They're All Gone

I typically write on the eve of my kids' long trip to MN. I guess since they weren't in MN all summer (you remember that fiasco), I was a littttttttttle ready for the long break. I realize that sounds like the worst thing a mother should say. But after the hectic (yet amazing) year that we've had, I was ready for the break from reality. The kids in MN, my husband in MT. It was the seemingly perfect setup for a stressed out, tired, and emotionally drained mom and wife.....Except that it wasn't. Less than an hour after I was home from dropping the kids off in Chicago, I sat down thinking that I would relax with a bottle of wine, a romcom from Redbox, and put the cleaning that I promised myself I would do while they were gone off until tomorrow. And then I got a text from our realtor saying that we had a showing the next day! Oh brother! So I put the wine away, paused the movie, and got to cleaning. Of course my house isn't terribly messy, but there were Christmas presents that needed homes in our already crowded house, kids' sheets to wash, and clean clothes from the laundry to put away. A few hours later, I was done. Ready to relax. Except that I didn't. It was almost 9:30pm and I took my lonely self upstairs and went to bed.
Every time the kids leave, I think of all these great plans I'll make. The friends I'll catch up with. The tasty restaurants I'll try out. I think of the cleaning I'll get done. The naps I'll take. But I never do any of those things, and then before I know it the kids are back and we're back to the chaotic day-to-day routines that are our lives! And I kinda love it. 

2014

This year was the second time I put my blog link on our family Christmas cards. In the past, it was a great way for out-of-town family to keep connected. This year, my intention is to be much more family-focused and less Gretchen-focused on my blog (don't worry peeps, I promise not to write about every little milestone my kids cross...although Anderson is about to lose his first tooth and I'd be lying to say I'm not a wee bit sad about the enormity of this. So don't be too disappointed to read about the loss of my baby's lateral incisor. You've been warned.) This blog never started out with a greater purpose. It was simply me putting down my day-to-day journey through my un-directed life. Now I realize how much more there is to this life and I don't want to miss anything about it. As with every year, my goal is to document more. More of our marriage. More of my kids' growth. More of our family joys. More of our real (messy) life. Oh I absolutely love our life.  If ya'll don't mind, I'd like to write a quick note to each member of my little family and let them know what they've meant to me over the past year and where I hope we'll all go in the coming months...

Lilly, 
You are my absolute true joy. You are so much like me, good and bad, that it sometimes scares me. I've seen you grow so much over the past year. You've accepted the changes that have been thrown your way this year with mostly grace. I feared so much at what my marriage may have done to your growing mind and changing heart. I worried that you would feel unneeded, unloved, confused, or even angry. I've not seen these things in your behaviors, and if I'm being completely honest I'm a little shocked. I'm not sure I could handle these changes at such a confusing young age. I'm proud of you. And thank you for all you've done for our family over the past year. You continue to be my very best friend...I wish it would stay that way forever! You're a very pretty little girl! You change before my eyes daily. I've watched you become quite the little writer this year, even starting your own blog and writing in many different journals. You are so incredibly helpful with your brother, especially at school and with the bus (Bus 2 Bubbs!) I love seeing your beautiful soul. My hope for this coming year is that you continue to write, that you continue sharing your heart with people around you. My hope is that you'll come to me and Charlie with any problems or concerns that you have and that you always know that your heart is safe with us. And most of all,  I hope you and your brother get along better this year! Hehehe!

Anderson, 
My little gem. I've watched you grow so much this year into the little boy who now touches frogs, dreams of owning an ATV, and has a very good man in his life to mimic. I apologize for the things I made you miss out on in the past...but I never really liked frogs or slimy things! I'm grateful that you have Charlie for those things now! hehehe! I'm proud of your educational milestones. You're a smart little man and I'm SO proud of you for that. You are so goofy, and though sometimes we have to muffle it a bit, my hope is that you'll never lose that personality. You pick up on things so quickly and you can build a Lego set like it's nobody's business! Holy cow! It's super awesome! My hope for you over the next twelve months is that you continue learning every single day. That you use your silly behavior for good. That you continue loving me like every son should love his mommy. I pray that you appreciate the things we have in life. I hope you discover more and more "manly" things with Charlie, and most of all I hope and pray that you don't break a bone doing something crazy! (and stop telling me I'm afraid of everything. Trampolines ARE dangerous and you're NOT getting a bike with shocks this year so stop asking!)

Charlie, 
My one true love. This past year has been incredible, emotional, overwhelming, romantic, special, and even hard. You continue to stick with me, support me, and love me. You are as patient as one man can possibly be. You have given up your house, your dogs, and everything you've known for the past 31 years, all to move here with us. You have gone from a single, simple man to a husband and a father of two crazy babies.  I have learned so much from you. Your faith. Your patience. Your behavior. You have shown me what true love means and you've made me feel safe and protected. My hope for you over the next year is that you'll continue growing in our marriage. I hope that you'll continue to lead our family in a way that is Christ-honoring. I hope that you never stop learning, never stop studying me, never stop growing in your faith. I pray that you continue to learn what your role is as a father to Lilly and Anderson, and the enormity that it is. I pray that God blesses our family, our marriage, and these kids in ways we never imagined. 


Happy New Year's, all.

The Best Present

Before I met Charlie, I never imagined that I would find someone who would truly love and adore my kids enough. I have very high expectations, especially when it comes to loving my kids, and it just never occurred to me that someone could actually live up to those expectations. Of course I realized very early on (read: the first night) that Charlie was absolutely amazing and would be a WONDERFUL boyfriend, but I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would be such a loving dad to my kids. Everything in my relationship with Charlie moved extremely quickly (engaged after just three months, married four months after that), even meeting my kids. I had a very strict six-month rule. I would never bring someone that I was dating around my kids until I was "sure" about him. I can honestly say that only one other man besides their dad ever met my kids. Obviously, something about Charlie made me want to break my six-month rule. The first time Charlie spent time with my kids, it was when we took Anderson to a hockey game for his fifth birthday. I sit here reflecting on that night because my baby Anderson turns six tomorrow. It's incredible to think back to last year. I was so nervous about taking Charlie on this little outing with Anderson, but at the same time, I knew Anderson wouldn't want to just go with boring ole' mom. Little did I know Anderson would be Charlie's little buddy and I would hold a little less special place in his teeny tiny heart. Flash forward to this Christmas....

You know how your kids always make cute little gifts at school around the holidays? It's always an ornament with their little face plastered on a popsicle stick or a piece of foam shaped in the shape of a star. Regardless, I was looking forward to this present this year...but it never came! Instead, I walked in the door one evening and noticed a box under the tree that read To: Charlie From: Anderson  Thinking that my present MUST be under the tree somewhere too, I started digging around only to discover that there was no present for me. I asked Charlie about the gift from Anderson and he just laughed, "I don't know babe! He didn't mention one for you." Ummm, WHAT? My thoughts went a little something like "EXCUSE ME? I BIRTHED YOU, SON!" So I did what any normal mom would do. I ripped open the taped box, (carefully of course) to see what my son made for Charlie. And that's when it happened....Full. On. Meltdown. It was one of those ugly cries, desperate for some empathy from my husband, crushed that surely this mean my son loves me less.

So there we are, Christmas morning. THE gift comes out. I see Anderson run to Charlie to give him the taped box. I sense Charlie looking at me from the corner of his eyes, a slight grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and watched two of my favorite men sitting close, opening this box. And it hit me...this love is exactly what I wanted. This was the relationship I had prayed for, even long before I met Charlie. And in only one year, the two most important boys in my life were buddies. I couldn't have asked for a better present.

Christmas with the Coynes!

Yesterday, we celebrated our first Christmas together as a family of four! It's so crazy to think that just last year at this time, Charlie and I were newly dating, texting 1500 times a day, and absolutely infatuated with each other after only spending a few days together. I looked back at a picture of the kids and me from last Christmas and although life has always been good with my kids, it's awesome to know that things have changed so much for all of us this year. Having Charlie in our lives has been a true blessing. He has brought the "boy" out in Anderson, he's shown Lills how a good man behaves, and he's been a rock for me and this family. (It goes without saying that there have been struggles, of course.)
Yesterday was my first Christmas with the Coynes and it was just as great as I imagined it would be. Last year I remember getting all these texts from Charlie and facebook messages from his sister telling me that I should go over and meet the whole family. WHOA! Although I definitely would have if I could, I just couldn't slip away from my family Christmas to go meet everyone. But this year, being a part of that Coyne family Christmas, was perfect. I'm so grateful for such amazing in-laws. I know not everyone gets so lucky! The day was great and it was the perfect way to kick of the Christmas week!

Sunny Days Are Ahead

I have said a thousand times over that I feel like we go through things in life to teach us a lesson...not that God is punishing us and making us "learn our lesson" but rather to go through things and learn from them and react in a way that is honoring to Him. I also believe that sometimes we are used as examples to other people. That we go through situations and that, even if we don't learn from our situation, that someone else may be watching and learning from us. I know that I've failed at this so many times. I know that I've questioned situations a lot. I also know that it's all coming full circle in my life now.
I oftentimes wonder why I had two children with a person who was a drug addict. How did that happen to me? I would question God..."God why would you put me in a relationship with someone so abusive and sick?" Looking back, I guess I got mad at God for that. I remember though, going to the Family Program at the treatment center in MN that Aaron was at. I remember meeting a man who Aaron took to pretty much right away. "Karl with a K" he would say. Karl with a K was a bit older than Aaron...he had kids Aaron's age, in fact. But for whatever reason, Karl took Aaron under his wing and during my weekend at the treatment center I got the chance to learn a lot about Karl. I just remember thinking "Shut up! We have SO much in common!" And whether or not that was true, it just showed me that God put people in my life at that time that I could relate to. Karl became a friend. I thought about him often when I came back home. In fact, after both Aaron and Karl got out of treatment, Karl hired Aaron to come work for him. When my kids would go to MN to visit Aaron, Karl would hang out with my kids. The kids called him Uncle Karl! To this day I am thankful for the opportunity to meet him...even if it was at a drug and alcohol treatment center!
My point with that story is that I truly believe each person comes into our life for a reason. And I believe that each situation serves a lesson. My life with Aaron seems like a hundred years ago. And although I have few good memories of my years with him, I know that I went through it all with him for a reason. I have had so many close friends struggle with a loved one's addiction. I have heard stories of other girls who are in a seemingly hopeless relationship. I know that each of them have to find their own way, but it hurts my guts to know what they're going through. I want to fast forward life for each of them and show them that it will get better. They will find their way out of this exhausting roller coaster and they will look back and wonder why they wasted so many tears. It seems that so many addicts have the same story. I have seen this with the two addicts in my own life. I see the disappointment that my own dad has caused and I've seen the damage Aaron has done too. It would be impossible to ignore the similarities between the two. My prayer is that my story can be a motivational one for other people. It is possible to go on. That first year without Aaron was the hardest time of my life, but I look at where I am now and I know that I'm only "here" because of what I went through then. I learned things about myself that I never knew existed. I humbled myself in ways that I never imagined having to do. I did it all because I had no other choice. I had two tiny little babies depending on me and counting on me to keep it together. And although there were dark days, we made it through and the sun is now shining brighter than ever before.

Five On Friday? Five For Friday? Hive Five Friday? FRIDAY!

1) We have a showing on the house tomorrow! I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this because the house has had many other showings now (errr, at least 5...in the past month and a half). Ugh whatever! But, I can't help but feel like maybe this one could be different? Only time will tell, huh? 

2) The past week has been blah for me. I have been feeling a lil funny....sick, I suppose. After three nights of going to bed less than 45 minutes after my kids, I am starting to feel on the mend. I'm thinking it's mostly weather-induced (I loathe cold temperatures!). I'm seriously considering a happy lamp. I could picture myself perched contently under the fake rays for a little mood-lift at the end of every night! (I promise to post pictures if I go to this extreme.)

3) Three of my girlfriends from high school and I have started an online bible study. This being our first one, we're keeping it small. But I'm excited to see where this goes for us. We're all tainted girls with an ugly past (ugh, stupid college years!), but we're all Christians now and it's so awesome to see how God has brought us all together again to share in this journey.

4) Have I mentioned how grateful I am that my husband didn't get deployed this Fall? I am so thankful that he's home every day with us and helps as much as he does. I should tell him to this more often. I'll start today. #beintentional

5) I start back working out with my trainer next week. I'm scared. Happy. Anxious. Tired. And sore just thinking about it. I'm so happy to be getting off my booty and to be getting back into a routine with her, but if I'm being totally honest, I don't love (or even like) working out. I have a new love for yoga, but I don't even do that regularly anymore. I should really commit to things better. Maybe I'll start that today too. Eh. Tomorrow. (And you see how I've gained so much weight since my wedding). #oink

God's Provisions

It was hard to go back to work yesterday after the four day weekend. Can I get an Amen? It was harder than the normal Monday. It was harder than the normal four-day-weekend-Monday. It was one of those mornings where I wanted to lay in bed, kicking and screaming "no! I won't go!" until I finally got my way. Well, that didn't happen (the getting my way, not the kicking and screaming- that really did happen). So I went to work and did what I do. But I sit here today (at the coffee shop) thinking again about how I don't want to go to work today. I want to sit here and write all day long. And I want to read the hilarious (yet somehow educational) book that I bought Sunday. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire others. But I don't know how that can happen. I don't know how I can fully vest myself in that without changing a lot of other things in my life. And I'm 99% sure my husband is panicking while reading this right now, fearing that I'm going to quit my job and spend 9 hours a day at the coffee shop writing and reading. (Calm down hubbs, I won't do that!)

My mother-in-law is moving across the country in just a few short weeks. She's going to Scobey, MT...population 1074, to teach kids about Jesus. Ahhh! She is seriously AH-MAY-ZING! If there ever was an inspirational  person in this world, it's my mother-in-law. She felt that God was maybe calling her in a different direction in life, so she took a two week vacation for some clarity, and came back and announced to her family that she was moving! She doesn't know how it will all work out, and she really hasn't figured out all the details, but she is trusting that God will provide and that this is what He's calling her to do. I mean, if you're gonna move across country to a teeny tiny town, twenty miles from Canada (or whatever is it), it better be for a good reason (Hey Jesus!). I just admire her courage. I admire her strength. And I admire her faith in the Lord and for trusting in His provisions. And...I want that. I want to love like that. I want to trust like that. I want faith like that. I want to do what I am passionate about in life like she has done over the past 25 years of her life. 

"The longer the journey, the higher the risk, the greater the need for provision." 

One Day At A Time

I woke up early this morning and was looking back through old Facebook posts. I came across two things from late 2009, early 2010. The first was a Rick Warren quote that my old worship pastor sent me. It said "If God answered your prayers immediately, you'd begin thinking God was a big vending machine: put in a prayer,  pull out whatever you want."  Then I also stumbled upon a song that I had posted by Corey Smith called "One day at a time." I'm listening to that song on repeat (thirteen year old girl style!) as I write this and it takes me back. I thought back to what was happening in my life during that time. Aaron had come back from treatment in late October, 2009. It was hard. Really hard. At that point we had been together (and I use that term very loosely...we had always had a very toxic relationship filled with breakups and makeups...extremely unstable) for about four years.  I guess at that time, I thought treatment had "fixed him" and he would come home and we would be a perfect family of four. I had done some work in my own life and I guess I assumed he had worked on "Aaron the boyfriend" and "Aaron the dad" along with "Aaron the addict." I remember begging for God to work through us and rebuild our family. I remember thinking "Nothing's happening. Nothing is different. Our family is broken." And that was it. Our family of four was not meant to be. It wasn't in the cards. And I spent the next year working through that in my mind. I basically wasted the year of 2010!
Flash forward to today. I look at how different my life is. I can't help but look at that post from 2009 and realize exactly why my worship pastor sent me that quote. I was praying my guts out for God to give me my family. I sooo badly wanted my family to work..to just BE. There were so many times in those years that I felt so lonely. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't want Aaron and I to be together. I couldn't see why God wouldn't just give me what I thought I wanted. Oh how naive I was! I see now why God made me wait. I look at my sleeping babies this morning and I know that their hearts are happy. I know why God made me go at parenting alone for awhile. And I thank God daily  for making me wait for my husband. I look at my marriage, and yes it's flawed, but my husband adores this family. I have a Godly man. I have a man who will love my kids and me like it's his job. I have the marriage and the family that God designed perfectly for me over time. How great is our God!

Marriage 101?

It's Marriage 101...you do not put yourself in situations that are dishonoring to your spouse. You don't put yourself in a situations that would make any other person question your intentions and motives. I can say that in my own experience, as someone who has a lot of guy friends, that this is something in the early stages of my relationship that I thought I might struggle with. Girls are catty and mean (don't act like you don't agree)! It was always easier to be friends with guys. I remember something the first Pastor at Sonrise (who has since passed away) said in one of his messages probably 4 years ago...he said that no matter what, we would never see him with another woman unless his wife was there. He would never have an "innocent" lunch with another woman than his wife. He would pastor to everyone in the church, but if it was a female coming to him about a marriage problem, a relationship issue, etc.. he would refer her to a female pastor on staff.  I remember thinking how cool that was...that his wife never had to worry that an innocent lunch might make her look bad to other people, or that a friendly text message might be misconstrued by the receiver. Her marriage was safeguarded by her husband. Ahhh, that must be refreshing, I thought.

As an almost-5-month married gal, I'm finding the same to be true in my marriage. My husband would never put himself in a situation that would make me question him. I never wonder who he's with or who is texting him throughout the day. And in the same way, I've had to cut out some of my friendships with guys (especially a lot of my ex boyfriends that I've managed to stay friends with over the years) because when you're married, those friendships just take a different priority in life....towards the back. New friendships with men aren't even an option outside of my marriage. Of course this isn't saying that my husband and I don't have friends of the opposite sex, but I guarantee if I got a text from a guy or an email from an old guy friend, my husband would be the first to know about it. I have nothing to hide. I am an open book. My husband has the password to every account I have (facebook, emails, twitter, etc) and he knows that he could look into any account anytime and never find anything I've hid from him. I refuse to build my marriage on distrust, dishonor, and unfaithfulness. I have seen too many marriages fail because of this and I won't stand for it in my own marriage. 

I have a couple people in my life who have confided in me over the past year about troubles in their marriage. And while I ache for their tumultuous relationship, I can't help but feel a little insensitive about it. I have a girl who swears that her marriage has been doomed for years...after being together for a decade before they even got married, now five years into their marriage, she has been unfaithful. When she tells me it was an accident and it wasn't intentional, I can't help but remind her that she intentionally sent hundreds of text messages to a man other than her husband. And while her relationship with this other man may have began innocently, the fact remains that she didn't cut it off after it crossed a point of betrayal. I can say all I want to her about what I think she should do to get her marriage back on track, but what do I know? I've only been married 5 months! (that's what she tells me!)
But my marriage values aren't something my husband and I just created. The values and promises in our marriage are rooted in God's Word. You can read anywhere about how temptation will destroy a marriage. You can read about how the heart does things that sometimes we can't even understand. Jeremiah 17:9 says The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? It's saying that it's the nature of our heart to be drawn towards sinful ways. We fall into a routine and we forget and forsake God. It's a CHOICE we have to make every single day. We have to ask God to help our heart and guide it in the right way...a way that is honoring to Him.
Without faith, it's clear to see how so many marriages fail. Without some moral compass, and not the humanly kind, I can see how it would be easy to get lost. When I see people push me away because of the things I say to them (which are things that are rooted in the Word of the Lord)...and I see them not want to turn to God's wonderful way, I see how it would be easy to lose hope. 

WWYD

A little play on the WWJD, WWYD is my new mantra (okay honestly I just made that up). WWYD is What Would You Do?! Did I really make that up?  So I was sitting here at the coffee shop and overheard a girl on the phone talking to her insurance agent. She said she's moving to Mexico next week to work in an orphanage as an assistant teacher. It got me thinking about how many opportunities I've missed out on...not because I turned them down, but because I haven't sought out these opportunities. The accessibility to just pack up and move to another country isn't exactly what it might have been for me ten years ago, I get that. But there are things I could be doing in my day-to-day life that I'm just not doing...opportunities to change lives, improve relationships, and be a "someone" to someone other than myself.
See, I think so often I get caught up in the mundane repetitiveness of my life that the idea of stepping outside of that scares me. And the fear of not knowing what "out there" looks like holds me back from taking a peak at what might be.
I posted on FB the other day that even certain FONTS were starting to bore me. I'm bored with my life. I LOVE my husband and my family, of course. They don't bore me, obviously. That would be impossible...have you met my family?! But my job, my interactions (or lack thereof) with other people, etc. I feel like there's something I'm missing. I think there's something else I should be doing. I have said this for the past four years...I LOVE my job. I love the people I work with. I seriously DO like what I do. But...it's become...repetitive, habitual, it's become a job rather than something I enjoy. I don't feel like I'm making a difference anymore.
I was talking to a dear friend this morning and he recommended that I read 1 Thessalonians 4:11. He paraphrased it like this:  "Inspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own bid-ness, to work with your hands. Make it your goal, your ambition, to lead (live) a quiet (peaceful) life." Ah yes, how awesome? So my mission over the next few weeks will be finding how to do this and finding what this looks like for me and my family.

Kokomo Prayers

I got an email from my aunt last night about a friend of hers whose son was living with a brain tumor. The tumor has progressed and is not responding to the medicine, so at this point they've decided to stop treatment. This means the tumor will continue to grow and this young man's earthly life will come to an end. He is in second grade. My Lilly is in second grade.  

I'm trying to not make this about me or about my kids, but it's so hard to not make it personal. I have a second grader. I cannot imagine how these parents must be feeling. I wonder...when you have a child at home who may pass away any day, do you still go to work? Do you still go to the grocery store? Do you sleep? Does the car still get washed? The lawn mowed? Laundry done? 

I think of all the times I gripe at my kids to clean up their mess. Pick up those toys. Put those crayons away. What if I came home one day and I never stepped on another matchbox car that was left in the middle of the floor? What if I never broke up another sibling-argument?  The thought makes me sick to my stomach. It pains me to think of these things. More than that, it kills my soul to know that there are parents all over the world feeling these things. 

My prayer tonight is that this family and young boy feel peace. If you're reading this blog, I don't know if you're a Believer or not, but say a little prayer for this Kokomo family. They need to feel God's presence and they need to know there are people all over the country praying for their little second grader. 

Romans. And Me Being Me.

I have to let you in on a little secret. I'm currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop writing. This is literally something I've envisioned doing for the past...ohhh 5 years. I know that many of you bloggers do this every single day, but I've never been able to do it..for one reason. My laptop. Take out the fact that it's from 1987 and has to always be plugged in, but it also weighs more than my first born child. It was just never convenient! My husband got sick of hearing me complain about this, and bought me a cute little Samsung Chromebook. It's PERFECT for everything I need to do! I'm ERB-SESSED with it! (Thank you husband!)

So, here I am at the coffee shop (eeeeee!), computer open, coffee in hand (well, not exactly but you get it), and my Bible open. We spent some time in Romans last Sunday and the message is something I CANNOT get outta my mind. It's funny because as I opened up to Romans, I found page after page after page after page of old church bulletins, many of them with passages from Romans. So then I think "Self, you need to dive into Romans. What is there that you're not doing? What are you overlooking?" Wowza! There's a lot. Romans Chapter 12 is quite literally one of my favorite lessons in the Bible. (especially 12: 6-8) More on that later...

I can't help but reflect back to a quote in an email that hit me like a ton of bricks last week. It said "your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does." It's interesting because when I read that I instantly felt like this person wrote it directed towards me. Ouch. It got me thinking...if this offends me so badly, it must be because I'm doing something wrong. When Charlie and I first started dating, we would have hour long conversations about our faith and what we wanted for each other and for our family. I remember driving to Ohio one afternoon on one of our impromptu diner road trips and telling him my vision for my blog. (I've written about this a hundred times on here and have done very little about it) He was encouraging, of course. Look, my life isn't easy. My life isn't hard. My life just IS. It's a lot like yours, I'm sure. I've tried a lot to be someone else- someone whose blog I read, someone who I work with, someone who I go to church with, someone who is a Pinterest queen, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect Christian...I'm none of those people. I'm just Me. I read a Rick Warren Daily Hope this weekend about being yourself. At the end it said "There's something liberating about just being yourself. The quickest way to an ulcer is to try to be somebody you're not. If you want to live an effective life, just relax and be yourself."

Back to Romans, (whew...stay with me folks!) Paul encourages us to use our spiritual gift. We each have a specific gift and we are to use that gift to the best of our ability. My gift is different than everyone else's. My spiritual gift was created just for me, and when I find myself trying to use my voice the way that someone else does, I feel deflated when I fall short. I'm not an eloquent speaker. I'm not a graceful writer. I'm not overly fabulous at anything (just ask my mom about the time my piano teacher told my mom to stop wasting money on my piano lessons!). My fear is that I'll go through life trying to mimic someone else's spiritual gift and I'll never truly find the way to use mine. Eeeek. That's scary. I think it just reminds me that I need to do what I do, and what I do, I need to do it intentionally.

I can't speak enough of what it means to go through life doing things intentionally. Imagine my excitement when I heard our pastor saying "use your gift intentionally. BE intentional." YES! Instantly I thought of my marriage and our promise to each other. It excites me to be married to someone who wants the same things for our marriage and who promises to love me intentionally. Just the same, I want to live intentionally so that if/when I "find" my spiritual gift, I'll be doing it to the best of my ability. I never want to get to Heaven and stand before God and say "I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to live my life for You. I'm sorry that I never gave it my ALL. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to be someone else that I never really got to be who You intended me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't do everything with YOU as my guide. I'm sorry that I didn't intentionally live my life for You." Ugh. Scary stuff ya'll.

Catch Up, Ya'll.

I've been  intending to write for a few weeks, but we've been busy with back-to-school routines, tennis lessons, work, and other fun LIFE things.

• Anderson spent three days last week at home with tonsillitis and a fever. Charlie was a blessing and stayed home with him two of the days. Andy is officially on the mend and doing much better.
• Charlie and I had a date night a couple weeks ago. Neither of us were available to do anything on the weekend, but I knew it was still super important to plan out some "us" time. Before I came home from work one afternoon, I stopped at Target to get a plain white table cloth (why I hadn't had one up to this point, I have no idea), black napkins, a cute candle, and a new vase! I asked Charlie to stop for steaks and any pink flowers he could find (to match the candle, duh). The kids helped me set up the romantic setting(which I moved into our living room, next to the (unlit) fireplace) while Charlie went for a bike ride. I think Lilly was just as excited as I was to see Charlie's reaction to the scene! I think it turned out pretty lovely and it was SO nice to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to bed. Sometimes we get so caught up in hearing about who the kids played with at lunch recess and who got in trouble on the bus, that we fail to really talk to each other about OUR days. It was a sweet change. I've had a few friends ask me about our #beintentional motto, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. The table cloth (which I'll be able to reuse a thousand times), napkins, candle, and vase all cost me less than $35. The homemade dinner and flowers cost less than $35. This is a once-a-month thing...we can spare the occasional $70....if it helps our marriage and brings us closer together...I'll spend that $70 every single month.
• The kids have been doing well in school so far. I think Lilly is struggling this year with making new friends (her two best friends transferred schools this year). I worry about her. Anderson has been adjusting nicely to being in school all day long. He has been playing a lot of basketball during lunch recess (see?) with some boys that he already knew from church. Both of the kids started taking tennis lessons this year. Lilly would be GREAT if she only paid attention better. She is soooo busy looking around and watching other people (where does she get this?) that she sometimes fails to hear the directions from the coaches. Anderson has taken lessons a few other times so he's doing really well too (even on the 7 & 8 year old team). I would LOVE to be able to take them twice a week, but our work schedules just don't allow for that right now.
• Last month Charlie and I went to a "marriage seminar" of sorts. Kirk Cameron and Warren Barfield came to Kokomo. It just so happened to be a weekend that Charlie was at the Base working anyway, so he got tickets. Although I'm not a HUGE fan of Kirk Cameron's ministry (some of it seems a little off track at times..read: the whole FB/YouTube debacle), I do like his take on marriage. At a time when Charlie and I were still very much struggling with trying to figure out how to be married and live together and raise kids together, etc...this was exactly what we needed. I know that our marriage will always be a work in progress, it was nice to sort of hit the "refresh" button on our marriage (yes, two months into it).
• My grandpa and my mom are coming to town this morning. They're going to go to church with us and then to lunch to celebrate Grandparents day. A lot of things have been happening in my extended family lately that make me soooooooooo ridiculously grateful to have the relationship that I do with my grandpa. Although it does make me sad to spend time with him, knowing that there's something missing, I still think it's extremely important to make memories with him while we still can. I know that in the past four years I have avoided going to his house because it reminds me of my grandma being so sickly and bedridden in that house, but I know that I need to do a better job of going to see HIM instead of him just coming to see us. My grandpa is an absolute gem, and I can't help but think that he is who he is partially because of who my grandma was too.
 

Back to School..again!

It seems absolutely BONKERS that my youngest baby just started kindergarten this year. And even more than that it's IMPOSSIBLE to think that my little Lilly is in second grade. But...the school year is once again upon us! This time around I've had Charlie by my side through the emotional roller coaster that comes with getting two babies through their (and my) first week back!
Anderson wasn't nervous at all about starting a new school. I definitely think his time at "Junior K" helped tremendously. He was used to a structured day, with lessons and (very little) homework. He handled the transition like a CHAMP! Lilly struggled a little on the first few minutes of the first day back. She walked with us to drop Anderson off to his new classroom, and as we left her little brother behind, her eyes welled up with tears. She knew the names of the kids in her new class, but barely recognized any of them. One of her best friends from first grade transferred to a different school, leaving poor Lills to make new friends (it's rough being seven!)!
As the first few days passed, Lilly seemed to be adjusting just fine. Anderson has already made a few new friends and talks non-stop about his teacher! This makes my heart very happy! Here are a few pictures I was able to snap of them on the morning of day one! How cute are these babies?



Cute little goodie bags for the first day of school!

First day of Kindergarten, 2013

My precious little lady!

First day of Second Grade, 2013

Someone didn't want to leave her baby brother!

Monday, Aug 12th...more...

I apologize for leaving you all on the edge of your seats as Aaron and I battled it out in court....errrrr actually it went nothing like that, really. Truth is, I wrote more that night but our oh-so-lovely-1947-Toshiba-laptop took a huge poo on me that night and I lost everything I had written. I'm working on getting the hubbs to agree to a pretty new MacBook, won't you pray for me! Well, basically if you were praying for us that morning, it worked. After three months of swearing that he wouldn't "negotiate" with me, Aaron did just that. We worked out a visitation schedule that we were both comfortable with (read: exactly the one we'd been doing for the previous four years). And his request to lower child support substantially, was denied. Kids, this is just a prime example of what happens when you have God on your side, with a ton of prayer warriors...oh, and doing the right and honest thing doesn't hurt either. We're still waiting to find out exactly when he starts paying child support again (we're going on well over 15 weeks without it now), and we couldn't agree on a couple things, so we're waiting to hear from the courts on those issues. But for now, the majority of it is settled-- the biggest thing is that I'm OVER THE MOON thrilled that I won't be putting my babies on a plane at the beginning of summer, only to see them again seven weeks later. Amen!

Monday, Aug 12th...the beginning.

In a couple hours I'll be in a court room listening to a judge tell me what's best for my kids. Aaron started this court process about three months ago, after four years of he and I working together when deciding visitation and child support. When I announced that I was going to be getting married, Aaron filed paperwork to get things set up through the courts. I'm not at all upset that we're making things legal, it's definitely time. But the way he went about it and the way he has treated both me and the kids since filing is not something that's easy to overlook.
He gave up the four weeks of visitation for the summer, stopped paying child support, and has only called the kids a few times in the past three months or more. To say that he has done a total 180 would be the only way to accurately describe his actions.
With that all said, it's frustrating (and gut-wrenching) to know that someone who doesn't know my kids will be determining what's "best" for them. Aaron is asking that the kids spend seven weeks of their summer break with him in Minnesota, as well as half of Christmas break and all of spring break. There are a thousand reasons why this is a terrible idea. He is also asking to pay significantly less in child support.
I know this decision is out of my hands at this point (it always has been, huh?). I trust that God has His hand on the situation and I know that whatever the outcome, it will be just as it was meant to be.  I know that I only have to be honest because I have nothing to hide. My kids are my motive behind every decision that I make. I do things the "right" way and I don't try to weasel my way through life's complicated situations.

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matthew 6: 31-33 MSG

If it's not too much trouble, I'm asking for prayers in this situation. Pray that God will have His hand on the attorneys and the judge today. Pray for me to have the strength to handle whatever the outcome is. Pray that God would open Aaron's heart and mind to help him do the right thing. Pray that my kids come out of this situation unchanged and unaffected by any negativity that has occurred. Pray that they know and feel the love that so many people have for them.


....to be continued

Dance with Me

I promised my husband that I wouldn't put our relationship on blast here in my blog, but I think there are certain aspects to our relationship that others can benefit from my sharing.  As I mentioned in earlier posts since our marriage, it's been tough getting into a flow of adding a forth person to the mix. There are "boy" things in our house (and garage) that I've never seen before...but tools, boxers, and foot cream aside, there are emotional wounds that have reopened in both of us that neither of us expected to resurface. Things from our past that we had dealt with individually, but had never envisioned how they may pop up in future relationships. I won't put Charlie's past issues on here, but I have no shame admitting my shortcomings publicly.
I am a self-admitted-control-freak. I am very use to "handling" things on my own. I am use to blaming no one but myself for mistakes that I caused, and dealing with the consequences for my actions. Coming into this marriage, I guess I was very unprepared to "let go" of that control. I can say that I struggle with letting go because I'm scared of being "left" in control again...but if I'm completely honest, that's not really it. I don't fear Charlie leaving. I don't worry that I may have to "take over" again. So then I don't really know why I struggle at letting go. I can't just blow it off and say "that's just how I am," but that's sooo unfair. This a partnership, not a dictatorship. I can say "that's how I had to be," but things are different now and I don't need to be that way anymore.
This is something I've really been struggling with in our marriage...six-ish weeks in. It's scary to have these things pop up from the past because I thought I had dealt with them...and I supposed maybe I had...but not in the realm of marriage. The hardest thing has been learning to let go, learning that Charlie's intentions are pure and good, and that everything he does he does out of love. He wants the very best for me and the kids, even when he does things differently than I would do them. We are different people and we are going to take different paths to get to a place we both want to be.
I suppose this is all part of maturity. We studied Ephesians 4: 1-16 this morning at church and wowza. It was like a slap in the forehead, saying "helllloooooo, grow up!" It's time to live a life focused on faith, to lose the selfish behavior, to look beside me and see the man who is willing to walk this faith journey with me, to dance and not trudge through this journey with me. It's a partnership. He wants to dance with me- to be in step with me. My husband, my best friend, wants the same things that I want. I trust that. I want to move easily with him, dance with him, through this journey. It's time for me to stop trudging and shuffling my feet through life...I have a dance partner now. Ahh, what a feeling!

"By No Means!" -Paul

As I sat down to blog this morning I was looking over my "notes" that I jotted down during this morning's sermon...the words "cray cray" and "bonkers" are on the page. Preach Gretch, preach! Our pastor was talking about a trip he went on two years ago and how he made a mental note to make the next five years of his life the best five years yet. And he asked himself how he had done during these past two years since he made that vow to himself...and then he asked us to think back two yeas ago and see if anything was different in our own life.
My first thought was to come look at my blog two years ago and see where I was during that season of my life. I'm proud to say that I think I've grown a lot, especially in my relationships. But I was disappointed to see that as I read through my different posts from August of 2011, I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues that I did then. Bummer. Which brings me to my "bonkers" and "cray cray" notes..Romans 6:1-5 talks about how God forgives and that His grace is never-ending, but that doesn't give us the right to keep sinning. We must live a changed life. Just because we know we will be forgiven does not give us the excuse to keep living our "old" way of life.
For a lot of Christians there's this "ah ha" moment where it all really sunk in...when they realized the seriousness of what it meant when Jesus died for their sins. I still can't fully understand it, but I want to so badly. I remember blogging about the freedom I felt knowing that I'm not alone and that I can't do life on my own. I wrote about it here. But I don't think I completely get it when I think of the enormity that Christ died for me and my sins NOW.
Anderson got caught up in a lie this past week. And when he realized he was busted (I'm the mom, I know everything!) he walked over to Charlie and said "what does the Bible say about telling lies." Charlie proceeded to talk to him about how lying is a sin and that Jesus died on the cross for us and for our sins...to which Anderson said "yeah, but he came back to life." (touche') When he came back out to me, I asked him what Charlie said and he regurgitated what his little five-year-old-mind comprehended. And when he got to the part about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins he said "but I wasn't alive back then so they weren't my sins." Crap.
I don't have to completely understand why Jesus died for our sins, I just need to know that He did. Follow me? I was given a second chance. I was given a chance at a new life, and sadly I see remnants of my old life probably everyday. I need to live my life differently. I want my life to look differently than non-believers. I don't know if it really does right now. Sure, I go to church and we pray before meals, etc... but does my language, my actions, my heart really scream "I'm a Christ follower!"? I'm not sure it does. Ouch. If my heart feels changed, why do my actions not show it?
'Tis time to start livin' differently.
#bedifferent #beintentional

#beintentional

I'm definitely still on a wedding-high, but there's been a reality to my marriage in the past month that I'm not sure I would have noticed in my "younger" years. I always heard that the first year of marriage was hard. And I had married friends tell me that it was true. Charlie and I had to do a few months of pre-marital counseling and holy cow am I grateful for that. The pre-marital counseling sparked conversations between the two of us that definitely wouldn't have happened had we not done the counseling. One of the biggest things Charlie and I talked about was what we wanted from each other in our marriage and how we didn't want to be a statistic...we wouldn't let our marriage fail. In a time that so many relationships fail, we knew that we couldn't just have a mediocre friendship and love. We knew we would have to "step it up" when it came to our relationship. Thus the term #beintentional came about in our relationship.
No one accidentally stays married for sixty years. No one accidentally falls in love. It's a choice. You choose to forgive. You choose to go on dates. You choose to put each other first. You choose to have the tough conversations. You choose to make things work, every.single.day. Charlie pointed out to me last night that it's much like being a Christian..no one accidentally becomes a follower of Christ. It's a choice. And you don't just accidentally "stay" being a Christian...you work at it. You read His Word. You study it. You choose to live it.
I don't know what being in love forever looks like for other people. All I know is what Charlie and I have decided to do in our marriage. And yes, we're rookies at this. But just like being a Christian, it is something that we're going to have to work at, study, and learn every single day.
For us, #beingintentional means planning date nights for each other. It means doing devotionals together. It means talking..a lot. It means putting down the phone, turning off the TV, closing the book, and learning about each other over and over. It means going on bike rides together. It means playing tennis as a family. It means trusting each other and knowing that we have each other's back in life. It means working towards the goals we've set for our family. It means sticking to a budget. It means putting Christ first, each other second. It means really really really trying.
I look forward to falling in love with my husband over and over. I can't wait to see what forever looks like for us.

I'm a Mrs.!!!!

Well it's official...I'm Mrs.Charles Coyne! Holy moly! It has been four weeks since our wedding and we're slowly adjusting to living as a family of four! It's interesting because Charlie and I didn't live together before we got married, and basically the kids and I have lived on our own for over four years! We I was very set in my ways and it's been quite the change having a man live in the house! Of course it's INCREDIBLE being married! It's soooo great falling asleep next to the man of your dreams (quite literally) and waking up next to him! We've had a few minor frustrations, as I'm sure is normal anytime you blend two adults and two kids, but we've worked through them, and been able to enjoy the married life for the past four weeks!
The wedding day was pretty stress-free, but I'll admit that I have NO IDEA how people have huge weddings! The morning of the wedding, I took off for a bike ride bright and early while my mom stayed with the kids. I took the time to just ride through the foggy morning and sat at a pond near our house, reflecting on the past seven years; the struggles the kids and I had been through, the failed relationships I had experienced, the frustrating moments of single-parenthood, etc...and I was able to clearly look towards my future with a man who I know will always have my back in life, who will always be there for me to help me and support  me through everything. What. A. Feeling. I cried a few tears, said a prayer, and headed back home to start getting ready for what would be the biggest day of my life.
My brother, cousin, and I went to yoga that morning. AAAAAH! Re-lax-a-tion. It was the PERFECT way to kick off the outdoor wedding festivities! Soon it was time to start getting ready for the ceremony...what was supposed to be a partly-sunny day turned out to be a torrential downpour day. As I stood at my back door looking out into the backyard, watching it slowing turn from green grass to a flooded rainwater mess, I simply laughed and said "nicely played weatherman, nicely played!" And so as the trillion texts came in from my friends assuring me that rain on the wedding day meant good luck (whatever), I was off to Roanoke, windshield wipers on full blast, ready to marry my best friend! I had a brief meltdown on the way to Roanoke as I looked to the backseat at my kids thinking that things were about to change so much for all of us (in a good way, of course!!). We prayed together, asking God to have His hands on our family that day and always, to help us with the adjustment of having a stepdad/husband, to give us strength to love like He does, and to allow us to enjoy the day and soak it all in.
I'll spare you the wedding details, but it was all perfect. I wouldn't have changed one thing! The rain broke long enough for our (amazing) photographer to snap a few outside pictures after the ceremony. The dinner was great, our company perfect, and things went off without a hitch. It truly was the wedding of my dreams!
I am so insanely happy and I couldn't have asked for a better man to be married to!

It'll Happen

I could write a book about things that are bound to happen to my family within a week of the wedding...here are just a few examples:

• Anderson will fall face first into the cement while riding his bike, leaving a giant roadrash souvenir behind on his precious, soft little cheek.
• I will gain just enough weight to make my dress fit a little snug in all the wrong places.
• Lilly will limp for two days due to a dodgeball injury three days before the wedding...the threat of not wearing "fancy" shoes to the wedding providing the only healing power.
• The weather forcast will change from 0% to 30% to now 60% chance of rain on the day of the (outside) wedding.
• The event coordinator at the wedding venue will have an already-planned-day-off the day of the wedding.
• Our pastor's wife, who was due to deliver their third baby the first week in July, will spend this week in and out of the hospital with strong contractions.
• I will turn into "that bride" that I promised myself and my fiance' that I would NOT become. EEEK!

I could go on and on...With that said, I am holding strong to the hope that things will go off without a hitch on the day of our wedding. And no matter the buckets of rain that are pouring down, the scrapes on my kids' faces, the imperfections of our wedding attire, etc..the only thing that matters is that Charlie and I are getting married before our friends family and starting a beautiful life together! I'm sure it will all be perfect!

Gettin' Close Ya'll!

First let me acknowledge that it has been soooomme time since I last wrote. It wasn't intentional, and my only excuse is that I've been so busy with "life" that writing just hasn't been a huge priority....but the past couple days I've realized that in my head, I've been saying "ugh, I need to blog about this" over and over. I'm now to the point where my mind feels like words are going to start seeeeping out my ears and eyes if I don't get it out on paper (errrr screen?).

So first and foremost I am FIVE days away from my wedding day (I just threw up in my mouth a little bit). I have been very calm and collected for the most part in regards to wedding details. We are having a super small, intimate wedding, so there aren't a lot of details to worry about....but now the fact that we're less than a week away from the nuptials I am FREAKING. OUT. I'm not worried about being married, I'm more worried about getting married. I'm not worried about tripping down the aisle (okay, now I am). And I'm not worried about saying the wrong words or putting the ring on his wrong finger (maybe a little bit now that I mention it)....I can't really put my finger on it, other than to say this is a HUGE deal, and this is so exciting and pee-your-pants-scary all at the same time.

I'm excited to see what life looks like as a married couple and what it will be like to be a family-of-four. I worry about the kids and how they'll adapt (even though they both adore Charlie). I wonder if Lilly will go through a rebellious "you're not my dad" stage. I wonder if Anderson will ever want to hang out with just me now that he has a man in the house to do things with.

I am so excited to start this new chapter in life. A WIFE. Me! A WIFE! Holy cow. It still makes my heart race just thinking about it. I'm excited for my kids to have a loving, Godly man in their life who will love and protect them forever and ever. I am so happy and we are so blessed!!!

Memories

Have you ever watched those sappy movies about one spouse who dies but leaves handwritten notes for the living spouse? Or once the person dies, the other person pulls out old home movies to remember their spouse by? Okay so that's super morbid I get that, but it kinda makes me think...should I be doing that? The thought of writing my daughter a note for her when she graduates, out of fear that I may not be there to watch her graduate, makes my stomach do some unflattering flips. And it's probably even more grotesque of me to openly admit that I have these thoughts...but seriously, does anyone else do this? I was thinking though...when was the last time I hand wrote a note to anyone, let alone wrote a note to someone intended for the future? And what if the intention wasn't to write a note because I'm worried that I won't be here, but rather because I just want my kids (or my hubby) to know where I was (mentally) in different seasons of our lives? Makes it a little less creepy, right?
I also think that I need to start printing out more pictures. If anything happened to my phone, I would be so out of luck. I rarely take pictures on my camera now since I rely so heavily on my phone! I have a few friends who have recommended different sites to print Instagram pics from, and I think I'm going to give it a whirl! Not to mention, who doesn't love looking through photo albums every once in awhile?

Yeah, I think this is going to be my next project (ya know, after the wedding that we're planning and all!)!!!

Preparation for Marriage

I am totally pumped to get married. Like, the idea of spending FOREVER with Charlie makes me want to PEE. MY. PANTS! I CANNOT wait! With all major life changes, I have to admit that there have been moments of fear...times when I look around and think "what am I getting myself into?" Or I hear about ANOTHER couple getting a divorce and its like a giant slap on the back of the head, reminding me of the brutal divorce rate statistics (50% for first marriages...and it even jumps to well over 65% for second marriages, eeek). I know that there are some statistical odds stacked against as it is (this is his second marriage, I have two kids, etc), but I can't help but think Charlie and I are taking pretty extreme measures to work through these things before we're married.
We had our first premarital counseling session with our pastor a couple weeks ago. It was a little nerve-racking, only because this was the first time he and I brought someone else into our relationship to discuss some very private and personal topics. Although Charlie and I discussed these things, having to explain to someone else how we got to this point in each of our lives was a little tough.  It was tough, but it wasn't impossible and it wasn't as painful since we knew we had each other's back and that we were there for each other no matter what. Our pastor gave us each a book to read through before we meet with him again. It's called "Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married." It's written by the same fella who wrote "The Five Love Languages" (another thing I'd recommend learning about yourself and your spouse before getting married). In the book that our pastor gave us, it gives different topics that people have cited as "issues" in their marriage. It's been nice working through this book on my own and then talking about it with Charlie. I definitely know there will be tough times, but I also know that he and I will work through our issues and never give up. We ended the session by walking our pastor to the door and then doing a celebratory "oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah" dance and high-fiving  after we closed the door!
It's so comforting to know that no matter what my past is, no matter what mistakes I've made, no matter how backwards some aspects of my life may seem, I am who I am because of each of those things and it brought me to the most incredible man ever...a man who sees me for who I am now (good and bad) and loves me through it all. My fear is that someone will mistaken my "fears" mentioned in the first paragraph and think that Charlie and I aren't strong enough to get married or that I have doubts about marrying him. That's not the case. My hope is that someone else will read this and know that being engaged (and I'm assuming married) is an exciting time in your life, but it can also be a scary time. Add to that the fact that not many people talk (honestly) about their fears before getting married, and you may be left thinking that your feelings are abnormal. Don't be fooled. I have enough good friends who can be real with me and admit that there will be crummy days...days when you become so annoyed you want to flick your husband...days when you don't want to talk to each other...days when you get a little nervous about changing the whole routine that you've worked so hard to (single-handedly) make successful...days when you fear that bringing a man into your perfect triangle will disrupt the lives of your precious babies...days when you question your future. But, through it all the one constant thing that you cling to is that you are moved to the core when you say his name, feel his touch, or see his face. The reality that you cannot imagine life without this person. The understanding that because of him, your children will have a better life, they will know true love, and they will see what it means when someone loves their mom the right way. I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life...with the man I prayed to God for.

Do Life. Better.

I hate that I've been slacking on my blog lately....honestly if I would just commit to writing everyday, I'd have more than enough material to write about, but I just don't allow myself the time to do it. I really wish I was the kind of person to sit down at the end of each day and just write my little heart out...Which kinda brings me to one of the points I've been wanting to write about....

Lately I find myself saying "I wish I was like that" about many different things. Last Thursday I went to an event at the church for the children's ministry. It was a big giant step out of my very tiny comfort zone, but I went anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to see one of my old work friends there. She started going to Sonrise about a year ago. To say that she dove in head first would be the understatement of the universe! She and her husband instantly got involved in a number of small groups. She quit her job and has been doing different volunteer work at the church! It's incredible! I admire her so much! When I went home that night I told Charlie how "I wish I was like that..." especially when it comes to her willingness to just jump right in. I've been going to the same church for almost four years (this June) and I haven't been involved in one small group and I haven't volunteered for anything at the church. It makes me a little disappointed in myself because I know there are things that I could be doing, but I'm so afraid (for lack of a better word) of stepping outside of my norm. I feel like I'm just not the type of person to stick around and chat with people. Or is that just my excuse for not getting more involved and for not doing "life" with people in my church? Oy.
Charlie makes it seem so easy. He says "if you want to be that person then do it, be it." He's right. What am I so afraid of? So my life is a little different than other people's, but so what? Isn't my life just as God intended? So what am I ashamed of?  Doesn't part of being a Christian include doing life with other Christians?

Something to ponder, no?

Someone

I didn't want to write about this, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm going to explode if I keep it all inside my mind much longer. With all the recent events in my life I can't help but feel like something is missing. I feel greedy admitting that, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Something is missing. It wasn't until yesterday that I was finally ready to acknowledge what it is. It's someone, not something.
This past weekend we spent the weekend in Chicago. It was a great opportunity for my brothers to meet Charlie and of course it was nice to spend some time hanging out with my whole family. But on the way home that weekend I realized that my heart was aching. My mom and I were talking about the wedding and dress shopping. It hit me right then, hard, that my grandma wasn't going to be there to help me pick out my wedding dress. It made me cringe. I shook it off and continued the drive home. That night as I was falling asleep I prayed for God to help me feel my grandma's presence and to just calm my mind and my aching heart.
Yesterday I received a random text from my mom while I was at work. It broke my heart to know that her heart was hurting, but more than that, it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in missing her.

As happy as I am for my grandma being in Heaven and being healthy and happy, I can't help but selfishly wish she was still here...for my mom and for me. I hate going through this wedding without her. I hate the idea of shopping for "the" wedding dress without her opinion. I hate the thought of her not seeing me marry the man of my dreams. I hate that she won't hug me before I walk down the aisle. I hate that she never met Charlie. I hate that she isn't here to dote all over my kids. I hate that I feel so sad about her not being here. I don't want this to be a sad time for anyone. I want my wedding to be a celebration and I want us to feel her presence there. I want to go through the biggest day of my life knowing that she's watching me and that she has her hand on us and is blessing us. I know that she would love Charlie and even though she never met him, I know that she would have approved and she would have loved his big giant hugs.

I'm anxious to go dress shopping this weekend without her, but I am holding on to the hope that we will be able to feel her presence with us.

OUR Wedding!

Charlie and I haven't wasted much time....we're already knee deep in wedding planning...and oddly enough, I. ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. IT. I never considered myself a "wedding girl" at all. In fact, I never really wanted a wedding. Ever. But after talking to my mom and Charlie's mom, they both encouraged us to make a bigger deal out of it than what I was originally planning (me and my handsome fiance' on a secluded island reciting vows and then spending the rest of the trip doing nothing but relaxing in the sand!). Once I got the wedding idea in my head, everything has seemed to fall into place perfectly (please say I didn't just curse myself).

Originally we wanted a small wedding on Lake Michigan. How gorgeous, right? But after trying to figure out all the logistical details, we've decided that a local wedding, in the town where he proposed (and we both love) is perfect for us. In addition to that, we're inviting only immediate family (sorry aunts, uncle, cousins, and friends). We chose this for a very specific reason, and I'm already extremely tired of having to justify it. So let me just explain once and for all....Although I know I'm not oooollllllld, I do think that having a wedding at the age of thirty-one is already slightly "nontraditional." Add to that the fact that I have two small kids, and Charlie was previously married (and had a big wedding) and there's more than enough reason to NOT want a huge shindig. I just want the day to be about me and Charlie and what these vows signify for US. I don't want it to be a huge production. I don't want the meaning of the day to get lost in the insignificant details of ribbons, tulle, and burlap. I will not let this day be jeopardized by trivial stressors. I cannot wait to marry Charlie and I am so excited to celebrate our commitment to each other with the people who mean the most in our lives. My biggest wish right now is that our family and friends would understand this and not question our decision to have a small wedding. This is what we're doing and it's what works for us. The day is, after all, about us.

I'm very excited to continue the wedding planning with Charlie! We've had a lot of fun picking out songs, colors, and other small details together. I am going dress shopping with my mom and cousin in a few weeks and to say that I'm dyyyyyying with excitement would be the understatement of the century! I am PUMPED! We have started looking at "fancy" dresses for Lilly and suits for Anderson! Lilly is sooo excited!

I cannot wait to share all the details of our wedding this summer! Stay tuned for more on all that...!

Relevant

I'm sitting here writing while the kids are both still in bed. My house is nearly silent, other than the sound of my fingers clicking away on the laptop. This. Never. Happens! There's something to be said about a few minutes of uninterrupted "me" time. And if I'm being honest, I've been craving some time alone. Or as I like I say "I need a daaaaang minute, ya'll!" Please do not read this and think I need a break from my kids or my new fiance', that's not the case, but my mind feels like it's been going 'round and 'round for the past couple weeks and I think it's finally catching up with the rest of my body. And to be frank, I'm exhausting myself. After an early bedtime last night, I woke up this morning feeling a bit refreshed and more relaxed. With the help of my new favorite (old) Kutless song, "Draw Me Near" I am feeling motivated and inspired.

Charlie and I spent a little time last night listening to the sermon that I wrote about in my last post. He worked last weekend and so he missed church (bummer). Luckily, we are able to pull up old messages on our church's website and listen anytime. I'm so grateful for this because I knew it was a message that he'd want to hear. And of course hearing the "original" version was a lot better for him than my broken interpretation that I tried to regurgitate to him last Monday. Although I had taken a page full of "notes" during last Sunday's service, hearing it again last night with Charlie helped me to understand it even more and to understand the enormity of what our pastor was preaching and what God is calling us to do.

Last Monday Charlie and I took the day off to hang out together. We took a little day trip to a nearby town to check out a fun little diner, but it was then that I told him about my "vision" that I drummed up from this exact sermon. As you'll remember, our pastor said that, at our church, we're not just bobbin' for poopies. We are there to DO. We are there, not to play games, but to change lives. He talked about the old model for sharing God's Word, which intimidates a lot of people (ummm, me!). But our pastor turned to the idea of reaching today's world by doing what's relevant. He said  we are to "use what is cultural to communicate what is timeless." I sat there last Sunday at church (with Charlie's mom) thinking about what this meant. Using what is cultural...hmmmm, the internet...my blog?....to communicate what is timeless...God's Word. Ding. Light. Bulb. Moment.
You see, I wrote about this a long time ago...about how I felt this tugging at my heart to do more with my blog. I felt like I had shared "my story" and I was continuously sharing, and I always will. But what does anyone "get" from my blog? What does anyone take away after reading "my story." I'm not saying that I'm capable of changing lives like my church does, but what if something I said helped one person? What if it made someone's day better or easier or gave someone hope? Ahh, that is my mission.

I'd love to go into this way more, but I hear the pitter-patter of four little feet running around upstairs, aimlessly looking for their mama!

All I ask is that you stick with me while I sort out what all this means for me, my blog, and my family....

to be continued....

We're Not Just Bobbin' For Poopies

I heard a really incredible sermon last weekend, which is now serving as the title of this post! Don't freak, my church isn't that cray-zay, but it does oftentimes present a message that sticks with me days later and sometimes just because our pastor uses the word "poopies". Anyway, the sermon went something like this:
My pastor knew a guy who was serving as a youth pastor at another church. He was leading about 12 teenagers in his church. One summer they went to China and "smuggled" Bibles to the people there (this was many years ago, mind you). Long story short, this youth pastor eventually went on to help start up another church in a different state and was replaced by a new youth pastor. On this youth pastor's first day, he poured gallons of Mountain Dew into huge buckets and dumped in some candy bars. He informed these teens that they'd be "bobbin' for poopies"...this was the same group of kids, who just months earlier, were smuggling Bibles into China. The point my pastor was making was that these kids didn't to just play games- they wanted to DO something that actually mattered- that would make a difference in the world.
I absolutely loved that story and it made me think a lot about how oftentimes in life we just go through the motions and we just play games. Well, I don't want that for my life. And apparently neither does my FIANCE!

This past Saturday, Charlie and I spent the evening walking hand in hand in a quaint little downtown of a neighboring town. It was a chilly night so we stopped for hot cider beforehand and bundled up to take a leisurely stroll through the gorgeous downtown. It's the kind of little town where you can walk on the brick sidewalks and pass windows of locally owned restaurants to see couples dining over delicious homemade food. It's the kind of town where it feels like people fall in love and stay in love. Oh it's just so cute! Our conversation was much like our conversations any other night...we were going on and on about how much we love each other and how insane it is that we "found" each other and how blessed we each felt. (In short, one of those conversations that if you heard anyone else having, you'd puke your guts out because it's so pathetically sappy...yeah, that's us!) But my point is, I had no clue that anything was about to happen because this was a conversation we'd had so many other times...but then there he was, down on one knee, in this gorgeous tree-lit courtyard, surrounded by a white picket fence (literally), asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. When I finally caught my breath I of course said yes and continued to try to wrap my mind around what this meant...I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. the man I had prayed to God about. the man who would lead our family and the man who would love me like Jesus loved the church. This was a man who wouldn't play games, but would actually DO life with me and DO what he knows to be right. Holy. Stinkin'. Cow. I was dyyyyying! Not only is Charlie the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on, he's got the bigget heart. He loves like no one I've ever known before. He puts 10000% into everything, which I know will include me and the kids. He believes God's word faithfully and strives to follow His word at all costs. He challenges me in a way that I've never been challenged. He unknowingly calms my mind with his presence. For the first time in my adult life, I feel protected and I know that he will always have my back. I absolutely adore this man and I know that my kids and I are ridiculously blessed to have him. And, through everything, I know that he's not playing games- I know that we're not just bobbin' for poopies together. I know that this is the real deal and that I have found my very best friend! I cannot wait to do life with him every single day, from now until forever.

When Change Is A Good Thing...

I'm a self-proclaimed control freak. I am also very much a creature of habit. I absolutely freak at the idea of change and I slightly panic when things are out of whack. But I'm starting to learn that sometimes change can be a good thing, and taking a giant leap of faith is sometimes okay.
For most of my adult life, and especially since I've become a mom, I've relied heavily on my mom and even my brother. I've counted on them to carry me through tough times. I've counted on them to pick me up when I fall. I've counted on them to guide me through the dark times and through the crooked streets of life. I've looked to them as examples on how to do things the "right" way...how to be strong and independent...how to stand up to adversity and come out a changed and better person.
Today I broke some big news to my mom...some news that is bound to change things, in my opinion, for the better. With the excitement in telling her also came the realization that things won't be the same as they've been for the past seven years. For me, it's a chance for me to take hold of my life and to take my family in a new direction. I'm excited to see where things are headed for me and the kids, but scared to think of how things will change the familiarity of my core family. My mom, brother, and I have always been so close and adding someone new to the mix will definitely change things, but I'm ready to do this...for me and for the kids. I know that I deserve this, and even more so I know that my kids deserve it too.

....stay tuned y'all!

Birthday Perfection, Y'all!

My thirty-first birthday was absolutely perfect! The kids and my mom celebrated with me a few days early since my mom wouldn't be able to be up here on my actual birthday! The kids gave me a couple presents, which I loved, and of course we all went to lunch!
My actual birthday started out much like most other mornings with the kids jumping in bed with me and groaning about having to go to school! After I quickly reminded them of the enormity of the day's event (hello, your mother was born this day 31 years ago!), they both sang many renditions of the "Happy Birthday" song, until I finally begged them to stop! (Don't get me wrong, it was cute the first 3498 times!)
My dear work family made the day special too! My darling friend Sally brought me an "office survival kit" which included Sharpies, post-its, candy, snacks, and other things. You know you have a good friend when she knows exactly what color of Sharpies to bring you (Valley Girl Violet and Leg Warmer Orange)! Thank you Sal! Then my friend Lori brought me another goodie bag with more candy (notice a trend?), a picture frame, and a super cute scarf (cannot wait to wear it!)! THEN....imagine my surprise when a super handsome man came strolling in, cake and balloons in hand! Holy. Cow.
We ended the day with our normal Wednesday routine- ballet and dinner! It was the best birthday EVER and I feel RIDICULOUSLY blessed to have so many awesome people in my life! Love love love love!

Belly Button, DUH!

Morning conversation went something like this today:


Lilly: Mom, I know that you were fat before. But it was because you had a baby in your belly.
me: Well, I wasn't FAT Lilly, I was pregnant! But yes, what about it?
Lilly: I was just wondering if you could feel us inside of your belly?
me: I could feel you moving around. Anderson always pushed his hands and feet against my stomach. Daddy and I could see his hands and feet sometimes! both kids were extremely amused by this!
Anderson: Did I hurt you when I kicked you and punched you?
me: Anderson?! Is that what you were doing?! Daddy always told me you were just stretching out! kids are laughing hysterically about the thought of Anderson punching and kicking my insides!
Lilly: Mom? How do babies come out of their mom's belly?
uuuuuuuuuuuugh...............................................
me: Their BELLY BUTTON, duh! How about this weather, ya'll?! eeeeeeek!

Perspective

It's been a minute since I posted anything, which is weird because I feel like I always have so much to say. I literally go through my days thinking "oh I should write about that" or "that would be a great title for my next post!" Anyway, I've been thinking a lot lately about the coming year. We started a new series at church last week titled "Perspectives" and I'm super excited about it. But with that excitement comes the reality that things are going to change, both outwardly and within myself. I'm excited, but I'm scared. Or maybe more so intimidated.

So like I was saying...I continue to realize things about about myself that I maybe never really acknowledged until recently. It's interesting because I wrote back in March about things that I was hopeful for in my next relationship...things that I wanted in life, in a partner, for myself and my kids. I wrote here about how I felt a calling to be something more than "just" a mom. I finally felt like I wanted to "do life" with someone. Ya'll know how much I always prided myself on being so independent (exhausting). I thought about the type of person that I wanted to go through life with...but even still, I was a little scared to admit all those things because I felt like I was so far off from "that" person that I wondered why God would bring someone like that into my life. I don't want to say that I am undeserving, but yeah that's how I felt.
I have people in my life who don't think I'm deserving too. There are people who call me a phony. People who question why I'd want to take this leap of faith. People who doubt my relationship. People who aren't "on board" with my choices. Honestly for the first time in my whole adult life, I just don't care anymore. I am tired of worrying about how other people will accept me. I'm done worrying how my relationship fits into someone else's life. I'm done worrying that my relationship will offend someone. I'm done wondering if my relationship will be awkward for someone else. I'm done doubting myself and I'm done letting other people control my choices. I'm done allowing people who don't add positivity to my life to control me from afar, manipulate my decisions, and place doubt in my mind.
I'm positive that my choices are the best ones for me and my kids. I'm confident that I am putting my kids before everything else. I have to trust that God has prepared my heart and the kids' hearts for the coming months. I trust that whatever changes occur this year God is directing us, leading us, and most importantly He has His hand on everything.

2013

Holy moly I cannot believe that it's already 2013! There was a time when I wondered if 2012 would ever end! The end of 2012 turned out to be INCREDIBLE and I am so excited to start this new year! Here's a quick look back...

January: My 30th birthday turned out to be pretty incredible thanks to my girls! I was SO excited to turn thirty! For whatever reason I thought turning thirty would change my life! haha! Well, I guess in some ways it did...and still is!
February: I went on my first cruise! My brother took me to the Bahamas to help me get away from life for a few days and to celebrate my thirtieth! It was absolutely wonderful! Although the weather was a little chilly, it was so much fun to go away with my brother! I can't wait to do it again!
March: My precious baby boy got baptized! This may be my top memory of 2012! It was also this month that I had an epiphany about the "type of person" I was becoming (or maybe always had been?). It was this month that I admitted aloud (errr, on my blog) that I felt a calling to be something more than just a mom. I addressed that feeling that had been tugging at my insides...that feeling that I wanted to "do life" with someone. I wrote about it here.
April: Easter is always one of my most favorite times of the year, and this year was no exception! I just love getting the kids dressed up and spending the Sunday with my family! There's nothing better!
May: My sweet little girl turned SIX! We had a fun little party at home and just celebrated our fabulous little Lills!
June: We took our first big road trip with my kids, my cousin, and her kids. Four kids in the car for five hours actually turned out to be a lot of fun! Later in the month my cousin and I took a much-needed kidless vacation to Florida! It was SO much fun and I CANNOT WAIT to go back this year!
July: What a hottttttttttttt month! Whew!
August: My Lilly started first grade and my baby boy started Junior Kindergarten. Ridiculous how quickly my kids are growing.
September: Anderson had his first major accident...this was a big deal in our house as we had never had something like this happen!! He ended up being totally fine, but it was scary to take the little guy in to the doctor for a gash in his head!
October: This was an awesome month for me professionally!
November: I had dinner with a few old friends from high school...life changing dinner! It's always nice to catch up with old friends, but to top it off I started talking to the most incredible man EVER!
December: We finished the year off with a bang! We had a great Christmas with family and the kids got to spend some time with their Dad.

Overall I was pumped to ring in the new year but even more than that, I am so excited for big things that are going to happen in 2013! Here's to another year of blogging!