Someone

I didn't want to write about this, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm going to explode if I keep it all inside my mind much longer. With all the recent events in my life I can't help but feel like something is missing. I feel greedy admitting that, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Something is missing. It wasn't until yesterday that I was finally ready to acknowledge what it is. It's someone, not something.
This past weekend we spent the weekend in Chicago. It was a great opportunity for my brothers to meet Charlie and of course it was nice to spend some time hanging out with my whole family. But on the way home that weekend I realized that my heart was aching. My mom and I were talking about the wedding and dress shopping. It hit me right then, hard, that my grandma wasn't going to be there to help me pick out my wedding dress. It made me cringe. I shook it off and continued the drive home. That night as I was falling asleep I prayed for God to help me feel my grandma's presence and to just calm my mind and my aching heart.
Yesterday I received a random text from my mom while I was at work. It broke my heart to know that her heart was hurting, but more than that, it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in missing her.

As happy as I am for my grandma being in Heaven and being healthy and happy, I can't help but selfishly wish she was still here...for my mom and for me. I hate going through this wedding without her. I hate the idea of shopping for "the" wedding dress without her opinion. I hate the thought of her not seeing me marry the man of my dreams. I hate that she won't hug me before I walk down the aisle. I hate that she never met Charlie. I hate that she isn't here to dote all over my kids. I hate that I feel so sad about her not being here. I don't want this to be a sad time for anyone. I want my wedding to be a celebration and I want us to feel her presence there. I want to go through the biggest day of my life knowing that she's watching me and that she has her hand on us and is blessing us. I know that she would love Charlie and even though she never met him, I know that she would have approved and she would have loved his big giant hugs.

I'm anxious to go dress shopping this weekend without her, but I am holding on to the hope that we will be able to feel her presence with us.