"Don't play the jealous game."

When you've been burned in a previous relationship, it's hard not to carry that baggage into future relationships. But for the first time in my life I feel relaxed and comfortable with myself and who I am as part of a couple. Sure there are situations that have come up in the past six months that make me insecure and make me question whether or not I "have it in me" to go down this road again. But I think the difference is, this time I'm on a completely different road. This road isn't bumpy, it's not winding, it's not hilly. It's not straight and narrow either. Rather, it's one of those smooth, calm, wide-open roads. The kind of road that you know is going to take you somewhere magical, somewhere very few people get to visit.
There are moments I catch myself being unappreciative of the things that JM does for me. He leaves me cute notes all over the place, he drives countless miles each month to be able to spend time with me, and he makes every effort to make sure I feel loved. This is a man who, I know, would do anything to make sure that I was taken care of, protected, and happy.
Oftentimes I complain about my past, and the hardships that I went through after Aaron left. There are times I feel entitled to great things because I went through so many "horrible" things. I can't help but be ashamed at those thoughts. Nothing I went through was THAT terrible. Nothing happened "to" me. I've finally been able to step back and appreciate the things that occurred in the past, because without all those tough times, I never would have found my most perfect man.

I love you JM. You are the man of my dreams. I will be forever grateful to have met you. I cannot wait to spend forever with you.

3

Three years ago, the most wonderful lady was taken from this earth. It's hard to believe that her laugh, her voice, her face has been gone from our lives for so long. Although my memories of her will last forever, my heart can't help but ache at the void of her presence. They say that time heals everything. I think "they" didn't have a grandma like Donna B. Anglin.
My kids' memories of Gigi are limited. Although we still talk about her often, the only reminder Anderson has of the way Gigi looks is based on the framed picture of her and Pa-Paw on my nightstand. Lilly just remembers that she was "so tiny" and I always tease her that she'd probably be taller than Gigi by now! Lilly finds this hilarious! (As we all did once we finally grew taller than Grandma!)

Although my heart is heavy today, my hope is that we continue to remember and celebrate all the great memories we have of Grandma. And most of all, I hope my mom knows that she is not alone today, and that Grandma is watching over her, proud as can be at the things Mom is doing, especially for Grandpa. My mom has kept her promises to Grandma, and for that I know Grandma would be forever grateful.

Something quick...

Lilly's second day of school seemed to go as smoothly as her first day. The only major upset that she reported was the giant tear on her new dress. She said that someone kept untying her bow on the back of her dress and when she moved away, it ripped the bottom of her dress. Is this the first sign of bullying? I certainly hope not!!!
**Anderson seemed to be "back to normal" after school today! And he was fighting with his sister within 5 minutes of reuniting! Shew!

The kids and I took a nice walk with our neighbor friends yesterday! It was a great way to get out of the house, enjoy the GORGEOUS early-fall weather, and also burn a few calories! After the walk, we enjoyed the company of our friends for an hour, before turning in for the night! Overall, a relaxing, enjoyable evening.

As JM was leaving for work this morning, he noticed some things missing from his car, which had been parked (unlocked) in my driveway. I feel terrible for him, but hope this will serve as a reminder to be more careful about locking his doors. The guy is just too darn trusting; an extreme optimist (to a fault).

Yesterday was a milestone "anniversary" for JM and me. Five months! LOL! I cannot believe that we've only been seeing each other for such a short time. I feel like he's been in my life forever, and I truly cannot imagine life without him. He came home "early" from work (7:45 instead of 10pm!)with flowers in hand! He's amazing! This morning, I found a small note in my purse. He seems to know exactly what to do to make me feel loved! He's so great!

She Made It!!!! He didn't.

Lilly made it through her first day as a kindergartner! It was hilarious to hear the things she chose to focus on about her first day...the bus didn't have seat belts and she got to put her feet on the seat in front of her (a big no-no in Mama's car!), Ava's cute earrings, and Mrs.Summers' sayings ("Folder, locker, seat. Folder, locker, seat. Folder, locker, seat!")! Overall, I'd say her day was a success!

Anderson, on the other hand, seemed to be struggling a little without his big sis. When I went to pick them up from daycare, Anderson ran to me and instantly wanted me to pick him up and carry him out (a rarity for Anderson). When we got home he got jammies on, grabbed his blanket and pillow, and laid on the kitchen floor until dinner. All he wanted was a piece of Gigi toast (peanut butter toast) and water. I KNEW something was up! Today I talked to his teacher about it and she said at one point during the day yesterday, Anderson was clinging to the fence at recess, yelling "Lilly? Lilly?" It's about the darn saddest image I've ever had. I sure hope today goes more smoothly for our little guy!

Kindergarten

Who knew a twelve letter word could be so life-altering? Tomorrow is the big day...the day that begins the rest of our lives. My precious baby girl starts kindergarten. Okay okay, maybe it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be, but it's a pretty huge deal! Of course we always knew that one day Lilly would start school, but never did I think it'd sneak up on me this quickly. She's only five!!! Are we SURE five year olds should be starting school?
I remember when she was born and everyone told Aaron and I to "enjoy it while it lasts" because time flies by. I remember thinking that we had forever. I remember thinking that she'd always be our little baby girl. Kindergarten seemed centuries away! Who knew that five years would go by so quickly? I hear people say that once they start kindergarten, there's no looking back, and before we know it she'll be driving. (EEEEEK!) I just can't grasp those milestones.

I was talking to a friend on Friday and I made the comment that I'm not really SAD about Lilly starting school, and that I was actually READY for her to get a new routine started. I don't know if I truly believed it, or if I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with it, but now, thirteen and a half hours before her first day of kindergarten begins, I TOTALLY change my mind. I'm NOT ready for her to go, and I am ridiculously SAD about this new adventure (for myself, not for her)! I know she's excited and I know my little Lilly will adapt just fine, but it still doesn't prepare me for what's about to come.

Prayers for Mama, please? Oh yeah...and Lilly too of course!!!!!!!

Be Patient. Let Go. Relax.

I realized during my student teaching, that I was not cut out to be a teacher. As much as I enjoyed teaching English, I learned that I had zero patience for the students! Major problem! As a parent, I see my patience being tested all the time. I blame it on their age and tell (promise) myself it'll get better once they get a little older. My mom assures me this isn't the case! Crap!

I'm a self-admitted control freak. As much as I'd love to just let things play out on their own, and in their own time, I am beginning to realize that I just may not be capable of doing this. I use the excuse that I was put into the position of "control" when Aaron left, which MAY be true...with the kids. But what about the other aspects of my life, the other relationships?

I went on a "one-day-at-a-time" kick at the beginning of the year. It proved to be successful for me! I was happier. I was carefree, yet in control of my life. I want to get back to that point. I want to be able to just go with the flow, let things roll off my back, and just trust that it will all be okay. Although I have NO idea how to get to that point, and although I'm scared crapless of what that means for my sanity, I am willing to take the steps necessary to get there. I wonder if there's a twelve step program for people like me? LOL!

School days, school days, good ole' .....wwwwhat?

Lilly and I spent the weekend picking up the rest of the supplies from the mile-long list provided by her school. OH. MY. GOSH. Since when did kindergarten require dry erase markers and Ziploc baggies?! What happened to the days of crayons, scissors, and glue? Now they're required to take not only two bottles of Elmer's glue, but also four jumbo glue sticks. How much gluing will take place in one school year? And, conveniently the #2 pencils (Ticonderoga, only) came in only a three-pack or a twenty-four pack, when the school list calls for only twelve. Hmmm? You think SACS has a deal with Ticonderoga?! LOL! Thus far, I've spent nearly $70 on the thirty-four item list...and I've yet to purchase the gym shoes which are required to stay at school.
I just cannot believe Lilly is about to start kindergarten. She's growing too quickly and I know time will go by even more quickly now that she's in school. Before we know it, Anderson will be starting kindergarten too! Eeek!

It's the little things!

...and really, at the end of the day, I know I'm loved.

How does this work?

As a single person, things are fairly simple, especially when it comes to coordinating plans. We're able to come and go as we please. We're able to do whatever we want on the weekend, without having to consult with someone else. Going out to see the guys every weekend isn't such a bad thing. We don't worry about what affect our actions have on anyone else...because there is no one else!!!
As a couple, how do we insure that we're being mindful of our partner, while still maintaining our own identity outside of the relationship? It goes from going out with a buddy once a week, to going out with him once every couple months. Things are just different. We want to still have our "old" friends, yet be willing and open to making "new" friendships. We want to have our "own" space and our "own" time, but still spend time with our partner. He wants to be catering to her needs, yet not her sole rock of stability. She wants to feel needed, but not used. There are so many factors to consider.

JM and I had to finally have this talk. There's a gap in where we WANT to be, and where we literally CAN be right now. Although we both agree that we want to be together, 24/7 (errr, mostly!), with him working/living in MI right now, it's just not possible. So when he's in GR and I'm in FTW, there's a sense of disconnect between old versus new life. Single verses coupled. Working through these things has been difficult for us, especially being so far away from each other. But we both see the value in each other and in our relationship. I'm confident that as long as we can maintain this mutual respect for each other, we'll work through these minor bumps in the road.

Distant Dating...

...is hard. No matter what, the distance between two people in a relationship, can be tough. As AMAZING as JM is at trying to make sure I get enough of his attention, there are days that it seems impossible to keep up this long distance relationship. It's hard from my aspect because I have my babies and I can't just pick up and go visit him whenever I'd like to! It's tough for him to come here because he works ridiculously long hours and has at least a two hour drive to FTW from any of his chosen work campuses. It stinks. I have to give JM mad props for all the driving he does to come see me. There are weeks that he'll spend three or four nights in FTW during the week, each of those days driving two hours to and from his campus. He'll leave at 6am and get home around 10pm. It's terrible for him and I know this. I feel horrible that he has to drive all the time. I know I don't tell him enough that I appreciate him for driving all the way here to spend time with me-- even if it's only eight hours at night. He's amazing and I am completely smitten with him. I hope I tell him this enough.

Back HOME again...in Indiana!

The kids got back from MN on Saturday morning. Aaron and I met in Chicago at my brother's condo to make the switch! This was the first time that Aaron literally just dropped the kids off and went on his merry little way. I let him know that I would just meet him out at the street when he got there, we'd make the switch, and that'd be that. In the past, Aaron always came up to Adam's place and hung out with the fam for awhile, but...things are a'changin'!

The kids wanted to see their uncles, so we spent about an hour in Chicago before heading back to Indiana! It's crazy how much kids can change in just one week. Lilly looked like a five year old, going on twelve. She had a cute little tan, and her face just looked so mature. She was very calm and reserved. It worried me a little to think that her little mind might be confused at the transition. Anderson looked about two feet taller than when he left to go to his dad's. His hair looked blonder and his little baby skin looked golden brown! SO handsome! Needless to say, mama was happy to have them back!

On the way home, the kids told me about their time at Aaron's...a lot of which included stories about Daddy's "friend" *****(whom we'll leave nameless, because surly it'll be a different gal before their next visit). The kids really liked her and said she was a lot of fun! This made me happy, which was a surprise reaction for me! I never want to be with him again, but for the longest time, I was possessive of him. Looking back, I'm sure it was more about not wanting another girl around my babies, but after hearing how much fun they had with Aaron and ******, I was more relieved that he was with a nice girl and that she enjoyed spending time with my kids. I just want the babies to be happy and have fun when they're with him...even if that means he has them around a new girl everytime they visit (which to date, has been the case). But that's his business.

The reality is, I know I'm providing stability at home. I am learning to let go of my past resentments. I am learning that the time the kids spend with Aaron is very minimal, due to the distance, and that spending time with his flavor-of-the-month when they are there, won't damage my kids. We're already back into the swing of things at home and it was as though they never left! We're doing just fine!


**I just tripped, stepping off my soapbox!!