Memories

Have you ever watched those sappy movies about one spouse who dies but leaves handwritten notes for the living spouse? Or once the person dies, the other person pulls out old home movies to remember their spouse by? Okay so that's super morbid I get that, but it kinda makes me think...should I be doing that? The thought of writing my daughter a note for her when she graduates, out of fear that I may not be there to watch her graduate, makes my stomach do some unflattering flips. And it's probably even more grotesque of me to openly admit that I have these thoughts...but seriously, does anyone else do this? I was thinking though...when was the last time I hand wrote a note to anyone, let alone wrote a note to someone intended for the future? And what if the intention wasn't to write a note because I'm worried that I won't be here, but rather because I just want my kids (or my hubby) to know where I was (mentally) in different seasons of our lives? Makes it a little less creepy, right?
I also think that I need to start printing out more pictures. If anything happened to my phone, I would be so out of luck. I rarely take pictures on my camera now since I rely so heavily on my phone! I have a few friends who have recommended different sites to print Instagram pics from, and I think I'm going to give it a whirl! Not to mention, who doesn't love looking through photo albums every once in awhile?

Yeah, I think this is going to be my next project (ya know, after the wedding that we're planning and all!)!!!

Preparation for Marriage

I am totally pumped to get married. Like, the idea of spending FOREVER with Charlie makes me want to PEE. MY. PANTS! I CANNOT wait! With all major life changes, I have to admit that there have been moments of fear...times when I look around and think "what am I getting myself into?" Or I hear about ANOTHER couple getting a divorce and its like a giant slap on the back of the head, reminding me of the brutal divorce rate statistics (50% for first marriages...and it even jumps to well over 65% for second marriages, eeek). I know that there are some statistical odds stacked against as it is (this is his second marriage, I have two kids, etc), but I can't help but think Charlie and I are taking pretty extreme measures to work through these things before we're married.
We had our first premarital counseling session with our pastor a couple weeks ago. It was a little nerve-racking, only because this was the first time he and I brought someone else into our relationship to discuss some very private and personal topics. Although Charlie and I discussed these things, having to explain to someone else how we got to this point in each of our lives was a little tough.  It was tough, but it wasn't impossible and it wasn't as painful since we knew we had each other's back and that we were there for each other no matter what. Our pastor gave us each a book to read through before we meet with him again. It's called "Things I wish I'd Known Before We Got Married." It's written by the same fella who wrote "The Five Love Languages" (another thing I'd recommend learning about yourself and your spouse before getting married). In the book that our pastor gave us, it gives different topics that people have cited as "issues" in their marriage. It's been nice working through this book on my own and then talking about it with Charlie. I definitely know there will be tough times, but I also know that he and I will work through our issues and never give up. We ended the session by walking our pastor to the door and then doing a celebratory "oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah" dance and high-fiving  after we closed the door!
It's so comforting to know that no matter what my past is, no matter what mistakes I've made, no matter how backwards some aspects of my life may seem, I am who I am because of each of those things and it brought me to the most incredible man ever...a man who sees me for who I am now (good and bad) and loves me through it all. My fear is that someone will mistaken my "fears" mentioned in the first paragraph and think that Charlie and I aren't strong enough to get married or that I have doubts about marrying him. That's not the case. My hope is that someone else will read this and know that being engaged (and I'm assuming married) is an exciting time in your life, but it can also be a scary time. Add to that the fact that not many people talk (honestly) about their fears before getting married, and you may be left thinking that your feelings are abnormal. Don't be fooled. I have enough good friends who can be real with me and admit that there will be crummy days...days when you become so annoyed you want to flick your husband...days when you don't want to talk to each other...days when you get a little nervous about changing the whole routine that you've worked so hard to (single-handedly) make successful...days when you fear that bringing a man into your perfect triangle will disrupt the lives of your precious babies...days when you question your future. But, through it all the one constant thing that you cling to is that you are moved to the core when you say his name, feel his touch, or see his face. The reality that you cannot imagine life without this person. The understanding that because of him, your children will have a better life, they will know true love, and they will see what it means when someone loves their mom the right way. I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life...with the man I prayed to God for.

Do Life. Better.

I hate that I've been slacking on my blog lately....honestly if I would just commit to writing everyday, I'd have more than enough material to write about, but I just don't allow myself the time to do it. I really wish I was the kind of person to sit down at the end of each day and just write my little heart out...Which kinda brings me to one of the points I've been wanting to write about....

Lately I find myself saying "I wish I was like that" about many different things. Last Thursday I went to an event at the church for the children's ministry. It was a big giant step out of my very tiny comfort zone, but I went anyway. I was pleasantly surprised to see one of my old work friends there. She started going to Sonrise about a year ago. To say that she dove in head first would be the understatement of the universe! She and her husband instantly got involved in a number of small groups. She quit her job and has been doing different volunteer work at the church! It's incredible! I admire her so much! When I went home that night I told Charlie how "I wish I was like that..." especially when it comes to her willingness to just jump right in. I've been going to the same church for almost four years (this June) and I haven't been involved in one small group and I haven't volunteered for anything at the church. It makes me a little disappointed in myself because I know there are things that I could be doing, but I'm so afraid (for lack of a better word) of stepping outside of my norm. I feel like I'm just not the type of person to stick around and chat with people. Or is that just my excuse for not getting more involved and for not doing "life" with people in my church? Oy.
Charlie makes it seem so easy. He says "if you want to be that person then do it, be it." He's right. What am I so afraid of? So my life is a little different than other people's, but so what? Isn't my life just as God intended? So what am I ashamed of?  Doesn't part of being a Christian include doing life with other Christians?

Something to ponder, no?

Someone

I didn't want to write about this, but it's gotten to a point where I feel like I'm going to explode if I keep it all inside my mind much longer. With all the recent events in my life I can't help but feel like something is missing. I feel greedy admitting that, but it's the honest to goodness truth. Something is missing. It wasn't until yesterday that I was finally ready to acknowledge what it is. It's someone, not something.
This past weekend we spent the weekend in Chicago. It was a great opportunity for my brothers to meet Charlie and of course it was nice to spend some time hanging out with my whole family. But on the way home that weekend I realized that my heart was aching. My mom and I were talking about the wedding and dress shopping. It hit me right then, hard, that my grandma wasn't going to be there to help me pick out my wedding dress. It made me cringe. I shook it off and continued the drive home. That night as I was falling asleep I prayed for God to help me feel my grandma's presence and to just calm my mind and my aching heart.
Yesterday I received a random text from my mom while I was at work. It broke my heart to know that her heart was hurting, but more than that, it was comforting to know that I wasn't alone in missing her.

As happy as I am for my grandma being in Heaven and being healthy and happy, I can't help but selfishly wish she was still here...for my mom and for me. I hate going through this wedding without her. I hate the idea of shopping for "the" wedding dress without her opinion. I hate the thought of her not seeing me marry the man of my dreams. I hate that she won't hug me before I walk down the aisle. I hate that she never met Charlie. I hate that she isn't here to dote all over my kids. I hate that I feel so sad about her not being here. I don't want this to be a sad time for anyone. I want my wedding to be a celebration and I want us to feel her presence there. I want to go through the biggest day of my life knowing that she's watching me and that she has her hand on us and is blessing us. I know that she would love Charlie and even though she never met him, I know that she would have approved and she would have loved his big giant hugs.

I'm anxious to go dress shopping this weekend without her, but I am holding on to the hope that we will be able to feel her presence with us.

OUR Wedding!

Charlie and I haven't wasted much time....we're already knee deep in wedding planning...and oddly enough, I. ABSOLUTELY. LOVE. IT. I never considered myself a "wedding girl" at all. In fact, I never really wanted a wedding. Ever. But after talking to my mom and Charlie's mom, they both encouraged us to make a bigger deal out of it than what I was originally planning (me and my handsome fiance' on a secluded island reciting vows and then spending the rest of the trip doing nothing but relaxing in the sand!). Once I got the wedding idea in my head, everything has seemed to fall into place perfectly (please say I didn't just curse myself).

Originally we wanted a small wedding on Lake Michigan. How gorgeous, right? But after trying to figure out all the logistical details, we've decided that a local wedding, in the town where he proposed (and we both love) is perfect for us. In addition to that, we're inviting only immediate family (sorry aunts, uncle, cousins, and friends). We chose this for a very specific reason, and I'm already extremely tired of having to justify it. So let me just explain once and for all....Although I know I'm not oooollllllld, I do think that having a wedding at the age of thirty-one is already slightly "nontraditional." Add to that the fact that I have two small kids, and Charlie was previously married (and had a big wedding) and there's more than enough reason to NOT want a huge shindig. I just want the day to be about me and Charlie and what these vows signify for US. I don't want it to be a huge production. I don't want the meaning of the day to get lost in the insignificant details of ribbons, tulle, and burlap. I will not let this day be jeopardized by trivial stressors. I cannot wait to marry Charlie and I am so excited to celebrate our commitment to each other with the people who mean the most in our lives. My biggest wish right now is that our family and friends would understand this and not question our decision to have a small wedding. This is what we're doing and it's what works for us. The day is, after all, about us.

I'm very excited to continue the wedding planning with Charlie! We've had a lot of fun picking out songs, colors, and other small details together. I am going dress shopping with my mom and cousin in a few weeks and to say that I'm dyyyyyying with excitement would be the understatement of the century! I am PUMPED! We have started looking at "fancy" dresses for Lilly and suits for Anderson! Lilly is sooo excited!

I cannot wait to share all the details of our wedding this summer! Stay tuned for more on all that...!

Relevant

I'm sitting here writing while the kids are both still in bed. My house is nearly silent, other than the sound of my fingers clicking away on the laptop. This. Never. Happens! There's something to be said about a few minutes of uninterrupted "me" time. And if I'm being honest, I've been craving some time alone. Or as I like I say "I need a daaaaang minute, ya'll!" Please do not read this and think I need a break from my kids or my new fiance', that's not the case, but my mind feels like it's been going 'round and 'round for the past couple weeks and I think it's finally catching up with the rest of my body. And to be frank, I'm exhausting myself. After an early bedtime last night, I woke up this morning feeling a bit refreshed and more relaxed. With the help of my new favorite (old) Kutless song, "Draw Me Near" I am feeling motivated and inspired.

Charlie and I spent a little time last night listening to the sermon that I wrote about in my last post. He worked last weekend and so he missed church (bummer). Luckily, we are able to pull up old messages on our church's website and listen anytime. I'm so grateful for this because I knew it was a message that he'd want to hear. And of course hearing the "original" version was a lot better for him than my broken interpretation that I tried to regurgitate to him last Monday. Although I had taken a page full of "notes" during last Sunday's service, hearing it again last night with Charlie helped me to understand it even more and to understand the enormity of what our pastor was preaching and what God is calling us to do.

Last Monday Charlie and I took the day off to hang out together. We took a little day trip to a nearby town to check out a fun little diner, but it was then that I told him about my "vision" that I drummed up from this exact sermon. As you'll remember, our pastor said that, at our church, we're not just bobbin' for poopies. We are there to DO. We are there, not to play games, but to change lives. He talked about the old model for sharing God's Word, which intimidates a lot of people (ummm, me!). But our pastor turned to the idea of reaching today's world by doing what's relevant. He said  we are to "use what is cultural to communicate what is timeless." I sat there last Sunday at church (with Charlie's mom) thinking about what this meant. Using what is cultural...hmmmm, the internet...my blog?....to communicate what is timeless...God's Word. Ding. Light. Bulb. Moment.
You see, I wrote about this a long time ago...about how I felt this tugging at my heart to do more with my blog. I felt like I had shared "my story" and I was continuously sharing, and I always will. But what does anyone "get" from my blog? What does anyone take away after reading "my story." I'm not saying that I'm capable of changing lives like my church does, but what if something I said helped one person? What if it made someone's day better or easier or gave someone hope? Ahh, that is my mission.

I'd love to go into this way more, but I hear the pitter-patter of four little feet running around upstairs, aimlessly looking for their mama!

All I ask is that you stick with me while I sort out what all this means for me, my blog, and my family....

to be continued....

We're Not Just Bobbin' For Poopies

I heard a really incredible sermon last weekend, which is now serving as the title of this post! Don't freak, my church isn't that cray-zay, but it does oftentimes present a message that sticks with me days later and sometimes just because our pastor uses the word "poopies". Anyway, the sermon went something like this:
My pastor knew a guy who was serving as a youth pastor at another church. He was leading about 12 teenagers in his church. One summer they went to China and "smuggled" Bibles to the people there (this was many years ago, mind you). Long story short, this youth pastor eventually went on to help start up another church in a different state and was replaced by a new youth pastor. On this youth pastor's first day, he poured gallons of Mountain Dew into huge buckets and dumped in some candy bars. He informed these teens that they'd be "bobbin' for poopies"...this was the same group of kids, who just months earlier, were smuggling Bibles into China. The point my pastor was making was that these kids didn't to just play games- they wanted to DO something that actually mattered- that would make a difference in the world.
I absolutely loved that story and it made me think a lot about how oftentimes in life we just go through the motions and we just play games. Well, I don't want that for my life. And apparently neither does my FIANCE!

This past Saturday, Charlie and I spent the evening walking hand in hand in a quaint little downtown of a neighboring town. It was a chilly night so we stopped for hot cider beforehand and bundled up to take a leisurely stroll through the gorgeous downtown. It's the kind of little town where you can walk on the brick sidewalks and pass windows of locally owned restaurants to see couples dining over delicious homemade food. It's the kind of town where it feels like people fall in love and stay in love. Oh it's just so cute! Our conversation was much like our conversations any other night...we were going on and on about how much we love each other and how insane it is that we "found" each other and how blessed we each felt. (In short, one of those conversations that if you heard anyone else having, you'd puke your guts out because it's so pathetically sappy...yeah, that's us!) But my point is, I had no clue that anything was about to happen because this was a conversation we'd had so many other times...but then there he was, down on one knee, in this gorgeous tree-lit courtyard, surrounded by a white picket fence (literally), asking me to spend the rest of my life with him. When I finally caught my breath I of course said yes and continued to try to wrap my mind around what this meant...I was going to get to spend the rest of my life with the man of my dreams. the man I had prayed to God about. the man who would lead our family and the man who would love me like Jesus loved the church. This was a man who wouldn't play games, but would actually DO life with me and DO what he knows to be right. Holy. Stinkin'. Cow. I was dyyyyying! Not only is Charlie the most handsome man I've ever laid eyes on, he's got the bigget heart. He loves like no one I've ever known before. He puts 10000% into everything, which I know will include me and the kids. He believes God's word faithfully and strives to follow His word at all costs. He challenges me in a way that I've never been challenged. He unknowingly calms my mind with his presence. For the first time in my adult life, I feel protected and I know that he will always have my back. I absolutely adore this man and I know that my kids and I are ridiculously blessed to have him. And, through everything, I know that he's not playing games- I know that we're not just bobbin' for poopies together. I know that this is the real deal and that I have found my very best friend! I cannot wait to do life with him every single day, from now until forever.