I'm ashamed of myself that it takes something so tragic to put things into perspective for me. I had been having a pretty crappy day, mostly self-induced. I found myself pouting, crying even, and just thinking about how "my life was over" because of something so trivial.
JM found out today that beginning in July he would be based permanently in Grand Rapids, after just admitting to me days earlier that he had decided he wanted to be a "traveler" for our company. After learning from his boss that traveling full-time was not an option, JM had no other choice but to take a new role, based in his hometown of GR. You're probably wondering why this was such a tragedy for me....Well, with JM on the road, it allowed more time for him to visit me in FTW. Things had been going well for us. We had been spending more time together, talking daily, and just really enjoying each other's company. Truth be told, things probably hadn't changed on JM's end of things; he still was enjoying his life as a single man, with no plans of settling down with me and the kids. Fair enough. But for whatever reason, I saw our friendship as progress toward a fresh start. After he told me his news today, I found myself in a self-pity, depressed, whoa-is-me mood. I thought of all the things that we wouldn't be doing together anymore. I thought of how preoccupied he'd be with his GR life, and how I would (once again) become just something from the past...a girl he randomly saw and talked to, someone he once loved, someone who just didn't measure up to what he really wanted in life. Ouch. These are all very self-deprecating thoughts, yet ones that I battle with often (but that's a whole other post).
I texted a dear friend of mine, Amanda, claiming "I hate life"...to which she responded "me too." This was an odd response from her, so I knew instantly that something was really wrong. Come to find out, Amanda just lost her grandpa tonight. After discovering in mid-May that he had a large mass in his lungs, her grandpa had been battling with cancer, less than two years after losing his wife in a horrific car accident. Amanda had been dealing with her grandma's sudden death ever since I knew her, and learning that her grandpa was now dying was more than anyone should have to endure.
I just realize tonight that my "issues" with JM are completely irrelevant in the grand scheme of things. I have JM's friendship, he's healthy, my kids are healthy and happy, and life is good for the most part. Sure JM and I aren't together, but I still have him in my life. Nothing tragic has happened to make me "hate life"...And it's time I start recognizing that life is entirely too short to live it wishing things were different.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Calming, Simple, Lovely, Gentle Man
Do you ever find yourself driving alone and something just takes you back to an old memory? I had the day off today and trust me I took COMPLETE advantage of the alone time, but something about the day made me reflect on last summer.
Last summer was one of those story-book-perfect summers. JM and I were still new in our relationship, and it was some of the first months that we spent as a "family" (he and I and the kids). I remember sitting back, watching him with the kids and just thinking that I must be the luckiest girl in the universe, because no one gets a man like this. He was so perfect with them, made me feel like a queen, and had this overall calming effect on everyone around him. This is something that six months post-breakup I miss terribly.
I thought back to last Labor Day at the lake with his family. It was the first time I was meeting his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...(I think I already wrote about that last year!), but I remember something from that day that sticks with me to this day and something that I will forever use as a gauge in future relationships (bleh). JM and I had gone into town to buy ice cream for everyone. As we pulled out of the driveway at the lake house, I looked over at this man, this perfectly simple, lovely, gentle man, and I thought to myself that I had finally found "it"...I had never felt like this before and for some crazy reason I just started crying (behind sunglasses!). I remember texting my mom and telling her what I was feeling. I told her that his family was perfect and that I could just cry because I was so happy and in love.
Although JM and I aren't together, I will forever remember that feeling of being so overwhelmingly in love. It was the best feeling in the world and something that I don't know if I will ever be able to replicate with someone else.
I know that love stories and romantic movies are the curse to real-life relationships, but I can't help but (not so secretly) believe that they do exist. I feel like I truly lived one before, and I have to trust that things are just as they are supposed to be.
Last summer was one of those story-book-perfect summers. JM and I were still new in our relationship, and it was some of the first months that we spent as a "family" (he and I and the kids). I remember sitting back, watching him with the kids and just thinking that I must be the luckiest girl in the universe, because no one gets a man like this. He was so perfect with them, made me feel like a queen, and had this overall calming effect on everyone around him. This is something that six months post-breakup I miss terribly.
I thought back to last Labor Day at the lake with his family. It was the first time I was meeting his aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...(I think I already wrote about that last year!), but I remember something from that day that sticks with me to this day and something that I will forever use as a gauge in future relationships (bleh). JM and I had gone into town to buy ice cream for everyone. As we pulled out of the driveway at the lake house, I looked over at this man, this perfectly simple, lovely, gentle man, and I thought to myself that I had finally found "it"...I had never felt like this before and for some crazy reason I just started crying (behind sunglasses!). I remember texting my mom and telling her what I was feeling. I told her that his family was perfect and that I could just cry because I was so happy and in love.
Although JM and I aren't together, I will forever remember that feeling of being so overwhelmingly in love. It was the best feeling in the world and something that I don't know if I will ever be able to replicate with someone else.
I know that love stories and romantic movies are the curse to real-life relationships, but I can't help but (not so secretly) believe that they do exist. I feel like I truly lived one before, and I have to trust that things are just as they are supposed to be.
Monday, June 18, 2012
I Remember That Feeling...
If you're a parent, you know how exciting planning a vacation can be...especially when it's a kidless vacation. Of course vacations with the kids are a BLAST, but sometimes an adult-only trip is exactly what you need. My cousin had been bugging me to do a quick trip to FL with her, but as you know from previous posts, I'm insanely obsessed with being HOME, so the thought of a long weekend away made my anxiety kick into full gear...but eventually I caved and we booked the flight to Florida...just the two of us! (But I'll write about that later!)
In order to be able to pull off a kidless vacation, I had to get someone to watch the kids. In an attempt to give Aaron an extra week with the kids this summer, I invited him to come watch our babies while I vacationed. What I intended to be a "favor" to Aaron (and a help to me), turned out to be yet another toxic encounter between Aaron and myself. Apparently loaning my car to Aaron (even for the two days before I left for my trip), letting him stay in my house (for five days) and have full access to everything in my house, paying for zoo passes for him and the kids, etc...just doesn't count for anything in his book. He was still his usual delightful (not) self. He was constantly annoyed with everything I said. I walked on eggshells in my own home. I couldn't stand up to him when he tried to change everything that was "normal" to me and the kids (dinner and bedtime routines, for example). And on day two, when he slammed his fist into my car, ripped his phone from the car charger, and gave me that disgusted hateful look for no clear apparent reason, I realized that the fear I have of Aaron will probably never completely disappear.
I sit here now, not intending to sound like a victim- because I am not, but to remind myself to always be cautious when it comes to my encounters with Aaron. Although I trust him to keep his anger in check with the kids, I am realistic to know that his hatred towards me (whether or not justified) is still extremely present, and I need to be aware of it and minimize the chances for those feelings to surface. What I see as helpful to Aaron (letting him stay here, letting him use my car, suggesting flights that he should take, etc) have always backfired and I've finally learned my lesson when it comes to this. I am done helping him. I am done trying to make things easier for him. I will still ALWAYS put my kids first, but my motive will be solely for them, and never again with Aaron in mind.
We are currently in the middle of planning the kids' summer trip to MN. Usually Aaron drives all the way here, stays the night, and then they leave the next morning. Inevitably Aaron and I get into an argument on the morning the kids leave (usually because he thinks I'm being a control freak, and I think he's overlooking the essentials of a 10 hour car ride with two toddlers). This time, we're trying to work it out so that the kids can fly (at least one way). Again, I do this for the kids' sake-- so that they're not wasting two days of their summer visit in a car.
I don't know how things will turn out in the future between Aaron and I as co-parents. Sometimes I feel like he and I are a team with the same goal in mind, but other times I am taken back to those years I spent living in fear of his constantly changing, unpredictable moods. The very brief moment of that fear in this past visit, was enough to remind me of how things used to be and it made me appreciate that I don't live like that anymore. All I can do is count my blessings to be out of that situation (forever), and continue to remain out of that type of lifestyle.
In order to be able to pull off a kidless vacation, I had to get someone to watch the kids. In an attempt to give Aaron an extra week with the kids this summer, I invited him to come watch our babies while I vacationed. What I intended to be a "favor" to Aaron (and a help to me), turned out to be yet another toxic encounter between Aaron and myself. Apparently loaning my car to Aaron (even for the two days before I left for my trip), letting him stay in my house (for five days) and have full access to everything in my house, paying for zoo passes for him and the kids, etc...just doesn't count for anything in his book. He was still his usual delightful (not) self. He was constantly annoyed with everything I said. I walked on eggshells in my own home. I couldn't stand up to him when he tried to change everything that was "normal" to me and the kids (dinner and bedtime routines, for example). And on day two, when he slammed his fist into my car, ripped his phone from the car charger, and gave me that disgusted hateful look for no clear apparent reason, I realized that the fear I have of Aaron will probably never completely disappear.
I sit here now, not intending to sound like a victim- because I am not, but to remind myself to always be cautious when it comes to my encounters with Aaron. Although I trust him to keep his anger in check with the kids, I am realistic to know that his hatred towards me (whether or not justified) is still extremely present, and I need to be aware of it and minimize the chances for those feelings to surface. What I see as helpful to Aaron (letting him stay here, letting him use my car, suggesting flights that he should take, etc) have always backfired and I've finally learned my lesson when it comes to this. I am done helping him. I am done trying to make things easier for him. I will still ALWAYS put my kids first, but my motive will be solely for them, and never again with Aaron in mind.
We are currently in the middle of planning the kids' summer trip to MN. Usually Aaron drives all the way here, stays the night, and then they leave the next morning. Inevitably Aaron and I get into an argument on the morning the kids leave (usually because he thinks I'm being a control freak, and I think he's overlooking the essentials of a 10 hour car ride with two toddlers). This time, we're trying to work it out so that the kids can fly (at least one way). Again, I do this for the kids' sake-- so that they're not wasting two days of their summer visit in a car.
I don't know how things will turn out in the future between Aaron and I as co-parents. Sometimes I feel like he and I are a team with the same goal in mind, but other times I am taken back to those years I spent living in fear of his constantly changing, unpredictable moods. The very brief moment of that fear in this past visit, was enough to remind me of how things used to be and it made me appreciate that I don't live like that anymore. All I can do is count my blessings to be out of that situation (forever), and continue to remain out of that type of lifestyle.
Saturday, June 2, 2012
Boundaries
The word boundary makes me chuckle. It's a term that I heard in the past when learning how to "deal with" Aaron's addiction. It's clearly a misused term that addicts cling to as a way to try to control other people. I've debated whether or not to write this post, but then I decided that this is MY blog and it's a way for ME to express myself. People can choose whether or not they want to read (or continue reading), but I'm not going to stop writing about what matters to me.
To say that my dad and I have had a tumultuous relationship would be the understatement of the century. Unfortunately for us, we both have issues that are clearly unresolved or things that "never change" that bring us back to the same rocky relationship that we've pretty much had for all of my adult life, no matter how many attempts we've made towards a better relationship. At the same time, I take a lot of the advice that my dad throws my way, such as: "Keep your side of the road clean," and "Just because it's practical doesn't mean it's right, and just because it's right doesn't mean it's practical," and many others...
With that said...(there's always a "but" huh?), I spent about two hours going through old emails from my dad, and found that each of them has a similar undertone. Each email states something about what my dad has done FOR me, and nothing about what he's done WITH me. Each email talks about how horribly I treat HIM, yet none speak of the damage he has caused to ME. Every email is a slight dig at me, my character, me as a mother, and how I fail to be the daughter that he wants me to be FOR HIM. And in each email he speaks of boundaries and how I cross them.
I realized today that boundaries are a two-way street. Maybe I cross boundaries that my dad would LIKE for me to uphold, but I'm an adult and I don't HAVE to vindicate his never-ending need to be in control. When something he does (or doesn't do) affects me or my children, I have every "right" to react. I don't need the negativity in my life. I need people who will add to my life and to my kids' life.
Two weeks ago was Lilly's 6th birthday. We had family come to our house from out of town (out of state, even) to celebrate with her. My dad chose not to attend, and went to a play instead. He said he had the tickets months earlier--- do you not KNOW that May 19th is your (only) granddaughter's birthday? Convinced that this was an honest oversight, I invited him to Lilly's very first ballet recital, to which he responded "probably won't make it." No explanation. Just "won't make it." Nice. What bothers me though, is that he managed to come to a Memorial Day BBQ (a week after Lilly's birthday party) and is attending a graduation open house (in a town over three hours from his new residence in Kalamazoo MI) tomorrow (a day after Lilly's recital). My issue is that his priorities have never been me or my brother or sister. But he had a chance to "redeem" himself with his grandchildren, and he has already failed at that over and over.
None of us is perfect. I get that. But when a person constantly defends his lifestyle (three failed marriages and probably onto his 4th-- for example) and is unwilling to hear the opinions, comments, or concerns from anyone else, I have a personal agenda for my own family...and that is to rid us of that type of behavior, action, and negativity. I don't agree with it. I don't believe in it. And I don't want that as an example for my small children.
I don't know what this all means. I don't know what happens from here. All I know is that I'm extremely disappointed that my dad has missed out on SO much of my life, and now he's doing the same thing with my children. My instant reaction is to protect my kids from that type of disappointing relationship. We'll see what happens, I guess....
To say that my dad and I have had a tumultuous relationship would be the understatement of the century. Unfortunately for us, we both have issues that are clearly unresolved or things that "never change" that bring us back to the same rocky relationship that we've pretty much had for all of my adult life, no matter how many attempts we've made towards a better relationship. At the same time, I take a lot of the advice that my dad throws my way, such as: "Keep your side of the road clean," and "Just because it's practical doesn't mean it's right, and just because it's right doesn't mean it's practical," and many others...
With that said...(there's always a "but" huh?), I spent about two hours going through old emails from my dad, and found that each of them has a similar undertone. Each email states something about what my dad has done FOR me, and nothing about what he's done WITH me. Each email talks about how horribly I treat HIM, yet none speak of the damage he has caused to ME. Every email is a slight dig at me, my character, me as a mother, and how I fail to be the daughter that he wants me to be FOR HIM. And in each email he speaks of boundaries and how I cross them.
I realized today that boundaries are a two-way street. Maybe I cross boundaries that my dad would LIKE for me to uphold, but I'm an adult and I don't HAVE to vindicate his never-ending need to be in control. When something he does (or doesn't do) affects me or my children, I have every "right" to react. I don't need the negativity in my life. I need people who will add to my life and to my kids' life.
Two weeks ago was Lilly's 6th birthday. We had family come to our house from out of town (out of state, even) to celebrate with her. My dad chose not to attend, and went to a play instead. He said he had the tickets months earlier--- do you not KNOW that May 19th is your (only) granddaughter's birthday? Convinced that this was an honest oversight, I invited him to Lilly's very first ballet recital, to which he responded "probably won't make it." No explanation. Just "won't make it." Nice. What bothers me though, is that he managed to come to a Memorial Day BBQ (a week after Lilly's birthday party) and is attending a graduation open house (in a town over three hours from his new residence in Kalamazoo MI) tomorrow (a day after Lilly's recital). My issue is that his priorities have never been me or my brother or sister. But he had a chance to "redeem" himself with his grandchildren, and he has already failed at that over and over.
None of us is perfect. I get that. But when a person constantly defends his lifestyle (three failed marriages and probably onto his 4th-- for example) and is unwilling to hear the opinions, comments, or concerns from anyone else, I have a personal agenda for my own family...and that is to rid us of that type of behavior, action, and negativity. I don't agree with it. I don't believe in it. And I don't want that as an example for my small children.
I don't know what this all means. I don't know what happens from here. All I know is that I'm extremely disappointed that my dad has missed out on SO much of my life, and now he's doing the same thing with my children. My instant reaction is to protect my kids from that type of disappointing relationship. We'll see what happens, I guess....
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