Boundaries

The word boundary makes me chuckle. It's a term that I heard in the past when learning how to "deal with"  Aaron's addiction. It's clearly a misused term that addicts cling to as a way to try to control other people. I've debated whether or not to write this post, but then I decided that this is MY blog and it's a way for ME to express myself. People can choose whether or not they want to read (or continue reading), but I'm not going to stop writing about what matters to me.

To say that my dad and I have had a tumultuous relationship would be the understatement of the century. Unfortunately for us, we both have issues that are clearly unresolved or things that "never change" that bring us back to the same rocky relationship that we've pretty much had for all of my adult life, no matter how many attempts we've made towards a better relationship. At the same time, I take a lot of the advice that my dad throws my way, such as: "Keep your side of the road clean," and "Just because it's practical doesn't mean it's right, and just because it's right doesn't mean it's practical," and many others...

With that said...(there's always a "but" huh?), I spent about two hours going through old emails from my dad, and found that each of them has a similar undertone. Each email states something about what my dad has done FOR me, and nothing about what he's done WITH me. Each email talks about how horribly I treat HIM, yet none speak of the damage he has caused to ME. Every email is a slight dig at me, my character, me as a mother, and how I fail to be the daughter that he wants me to be FOR HIM. And in each email he speaks of boundaries and how I cross them.

I realized today that boundaries are a two-way street. Maybe I cross boundaries that my dad would LIKE for me to uphold, but I'm an adult and I don't HAVE to vindicate his never-ending need to be in control. When something he does (or doesn't do) affects me or my children, I have every "right" to react. I don't need the negativity in my life. I need people who will add to my life and to my kids' life.

Two weeks ago was Lilly's 6th birthday. We had family come to our house from out of town (out of state, even) to celebrate with her. My dad chose not to attend, and went to a play instead. He said he had the tickets months earlier--- do you not KNOW that May 19th is your (only) granddaughter's birthday? Convinced that this was an honest oversight, I invited him to Lilly's very first ballet recital, to which he responded "probably won't make it." No explanation. Just "won't make it." Nice. What bothers me though, is that he managed to come to a Memorial Day BBQ (a week after Lilly's birthday party) and is attending a graduation open house (in a town over three hours from his new residence in Kalamazoo MI) tomorrow (a day after Lilly's recital). My issue is that his priorities have never been me or my brother or sister. But he had a chance to "redeem" himself with his grandchildren, and he has already failed at that over and over.

None of us is perfect. I get that. But when a person constantly defends his lifestyle (three failed marriages and probably onto his 4th-- for example) and is unwilling to hear the opinions, comments, or concerns from anyone else, I have a personal agenda for my own family...and that is to rid us of that type of behavior, action, and negativity. I don't agree with it. I don't believe in it. And I don't want that as an example for my small children.

I don't know what this all means. I don't know what happens from here. All I know is that I'm extremely disappointed that my dad has missed out on SO much of my life, and now he's doing the same thing with my children. My instant reaction is to protect my kids from that type of disappointing relationship. We'll see what happens, I guess....