If you're a parent, you know how exciting planning a vacation can be...especially when it's a kidless vacation. Of course vacations with the kids are a BLAST, but sometimes an adult-only trip is exactly what you need. My cousin had been bugging me to do a quick trip to FL with her, but as you know from previous posts, I'm insanely obsessed with being HOME, so the thought of a long weekend away made my anxiety kick into full gear...but eventually I caved and we booked the flight to Florida...just the two of us! (But I'll write about that later!)
In order to be able to pull off a kidless vacation, I had to get someone to watch the kids. In an attempt to give Aaron an extra week with the kids this summer, I invited him to come watch our babies while I vacationed. What I intended to be a "favor" to Aaron (and a help to me), turned out to be yet another toxic encounter between Aaron and myself. Apparently loaning my car to Aaron (even for the two days before I left for my trip), letting him stay in my house (for five days) and have full access to everything in my house, paying for zoo passes for him and the kids, etc...just doesn't count for anything in his book. He was still his usual delightful (not) self. He was constantly annoyed with everything I said. I walked on eggshells in my own home. I couldn't stand up to him when he tried to change everything that was "normal" to me and the kids (dinner and bedtime routines, for example). And on day two, when he slammed his fist into my car, ripped his phone from the car charger, and gave me that disgusted hateful look for no clear apparent reason, I realized that the fear I have of Aaron will probably never completely disappear.
I sit here now, not intending to sound like a victim- because I am not, but to remind myself to always be cautious when it comes to my encounters with Aaron. Although I trust him to keep his anger in check with the kids, I am realistic to know that his hatred towards me (whether or not justified) is still extremely present, and I need to be aware of it and minimize the chances for those feelings to surface. What I see as helpful to Aaron (letting him stay here, letting him use my car, suggesting flights that he should take, etc) have always backfired and I've finally learned my lesson when it comes to this. I am done helping him. I am done trying to make things easier for him. I will still ALWAYS put my kids first, but my motive will be solely for them, and never again with Aaron in mind.
We are currently in the middle of planning the kids' summer trip to MN. Usually Aaron drives all the way here, stays the night, and then they leave the next morning. Inevitably Aaron and I get into an argument on the morning the kids leave (usually because he thinks I'm being a control freak, and I think he's overlooking the essentials of a 10 hour car ride with two toddlers). This time, we're trying to work it out so that the kids can fly (at least one way). Again, I do this for the kids' sake-- so that they're not wasting two days of their summer visit in a car.
I don't know how things will turn out in the future between Aaron and I as co-parents. Sometimes I feel like he and I are a team with the same goal in mind, but other times I am taken back to those years I spent living in fear of his constantly changing, unpredictable moods. The very brief moment of that fear in this past visit, was enough to remind me of how things used to be and it made me appreciate that I don't live like that anymore. All I can do is count my blessings to be out of that situation (forever), and continue to remain out of that type of lifestyle.
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