Be a Man

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I was thinking about how being alone is challenging. And I was thinking about how frustrating it is when things go wrong, because there's no one to blame but yourself. And I was thinking about how when I was with JM it was nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. And then I got sad because he's not around anymore and that now when things happen, I don't have anyone to talk to about them. (I promise this is not another sappy post about how much I miss him...stay with me!)
As little girls, we are taught that a man will swoop in and make our lives wonderful and happy and perfect. Then we hit our teenage years and we get our first heartache and even still we think that life without a boy seems terrible. Then we grow up a little and we do things for ourselves. We spend time with girlfriends and start to learn about who we really are...but just a little bit, because we still want a boy to come along and make things complete. For a lot of people, that happens. But for others (okay me!) that doesn't happen, or at least not right away!
If you look back at my blog, you'll probably be able to point out 545486685968 different times that I toot my own horn for being a single mom. And probably another 454958634234 times that I brag about what I "have" and how I got there "on my own"....Gross. Well, this is the post where I admit that I'm a snobby whiny brat who gives herself way too much credit for doing something that a lot of other people do too. Aaaaaand this is also the post where I admit that I don't want to go through life alone. I want a man who can be the head of the house. A man who can be responsible with our budget. A man who is comfortable in his faith. A man who isn't scared to get married and raise kids and lead a family.
This is also the first post where I admit that somewhere inside me, I've felt this calling to to be someone's wife. Where I once felt the calling to be alone and independent, I now feel that I'm being called to be someone's partner. I feel that I was created to be a mother and a wife. That's. Hard. For. Me. To. Admit. I have spent so much time wanting to be the hero of the world...playing the martyr about being a single parent...trying to appear to have it altogether. And while I admit that I do handle myself well and I am doing well for myself and for my kids, I can admit that there's something missing.
I thought JM was that person in my future. And I have no doubt that JM thought he was headed that way too. But something changed for him. I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand. I am excited for my future. I am not going to shut down like I did in the past. I'm not going to be so closed off and "against" relationships. Sure, it stinks when things don't work out, but I look back and wonder where I'd be if I had never "risked" falling in love with JM. I'm ready to start a new life story. I'm ready for great things to happen, on their own. I'm ready to step back and get out of the way of myself. I am open to a future that just happens. Stay tuned y'all!