Great Grandmas

Warning: The following blog was emotionally induced after watching "Kendra: Here Comes Baby" on E!

Great grandmas really are the perfect gems. I think back to my great grandma, Noodle Grandma, and I think about how lucky I am to have such fond memories of her. I've mentioned her in previous blogs, mostly about her noodle-making talent, which I've tried (and failed) to replicate. My Noodle Grandma used to knit slippers, which were great entertainment on hardwood floors...I mean, who doesn't LOVE to ice skate in the kitchen? My brother and I would "skate" for hours, oftentimes falling on our butts, but enjoying every single second of it. There was something special to her slippers- they were double stitched on the bottom-- some said it was to insure toes from poking out...Adam and I are still pretty sure she double stitched for skating purposes! I remember playing Chinese Marbles at her house-- even though I had NO idea how to do it. I remember the cookie tin, which Adam has since inherited, full of oatmeal cookies. Noodle Grandma had a collection of salt and pepper shakers, which were on full display at her viewing so that family members could each take his/her favorite set in remembrance of her.

I can't help but think of my kids' great grandma, my dear Grandma Anglin. I've mentioned her in many previous blogs, but of course the holiday season just makes me think of her even more. My kids were so lucky to have her, even for just the short time that they had with her. I am hopeful that Lilly will always have memories of her, and I'm sad that Anderson probably will not remember anything of her other than what we tell of her. Like I said, this is all surfacing after watching a pathetic reality show (which I happen to secretly love) on E! Kendra was having her first baby and her grandma, whom hates to fly, flew out to be there for the birth. Seeing Kendra's grandma holding her first great grandbaby made me think of the love my grandma had for Lilly and Anderson. There TRULY was a sparkle in Grandma's eyes when she was around Lilly. She loved that little girl more than anything in the world. And the feeling was mutual. Lilly just loved her Gigi. She wanted Gigi toast, she wanted to play dolls with Gigi, and she just loved leaning against her Gigi. And even though Lilly has never said so, I bet Lilly thought in her head about the day she would grow to be as tall as Gigi (just like we all at one time dreamed about doing)!!!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, we'll never forget Grandma. And even though Lilly might not have tons of memories of her, I know she'll always be a part of Lilly and Anderson's lives because we will see to it that they know of her.
It's hard to believe that this is our second Christmas without Grandma. It's never gotten easier, but knowing that she is exactly where she should be helps to alleviate some of the pain.

Merry Christmas to the world's best great grandmas! Without people like you the world just wouldn't be complete. I love you both tremendously and you'll forever live on in our hearts.

Tizzy Tuesday

Let me divulge into things my children threw fits about today.

5:15am- Lilly came running into my room crying because Anderson didn't stay in his bed. I can't say I blame her mini-meltdown...as I felt like crying just as badly when she came bursting into MY room at 5:15. Anderson should stay in his own damn bed..PAST 5:15am!

5:17am- Anderson was pissed because Lilly shut her bedroom door and told him to go back to bed. At this point, there was NO CHANCE of Anderson going back to bed, let alone back to sleep. (Again, my personal feelings sided with Lilly's)

5:30am- Lilly, annoyed with the ruckus in my room (from XM's The Highway), came storming in, demanding we turn down the music! Anderson and I torment her, making her cave in and join our early morning dance party!!

5:35am- Both kids fighting about who gets to potty. Anderson's little potty seat (which he tinkles in before bathtime every morning now!) is sitting near Lilly's "real potty" (the toilet!). The tantrums are completely unnecessary from the tots, as they each have their own potty. Fight is resolved as Lilly "toot toots" and both kids laugh hysterically!

5:30am- Anderson is mad that I lifted him into the bathtub. Although he CAN stradle the side of the tub and crawl in on his own, I was trying to protect his little baby man parts and reduce the risk of permanent damage to his parts.

5:32am- Lilly screams that Anderson isn't "scooted" back all the way and that his feet are touching her booty. Note to self: maybe individual baths are the way to go in the future.

5:40am- Lilly freaks out because I didn't warm up their towels in the dryer before drying them off. Note to self: Fold clothes in dryer the night before so I will never again make the mistake of giving my angel babies "cold" towels. How dare I.

6am- Kids are debating back and forth about who is the boy and who is the girl. No joke. And once Lilly convinces Anderson that SHE is the girl and HE is the boy, Anderson cries that he is a daddy. OH. MY. GOSH.

Breakfast time= food in little mouths= SILENCE. AAAAAH! (Meanwhile, Mommy has mini-meltdown in private!!!)

7:05am- Anderson plops his butt down in the doorway from the kitchen to the garage so that Lilly cannot get out to the garage and into the truck. She screams and pops him on the head. He screams and comes running to me!

And that was just the morning. Thank GOD I work for eight hours a day! I don't think my brain could take much more!!!

LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW, LET IT SNOW!!!

Okay so my weekend blogging skills are non-existent apparently. So, in an attempt to entertain my avid readers (thanks mom and dad!)I'll catch you up on my very pleasant weekend.

Saturday morning we woke up to snow. As a girl who typically loathes the white stuff, I surprised myself with the excitement I felt when peaking out through the blinds to see the flakes dropping in front of the street lamps. It was so pretty. A very foreign feeling overtook me. Was it cheer? Jolly? I don't know, but later that day it struck again as I blurted out to Lilly that she could get her snowsuit on and go outside to play in the snow! She looked at me, dumbfounded, as though her mom had been taken over by Mrs.Claus. "WHAT!? I can walk in the snow?!"

She went out with Aaron as he shoveled the driveway. She had SO much fun. She was so confused that she could sit in the snow and not get her booty wet! She looked like she was skating on ice, like she had never walked in the snow!

As I finally convinced her to come back inside, about thirty minutes later, I was brought back to my memories of playing in the snow as a small tot...peeing in my snowsuit because I didn't want to quit playing long enough to take a bathroom break (not to mention the instant warm-up it brought!), running inside and putting our mittens, hats, scarves, and red little hands on the radiators at mom's house, and then running upstairs to change into jammies in hopes of getting the chill off our tiny little bones! It's been such a blessing to be making new memories with my kids. I can't WAIT until this weekend when we get to mom's house and break out the "ancient" sleds that my siblings and I used to use...to be able to pass them on to Lilly and Anderson will just bring a little extra jolly to my already merry season!!!

..but if you'd just LISTEN...

Control freak: : "a derogatory term for a person who attempts to dictate how everything around them is done. It can also refer to someone with a limited number of things that they want done a specific way." Uh huh? And?

Here's the thing. I've been told I'm a "control freak" many times. Some see it as me trying to control the PERSON, but in reality, I'm only trying to intervene on stupidity. There is a right way and a wrong way to do things. It's not my fault that I USUALLY know the right way to do things. You could call it a curse. Honestly. I usually know the easiest, most efficient way to do something. And when I see him...errrr someone, doing it the long complicated way, it frustrates me..mostly because I'm going to have to hear about it later ("Ugh, you have NO idea how long that took me." "Ugh, you have NO idea what I went through to get there.")but also because it's annoying to see such absurdity. Just listen to me and it's be SOOO simple.

Let me give you just one example of this ignorance:
Keys. How does one lose keys? You know you had to use them to GET to work. And you're pretty much guaranteed to need them to get home from work. These keys would be on my top three list of important things to keep contact with. So I ask you, how does one LOSE keys that have been in one's pocket all evening? Could they perhaps have fallen out of that gaping hole in one's back pocket that said genius warned one about? Heavens no. Surely not.

Control freak I may be. But it's not for manipulation purposes, but rather for reasons of simplicity. If you'd JUST LISTEN you'd see that my way is much easier and much better. End of story.

Things I Am Not

1)I'm not evil. Or at least it's not my intention.

2)I'm not selfish, bitter, or jealous...of anyone.

3)I'm not ashamed of my job, my family, my house, or my "things"..because they are just that-- things.

4)I'm not your slave. So stop acting as though I am.

5)I'm not passive-aggressive. You will know when something you've said or done has upset me.

6)I'm not one to feel entitled to anything.

7)I'm not egotistical. I am grounded enough to see those around me.

8)I'm not superficial.

9)I'm not your doormat. Do not treat me as one.

10)I'm not weak. Your hatred and negativity will not bring me down.

I sit here and write all these things because today I let someone get the better part of my emotions-- something that doesn't happen that often. I let someone make me feel so degraded and lowly today. I let someone talk to me in a way that I never would typically let someone get away with. It was disgusting. I realized something though...the things this person said to make me feel as low as I did, actually helped me. At the end of the day, I still have my pride and my morals. I don't have that sense of entitlement that she does. I don't have to walk around with that enormous chip on my shoulder like she does. I can walk with a bounce to my step knowing that I am a GOOD person. I'm a DECENT person who treats people with respect and dignity. I am a nice, giving, prideful, independent, strong, respectable woman. And I can go to bed at night knowing that I haven't hurt anyone's feelings or caused anyone to question their role in this world. And that's a beautiful feeling.

"Lilly, it's for you.."

Ever since the kids started going to school, my most favorite thing has been watching them make friends! I LOVE seeing them interact with the other little tots in their classrooms. For Anderson, it's Brylee and Megan (what can I say? He's a ladies man!). In Lilly's class, there are a group of about three or four girls who are always together everytime I drop her off or pick her up. It's adorable. I've watched through the hallway window at the way she walks into the classroom only to be greeted by the group of girls! They all come running to her screaming "LILLY! LILLY!" (I'm seriously not exaggerating!)

Today I walked into Lilly's classroom. Lilly, Lois, Samantha, Kassidy, and Hailey were all sitting at the first table, coloring with markers. As soon as they see me they say "Lilly, your mom is here." Then Lilly and Samantha come running up to me and Lilly asks if Samantha can come over to her house. UMMMMM? "Well, Samantha would have to ask her mom if she can come over. She can't come home with us tonight." Both girls looked defeated, like I just broke the worst possible news to them! Lilly just kept saying "Mom, can she come over tonight? Can she come over tomorrow? If her mom says yes can she come over?" Then, cute little Kassidy says "Samantha, you can come to MY house." OOOOOOOOOOOOOOH NO SHE DI'ENT! LOL! Convinced that I was bound to get the worst-mom-of-the-year award (at least in Lilly's eyes!), I left a note for Samantha's mom to call me.

Tonight while I was on the phone with my friend Rachael, I got another call-- I didn't recognize the number, other than it was a local FTW number. So I answered it. It was Samantha's mom asking if Lilly could talk on the phone to Samantha! "LILLY, IT'S FOR YOU!" Lilly was sooo excited! She couldn't believe that she was getting a call from her friend! It was the most ADORABLE thing! They talked for about five minutes. It's funny how little girls just seem born with the ability to chat with their girlfriends about nothing!

As adorable as the whole thing was...it reminds me that my little girl is growing up. Sure she's only three years old, but she has friends...little adorable friends! It's SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO stinkin cute, but it's just the first sign that my little lady has friends other than her mama!!!

A Letter To The Enemy

Dear Illness,

Well, it looks as though you are planning to stick around in my body for awhile. And while I'd like to say your visit is welcomed, it is not. It's not enough that you've violated me, you've also managed to infest my poor children and my brother. We've had enough of your contamination. Leave us be.
My throat hurts worse than the aftermath of childbirth. My nose is clogged worse than my shower drain. And your existence is leaving my entire body aching. Go away.
What would your mother think, you harming a nice young lady and her family? Your interruption to my life is much like Kanye's interference in dear Taylor's acceptance speech. Annoying and unnecessary.
Have you no cooth? Why me? Why must you pollute my pure (eeehhh) body?

I have come up with a solution. You will pay me rent. For every day you stick around, you will deduct at least two pounds of my body fat. If you fail to do so, I will begin the vitamin c regiments immediately. There will be no grace period. I will start taking back control of my body. That's right, even if it means I have to work out, drink water, and take vitamins...I'll do it, Disease. You will no longer live off my healthy parts.

Please know that by resuming residency in my body you accept all responsibilities of the aforementioned agreement.


Angry, upset, and over it,
Gretchen

Mission Failed.

Well I already blew the daily blogging. I know what you're thinking, "failure." I have no excuse for my lack of posting for Friday other than I was just not in the mood to write. When I started reflecting on my day Friday, I thought about how I'd rather not relive it. After a "come-to-Jesus" meeting at work, fighting the crazy Fort Waynian drivers at the four o'clock hour, and then spilling an entire 44oz diet coke on my lap while out at dinner with the family, I decided an early bedtime was in order. Thus, no blog.

Saturday morning was spectacular around here. My kids actually slept until 6am, giving me thirty minutes to myself, in which I showered without any toddlers watching, made my bed (first time in over a week), and straightened the chaos on my bedroom floor (by throwing every item of clothing, even if clean, into the laundry basket). Soon after my thirty minute me-time, the kids woke up excited to get their stuff packed up for a day with Grandpa! I barely had a voice Saturday morning so when the kids decided to turn on each other (Anderson winning, as always), I didn't even try to talk over them to break it up. I found that staying out of their battles actually ended up helping them come to a resolution sooner. Odd. Then I had the kids go through the spare bedroom closet where I had been "storing" their old toys, to pick out things they wanted to donate to Santa's Workshop in Wabash.(Lilly seemed to grasp the concept. Anderson just liked throwing toys into boxes!) Then we headed to Wabash so I could drop the kids off to my dad while I went to Kokomo with my aunts to shop for our adopted family!

The shopping was chaos, as is to be expected two weeks before Christmas. Our family put in $325 to go towards our adopted family. We planned to get each child two outfits and two toys. We also wanted to be sure to get the mom something too. Six hours later (seriously) we had accomplished our goal!!! We had SO much fun shopping for the family. It was a good feeling to know that we were getting the family things that they might not have otherwise had.

WHOOPS!!

Mom-of-the-Year-Award alert! I lost my kid this morning. Well I mean, I KNEW he was in the house somewhere (or at least I was pretty sure), but I couldn't find the little stinker. He was in Lilly's room "cooking" and then all of a sudden he was gone! I kept hearing his little laugh, the ornery laugh that let's me know he's up to something sneaky. I followed his devious clatter and ended up in my bathroom...and there he was...on the second shelf of my linen closet! He was the most content critter, laying on those towels like a cat perched on a windowsill! He's quite the cheese! I cannot believe he'll be two at the end of the month. He's really starting to come into his own little baby skin, hehe! He's HILARIOUS!

Hodgepodge

1) Fort Wayne apparently has the most satisfied renters, according to a website apartmentratings.com. Oddly enough when breaking the story, WANE.COM posted pictures of my old apartment complex, Preston Pointe..you know, the one I blogged about last year complaining about a nearby meth lab. Lovely. Just goes to show how desparate Fort Wayners are. As I drove home today...and by drove I mean blew, I thought about how breezy my old apartment was. It was so bad we had to hang old comforters over the doorways and windows to keep the wind from blowing the blinds around! It was horrible. It makes me grateful to have been able to move into my house, keep my house even this summer when Aaron was gone, and give my kids more space (and warmth) than where we had been living!

2) I'm so tired of hearing people complain about the weather. Students call on an hourly basis, trying to find out if we're going to close campus early. It's WIND people! Sadly, it's only December 9th. What are these folks going to do when winter REALLY sets in? Oy!

3) This fireplace in my living room is really drying out my throat. No more fires :(

4) Tonight is the season finale of Glee. Can you say "SECTIONALS!!!"

5) Why are people NOT working? I mean, I KNOW the economy is HORRIBLE, but it's Christmas season--- EVERY retail store is hiring. GO WORK! UGH! I'm just so tired of hearing about how people don't want to go work because they don't want to lose their unemployment. I guess I just don't understand.

6) Been trying to think of a Christmas (or Christmas eve) tradition to start with the kids. I'll buy new Christmas jammies for them to open on Christmas eve, but other than that....any ideas?

Tuesday Tuesday

I have no temper tantrums to throw.
No ghastly weather to write of.
I'm without complaints of my sassy daughter.
And have ignored my husband's horrible chewing mannerisms.

I have had a very boring Tuesday. Thankfully.

I encourage you to watch the Carrie Underwood Holiday Special on FOX (I'm sure you can find it online, if you missed it yesterday). Quite entertaining, and a very moving song at the end. I've attached the same song, performed at the CNN Heroes awards show.


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First Snow

Today was the first snowfall we've had this year. Yes, it was a disaster. There were a number of accidents before I even left for work at 7am, including a ten car pile-up on 69, a car versus school bus collision two miles from my house, and countless other slide-offs. Needless to say, I was petrified before I even left my houes this morning!
Convinced that I could make the drive to the north side of town if I just gave myself a few extra minutes, I left the house twenty five minutes earlier than usual...equipped with two blankets, a flashlight, a bottle of water (it's all I had!), and extra mittens and hats for the kids...you know, just in case we got into an accident. Laugh all you want, but I was preparing for the worst. I was still scared to death before I pulled out of the driveway. I told Lilly that we needed to say a little prayer. The kids both folded their little hands and prayed with me that God would keep us safe on the way to school and give Mommy the strength and courage to make the drive. It was precious. My right leg was shaking as I pulled out of my addition and made my way onto 24. And to answer your question...yes I was that person driving 25 mph on 24 and 69! DO NOT HONK at me or look at me with such disgust. I was trying to get my babies to school safely!

Just remember people, take your time. Your job will wait. Your children CAN go to school late. And that coffee will still be there waiting for you at Starbuck's...SO SLOW YOUR ASS DOWN AND DRIVE RESPONSIBLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (And STOP honking at me!)

Advent Conspiracy

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My church is doing a series called the "advent conspiracy" in which they challenge us to think about our own spending this holiday season. What if we really did what this video suggests? We have been so concerned about spending the "right" amount on each person, that we forget to think about what's really important. Does your sister REALLY need that new iPod Nano? Does your husband REALLY need that 52" plasma TV? Do YOU really need to spend hundreds, if not thousands, on your children? What are we teaching our kids?
I'm really proud of my family this year. We've always done a gift exchange on my dad's side of the family, but this year after deciding that we don't really "need" anything, we've instead decided to adopt a local family who is struggling to afford a Christmas. The single mom has been out of work for over a year and has three little girls. The mom had to make the decision to pay for the electric bill rather than buying her little girls Christmas presents. I'm not sure the background information on the mom's situation. It seems hard to imagine not being able to find a job two years later, but...that's her situation and regardless of her story, she still has three little ladies who deserve to have a Christmas.
I picked up on a really neat message at church today because it has become highly applicable to a situation I'm going through at home. The message says "your plenty will supply their need...so that in turn, their plenty will supply what you need." Basically, I have enough. My kids have everything they NEED. Sure there might be things we WANT, but we have what we NEED. There are people in our community who can't say the same thing, and that's unfortunate. We've become used to our "American Entitlement" that suggests 'I work hard for my money therefore it belongs to ME ME ME.' It's terrible. What if we gave some of our "plenty" to those who truly have the need for it? When they thank God for the gifts we gave them, it will hopefully fill our hearts with what we needed. Our need isn't physical. It's not "things." Unfortunately for many of us, our "need" is more GOD in our life and in our heart. Maybe by helping someone else, it will fulfill our need.
I hope that this video makes you think a little about what would happen if we stopped spending so much on ourselves, and instead spent a little on those in need.

"When I Get That Old"

Today is my big brother's 30th birthday. WOOOOOOOT WOOOOOOT! I've been reflecting today on some of the good times I've had with my brother through the years, but there are two stories that I just can't seem to shake. My brother and I used to despise each other! After reading these, maybe you can see why!!!!!

-When I was about ten years old (maybe?) my brother insisted that I was adopted. I remember it like it was yesterday. We were standing on the hill in front of my mom's house. I'm sure we had been arguing about something to make him initiate this brutal conversation, but he looked at me and said "you know you're adopted anyway, right?" WHAT?! NO WAY. NO I'M NOT! "Yeah. Your mom's real name is Louise Hill. How do you think you got your middle name? Mom and Dad always just told you that you were named after our great aunt Louise, but that's not true." CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM?

-My family used to take vacations to Wyoming. On one of our few trips to Yellowstone, my parents apparently took a picture of a buffalo. I vaguely remember our trips, but this picture stuck around in my mom's picture drawer for many years. On the back of the picture, my brother had written "Gretchen 1989" CAN YOU BELIEVE HIM??

LOL! All mean-spirited stories aside, my brother is my best friend. He met Gary around the same time that I met Aaron. We became very close around the time that I got pregnant with Lilly. Now we talk almost EVERYDAY, usually more than once! He's incredible and I'm SO lucky to be such good friends with my brother!

Adam, I hope you enjoy your 30th! I wish I could be there tonight to help celebrate! I love you and I hope the next thirty years are nothing but pure bliss and excitement for you! You deserve it! I LOVE YOU!

You tell the truth

We've all told lies. It's inevitable. Some justify lying by saying they do it to protect the ones they love. Others are just habitual liars who truly believe their own lies. And then there are those pretentious fibbers who lie to make themselves look better. It's THOSE people who's lives stink sooo much that they have to fabricate stories to hold people's interest. We've all heard the stories from a guy who wrestled an alligator to save a family of four from being eaten. Or the story of the girl who has the most incredible husband who rubs her back every night without expecting "more".....rrrrrrrright! As if HE exists! HA!



I'm not exempt from the tall tales-telling. I've done my share of double-dealing. BUT, in my older years (I'm almost 28, after all!) I'm finding that my real story is good enough. There really is NO need to formulate my own version of reality. My life isn't roses. My kids aren't perfect. My job isn't without flaws. My boyfriend doesn't really think the sun shines from my ass (although he IS mistaken!). My life just isn't perfect. And I really have no need to make it appear as though I have it all together. I don't. And anyone who claims to have all the answers is the biggest frickin' liar of 'em all!

Santa Who?

My kids don't seem to have the first clue who Santa is. Lilly is convinced that Santa couldn't possibly come down the chimney and out of the fireplace because "daddy said you can't open the fireplace!" Of course they recognize him, but they have no idea what he represents, or what Santa can do for them! This poses a problem for Aaron and me because we can't threaten that Santa is watching the temper tantrum that Anderson is throwing, or watching Lilly pinching her little brother's tiny arm. I heard my cousin mention that she tells her little girl that Santa knows if she's good or bad, which helps prompt her little lady to behave! I tried it with Lilly tonight. It went something like this:

me: Lilly, Santa doesn't like it when you tell mommy no.
Lilly: Yes he does.

me: Santa watches you and Bubbs to make sure you're using manners and being polite.

Lilly: I use manners. I said no pleeeeease.

me: That's not what I mean Lilly.

Lilly: Not what I mean Lilly pleeeeeease.

me: RUDE!

Lilly: Rude pleeeeeeeeeeeeease.

me: LILLY!!!!

Lilly: Lilly pleeeeeeeeeeeeease. (followed by hysterical laughing, by both of us!)

I am defeated!

A friend from work invited the kids to go see Santa this weekend at her church. I'm worried that the kids will flip out at the sight of a shapely man in a red suit! We'll see how it goes. Wish us luck!

Keep Your Own Shit and Eat Worms

We've all heard the saying "the grass ain't always greener on the other side." After talking to my dear friend today, I got some closure on things that have been stirring up my emotions and confusing the crud out of my mind.

Me: I just feel like there's something MORE out there.

Megan: Everyone thinks the grass is greener on the other side.

Me: Exactly.

Megan: But then you get there and find that the grass is just as brown..with poop in it...and worms!
Me: So what you're saying is I should stick with my own shit and worms?

Megan: Yep, that's what I'm saying!

After polling many of my close, married friends, I'm finding that I'm not alone in the "is this IT" feeling I've been having lately. I've polled newlyweds, engaged couples, and a couple who have been married for well over ten years...and they all say the same things...there are days we all feel like there has to be something more. There are days where the monotony overwhelms us and we want to break free, but...we try to look at the big picture and realize that there's NO ONE who could replace the loves of our lives!!!

I found out yesterday that I am interviewing with the head of financial aid at Ross. This would be a "promotion" for me and the possibility of personal growth in the company, which is what interested me so much at Ross to begin with. I LOVE the job that I do now. I LOVE that I interact with the students as much as I do. I LOVE seeing the students every morning and telling them goodbye at the end of everyday. I LOVE answering the phone with my postive enthusiasm everyday. I LOVE that I'm the "go-to" person. I love that I'm the person people look to for answers. I LOVE my job. I'm a little worried that I might be looking to the other side of the fence for "greener grass." The financial aid job requires that I work at least one night until 8. It will be MUCH more work than what I take on now. I just fear that I'm looking at the other side of the fence thinking that I need something more. The money will be nice....but will I truly be happy? Should I just stick with my own shit and eat worms?

TEMPER TANTRUM TUESDAY

Some things that really yanked my chain today (what does that even MEAN?!):

1) The shower head pointing to the opposite end of the shower when I got in. Why is this necessary? You are not that tall. There is no need to point it UP. Ugh.

2) Walking in to work only to find a stack of things on my desk that clearly have been misplaced, as my desk is not "home" to these items. Ugh.

3) Laundry being folded incorrectly. REALLY? Why do my jeans need to be folded as origami art? And why are all the pants not folded and stacked together, followed by tees, tanks, and then socks and panties? I'm forced to restack the clothes for fear that I'll walk out of the house with a pair of panties stuck up the leg of my pants. It's unecessary.

4) Why can I hear you chewing? And swallowing?

5) Naps at 7pm. Why?

6) My daughter crying for nachos and telling me I'm "not her friend" because I served pasta.

7) "Boiler up" (insert eye roll)

8) Payday being less than 24 hours ago...and my ENTIRE check being gone. Thirty days until the next payday. Oy.

9) This nagging feeling that there's something more...something I'm missing. Will it go away or must I first find it? Ah, the pressure.

10) The neighborhood shrine. You drive into my addition, mistaking it for an airport runway, and come upon the only dark house in the neighborhood. That's mine!

Manic Monday

What is it about Monday? Why, other than the obvious requirement of going BACK to work, do we all hate Mondays? Have you found a person who loves Mondays? I haven't. After reflecting upon my Monday, I think I have an idea as to why this specific day stinks so much.

3:17am: Wake up to my precious Anderson knocking on his (open) door. HMMM? Put precious baby back to bed.

4:53am: "DING DING" Text from Aaron: "I love you babe!"....would be sweet, if only two hours later!

5:20am: Wake up to Anderson knocking on Lilly's (open) door, saying "hissy?" Put Anderson back to bed, after showing him that it is still dark outside. "Still night time hunny!"

5:30am: ALARM. ALARM. ALARM. ALARM. Time to get up. GRRRR!

5:34am: Anderson comes into my bathroom. We brush our teeth together. I go downstairs to get him breakfast (which he will eat on a towel, in my bedroom, while I shower!).

6am: Send Anderson into wake Lilly (hissy) up.

6:10am: Get two babies into tub, washed, and dressed. Feed Lilly (on aforementioned towel, on bedroom floor).

7am: Time to go downstairs. Pack my lunch. Get coats on the kids.

7:15am: Out the door, head to daycare/school, and then work.

And this is just a typical Monday MORNING. I won't even go into the work day, for the sake of keeping my job! LOL!

The trick is to figure out a way to make Mondays more tolerable and less manic. Do those two days of the weekend REALLY throw our routine out of whack THAT much? Here's to tomorrow! Thank God for TUESDAYS (?!)!!!!!!

Catching up...

It's been quite some time since the last post, so after reading my brothers' blogs about their daily-blog-vow, I've decided to play catch up!

Last time I blogged, I had just found out I got hired at Ross Medical Education. I believe the word I used was "bittersweet" when describing my feelings about starting a new job. Well, I can honestly say that I LOVE my job. I know I'm a rare breed for saying that and actually meaning it, but I do. I love my job! I have great co-workers, I enjoy the work I do, and I see the potential for personal growth within the company, which is encouraging! I have moments where I miss being at home with the kids. I almost ALWAYS wish I could be hanging out in my jammies rather than work clothes. And I am hating the eighteen pounds I've put on due to my daily morning stops at McDonalds (kidding!). But all in all, I LOVE that I'm back in the workforce!

The kids are enrolled at a fulltime preschool, which they both seem to love. Of course they have had their minor "incidents" at school--- for Lilly it was being defiant at naptime, just completely refusing to sleep; for Anderson it has been the occasional "nibble" on a friend's finger during a daily buggie ride, or the week where he insisted on rolling off his cot at naptime rather than take a nap....with those MINOR, hardly mention-worthy events, all seems to be going smoothly. Anderson is learning his ABC's, can count in German to 88 (okay, only partially true...he can now SAY the word "German" and has almost mastered the word "eight"). The kids have been lucky enough to meet some great new friends, and it's so adorable to see them interact with other kids!

Aaron moved back to Indiana this past Thursday. He has over 140 days of sobriety under him. I'm SO proud of him! He is still looking for work in Fort Wayne, and we're hopeful that he'll find something soon.


The past five and a half months have been a complete whirlwind. I've had days where I've hated Aaron, and days where I was begging him to come home! I've had days where I thought I'd lose my mind because of my kids, and days where I would have been lost without them. I've been attending Sonrise United Methodist Church with the kids since June. We love it and I've met some really neat people!
I'm not saying things have been easy in the past five months, but I survived. I've done things that I didn't necessarily WANT to do, but I've proven to myself that I CAN handle things ON MY OWN! Now that Aaron is home, I don't plan to change ANYTHING that the kids and I have been doing. I will not fall back into the trap of being dependent on someone! I'm happy with the growth I've made and I plan to continue growing!

Bittersweet

Well, I found out this morning that I got the job at Ross Education. Out of four hundred applicants, they chose ME! I'm honored! I'm excited to get back into the work force.

At the same time though...I'm very apprehensive about leaving my kids. They have never been to a babysitter. They've never had anyone else stay home with them throughout the day other than their mama! Of course I'm incredibly partial, but my kids are precious and the thought of someone enjoying them less than what I would just makes me sad. Of course there's a side of me that knows that this will be good for the kids. They need to be around other people, but I'm not sure I'm ready to completely immerse them into a full day daycare with snotty nosed kids just quite yet. I'm hoping to find someone in high school or college who will be able to come to MY house to watch them. I want them to have someone's full attention, someone who will enjoy being around them, someone who will play with them and be silly with them. I want the kids to have fun while I'm gone and feel like they have someone who can adore them just as much as I could. It's hard because I just don't know many "young" kids around here.

Anyhow, as much as I DON'T want to work full time and be away from the kids right now, I KNOW it's the only option we have. I know that I've been lucky enough to stay home with them for the past three years, but that life is over and it's time for things to change. It's going to be a transition that will definitely take time to get use to, but I know in the long run it'll be best for all three of us.

Many of my close friends from high school will remember a dear friend of mine from ten years ago. I met Chris at Catholic Heart Work Camp, in New Orleans, the summer before my senior year of high school. I'm not sure the exact details of how we started talking, but it was silly high school flirting. I'm sure it went something along the lines of my friends going to talk to him and his friends and then relaying messages back and forth through our friends. During the short church trip, he and I and became good friend with intentions of staying in touch even when he went back home to Carlinville, IL and I was back in Wabash. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses, thinking we were going to forever be friends!
My youth group and I got back to Wabash on July 3rd, or sometime around there. Chris and I talked a couple times. Finally on July 5th I got a call from his friend, telling me that Chris had been in a terrible diving accident and was in the hospital with little chance of ever walking again. I called my dad begging him to drive me to Carlinville, IL to see Chris! Thinking that I was probably nuts, Jere' offered to take me. We made the LONG trip to the Illinois hospital where Chris was staying. I met his family and many members from his church. I don't remember much of our visit, other than being completely depressed when I had to leave his bedside.
I recieved many different cards from members of Chris's family and also a card from his pastor telling me how delighted he was that I could visit Chris. I still have those cards. Then one day I got a letter from Chris. As part of his rehab he had to practice writing, so he wrote to me. Again, I still have that letter.
Weeks (maybe months) passed. Chris was walking, and from what I can recall, was recovering well. He came to Wabash the summer after my senior year to meet my friends (who also helped me make a home video for Chris, showing him around Wabash, etc!..so cheesy!) and we had a great time seeing each other again. Of course we promised to stay in touch, but haven't been able to REALLY talk much since we're both at such different places in our lives, but we have recently reconnected through Facebook.
Today I got a text from Chris telling me that he appreciates me being a part of his life during that tough time (I'm sure it was a text sent to many other people as well), and for the love and support I gave him. To think that ten years ago, God was working through me to help someone else is incredible. I think of all the miracles in life that I have been witness to, and I can't help but be very touched and feel extremely blessed.

POP! BOOM! BANG! POP! BOOOOM! SNAP! SQUEEEEEAK!

Happy 4th! After a boomlicious week, filled with super loud firecrackers, insanely annoying pops, and midnight waking-fits performed by both of my little tots, I've been wondering...what's the fascination one has these idiotic explosives we call entertainment? Why do we get enjoyment out of seeing burning ash float down to the ground? What's the entertainment value from hearing constant booms without the aforementioned flash? My kids are still young enough where the firework spectacle is nothing more than an interruption to their soundly-sleeping innocence. To me, it's just a hassle to hear the madness, knowing that the next "POP" will surely be the one that wakes the kids to a frazzled state! Perhaps in two years I'll look forward to letting off fireworks, lighting sparklers, and watching my kids throw "snappers" at each other's feet (just as my brother always did to me!). Until then however, I'm choosing to sit in bed (wide awake, of course...how could one sleep through the war-like noises outside my bedroom windows?!) and watch the Botson Pops Fireworks Spectacular on CBS!!!! LOL!

Reference Checks

I finally got word that Ross Edu was checking my references. Relieved that they were actually calling to find out what wonderful words my chosen references would reveal about me, I got to thinking...I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who would go to bat for me in just about every aspect of my being. The people I chose to use as lifelines were not only previous supervisors (Rachael and Dick), but also two friends (Heather and Frank) whom I knew would represent me well. After all my references had been called, each person called me to relay their kind words about me. I hung up from each and every phone conversation (or voicemail, Heather!) knowing that I have built incredible friendships with people who are not necessarily in my age group (Dick and Frank), with people who's views differ from mine on many levels (Heather!), and people who I've had rough patches with in the past (Rach!)...with all that said I'm confident that I have made an impact on each person's life to the point where they'd take time from their busy evening to help promote me as a worthwhile individual and as an asset to a company.
Sometimes our own self-destructive thoughts get in the way of what our potential really is. We get caught up in creating our own definition of ourselves, failing to take the time to notice how others see us, that we limit ourselves and stunt our personal growth. So today, I vow (and hope you will too) to get out of my own way. By focusing on the good in myself, I can start to lose the self-deprecating attitude and beliefs and start seeing myself as others see me.

I read today, "Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."

Congratulations, but ugh....

As much as I'd love to JUST be happy for my close friends who are making all these life changes, I can't help but be a little envious of them. My dear friends Shannon and Megan just recently got engaged (not to each other, but to Jason and Stephen, respectively). And while I couldn't be MORE excited for either of them, I just can't shake the feeling that while all my friends are progressing in their life, I'm regressing back to the days four years ago when I was still wondering where my place was in this giant universe. Two children, an engagement, and STILL no marriage later, I feel like I'm the only one who is standing still. With the recent changes in my life, (see previous post), I know that everything happens for a reason and I KNOW that this is all in the plan for my life...it's just kinda hard to see it when everyone else around me seems to be moving forward...namely in their relationship. Although I can accept that my life isn't a Hollywood romantic-comedy, I'm having a hard time accepting it as a monotonous screenplay.

pre mid-life crisis?

27 is not old. At least I hope it's not old enough to be considered age-appropriate for the midlife crisis which I think I'm experiencing. Recently I've been polling my good friends and family to see what they think about me going back to being a brunette (not the midlife crisis, wait for it!). You see, I feel as though I'm stuck between feeling like I'm 23 and being a 27-year-old mom with two kids. While I can still (sorta!) fit into the "juniors" clothing and FEEL like that's where I should be shopping, I know in reality that the tshirts and zip up hoodies I wear daily aren't necessarily age appropriate. As a stay-at-home-Mama I don't always have reason (or motivation) to get dressed for anything more than playing outside or cleaning the house. But when a quick impromptu trip to the grocery arises, I'm stuck wearing an IU tshirt, looking young enough to be my kids' babysitter. This whole age crisis/epiphany happened after being carded for the 2nd time for LOTTERY TICKETS. Thinking that maybe they had changed the age from 18 to 21 I asked the clerk what age you had to be to get tickets and found that they in fact had not changed the age...she really though I looked questionably young. Wow. Now, I know I look old enough to buy lottery tickets, and get secretly excited when I don't get carded for buying alchol (which rarely happens), but I think about what people must think when I take the kids to the park or when we visit Lilly's preschool. The last thing I want is for people to judge me for "looking" young when I am, in reality, 27 (soooo not young! Hahaha! Kidding!). It's not just about what other people think, obviously...I know people have "issues" about turning 30, but what about 27? Has anyone else ever had this problem? It seemed when I was 26 I could still justify the way I dressed and looked (!), but at 27 I feel like I'm ready to take the Mom-leap. I'm not saying I'm ready to bust out the holiday sweaters or denim jumpers, but I AM saying that I am trying to find where I fit in the clothing debacle and wonder if the attire I have and wear now is age-appropriate.
I had another slight epiphany when two good friends of mine came to Fort Wayne for a visit. After not seeing them for almost three years, I was excited to spend some time with them. About thirty minutes into dinner they requested that we all go back to my house with a case of beer and "party" at my house. As I sat stunned at the use of the word "party" and scrambling to think of an excuse to NOT have everyone at my abode, it really sank in that "partying" at my house was out of the question and I was perfectly happy with that. Not only would Aaron have NEVER gone for company at our house at 10 o'clock at night, but I had NO desire to bring the party back to my house where my precious babies were fast asleep. I guess it just made me realize that while some parents are okay with partying with friends while their kids are asleep upstairs, Aaron and I just aren't those parents. Aaron and I are the type of parents that get jammies on the second both kids are asleep, get out the ice cream and cookies, and divulge into a sugar high while watching the latest episode of Survivor together. And I love that about us!

Hearts Hurt Sometimes

Although this post is induced by ratings-seeking-ABC's "The Bachelor" I can't help but be slightly obsessed with the outcome of the show and apply it to my life and the life of my close friends. After Bachelor Jason was dumped last year by Deanna (the Bachelorette) he came back to try his luck again at finding his perfect mate (this time as the Bachelor). And while he THOUGHT he met that perfect person, he later reneged on his decision, thinking instead that he wanted the girl he originally sent home. (Whew!) At first glance we think this guy is a basket case and has unreasonable expectations...until you really look at his eyes and see that he is genuinely hurt and confused. Jason, a single dad of a three year old son, has loved and lost many times. To see it from his side is something that many people may not normally do.
Sure, I haven't been on The Bachelor and I haven't made my relationship a must-see television show (although sometimes I think I have the drama that it would take to make one!) I HAVE been the parent who is sitting there thinking, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" I'm sure that everyone has those days when they wake up next to their partner and thinks, "Really? This is it? Forever?" (And if you're one of those people who doesn't think that, I don't want to hear it!) BUT...where do we draw that line of what's just satisfying and what's what we TRULY want? When does a married man decide that he's had enough and go towards a life that couldn't be farther from the life he promised himself and his wife? When does a mother decide that what SHE truly wants isn't what she promised for her children?
All I'm saying is that we all go through confusing times. We're all Jason Mesnicks.

Transferring

I'm not a clean freak. I don't even insist on keeping a nearly spotless home. I do, however have designated spots for nearly every item in my house. Items are to end up in that designated spot by the end of each day. Simple. Or so you'd think. It's not that I don't make my expectations well-known. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't leave people wondering what I want!!! My kids understand my expectations. Lilly knows that the cooking toys go into the plastic tote next to her kitchen, the cars go into a blue KRAFT bag, and the puzzle pieces go into her red Build-a-Bear bag. Both bags fit nicely into the toy box. Easy, right? So explain to me why my 25 year old fiance is clueless when it comes to these simple tidying-tasks. Aaron's idea of cleaning is what I like to refer to as "transferring." I've had a toolbox-load of tools on my dresser for over two weeks (just a reminder of the closet doors in my laundry room that have yet to be properly hung). When I asked Aaron to finish hanging the doors and to PLEASE put away those hideous tools that were junking' up my bedroom, he quickly followed orders (God, I hope he never sees that I wrote that.."followed orders!"). I came upstairs later to find my dresser looking clean and screwdriver-free! Woot woot!.......And then I walked downstairs....only to find a hammer peaking out from the top of my REFRIGERATOR! What?! Why are there tools on top of my fridge?! Our garage is literally 20 feet from our refrigerator! No joke!!! I've tried convincing Aaron that relocating a mess is NOT cleaning...but three years later it hasn't sunk in so I'm pretty sure it never will.....! Ugh!

Just a quick reflection

I remember telling my mom that we'd never be "okay" with the absence of grandma, but that eventually we'd get "better" with it. With time, it'd become easier to go through the day without crying, without obsessively holding on to the last memory of her. I said that, yet I wasn't sure if it was true.
At the time, I couldn't see how it'd ever become easier to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house without envisioning the hospital bed in the middle of the living room where she laid helplessly for her final weeks. I couldn't see the end to sensing her eyes looking tiredly at us, to feeling the tight grasp she had on my hand during her final week- when I knew it took so much strength for her to squeeze it. I wasn't sure how I'd ever be able to stop secretly driving to Wabash to "visit" grandma's final resting place. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put my daughter to bed without reminding her how much GiGi loves her. But now I realize that those are the memories we'll have forever. Those aren't things that will ever go away-- nor do we want them to. Those are the memories that will live on forever so as to NEVER forget the incredible impact Grandma had on us all.

It's been five months since Grandma passed away. Slowly things have become somewhat normal again. It's good to see Grandpa smile. It's nice to see him enjoy things he missed doing when Grandma was sick. It's refreshing to sit with Mom and talk about Grandma. It's breathtaking to hear Lilly say "Gigi's in heaven mama!"

I can't help but think often that Grandma is looking down on me, trying to make me a stronger woman than I sometimes prove to be. I can't help but wonder if she's the one helping me through the tough times and walking beside me during the good times. I think of her often. I think of her when Lilly plays with the babydolls Gigi gave her. I think of her when I see anything purple because that's my last memory of her healthy-- wearing a purple outfit. I think of her when I see Grandpa's smiling face, knowing that he's doing exactly what she would want him to be doing. I think of Grandma mostly though, when looking at my mom. Mom and I joke that now we know why Grandma used to get so annoyed with Grandpa (especially his driving and his eating habits!)! I see Grandma in mom when I see her with Lilly. I know how much Lilly meant to grandma and it brightens my heart to know my little lady had that much effect on the short time Grandma and Lilly had together.