Just a quick reflection

I remember telling my mom that we'd never be "okay" with the absence of grandma, but that eventually we'd get "better" with it. With time, it'd become easier to go through the day without crying, without obsessively holding on to the last memory of her. I said that, yet I wasn't sure if it was true.
At the time, I couldn't see how it'd ever become easier to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house without envisioning the hospital bed in the middle of the living room where she laid helplessly for her final weeks. I couldn't see the end to sensing her eyes looking tiredly at us, to feeling the tight grasp she had on my hand during her final week- when I knew it took so much strength for her to squeeze it. I wasn't sure how I'd ever be able to stop secretly driving to Wabash to "visit" grandma's final resting place. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put my daughter to bed without reminding her how much GiGi loves her. But now I realize that those are the memories we'll have forever. Those aren't things that will ever go away-- nor do we want them to. Those are the memories that will live on forever so as to NEVER forget the incredible impact Grandma had on us all.

It's been five months since Grandma passed away. Slowly things have become somewhat normal again. It's good to see Grandpa smile. It's nice to see him enjoy things he missed doing when Grandma was sick. It's refreshing to sit with Mom and talk about Grandma. It's breathtaking to hear Lilly say "Gigi's in heaven mama!"

I can't help but think often that Grandma is looking down on me, trying to make me a stronger woman than I sometimes prove to be. I can't help but wonder if she's the one helping me through the tough times and walking beside me during the good times. I think of her often. I think of her when Lilly plays with the babydolls Gigi gave her. I think of her when I see anything purple because that's my last memory of her healthy-- wearing a purple outfit. I think of her when I see Grandpa's smiling face, knowing that he's doing exactly what she would want him to be doing. I think of Grandma mostly though, when looking at my mom. Mom and I joke that now we know why Grandma used to get so annoyed with Grandpa (especially his driving and his eating habits!)! I see Grandma in mom when I see her with Lilly. I know how much Lilly meant to grandma and it brightens my heart to know my little lady had that much effect on the short time Grandma and Lilly had together.