Insecurities of Parenthood

When Aaron and I split up, I always told myself that I was swearing off relationships. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to TRY a relationship again, but rather I told myself that no one would ever be good enough for my kids-- that no one could ever love my kids enough to be "worthy" of my love. Sure it was probably arrogant thinking, but I just knew that being alone with my kids would be better than being with someone who couldn't love them like Aaron or I could. Then the fear became what if, on the off chance I did meet someone who I felt was good enough for my kids, my kids didn't like him? Or what if, by some cosmic chance, the stars aligned and I found "the one" and he loved my kids and they equally adored him?

My fear is, what if someday my "one" realizes that he got in over his head? What if he thinks my kids are insane? I worry that the normal day-to-day tantrums will be too much. Does he think my kids are misbehaved? Does he think these "normal" five year old 'tudes are horrible? Does he think I'm a bad parent? Will his family think my kids are terrible when they meet them?

I've always given myself a fair amount of credit for being a single mom. I like to think we've got it pretty much together at home. I like to think that my discipline is working (or at least a work in progress), and that my kids respect me. I like to think that my kids know how to treat other people, and that they use their manners even when I'm not around. Sure, we're a normal family. We have meltdowns (all three of us!). We make bad decisions. We say things we don't mean. We're human. But what if, to an outsider, that's too much?

The worst feeling in the world is to feel like you've failed as a parent...to think that someone sees your parenting as flawed. It's a horrible feeling to think that someone sees your children as something less than what you know they're capable of. It's a terrible feeling to think that someone you love doesn't love your children as much as you do. Loving someone, other than the father of my children, is scary. Is it even possible for someone, who didn't ask for these children, to love them like a biological parent does? I guess this is just one, of many, insecurities of single parenthood.