- I'm mad that I let someone in. I am, by nature, bitter about relationships. Happy couples make my stomach hurt. They gross me out. But then I met JM and all that changed. We were disgustingly cute together. We were mushy, lovey, and just make-you-puke happy together. I'm mad that I became "that" girl. I let my wall down and I got crushed. Lesson learned.
- I'm mad that I let someone around my kids. JM was the first person (other than their dad, obviously), who I let spend any amount of quality time with my babies. I have protected my kids from as much as I possibly can-- even when it came to their own father. I swore to myself, to my family, and to their dad that I would never have guys "in and out" of their lives. I swore to myself that, unless I felt my relationship was solid, I'd never let someone around them. I'd never bring someone into their life that had the potential to leave them. I'm mad that I failed my kids.
- I'm mad that I find love letters from JM all over my house, my office, my car...I'm mad that they still make my heart skip a beat every time I read them.
- I'm mad that I don't have the strength that I once had when it comes to relationships...or moving on from them.
- I'm mad that I cried myself to sleep for the past three nights.
- I'm mad that I have slept less than 12 hours in the past three nights.
- I'm mad that JM wasn't willing to put anything into making things work. I'm angry that I find people who seem to easily walk away from me and the kids (their dad, and now JM).
- I'm mad that I'm so insecure. I need to get over it.
- I'm mad that JM doesn't even care that the kids asked about when he'd be "home" next. I'm mad that I don't have an answer for them.
- I'm mad that I'm so mad.
- I'm mad that EVERYTHING reminds me of him and that I am on the verge of tears for at least ten hours a day.
- I'm mad that my closet is half empty.
- I'm mad that I didn't keep just one of his t-shirts to sleep with. (I'm mad that I just admitted I act like a thirteen year old girl!)
- I'm mad that I'm so mean. I'm mad that I have a big mouth that gets me in trouble. I'm mad that I don't have a filter. I'm mad that I say things that "insecure Gretchen" feels, but that "reality Gretchen" knows to be untrue. I'm mad that I focus on the first way too often.
- I'm mad that I used the word "perfect" to describe JM, our relationship, and our love SO often. I feel like I was duped.
- I'm mad that I'm tired.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
And then came the anger
There are seven steps to grief, or so they say. I think I'm in the anger stage. I'm not just mad at JM. I'm mad at myself. Probably more so at myself, in fact.
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5 comments:
I'm sorry that you are going through all of this Gretchen. I know it doesn't seem like it, but things will get better! You've got a wonderful support system, 2 adorable children, and God that loves you more than anything! Keep your head up and do your best to keep smiling!
your anger towards him not making it work is most justified. relationships are not perfect 100% of the time. relationships change and evolve. relationships take work....A LOT of work.
(have i mentioned that we'll be on our cruise in 9 days?!)
love you sis.
you should be proud of yourself for taking a chance on happiness. you deserve that and you will find it again, even if it's hard to imagine right now. hang in there!
I hate to see my kids hurt. Even more so I hate to see my grandchildren hurt. I agree with Adam, it takes work. This is something that I have learned late in life, so I am grateful that Adam has learned this. It is easy to turn and run, it takes TWO people to make it work. I am thankful that you didnt stay in a relationship for 7 years that you knew was over. As far as filters, you didnt stand a chance. I stand by my suggestion from Sunday...I also know that it is easy to become cynical when you have just been disappointed.
One thing I've learned from being married is that you can't change the other person, all you can do is love them like God wants us to love them, and treat them like God wants us to treat them and based on our actions and our love, hopefully they will change. This doesn't always happen, and maybe that means it's not meant to be. Thankfully you leaned this before you got married. I'm praying for you :)
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