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On Thursday, my Grandma will have been in Heaven for four years. Not a day goes by that I don't think about her. I've thought a thousand times of things I would say to her if she was still here. A letter is the best I can do though.


Dear Grandma,

So much has happened in the past four years. First, you'll be happy to know that Grandpa is well and misses you dearly. Mom has more than stepped up to the plate for you, nagging Grandpa any chance she gets! Don't worry- he doesn't seem to mind too much! Mom has stepped in for you at Friday dinners, or at least every other weekend. I know she feels bad telling him no sometimes, but I think Grandpa understands! (Such a good man, that one!) He came to my house last weekend to help hang some shelves in the garage! It was SO nice having him at my house, and I think he liked that he got to do some "manly" things for me! And of course, there were some 2X4's involved!!! He brings the kids M&M's everytime he knows he'll be seeing them. Most of the time they're already melted from being in his pocket too long, but the kids don't care!! I know you didn't know Murphy, but Anderson LOVES him and Lilly is scared mindless of him! He makes Grandpa happy and drives mom CRAZY! You'd love him! He's a little hyper, much like Makayla used to be!

Mom still cries about you. She misses you so much. We all do, but I think Mom misses you more than anyone can even imagine. She still comes to Fort Wayne almost every weekend so we can go shopping, and not a weekend goes by that she doesn't mention your name. I joke about her nagging grandpa so much, but I think she loves it when we tell her she's just like you! (She is! Exactly like you!) I pray to God that I turn out exactly like her, too. 

Adam sees you on his flights sometimes. I think he'd give anything to just talk to you one more time. Wouldn't it be nice if Heaven had visiting hours? Can't you talk to someone about that?! Adam uses your sayings a lot. "Well Gretchen, that's just a decision you'll have to make!" We all love it!

Lilly started first grade this year! FIRST GRADE Grandma! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?! She doesn't talk about school much this year, but she says she likes it alright. She's reading chapter books and loves to write (maybe she gets that from me?!). She is a wee bit dramatic (must get that from Aaron!) and she and I butt heads sometimes (a lot). I'm obsessed with her, but she'll be the death of me grandma! You weren't kidding when you said they're easier to take care of in the womb than on the outside! hahaha! Lilly smells you a lot. Mom bought me some bath salts in MN last month. They're sitting in my bathroom and Lilly says they smell like you. I love that. She talks about you a lot...especially to her brother. She's SUCH a good big sister grandma. I told her the story about how she used to back her booty into you. She just laughed! She thinks it's pretty hilarious! Grandpa came to Lilly's first ballet recital this past summer. You would have loved seeing her dance. 

Anderson. Wow. You would absolutely love him to pieces. He's perfect. He's the best hugger IN THE WORLD. I'm pretty sure he got that from his Gigi! Anderson is just a ham. He loves Grandpa (his Pa-Paw), and always wants to follow him around. He went golfing and fishing for the first time ever this summer when he was in MN with Aaron. He loved it, even though he fell into the lake (ugh Aaron!). Anderson started Junior K a couple weeks ago. He's already been in trouble twice. He's a stink, but sooo cute so it's hard to stay mad at him. He's definitely going to be a mama's boy, although he LOVES his Nana so much. When you last saw Anderson, he was CHUBBY! He's sooo skinny now! It's crazy! Oh Grandma, you would just love him so much! And he would love you too! I wish he knew you more. Lilly and I do our best to tell him about you. The kids have a picture of you- the one from your last Christmas at Mom's. You're wearing the purple outfit and you're sitting on Mom's couch and Lilly is standing next to you. It's a perfect picture. It's my "go to" memory of you.

I think you'd be proud of me Grandma. I'm sorry that things didn't work out with me and Aaron, but you didn't know "that side" of Aaron, which I'm thankful for. He loved you, and I know you always loved him. He is a good dad...for that, I'll be forever grateful. I wish you could have met Jeff. You would have loved him. He was a hugger grandma. I thought he was sent to me by you. It didn't work out, but I felt true love. It was incredible. If you've got any other wild cards for me, you can send him my way anytime! Just sayin'! I haven't been to "visit" you lately, and I'm sorry for that. That first summer/fall was intense. I miss my random weekday visits with you. I'll try to do better about visiting. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. I'm trying to talk Mom into moving up to Fort Wayne to be closer to me and the kids. She would never leave grandpa alone in Wabash, which I understand. Things just aren't the same without you here. Of course we all adore Grandpa, but life without you just doesn't feel whole. I'm sure Grandpa would agree. It's hard for me to go to your house. The memories I have of you there haunt me. My favorite memories are of happier, healthier times. I sometimes wonder if grandpa (and Mom) feel the same. 

You are the best grandma a girl could ever ask for. Your outgoing personality has lived on in me. Your strong demeanor lives on in Mom. Your brutally honest opinions live on (strongly) in Adam. Your wit has been carried on by all of us. And your vibrant outlook on life has lived on in many people that you've touched in your lifetime. Anytime I get together with old friends from high school your name is mentioned, a memory of you shared. And every time, I get more and more proud to be your granddaughter. You will never be forgotten, Grandma. I promise with every fiber of my being, you will never be forgotten. 


All my love, until next time,

Gretchen 

That's One Way To Look At It

When I participated in the Family Program in MN when Aaron was in treatment, they gave us all a copy of a book called Courage to Change. It's an Al-Anon based book, basically a daily devotional for those of us dealing with the addict in our life. Well, even with "my" addict out of my life, I still occasionally refer to this book to get me through real life issues (read: insecurities)
This morning I read this: "We cannot know what the future will bring. Our best hope is every bit as likely to occur as our worst fear, so there's no reason to give more weight to the negative assumptions." How freeing to be able to expect the best as easily as we expect the worst? It's like the time someone asked me "what's your favorite thing about yourself?" I thought on this question for a long time. It was embarrassing. But the second I was asked "what's something you don't like about yourself?" my answer(s) came easily. Sadly, we are quick to overlook the good things about ourselves, and we focus so much time and energy on the bad things.
My personal assignment for myself today was to make a list of things that I like about myself. I'm telling you, this was hard to do people! Hard! Try it!I could think of a thousand things (especially physical attributes) that I loathe! When I was creating this list today I thought about my kids. What if, one day, they have trouble finding the good in themselves? I would HATE that for them. How do we change this?

Let's Switch It Up

It's been a minute since I wrote anything, mostly because I have had these crazy thoughts in my mind about going in a new direction with my blog. Part of that scares me like in a big way, because of a couple of things. One, I like my Lucky Chance blog and I like writing about this "fluffy" stuff..ya know, my failed relationships, my precious (yet crrrrazy) babies, my obsession with my job (which is questionable these days), and my other ramblings that mean nothing to anyone other than me. With that said, I have felt this feeling lately, something pulling me to do more, write more, do something- with a purpose. Hmm, but that sounds super incredibly intimidating and perhaps too deep for me. I'm not "that" type of a person. Or am I? Who knows?

This thought came to me three weeks ago when my church started a new series called "Target: What if you  lived your dream every day"...I briefly mentioned it a couple weeks ago in a previous post, but it's been on my mind daily since then. I've reached out to some people for help with the idea. My friend Aaron has been A-MAZING about it. It's nice when you find someone your age who gets your vision. Also, my distant friend JW, who I trust with the universe, has encouraged me and supported my vision. With their support, I feel less intimidated about taking the leap into a new blog. And heck, maybe I'll even keep writing Lucky Chance. We shall see.

The Target series is all about finding your "calling" in life. Finding that thing you were created to do, and doing it. The thing that worries me, is that many people go their entire life without really hitting their target. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to make the turn towards it and still miss it. Basically, we were all born with a purpose, with a target. Without it, we are lost. I keep talking about putting this new blog off. I justify it thinking that I need to wait until I have more "facts" together. Here's what I know.  Ephesians 5:15-17 says Be careful, then, how you live- not as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil. Therefore do not be foolish, but understand what the Lord's will is. Paul is saying that we need to create this sense of urgency in our own days, we need to get up every day and have a purpose, get somewhere with a purpose, on purpose. I like that idea. The idea that we don't need to get up every day and just survive, just be, but instead to do something, be something. How demotivating to just get up and go through the motions, no?

I'd love to say that I have a plan for myself. That I have a road map of what I think it is that God has called me to do- that He has revealed my "target" for life. But that's not the case. After this three week series, I know that this may take a little work, but for the first time, I am ready and willing to put in the work. I'm ready to do what I've talked about doing. I don't think God created me to blog about random stuff, I don't even think I was called to write a blog about Him! All I know is that something has been tugging at my heart. I'm ready to listen and follow it. What comes from it, only time will tell. I feel  extremely vulnerable. I feel overwhelmingly intimidated. And to be honest y'all, people's confidence in their faith even scares me! (I sound like a giant bawl baby, right?!) I wasn't raised in a home that talked about church, studied scripture, or heck, even went to church every Sunday. But I want that for myself now and for my kids. I'm excited to dig into this series a little more on my own and see where it takes me. Wish me luck!

First Grader (AT LAST)!

Remember just twelve short months ago when my precious first born child was heading off to kindergarten? Do you remember how much of a MESS this mama was? First grade may have been even harder! The morning started out well, with my little princess ridiculously excited to wear her new fancy dress from Nana! As soon as we dropped Anderson off at daycare however, things took a turn. Lilly had one of her infamous mini-meltdowns in the hallway, declaring that she would be riding the bus and not riding with Mama! Ouch. She insisted that only kindergartners were taken to school by their moms and that first graders rode the bus. After I convinced her that all good moms take their kids to school on the first day, she gave in and got excited about me going with her. (Did I mention there may have been some pity tears in there. Good parenting at its finest, no?) When we got to the school, Lilly basically begged me to not take pictures in front of the school. Seriously? This coming from my every-time-I-see-a-camera-I-pose child?!! I was able to snap a few (and I mean only a few!) pictures of my new first grader! I'm so excited for her, but so sad to see her grow up so quickly.

The night before her first day of school...fell asleep reading "Junie B. First Grader (At last!)"

"How's this for an excited smile, mom?"

A locker in the hallway this year!! 

"Okay, but this is the last one Mom!" 

Read It Girl!

When I wrote about my reading list last time, I left off at the infamous 50 Shades trilogy (which I highly recommend). After reading all things sex for three weeks, I chose another trashy book, Kris Jenner's memoir. Wow. What a waste of my time! LOL! I love celebrity gossip, but that was just t-rash.
I then dug into The Glass Castle. I had read about Jeannette Walls a long time ago, and heard she had an interesting writing style. I enjoyed it, but I don't know that I'd read any other work by her.
Since then, I've been taking my time reading some book by Kristin Hannah. I like her writing because it's so much about the mother-daughter relationship. Yeah, I may be on Kristin Hannah overload, but I've been able to borrow most of the books (read: free entertainment), so eh why not!!!
Here's a rundown of the books I've been reading.



Saving Her

I feel like everyone who has lived with a drug addict tells the same story. Sure the minor details are different, but the big picture is the same. The lies, the manipulation, the uncertainty, the fear..if you've ever been around an addict, you know what I'm talking about. And although I'm educated enough on the topic to know and believe that it's a disease, I still can't help but feel zero sympathy for an addict. Being the one who loves the addict is equally, if not more disastrous. At least the addict doesn't remember all the hurt and pain he's causing his loved ones. The worse thing for me now is seeing someone else go through it. As much as I want to save them all, I know that it's an ending that you have to reach on your own. There's nothing I can say to someone going through it to make them completely understand that it's probably worse than they imagine and that it's probably not going to end up how you hope it will.
There's a girl in my life who, for whatever reason, I really took under my wing about six months ago. When we first met, I was instantly drawn to her. Looking back now I see why, but at the time I just saw such potential in this girl. She worked a full time job at a fiberglass factory (tough work, especially for a girl) and was going to night school. She had a rough upbringing; nothing terrible, but it sounds like it wasn't overly easy either. Basically, I just loved how hard working she was and how driven she was to get out of her situation (living with her parents, working at the factory, etc..). She is a very smart girl, albeit with a twenty year old's attitude.
Flash forward to now. She met a guy about three months ago and has been living with him ever since (okay okay, so she "got out" of her parent's house, but....ugh). She just seems to be constantly down, and mad at the world. She hates rules and regulations- anywhere, set up by anyone. She doesn't work anymore, and I see her struggle. I'm telling you, it breaks my heart to see her struggle. I had a little chat with her last night to try to figure out what's going on in her life. What is so different now than where she was six months ago? I can't help but tie it to her boyfriend. She seems to try to keep him close (logistically) wherever she is, to ensure that he doesn't screw up and go use drugs. WHAT? I want to shake her and tell her that she can't protect him from this disease. I want her to realize that the power of addiction is stronger than any young love that they may have for each other. She's convinced that he hasn't done any drugs since they moved in together, but from the sound of her stories, it just doesn't seem to be the case. Things that she believes about him are exact stories that I used to believe from Aaron. As much as I tell her that he's probably lying to her, the more I see her turn away from me and turn more towards him. She thinks that he's motivating and supporting her, but in reality I see him using her and manipulating her. She's too young for this. It hurts my soul to know that she could potentially end up in a situation like I did with Aaron. I PRAY that she makes smarter decisions than I did. I PRAY that she trusts herself enough to know that she can make it in life without him. I PRAY that she's not relying on him for anything, so that when he disappoints her and betrays her, she will be okay enough to move on.
I remember my mom encouraging me and trying to protect me from all of this too, about six years ago. I remember her telling me that this was not going to end up good for me, if I stayed with Aaron and continued the path that I was heading. I remember hating her for saying these things. I remember being disgusted with her for not trusting my choices. I remember thinking "she doesn't have a clue." The sad thing is, she knew exactly what I was going through and she knew EXACTLY how it would end up. Unfortunately, I had to get there on my own. Something had to light up inside of me, on its own. Nothing my mom, or anyone else for that matter, said would make me stop loving, and trusting, and caring about Aaron. It was a stop I had to get to on my own. And of course, eventually I did. I just wish that I could help my friend before it gets to a horrible point in her life...before she ends up living a life where she trusts no one, loves too cautiously, and where those horribly memories haunt her. I know I can't save her, but I wish more than anything, I could make this easy for her.

"Experience is a hard teacher because she gives the test first, the lesson afterwards." 

Home

Anderson spent the night with my mom last night, leaving Lilly and I to a much needed girls' night. I saw it as a perfect opportunity to try out a new church. There's a gorgeously (that's a word) massive church, literally a mile from my house. I've always considered trying it out, but never taken the plunge. When I saw that they had a Saturday evening service, I thought about how perfect that would be. Taking two kids to a new church, not knowing anyone, can be a smidge overwhelming, but taking my semi-well-behaved six year old, not as much. I saw last night as the perfect opportunity!
The Chapel is, like I said, a humongous church. It's not unusual for there to be two or three sheriff's directing traffic in and out of their parking lot on Sunday mornings. Let me interject here and note that I have had minimal "issues" with my church, other than our favorite worship pastor's departure awhile ago, leaving us knowing essentially no one in the congregation. And I felt a little annoyed with one of the lead pastor's response to Anderson's request of being baptized earlier this year. But...other than those two things, I have considered Sonrise "home" to me and my kids for almost three years now.
Let me point out too, that for probably the first three months, the thing that took me back to Sonrise every week was the worship. So obviously, when I am looking to find a new church (which we aren't necessarily seeking to do), the first thing I notice is their worship team!
As Lilly and I walked into the lobby of The Chapel Saturday evening, the smell of the familiar overwhelmed me. As we walked into the sanctuary, the sight of the familiar warmed me. Church pews, something that I hadn't seen since my young days as a good little Catholic girl, lined the enormous sanctuary. I felt very welcomed. People were friendly. But that's where it stopped. As the worship team started their praise and worship, thirty-one people (yes we counted) lined the giant stage, and sang the familiar tunes. To say that it fell short to the worship at Sonrise (even post JW) would be the understatement of the century. Thirty-one people, young and old, could not bring me to my feet, get my hands clapping, get my heart pumping. Thirty-one people could not do for me, what one person (JW) did for me many years ago. Mixed with the lousy message (something about protons and neutrons proving there is a God), the twenty minutes of worship did not motivate me to want to go back to The Chapel.
This morning, Lilly and I woke up early and decided that we would go to Sonrise's 9:30 service, the service that we most often frequented. I had received an email earlier in the week, alerting me that we would be starting a new series called "Target: What if You Lived Your Dream Every Day"...I opened that email, read what the series would be about, and knew that I HAD to make it back to Sonrise asap! This series was all about finding what you were made to do, following the plan that God had created especially for YOU, and doing what you needed to do to end up where you were created to be.   I. WAS. PUMPED!
After today's message, I got to thinking...WHAT AM I DOING? I LOOOOOVE my blog. I LOOOOOVE to write. I LOOOOVE blogging about my life and using it as my outlet to vent about whatever is going on in my life. BUT...I sat there this morning and I thought...If I could do what I love to do, and what I'm good(ish) at doing, and have a PURPOSE with doing it...how AWESOME would that be??? Which prompted me to think...maybe I should end "Lucky Chance" blog. Maybe I should be writing for the bigger picture. Maybe I should take what I love to do (write) and use it for something more. Maybe I should quit this blog, which has turned from one tragedy to the next, and write about something that really matters. I feel inadequate to have a "Christian-based blog"...I feel like a newbie in my faith to be able to "lead" on such matters. But, I want to do what I love to do, and have a PURPOSE. I feel like my constant rants about my failed relationship with JM, my endless disappointments in Aaron, and my never-ending stressors of being a single parent are getting old. It's time I stop complaining about my failed plans and start living for His plans for me. We shall see.

Now THAT'S What We Should Do

My cousin Megan is a special one! She's been a teacher for the past seven or eight years and like most teachers, is burnt out on it! She's always thinking of new career paths to take and always has these grand ideas which always start out with "Now that's what we should do!" It always ends with me rolling my eyes, pointing out to her that building a parking garage in the empty lot near my brothers' condo is just not financially feasible (not to mention the city of Chicago frowns upon it!) or that opening a roadside fruit stand just isn't practical!

HOWEVER...today I got home from work and noticed a cute little package at my front door! My mom had ordered Lilly a cute little hair bow holder. It is the cutest stinking thing EVER!

See? 

Here's the thing, Megan has made multiple "hair bow holders" for her own little girls....and I am prrrrretty sure that she didn't spend $18.99 (plus shipping) on them. Don't get me wrong, I'm COMPLETELY like my mother, and would have totally paid $20 for this adorable little craft. When I sent this picture to Megan, with the price tag attached, she wrote back "now that's what we should do!"  We've got it all figured out! She'll craft, and I'll market and sell! I'm sure that I'm not the only Mom out there who doesn't have the talent time to craft. I'm just NOT that Pinterest kinda gal! And if I could find someone to do it for me, I'd totally pay some good money for these crafts! Who's with me? More importantly, how many of you want a hair bow holder?!

 

Faith

I am what they call a worry wart. I worry about EVERY little detail of things. I worry that I'm not doing enough, I worry that I'm doing too much. I worry about sleeping babies. I worry about tooth fairies being properly assigned to the right child (inside story). I worry that it's going to be cold on a day I sent my kids to school in shorts. I worry about thunderstorms striking when I'm at work and the kids are at school. I worry about car accidents. I worry about cancer. I worry about scraped knees and elbows. I worry about belly aches. I worry about toddler arguments. I worry about not being enough. I worry about being overbearing. I worry about worrying too much. I worry about not being there for my kids. I worry about failing. I worry about not teaching my kids enough. I worry about not getting enough vegetables. I worry about not knowing the meaning of big words. I worry about not experiencing enough. I worry about missing out on clues. I worry about not being present enough.

If I've learned one thing lately it's that I spend too much time worrying and not enough time living. Life is too incredibly precious to spend it worrying about what might happen. Worrying is exactly the opposite of what I would hope for myself. Someone reminded me of this Bible verse and it really helped me focus less on what is not mine to control. "And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, He will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?" Matthew 6:30. I want to be the type of person who lives for the moment. I don't want to worry about the things I cannot control. I want to trust that He has my back, that I don't need to waste time worrying.

Here's to worrying less....

Summertime Fun!

As the school year creeps closer and closer, I can't help but reflect back on the INCREDIBLE summer that the kids I had this year! We jammed pack our entire month of June with something to do every single weekend! July proved to be nothing short of amazing as well, and I can't even tell you how extremely blessed I feel to have been able to spend so much time with my precious babies!

Lilly's last day of Kindergarten was May 29th. It was such a jammed packed school year that I just couldn't wait for her to have a break. And secretly, I was looking forward to the break from the kindergarten drama that comes with diva little girls (my daughter included)!! 

The first weekend in June was Lilly's first ever ballet recital. My brothers were nice enough to come to town (and miss the traditional Indy Wine Fest!), and of course my mom, sister, and grandpa were in attendance for the big show! Lilly did a great job performing and is already looking forward to this year's dance classes! 

The very next day, my cousin Megan and her two girls drove to town so we could take the four kids on a mini vacation! We were headed to Great Wolf Lodge, a giant indoor water park! I had taken my kids there a couple years ago, but I knew that this time would be so much better because they were a little older and of course their cousins would be with us! Our two families always have such a great time together! (And if you've never roadtripped with four toddlers, I highly recommend it!!!)

The following weekend Megan and I decided to take the two older girls to a play at Wagon Wheel theater in Warsaw. Growing up, my grandparents always had season tickets and would take me and my brother to shows. I remember LOVING Wagon Wheel, so when we heard Peter Pan would be coming, we knew we HAD to take the girls! It was so fun being able to spend time with just the "big" girls! Megan and I were inseparable when we were kids, so it's fun seeing our girls make the same kind of memories! 

Next up was an adult vacation for me and Megan! Aaron flew into town to stay with the kids, and the moms headed to Florida for a long weekend of beach beach beach!!! 

It was a hottttt summer, so most of the July 4th festivities were canceled. The kids and I enjoyed the holiday at home, in the air conditioning, watching fireworks on TV! LOL! The following weekend we met back up with the Bishir clan and headed to St.Joseph, MI. Megan and I had visited there last summer, and decided it would be the perfect daytrip for the kids. 

Towards the end of July it was time for the kids' annual summer vacation to Daddy's house! As HORRRRRIBLE as it is for me to be without the kids for over a week, I welcomed the break! Aaron sent me a few pictures of their time in MN. Anderson went fishing for the first time ever, and did surprisingly well (minus an incident of him falling into the lake while reeling in a "huge" fish!). Aaron also took Anderson on his first golf trip (on a real course!)! Lilly lost her first top front tooth while she was there and got money from her Minnesota Tooth Fairy (pretty cool!!!)!!!! 

This summer we also got a zoo membership again. It had been a few years since we had one, but knew that with Megan and her girls having one, we would get a ton of use out of it! 

OH! And did I mention that we took a little trip to Chicago with Nana?! We did the architectural boat tour through the city! The weather had been scorching hot, but miraculously it was PER-FECT weather when we were touring the windy city! It's always so nice to spend a weekend with Uncle A and Uncle G!

Uncle G, Anderson, and Uncle A

Waiting on the "City Bus" downtown Chicago

Ice Cream at Margie's! 

I'm sure I've left out more of our summer fun, but for now...Enjoy!!!

Settle No More!

Almost two years ago I read a (hilarious) book called "Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr.Good Enough." In writing the title of that book, I realize two things. First, how ridiculously pathetic it sounds that I own, read, and loved said book. And secondly, all this time I thought the book was called "Marry Him: The case OF Settling for Mr. Good Enough." Hmmmm.
I think we spend a lot of time focusing on all the wrong things. For over six months I have had a vision of who JM was in my mind. How he treated me, the things he did for me, how the kids felt about him, the way he fit into my family...I focused on those things ONLY. I failed to remember the reality of things-- his inability to manage money, his lack of motivation to try anything new, his childish habits with his friends, etc. Those were the constant issues in our relationship that I could never let go of when we were together, but easily dismissed them when we broke up and I was pining for his attention! Of course I don't intend to downplay the relationship that I had with JM because honestly the guy changed my life forever, but I think I have carried on this false legacy of him long enough. Who he was when we were together, and who he was before and after "us" are two different people. I'm not saying one is better than the other, I'm just saying that it seems as though there are two different people.
When I finally was able to step back from the situation with JM and go on a few dates, one of the first things someone said to me was "Never settle. You deserve more than to settle." Perhaps I did settle. My friend Rachael told me that I can never accept anyone into my life who is less than amazing. She's right! I'm ready to look forward and be the girl who never looks back.