And then came the anger

There are seven steps to grief, or so they say. I think I'm in the anger stage. I'm not just mad at JM. I'm mad at myself. Probably more so at myself, in fact.

• I'm mad that I let someone in. I am, by nature, bitter about relationships. Happy couples make my stomach hurt. They gross me out. But then I met JM and all that changed. We were disgustingly cute together. We were mushy, lovey, and just make-you-puke happy together. I'm mad that I became "that" girl. I let my wall down and I got crushed. Lesson learned.
• I'm mad that I let someone around my kids. JM was the first person (other than their dad, obviously), who I let spend any amount of quality time with my babies. I have protected my kids from as much as I possibly can-- even when it came to their own father. I swore to myself, to my family, and to their dad that I would never have guys "in and out" of their lives. I swore to myself that, unless I felt my relationship was solid, I'd never let someone around them. I'd never bring someone into their life that had the potential to leave them. I'm mad that I failed my kids.
• I'm mad that I find love letters from JM all over my house, my office, my car...I'm mad that they still make my heart skip a beat every time I read them.
• I'm mad that I don't have the strength that I once had when it comes to relationships...or moving on from them.
• I'm mad that I cried myself to sleep for the past three nights.
• I'm mad that I have slept less than 12 hours in the past three nights.
• I'm mad that JM wasn't willing to put anything into making things work. I'm angry that I find people who seem to easily walk away from me and the kids (their dad, and now JM).
• I'm mad that I'm so insecure. I need to get over it.
• I'm mad that JM doesn't even care that the kids asked about when he'd be "home" next. I'm mad that I don't have an answer for them.
• I'm mad that I'm so mad.
• I'm mad that EVERYTHING reminds me of him and that I am on the verge of tears for at least ten hours a day.
• I'm mad that my closet is half empty.
• I'm mad that I didn't keep just one of his t-shirts to sleep with. (I'm mad that I just admitted I act like a thirteen year old girl!)
• I'm mad that I'm so mean. I'm mad that I have a big mouth that gets me in trouble. I'm mad that I don't have a filter. I'm mad that I say things that "insecure Gretchen" feels, but that "reality Gretchen" knows to be untrue. I'm mad that I focus on the first way too often.
• I'm mad that I used the word "perfect" to describe JM, our relationship, and our love SO often. I feel like I was duped.
• I'm mad that I'm tired.

You Realize....

After you lose someone important, you realize that nothing you do seems normal anymore. You realize how much a part of your life that person was. Here's what I realized driving in....

• I can't listen to the radio anymore. Every. Single. Song reminds me of him. I tried to listen to Bullfrogs and Butterflies (my kids' Christian cd, that my brother and I used to listen to as kids also), but then I was reminded that I was listening to it because I couldn't listen to the radio. Ugh.
• You can get heart burn, even if you haven't eaten in two days.
• Cramming your clothes into one side of the closet, because you can't fathom the idea that he's never coming back and won't need that side of the closet anymore, is okay. This works also with a dresser. Who needs six dresser drawers to herself? Three will work. It's worked for the past 3 months, it can work for a while longer.
• It IS possible to keep your kids out of said closet, so as to escape from having to answer questions, quite yet.
• Avoiding text messages from friends and family to avoid tears is okay. As much as the "pep talks" are intended for warm wishes, they actually do quite the opposite. Thanks, but please don't send anymore, at least during business hours, or hours that might be spent with my children.
• The old saying is true...."Appreciate the little things in life, for one day they will be the big things."
• Words hurt. You can't get away with saying mean things your whole life. You have to be willing to stop trying to protect yourself, and be open to trusting the person you love. I failed at this. Over and over.
• NEVER use things associated with your boyfriend as ALL your passwords. The next time you try to sign into ANYTHING, you'll cry.
• Little things, like making the bed, should be rewarded...at least today! GO GRETCHEN! (See? That worked for me!)
• Going to bed at 7:30pm is NOT beneficial if you're just going to wake up every two hours.
• When people tell you that you're strong, it's not always a good thing. Sometimes it's okay to cry. Sometimes it's okay to need someone. Sometimes it's okay to pray to God that he can help change this.
• It's okay to have days where you want to call him and text him and let him know that you still love him...other days it's okay to write a blog about it!
• Most importantly, I realized this morning that I might have to MAKE myself have a good day today. I'm probably going to have to remind myself to smile. But, I have two beautiful babies who remind me how blessed I am, and I will cling to that, more today than ever before.

Here I Am!

It's been a minute since I've written anything...just a quick update...

• We're still alive and well!
• Lilly lost her tooth (picture to follow). It's been growing money in a glass of water, for the past few days! Lilly thinks its awesome!!
• Lilly got Cody Coyote Wednesday at school (WOOT WOOT!) on her 100th day of kindergarten! We celebrated with Cebollas (thanks Daddy!)
• I'm adjusting quite well to my 30's (hehe)!
• Aaron and I just planned the kids' next visit to Minnesota! They're going during Lilly's spring break! I am excited for the time alone, but I'll miss them dearly, of course! I know they'll have fun!
• JM's 31st bday is right around the corner! I'm planning something super fun (I hope!) for him!
• Two weeks from yesterday is my cruise! Uncle G is staying with the kids-- they're super excited! Thanks Uncle G!!!!!

Birthday Dinner!

Thanks to all my girls who were able to come last night to my birthday dinner! It was a perfect way to prepare for the big 3-0! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends to help me celebrate! Love you all! 

Birthday Celebrations!

Today began what was once referred to as "Gretch-fest" in my younger days! Gretch-fest is the days leading up to my birthday, and this year, it's my 30th!!! In my early twenties (sooo long ago!) I worked at a bar with one of my best friends. Every year, we celebrated for an entire week leading up to our birthdays. Although the tradition has tapered off, I still appreciate a few days of celebration! LOL!

At work today, my co-workers bombarded my office to sing Happy Birthday to me! One of my favorite work sisters (hehe) baked the most delicious cupcakes, one of the guys brought in doughnuts this morning, people chipped in and ordered a bunch of pizzas for lunch, and at the end of the workday, we had ice cream cake! YUM! It has been a FABULOUS day! To top it off, JM worked in FTW today and was there to celebrate the whole thing with me!

Tomorrow I'm doing dinner with some of my closest girlfriends! I'm SO excited!

As It Should Be...

It's been awhile since I've done a hodge podge post...so here it goes...

• Rumor has it that we're supposed to get some snow tomorrow. Ugh. Although I figured this "winter wonderland" that we've had (sunny, 50 degrees, GORGEOUS) wouldn't stick around ALL winter, I was hoping it'd at least push on through January! Oh well...If we get the snow Anderson and JM will be pleased. (For the record, I am NOT going out to play in the fluffy white stuff. You'll find me cuddled up inside with my precious Lilly!)
• I'm SO excited to be spending Saturday evening with some of my best friends for my birthday dinner. It's my 30th birthday and I can't think of a better way to end my 20's than hanging out over good food and wine, with my girlfriends. I CANNOT WAIT!
• Lilly's tooth is still hanging on! She's become quite clever coming up with new ways to eat out of the side of her mouth! Haha! We'll see how long this lasts! I told her to ask Crampa (my dad) to pull it for her tonight, but she about FLIPPED when I suggested that!
• Things at work have been improving. I decided that I have no other choice right now than to make the most of the situation with the change in hours. The bottom line is that my kids are happy to spend the time with my mom and dad every week, and they LOVE our neighbor friend whom they'll spend the other day with. I know that my kids will be taken care of and happy! I'm choosing to make the most of the less-than-ideal situation. Like I've said a million times, I LOVE my job and I love the people I work with. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw in the towel on all that just yet.
• Less than one month until my brother and I leave for our cruise! To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the century! I'm SOOOOOOOO excited! I can't wait to be laying out in the sun! This will be my very first cruise EVER! CANNOT WAIT!

Tooth Fairy No More?

So I wrote Sunday about Lilly's wiggly tooth. Well, it's still hanging on, but I doubt for long! Today, my brother texted me and asked how she was doing with it. And he asked what our "plans" were for when it fell out. Huh? Plans? Ummm, I PLANNED to put it under her pillow and give her a buck from the Tooth Fairy. What other PLANS are required?

According to my brother, losing a tooth is a big deal for kids, especially that FIRST tooth! I agree, it IS a huge deal and I'm SO excited for Lilly to join her other gap-smile friends. BUT, I don't plan on calling out the entertainment clowns to celebrate! The more I thought about it, I wondered if my brother was on to something. He pointed out that a lot of people don't necessarily think giving kids MONEY for a tooth falling out is a good idea. And maybe he's right. Why "reward" biology?

What do you do when your kid loses a tooth? Give me some ideas...and quickly, because I don't think that little toofer has much longer!

Wiggly Tooth

Lilly has her first loose tooth! This is a monumental event in our home, as Lilly has been hoping for one for months...or ever since her cousin Chloe lost a couple teeth! Mama, on the other hand, is not so excited for this event for a couple reasons. First of all because this means my little girl is growing up. I'm not good at handling that! Secondly, because I HATE blood and all gross things! I just DON'T handle that! 

Lilly called her daddy tonight to tell him the exciting news! Aaron laughed when Lilly blurted out "DADDY, I HAVE A WIGGLY TOOTH!" He asked Lills if she knew what happened when her tooth fell out. He said "the tooth fairy brings you dollars!" I quickly corrected him...the tooth fairy brings A dollar!

The next few days (or however long it takes for a wiggly tooth to finally fall out) will be stressful on us all! Lilly is SO anxious for it to fall out (and for the tooth fairy to visit). I am just PRAYING that it falls out on someone else's watch. I'm not sure how I'll handle it! Keep us in your prayers during this exciting time!!! 

But We'll Do It...

JM is a Lion's fan. We are NOT Lions fans. We are Colts fans first, and Packer's fans second. It's always been this way! But, since JM is pretty much a part of our family, we have agreed to jump on his bandwagon, as long as it doesn't interfere with our own personal choice of teams (ie Michigan vs Indiana basketball! GO HOOSIERS!). 

Bubby, trying to be a good sport! 

But then the game just got pathetic. And Bubby got bored....so it looked more like this...

"Lions. Seriously?" 

How Do I Manage?

I've been asked a lot about how I "manage" being a single, working mom. I always answer, "oh, I just MAKE it work." Well, today has been one of those days where I literally sit here wondering how I'm going to manage.

I. Am. Exhausted. I'm not tired from being overloaded at work, because Lord knows that's not it. And I'm not exhausted because of my kids, because they really are easy-going, good babies. I'm not exhausted because of my boyfriend, because he's amazing and makes things as easy as possible for me (love him!). But, when I look at things, as a whole, I get EXHAUSTED. 
Things are changing at work, where I'll have to start working two late nights a week. As it sits now, I work one "late" night (11:30-8pm). My parents have been AMAZING in helping me. They take turns driving an hour (each way), to make sure my kids are taken care of every Thursday night. They drive straight from work, pick up my kids from school, feed them dinner, get them ready for bed, and put them to bed EVERY SINGLE Thursday night. It makes it SO much easier on ME to know that my kids are happy and well taken care of while I'm working. I HATE being away from them at bedtime. It's aggravating to think that now I'm going to be working TWO nights a week and have to count on another person to put my kids to bed TWICE a week now. It doesn't just aggravate me, it makes me LIVID, to be quite honest. Since my parents are already doing one night, I have a neighbor friend who is willing to get them the other night, although of course it's going to cost me. So, on top of being away from my kids an additional night each week, I'm now going to be paying an extra $90 a month for someone else to put my kids to bed. 
It makes me SICK to think that I'll not see them for two nights. It makes me sad to think that I work for a company that's so family UNfriendly. I'm just not "that" parent who can be away from my kids that much EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I just don't have it in me. It's bad enough being away from them ONE night a week, but it makes it easier knowing they're with my mom or dad. 


I'm asking for some prayers for this situation. I am completely torn as to what I need to do. I know what's best for my family, but I also know that it's just ME financially supporting this family. I need to figure out how to "manage" this on my own. Thanks for your prayers in advance. 

Oh Lilly!

 So I was going through my phone looking at pictures that we've taken recently. And I came across a trend. My kids like  love are OBSESSED with posing for pictures! Lilly sees a camera and just instantly strikes a pose! See what I mean.....

Throw together an outfit and POSE!

Before ballet





Before school



Road trip!




Today, before school...



Curious Boys

Warning: This post contains some notsoflattering pictures of both my boyfriend and my son. You've been warned.


So Tuesday nights are ballet nights. Lilly has ballet from 4:30-5:15. Usually, I leave Anderson at daycare while I take Lilly to ballet because it's just easier than having to find things to keep Anderson quietly entertained for forty-five minutes in the lobby at the dance studio. ANYWAY...yesterday, I decided that, with the cold and snow, I'd just get Anderson at the same time. I brought along his iPod so he'd have something to do. After Lilly went into her class, Anderson and I were talking and I noticed brown marker behind his ears. WHAT. IS. THAT!? He told me that he met Curious George at school and that he's now brown like Curious George (thanks daycare teachers!). So, there sat my brown-behind-the-ears son, thinking he looked like Curious George!
I quickly texted my mom and JM to tell them of this...and here's what I got back from JM:


Text from JM (while on a conference call): "Curious (JM)"



When I showed Anderson the picture of JM, he laughed and did this:

"Curious Bubby!"

My my my...what silly silly boys I have! **Oh, and guess which super mom forgot to clean off the brown marker behind Curious Bubby's ears this morning before school! Whoops! That's what I get for letting them skip a bath!**

But Who Would Be Our Mom?

Morning drive conversation went like this today:

Lilly: Mom, we go to heaven when we die, right?
Me: Yeah, why?
Lilly: But if we go to heaven, we're there forever, right? We never come back down?
Me: That's right. (seriously confused where this conversation is coming from)
Lilly: But, if I am in heaven, who will stay with Anderson?
Me: Well...
Anderson: If you're going to heaven, I'm going with you!! (in an almost panicked voice)
Lilly: But then who will be with Mom?
Me: Well, hopefully I'll be in heaven before you are Lills.
Anderson: But if you're in heaven, who would be our Mom?
Lilly: NANA!
(*smile!*)
Anderson: Nana will be in heaven before Mom. Right Mom?
(I'm literally tearing up at this point. WHY are we talking about this?)
Me: Well...I mean, it's up to God when He lets people into heaven.
Lilly: He let Gigi in heaven, right mom?
Me: Yep!
Lilly: So when Nana gets to heaven she can be with Gigi again?
Me: Yep!
Anderson: I can't wait to get to heaven.
(*tears*)

So this conversation went on a couple more minutes, but here's what struck me...It's interesting how kids are SO open to talking about death. I STILL have chills from our early morning conversation, but it makes me happy to know that the kids know about heaven and death. It doesn't need to be such a taboo topic. It's part of life, afterall. When we first moved into our house, there was a spot along the final road leading to my addition where Anderson would roll down his window and say "Hi Gigi!"  It was no joke. It seemed like there was one spot where he would always "see" Gigi. It warmed my heart. It's interesting that anytime we talk about death, heaven, Gigi, God, etc...the conversation seems to also start at that same spot on our drive. Hmmm!

FaceTime

My kids each got an iPod Touch for Christmas! To say they LOVE them would be an understatement! They loooooooooooooooooooooove them! They have downloaded a lot of games, many of which are just silly games, but most of which are educational! When my brother set up their iPods, he had to assign email addresses to them. The kids' email addresses are funny (little nicknames he has for them!) and it's SO weird to have the kids' names in my contacts on my phone!

As if having their little names in my phone isn't weird enough, receiving CALLS from them (FaceTime) is even crazier! Imagine my surprise to see Lilly's little face pop up on my phone, while she's at my mom's house and I'm at home!! Then, while I was at the grocery yesterday I got an iMessage from Anderson! It's so funny!!!


 

Showing off their new iPods!

Let's Begin...

Happy 2012! Last night JM took me to dinner at a nice little place near home. Dinner was great, conversation was perfect, and to top it off, the Hoosiers WON!  After dinner we came home and played cards with our neighbor friends, Josh and Amanda! It's so nice to have such good friends nearby! The kids stayed the night with Nana, so JM and I took advantage and stayed up late to watch the ball drop! Kissing him at midnight was so special, and I look forward to spending the next 365 days with him! I fall more in love with him each day. And that's no joke!

I am so excited to get this year started! At the risk of jinxing myself, I have to say that the past two years have been absolutely great! Although there have been bumps along the way, for the most part I have really progressed upwardly (is that a word?!). Each year life just seems to come together more easily and things just really feel settled. I absolutely love it!

I look forward to all the exciting things that are in store for us this year. I'm excited for Lilly to get back to school this week. And I am excited to see how much she'll change throughout the rest of the school year. Anderson will start Junior Kindergarten later this year. JM will be moving here in a few months, if all goes as planned. I know 2012 is going to be an amazing year! I cannot wait to see where we all go!