Reflective

I'm emotional today, for no particular reason. I'm not sad. I'm not mad. I'm just emotional. Reflective, perhaps.

I dealt with Lilly's first major heartache yesterday, caused by a boy. Her dad. Thursday, the kids' school is hosting a father's day cookout. Knowing that even if Aaron WANTED to come, the distance (and lack of notice) would make that impossible. During their (not-so-regular-anymore) phone conversation last night, Lilly begged Aaron to come. He explained to her that he had to work and that he wishes he could be there. I told Lilly that I would try to leave work to go, but Lilly shot me a disgusted look and said "but you're a girl, everyone else will have a boy there." She made a valid point, but I assured her that not everyone's daddy would be at the cookout. When she hung up with Aaron, she cried into my chest for a couple minutes, as I fought back my own tears. I always knew there would be days like this-- times when Aaron wasn't going to be here when the kids "needed" him to be. I don't doubt that Aaron wishes he could be here for these types of events, but I don't think that desire for him is greater than his love of living in MN. I don't get it, but then again, it's not for me to understand.

My kids are fine. They're happy babies. They're loved, by many people. They can't control the situation between their parents. They can't make us fall in love again, and they can't change the past. These are two innocent beings who happened to be the beautiful product of a very toxic relationship. I like to think that I do a good job at maintaining normalcy and routine for my kids, now. I know that not everyone will agree with the way I do things, but that's alright. I am doing exactly what I believe is best for me and the kids.