Gaps

I recently had the opportunity to go to the Global Leadership Summit alongside other members from our church. It was a powerful, two-day conference teaching people in all walks of life about leadership. You can see highlights from this year's conference here. 

I was lucky enough to go with my husband and a couple of our close friends from church, so during lunch each day we sat together and discussed the day's lectures. It was no surprise that on the second day, our friend walked out and said "well guys, how do we tell our families that we're quitting our job and changing the world?" It was truly that inspirational. I sat there during the first day and just questioned my job, questioned myself in what role I was taking in being a world changer (none), and have ever-since been devising a plan to get where I want to be in my professional life. 

There were so many incredible speakers at the Leadership Summit, but one that stuck out in my mind was Erica Ariel Fox, the author of Winning from Within. She spoke about Performance Gaps...and the thing that I keep going back to is this idea of "what you do at your best versus what you actually do in real life" It seems that this defines me...I create this idea of what I want to do and where I want to be and how I can change the world (errr, my own life!). But then I have all these reasons why these things just cannot happen. I talk myself out of a change because "I'm a mom and I just crave that stability that I already have in my job," or because "We just bought this new house and we need my income too," or because "I don't know what anything else like that looks like," or because "What if I fail?" or because "I don't even know where to start." 

I feel it in my guts that I can do so much more, but I am so scared of the unknown that I never start anything new. And so continues this gap of what I want to do, what I'm currently doing, where I want to go, and where I'm currently at. This vicious cycle of being "good enough" versus "being better" is killllling my soul. 

I suppose it's time that I "Figure it Out"

The Difference a Vowel Makes

A. E. I. O. U. Simple little letters that make such a difference in the meaning of a word. I've been thinking lately about the words "pray" and "prey" and the difference they can mean in our relationships. One tiny letter squeezed between those other consonants can change everything.

Are you actively praying for your spouse? Or are you preying on his insecurities? My hope is that when my husband confides in me, whether it be an insecurity, a fear, a joy, a dream, a goal, or a worry, my hope is that I am praying for him. I absolutely know I fail at this. I know that I sometimes get wrapped up in my own "stuff" that I fail to pray for him and for his "stuff".... I know that I oftentimes put my own "stuff" before his, and for that I feel terrible. If I am to be the wife that I'm called to be, I should be my husband's biggest cheerleader (minus the short skirt, of course!) and his biggest supporter. No matter the insecurity, no matter how crazy the dream, no matter how small or how large the goal...my husband should feel confident knowing that I believe in him and I will be right there with him supporting and encouraging him. He should know that I'm battling any insecurity or fear that he has alongside him. Can I honestly and whole-heatedly say that this is true of my relationship? Probably not. 

More than that though, I hope that I'm not preying on my husband's insecurities. I hope that I'm not using his words against him. I hope that I'm not throwing things in his face that he has told me in confidence. When he decides to create a silly-to-me obstacle course in our woods, I hope that I show him support and enthusiasm rather than appear board and disinterested. I don't have to love what he's doing and I don't have to fake an interest, but I should at least respect his projects and acknowledge the hard work that he's putting into his hobbies! Again, I know I am far from perfect. I know I have so much to learn. But I hope my husband feels comfortable enough to share things with me and to know that I won't prey on these things during a heated argument. 

Being married is tough work. It's crazy to think that living everyday with your handsome prince could be so difficult, but it is sometimes. But though it all, we are called to love our spouse like Christ loved the church and show grace like we've been shown. Are you praying for your spouse or are you preying on him? 

Father's Day at HOME

We are planners. We are list people. In fact, I'd prefer lined paper to write my lists. And more importantly, I like to see my own handwriting on our lists. So imagine my bonkerness (it's totally a word) this morning when I was getting ready for church (7:48am) and was interrupted by my kids' aunt letting me know that they were at the Minneapolis airport about to board a flight for Chicago O'Hare. Ummm, what?

Let me preface this by telling you that my mom and I drove to Chicago yesterday (fully expecting to get my children), but turned around (after spending more than 6 hrs in Shaumburg, IL) because the kids' flight from MSP was canceled due to bad weather in Minnesota (the entire state of MN totally sucks, let's just call it what it is). After some back and forth with my ex's mom and sister, we made arrangements to meet Monday morning. So clearly, things changed between 11 o'clock last night and 7:48 this morning (hashtag Typical) and I was caught a lil' off guard this morning when I got the alert that my kids would be in Chicago at approximately 9:17am. 

My point in writing this post was to brag on my INSANELY patient husband who, without a second thought, said "welp, we better hit the road."  There were tears and air punches (solely on my behalf) when these abrupt changes happened, and through it all, my ridiculously understanding husband assured me that it was for the best. We would get the kids back sooner than we planned, and we could mosey on with life as normal. Yes. And so we went. Headed to Chicago for a second day in a row. Oy. 

Here's the thing...today is the first Father's Day that we have spent as a family. Last year, we were not yet married, and even though I knew this man would be an exceptional step-dad, I had no idea what was in store for my kids. I didn't yet know that he would be the man to teach my kids to ride bikes without training wheels. I didn't yet know that he would be the man to show my little boy how to skip rocks on a pond or bait a hook. I didn't know yet that my husband would be the man to tell my daughter to read Psalm 148 when she didn't know what else to read in her Bible...that if nothing else, it would tell her to praise God for all His creations and that THAT would be a good thing to fall asleep to at night. I didn't yet know that he would be my ROCK. That he would calm my soul when I felt like my mind would explode. I didn't yet know that he would be the man to introduce me to some of the greatest friends that I'd ever met. I didn't know that he would be the link to making me feel "secure" with our church family. I didn't know that he would be dad to two kids who just want to be home with him on this Father's Day. 

Tonight we sat down as a family of four to dinner. My kids finally made it home, with no help to a perfectly hand-written list on perfectly perforated piece of paper, and we were able to share our "highs and lows" (a nightly ritual) of our day. When both of my kids indicated that their high was being home with Charlie for Father's Day....I knew I had done something exactly right. My guts just burst with excitement at the thought of them feeling "home" with Charlie and feeling that they should be celebrating this day with him rather than anywhere else. I can't even put into words what that does to my heart.
Today I am just so thankful for my husband. I am thankful for the dad he has become and will continue to be. 

Playing Like We Live In The Wild

We've been in our new house for about a week now and I've been intending to write this post for a few days, but something always needed done to the house that I never took the time to write. I'm using one of my remaining 6 PTO days for the month today to stay home and paint the kids' bathroom, but I had to carve out a few minutes to sit here and truly soak in the perfection of this new home.

Before we moved out of my old house, I kept expecting to have this mental breakdown of sorts about leaving our first home. I wrote about the feeling I had thinking that no one liked it enough to buy it. Then when we got the offer, I was just so focused on getting into the new house that I never really stopped to think about leaving the old house. Then the days came where we packed up everything in the old house and I still never had one of those sobbing breakdown moments as I had come to expect. I'm a super dramatic and emotional person- I was hoping for that meltdown moment so I could look back and say "oh it was so hard to leave the house where I had so many firsts,"...I mean, how great would THAT post have been? LOL! Sadly, this is not that post! (Feel free to click out now. I will never know you left.) Haha!

In all seriousness, I think the move was just a  natural step in the right direction for our family. I just can't explain the feeling I have of being in this house, standing at the kitchen sink watching the kids run around the back yard, hearing their little belly laughs, watching Anderson drag a huge log from the woods clear across our yard, and hearing his sister say "we're playing like we live in the wild" while she hides in their (not-so) secret hideout under the deck. Oh my heart. And seeing my handsome husband work on projects here and there, getting "his" garage all put together how he wants it...it's what makes my soul feel good. As I sit here at the kitchen table (which we will use for awhile, as our dining room sits empty and echo-y), looking past the gorgeous yard out into the pond behind out house, snapping pictures of the fat squirrels that chase each other across our deck, I can't help but just thank God for these moments that allow us to make memories as a family. It's not about the walls of this house, it's not about the flooring or the paint colors, or the furniture or the huge windows of this house that I love...it's the people inside and the people with whom I get to spend the coming decades with that make me feel so complete and happy in this new house.

House Update

Well, it's been a few months since I last wrote about selling our house..and good grief was that crushing. We have since made some changes and I am so excited to announce that we finally sold my house! As I mentioned previously, we listed our house during one of the worst winters. More than that though, I think (well, I know!) we listed with the wrong realtors. Charlie and I started having doubts about our realtor when we would see constant facebook posts of him at the bar (in the middle of the day), him sitting at home with his dogs, etc. We didn't worry too much because we were still getting showings, but something just didn't feel right for us. Luckily we were out of contract with this realtor at the end of March. The very next day we listed with our new realtor, Heather. Ah-MAY-ZING. Within one week, we had three offers, and ended up selling the house for nearly full asking price. She was just absolutely awesome to work with. She helped us stage the house, told us what to expect, stayed in constant contact with us, etc. She was just a breath of fresh air after what we had been through in the past six months. I can't say enough great things about her!!! (If you're in the FTW area and looking for a realtor, PLEASE let me know! I'll give you her info! You won't be sorry!)
We are less than a week away from closing on both my house and our new house!! We found a GREAT place that will be absolutely perfect for our family of four (and yes, we will remain ONLY a family of four..don't let our five bedrooms fool you). This house has everything that we both wanted in our new home and I am just so excited to get moved in and settled. We said we wanted a "forever home" together. We wanted a place where we would raise the kids together. A place where our kids would have sleepovers and birthday parties. A place we could invite our friends and family over for BBQ's. A place where we would have family game night, family movie night. A place where out-of-town family and friends could stay. A place that we wouldn't outgrow. This is definitely that place!
I am excited to start this new adventure with my husband and kids. We have had an exciting year and I know things will continue to get busier and crazier, but I truly love that this house is a place for the four of us to grow together in all aspects of our life. I love that I have the three of them alongside me for this next journey.

Your House. My Home.

We've had our (my) house on the market since late fall. Sure, the timing of listing was probably lousy but I think I was just so excited to be taking the next step in my relationship with Charlie that I just jumped in, full force. (And my patient husband is pretty much always supportive of my crazy decisions, no matter the timing, that he didn't object either.) Well almost five months, twenty-some showings, and a few shed tears later the house is still on the market. Tonight I sit here reflecting on some of my first memories of my house...and it hurts my soul to think someone else doesn't love it as much as I do.

You may remember my crazy house debacle a few years back. You can read about it here and here. But once I got settled into my house, it truly became my home. I have lived in this house for more than half of Lilly's life and for most of Anderson's. I have had a first date with my future husband in this house. I have come back to this house as a newlywed. I have sent kids off to first days of school in this house. I have celebrated birthdays of my kids and my cousin and my self in this house. I got ready for my wedding day, in this house.

This house is the first major thing I did after Aaron moved to MN...it was the first step to my independence. It provided the security and the stability that my children so craved and deserved in their very young lives. The sense of pride I had in buying this house, completely on my own, is something I'm not sure I'll ever be able to top. I made changes almost immediately after I moved in...some I maybe regret (read: grass green walls in the dining room), but just knowing that this house was mine and I could do whatever I wanted to it..! My heart and soul is painted, landscaped, and decorated throughout- top to bottom, inside and out. I made this house my home.

As I sit here tonight, devastated that a couple who looked at it for a third time found flaws in it, I struggle with seeing God's plan for my family. I've wanted so badly to sell this house and be able to "start fresh" somewhere as a family of four. I question our motives in selling. I doubt the walls that have held my life together for the past four years. I hold on to a very small sliver of hope that "the right" family will come along and fall madly in love with the place we call home. And yes, I realize how incredibly selfish this all seems...thanks be to God that we have a lovely home that keeps us safe and warm. Tonight I will cling to that thought, over and over, and think of those who are selling their home because they HAVE to, and not just because they choose to. Amen amen amen.

Do Life Differently. Be Different.

I tend to be somewhat negative at times. Probably a lot of the time. Ew. I sometimes oftentimes complain about my sore muscles from the workout with my trainer. I frequently get annoyed with my workload at the office. I occasionally compare myself to people around me. Regularly I discuss my disdain for my those around me the second I get home. Oh, my poor husband. However, when I hear those around me do these same things, I want to stab myself in the eye with a fork. I think to myself, "Oh here she goes again. Complaining again. Really lady? Get OVER it." Yep, that's me. Always quick to point out the flaws in others, easily annoyed with other people's complaints, always deflecting my ugliness. I stink. 

So a couple nights ago, I posted a video on Facebook of my pastor's sons. They have set out on a mission to raise awareness of the water crisis across the world. You can watch here.  But this is not just about the world's water crisis (although, please watch. You will be changed. You will want to DO SOMETHING). So no, this is not just about cute little Isaac and Aaron's mission to help kids across the world (ah, good stuff), but more about little ole' me learning a lesson on what really matters in life (read: a giant smack upside the head to snap me back to reality).

So I thought, what IF I started living a life that matters? What IF I stopped complaining. What IF I stopped sweating the small stuff. What would that look like? What if people didn't come to me to talk negatively? What if they knew that I wasn't going to entertain their negativity anymore? What if I stopped being a part of the problem, and started being part of the movement to improve lives?  

Because at the end of the day, it just doesn't matter how many piles I have on my desk. It doesn't matter that I feel overwhelmed assisting in another department. If I'm doing something to improve someone else's life, I should be rejoicing in my work. It doesn't matter how sore my body is from working out, I'm doing something to improve my health. It shouldn't matter how early I have to wake up to do my Bible study alone without my kids interrupting, because I'm learning more about God's Word, and really isn't that the point? It really shouldn't matter how messy my kids' rooms are every single second, because they were playing together for hours on day nine of school being canceled. And really, shouldn't I be thrilled that they're getting along, making the mess together instead of fighting with each other and crying because they can't go outside in the negative temperatures? So I ask.....

What if, just for today...

You looked at what you have around you and were just simply thankful? 

You looked at your aging parents and thanked God for another day with them? 

You looked into the eyes of your children and only felt the overwhelming love you have for them? 

You looked at your to-do list and were grateful for a career, at a time when many others are unemployed? 

You looked at your co-workers and congratulated them on a success, no matter how big or small? 

You looked at your husband and told him how much you appreciate him, and really really really meant it? 

You called an old friend to tell her you were thinking about her? 

You prayed for someone who you hadn't thought of in years? 

You forgave someone who has hurt you? 

You spent time alone in God's Word? 

What if we spent half as much time lifting someone up as we do putting someone (or yourself) down?

What if we spent as much energy into being happy as we do into complaining? 

What if we spent as much effort into doing something good as we do into worrying about a situation? 

What if we spent as much energy into doing our work as we spend complaining about how much we have to do? 

Today is a new day. It's a chance to be different. It's a chance to be better. It's a chance to start fresh. Be a positive force in the lives of those around us. It's an opportunity to lead. It's a choice. 

I choose to be happy. 

All I Want....

We sang a song today at church that truly moved me to my core. We've sang it many other times before, but for some reason today it just hit me how true and real the lyrics were and what they were saying. The song spoke to me in a way I couldn't fully explain even if I tried. The part in the song that plays over and over in my mind is Jesus, Jesus, All I want is to be like You. Jesus, Jesus, All I want is to be like You. All I want, all I need, is more of You, Less of me. Take this life, Lord it's yours. Have my heart, have it all. I look at those lyrics and I realize I sing my heart out to this song, but I don't live those lyrics even a little bit. I look at my life and I realize I don't live at all like Jesus. I don't put Him before Gretchen. My pastor made a good point this morning and it keeps replaying in my mind over and over. He said "If you spent more time looking through your friend's vacation album on Facebook yesterday than you spent in The Word, then you're not spending enough time with God." Ouch. I spend a lot of time on social media. I've gotten better about not doing it when the hubbs or the kids are around (and boy do I still have a ways to go), but I still check Facebook or my email first thing in the morning before I even open my Bible.
I don't even know what else to say. I guess I just realize I have so much to work on. I'm a little disappointed in myself knowing the sacrifice that He made for me, and I don't even spend half the time in the Word that I do on Facebook. It's pathetic.

Little Baby Toofers!

Anderson finally lost his first little tooth!!! The little thing had been wiggly for weeks and I feared that he would lose it in Minnesota over Christmas break, but thankfully it held on! After a brief freak out (from me and Lilly, not from Anderson) about the blood, Charlie managed to yank the booger out and there it was! Andy's first tooth! Oh it was the most perfect little tooth! Soooo tiny! 

In our house we "grow" our teeth in water. We don't do the traditional tooth-under-the-pillow. I have NO idea how this started other than I know my mom used to do that with our teeth...looking back I think it's because my mom went to bed early and we were light sleepers (much like my kids). Whatever. It makes sense. And that's what we do! 

Well yesterday, Anderson plopped his tooth in a glass of water and placed it on the counter. The tooth fairy always delivers money during the night, so he left the glass there and went on with his day. The evening went on much like any other night. I made dinner while the kids played. And then we ate dinner. We were all sitting on the couch later that night when Andy mentioned something about his tooth. And it hit me. His tooth. His tooth. In that glass of water. I covered my mouth in shock. The kids looked at my giant eyeballs, my husband searching for an answer. "Charlie, in the kitchen. Kids, stay here." I walked into the kitchen and realized that I had dumped that glass of water, with Anderson's first little tooth in it. It was gone. Down the drain.....

And so I did what any good mother would do. I found Lilly's first tooth and plopped IT  into a glass of water. 

Blizzard Shmlizzard

This polar vortex (even the name angers me) messed up a lot more than just the roadways in this area. For the past five days, I have been a hottttt messss because I've been without my kids.
Saturday morning, Aaron and I arranged to meet in Chicago so I could get the kids back from their MN vacation. Charlie and I left bright and early, trying to beat the blizzard-like weather that was headed our way. We made it two hours into our trip when we learned that Aaron was trapped in MN due to icy roads and wouldn't be able to make the drive to Chicago. My heart was broken, but I knew he was doing what was best for the kids. Of course I didn't want them to be in danger on the road. After a brief meltdown in the gas station parking lot (behind sunglasses of course), Charlie and I turned back around and headed to Fort Wayne, knowing it would be at least three days until one of us would be able to make it back to Chicago. Heartbroken doesn't even begin to describe it.
Seventeen inches of snow fell that following day. Charlie and I made the most of our time stuck at home...lots of shoveling, tons of Redbox movies, way too much take-out, and lots of moping around about being unable to get to the kids. Day one of work being canceled passed us by. Again...movies, shoveling, eating...it was fun for the first 24 hours. Then Tuesday came and we were once again surprised with closures at work, but with that excitement came the realization that they were closed because of the horrific road conditions. The kids flew in from MSP to ORD Tuesday morning. Their flight arrived at ORD at 10:09 am. My brother (aka MY HERO) met them at the airport to swoop them up and take them to his place until Charlie and I made it there later that afternoon...except that never happened. We woke up Tuesday morning to frozen pipes. The ridiculously low temperatures the night before (oh say at least -40 with the windchill) had left our waterways inaccessible. And more than just not being able to shower, we had to get the pipes thawed out before we could hit the road for Chicago. We did not want to come home to busted pipes. Three hours later, we had water again and were on the way to reunite with my precious babies! Two seconds into the trip I realized this was going to be nearly impossible. My husband (my very very very patient husband) pulled onto the nearby highway that would take us 93 miles into our three hour trip...three cars in ditches, one fishtail of our own in which we barely missed a passing pickup, and a lot of "hunny slow down"s from me, we decided that it just wasn't worth it. We could not risk the drive. A call to my brother letting me know he could keep them for the night, many texts back and forth to my mom telling her the road conditions, and one MAJOR meltdown from me on the side of the road, and my husband and I were headed back towards home, once again, without my babies.
I can honestly say I've never felt the emotions that I felt that day. I sat there in the car thinking that I was the worst mother in the universe...I mean, what mother would go an extra five days of not seeing her kids? What mom would let a little blizzard keep her from getting her kids back from their ten-day-vacation? What mom would just give in and turn around for a second time? It sounds overly dramatic, I realize that...but my heart was shattered. My eyes were swollen from crying, my hands were wet with sweat, my face was pale from the fear of the short drive we'd done in the horrible road conditions...but mostly, my heart just ached with pain. I needed to touch the little faces of the only two people that really mattered in that moment. I needed to kiss the cheeks off those perfect little faces that I hadn't seen in almost two weeks.
My brother (see also, hero) had the kids so I was able to FaceTime with them a couple times. He sent me pictures of them and kept me updated on everything they were doing.  First thing this morning, Charlie made the trip to Chicago to get Lilly and Anderson. I had to work, but Charlie kept me updated on the road conditions, which were still pretty crummy today and he let me know the very instant that he had the kids and was heading home with them. A precisely 5:04pm today, I pulled into my driveway and out ran four little legs of the two most beautiful babies I've ever seen in my whole life. I can honestly say that I think they were just as happy to see me as I was to see them. It was the best reunion I've ever had.
It was hard to let them out of my site tonight. And it was even harder putting them to bed. I wanted to keep them up late, but they were both snoozing off on the couch. Anderson was all cuddled up on Charlie and Lilly was all nestled up on me. For the first time in the past five days I feel like myself again. My family is all back together and I pray it is a very long time before we're all separated again.

Thank you Dear Lord for keeping my family safe over these past few days. Thank you for being with my husband as he traveled today, and for the patient man that he is. Thank you for the happiness that my kids experience and thank you for keeping them comfortable during these transitional times. Thank you for my brother, for his love of my kids, and for the protection that he brought to them. Thank you for blessing me with family like this- family who helps out at a moment's notice, without even thinking twice. Thank you for bringing my family back together today and for the days we get to spend together again. 

They're All Gone

I typically write on the eve of my kids' long trip to MN. I guess since they weren't in MN all summer (you remember that fiasco), I was a littttttttttle ready for the long break. I realize that sounds like the worst thing a mother should say. But after the hectic (yet amazing) year that we've had, I was ready for the break from reality. The kids in MN, my husband in MT. It was the seemingly perfect setup for a stressed out, tired, and emotionally drained mom and wife.....Except that it wasn't. Less than an hour after I was home from dropping the kids off in Chicago, I sat down thinking that I would relax with a bottle of wine, a romcom from Redbox, and put the cleaning that I promised myself I would do while they were gone off until tomorrow. And then I got a text from our realtor saying that we had a showing the next day! Oh brother! So I put the wine away, paused the movie, and got to cleaning. Of course my house isn't terribly messy, but there were Christmas presents that needed homes in our already crowded house, kids' sheets to wash, and clean clothes from the laundry to put away. A few hours later, I was done. Ready to relax. Except that I didn't. It was almost 9:30pm and I took my lonely self upstairs and went to bed.
Every time the kids leave, I think of all these great plans I'll make. The friends I'll catch up with. The tasty restaurants I'll try out. I think of the cleaning I'll get done. The naps I'll take. But I never do any of those things, and then before I know it the kids are back and we're back to the chaotic day-to-day routines that are our lives! And I kinda love it. 

2014

This year was the second time I put my blog link on our family Christmas cards. In the past, it was a great way for out-of-town family to keep connected. This year, my intention is to be much more family-focused and less Gretchen-focused on my blog (don't worry peeps, I promise not to write about every little milestone my kids cross...although Anderson is about to lose his first tooth and I'd be lying to say I'm not a wee bit sad about the enormity of this. So don't be too disappointed to read about the loss of my baby's lateral incisor. You've been warned.) This blog never started out with a greater purpose. It was simply me putting down my day-to-day journey through my un-directed life. Now I realize how much more there is to this life and I don't want to miss anything about it. As with every year, my goal is to document more. More of our marriage. More of my kids' growth. More of our family joys. More of our real (messy) life. Oh I absolutely love our life.  If ya'll don't mind, I'd like to write a quick note to each member of my little family and let them know what they've meant to me over the past year and where I hope we'll all go in the coming months...

Lilly, 
You are my absolute true joy. You are so much like me, good and bad, that it sometimes scares me. I've seen you grow so much over the past year. You've accepted the changes that have been thrown your way this year with mostly grace. I feared so much at what my marriage may have done to your growing mind and changing heart. I worried that you would feel unneeded, unloved, confused, or even angry. I've not seen these things in your behaviors, and if I'm being completely honest I'm a little shocked. I'm not sure I could handle these changes at such a confusing young age. I'm proud of you. And thank you for all you've done for our family over the past year. You continue to be my very best friend...I wish it would stay that way forever! You're a very pretty little girl! You change before my eyes daily. I've watched you become quite the little writer this year, even starting your own blog and writing in many different journals. You are so incredibly helpful with your brother, especially at school and with the bus (Bus 2 Bubbs!) I love seeing your beautiful soul. My hope for this coming year is that you continue to write, that you continue sharing your heart with people around you. My hope is that you'll come to me and Charlie with any problems or concerns that you have and that you always know that your heart is safe with us. And most of all,  I hope you and your brother get along better this year! Hehehe!

Anderson, 
My little gem. I've watched you grow so much this year into the little boy who now touches frogs, dreams of owning an ATV, and has a very good man in his life to mimic. I apologize for the things I made you miss out on in the past...but I never really liked frogs or slimy things! I'm grateful that you have Charlie for those things now! hehehe! I'm proud of your educational milestones. You're a smart little man and I'm SO proud of you for that. You are so goofy, and though sometimes we have to muffle it a bit, my hope is that you'll never lose that personality. You pick up on things so quickly and you can build a Lego set like it's nobody's business! Holy cow! It's super awesome! My hope for you over the next twelve months is that you continue learning every single day. That you use your silly behavior for good. That you continue loving me like every son should love his mommy. I pray that you appreciate the things we have in life. I hope you discover more and more "manly" things with Charlie, and most of all I hope and pray that you don't break a bone doing something crazy! (and stop telling me I'm afraid of everything. Trampolines ARE dangerous and you're NOT getting a bike with shocks this year so stop asking!)

Charlie, 
My one true love. This past year has been incredible, emotional, overwhelming, romantic, special, and even hard. You continue to stick with me, support me, and love me. You are as patient as one man can possibly be. You have given up your house, your dogs, and everything you've known for the past 31 years, all to move here with us. You have gone from a single, simple man to a husband and a father of two crazy babies.  I have learned so much from you. Your faith. Your patience. Your behavior. You have shown me what true love means and you've made me feel safe and protected. My hope for you over the next year is that you'll continue growing in our marriage. I hope that you'll continue to lead our family in a way that is Christ-honoring. I hope that you never stop learning, never stop studying me, never stop growing in your faith. I pray that you continue to learn what your role is as a father to Lilly and Anderson, and the enormity that it is. I pray that God blesses our family, our marriage, and these kids in ways we never imagined. 


Happy New Year's, all.

The Best Present

Before I met Charlie, I never imagined that I would find someone who would truly love and adore my kids enough. I have very high expectations, especially when it comes to loving my kids, and it just never occurred to me that someone could actually live up to those expectations. Of course I realized very early on (read: the first night) that Charlie was absolutely amazing and would be a WONDERFUL boyfriend, but I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would be such a loving dad to my kids. Everything in my relationship with Charlie moved extremely quickly (engaged after just three months, married four months after that), even meeting my kids. I had a very strict six-month rule. I would never bring someone that I was dating around my kids until I was "sure" about him. I can honestly say that only one other man besides their dad ever met my kids. Obviously, something about Charlie made me want to break my six-month rule. The first time Charlie spent time with my kids, it was when we took Anderson to a hockey game for his fifth birthday. I sit here reflecting on that night because my baby Anderson turns six tomorrow. It's incredible to think back to last year. I was so nervous about taking Charlie on this little outing with Anderson, but at the same time, I knew Anderson wouldn't want to just go with boring ole' mom. Little did I know Anderson would be Charlie's little buddy and I would hold a little less special place in his teeny tiny heart. Flash forward to this Christmas....

You know how your kids always make cute little gifts at school around the holidays? It's always an ornament with their little face plastered on a popsicle stick or a piece of foam shaped in the shape of a star. Regardless, I was looking forward to this present this year...but it never came! Instead, I walked in the door one evening and noticed a box under the tree that read To: Charlie From: Anderson  Thinking that my present MUST be under the tree somewhere too, I started digging around only to discover that there was no present for me. I asked Charlie about the gift from Anderson and he just laughed, "I don't know babe! He didn't mention one for you." Ummm, WHAT? My thoughts went a little something like "EXCUSE ME? I BIRTHED YOU, SON!" So I did what any normal mom would do. I ripped open the taped box, (carefully of course) to see what my son made for Charlie. And that's when it happened....Full. On. Meltdown. It was one of those ugly cries, desperate for some empathy from my husband, crushed that surely this mean my son loves me less.

So there we are, Christmas morning. THE gift comes out. I see Anderson run to Charlie to give him the taped box. I sense Charlie looking at me from the corner of his eyes, a slight grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and watched two of my favorite men sitting close, opening this box. And it hit me...this love is exactly what I wanted. This was the relationship I had prayed for, even long before I met Charlie. And in only one year, the two most important boys in my life were buddies. I couldn't have asked for a better present.

Christmas with the Coynes!

Yesterday, we celebrated our first Christmas together as a family of four! It's so crazy to think that just last year at this time, Charlie and I were newly dating, texting 1500 times a day, and absolutely infatuated with each other after only spending a few days together. I looked back at a picture of the kids and me from last Christmas and although life has always been good with my kids, it's awesome to know that things have changed so much for all of us this year. Having Charlie in our lives has been a true blessing. He has brought the "boy" out in Anderson, he's shown Lills how a good man behaves, and he's been a rock for me and this family. (It goes without saying that there have been struggles, of course.)
Yesterday was my first Christmas with the Coynes and it was just as great as I imagined it would be. Last year I remember getting all these texts from Charlie and facebook messages from his sister telling me that I should go over and meet the whole family. WHOA! Although I definitely would have if I could, I just couldn't slip away from my family Christmas to go meet everyone. But this year, being a part of that Coyne family Christmas, was perfect. I'm so grateful for such amazing in-laws. I know not everyone gets so lucky! The day was great and it was the perfect way to kick of the Christmas week!

Sunny Days Are Ahead

I have said a thousand times over that I feel like we go through things in life to teach us a lesson...not that God is punishing us and making us "learn our lesson" but rather to go through things and learn from them and react in a way that is honoring to Him. I also believe that sometimes we are used as examples to other people. That we go through situations and that, even if we don't learn from our situation, that someone else may be watching and learning from us. I know that I've failed at this so many times. I know that I've questioned situations a lot. I also know that it's all coming full circle in my life now.
I oftentimes wonder why I had two children with a person who was a drug addict. How did that happen to me? I would question God..."God why would you put me in a relationship with someone so abusive and sick?" Looking back, I guess I got mad at God for that. I remember though, going to the Family Program at the treatment center in MN that Aaron was at. I remember meeting a man who Aaron took to pretty much right away. "Karl with a K" he would say. Karl with a K was a bit older than Aaron...he had kids Aaron's age, in fact. But for whatever reason, Karl took Aaron under his wing and during my weekend at the treatment center I got the chance to learn a lot about Karl. I just remember thinking "Shut up! We have SO much in common!" And whether or not that was true, it just showed me that God put people in my life at that time that I could relate to. Karl became a friend. I thought about him often when I came back home. In fact, after both Aaron and Karl got out of treatment, Karl hired Aaron to come work for him. When my kids would go to MN to visit Aaron, Karl would hang out with my kids. The kids called him Uncle Karl! To this day I am thankful for the opportunity to meet him...even if it was at a drug and alcohol treatment center!
My point with that story is that I truly believe each person comes into our life for a reason. And I believe that each situation serves a lesson. My life with Aaron seems like a hundred years ago. And although I have few good memories of my years with him, I know that I went through it all with him for a reason. I have had so many close friends struggle with a loved one's addiction. I have heard stories of other girls who are in a seemingly hopeless relationship. I know that each of them have to find their own way, but it hurts my guts to know what they're going through. I want to fast forward life for each of them and show them that it will get better. They will find their way out of this exhausting roller coaster and they will look back and wonder why they wasted so many tears. It seems that so many addicts have the same story. I have seen this with the two addicts in my own life. I see the disappointment that my own dad has caused and I've seen the damage Aaron has done too. It would be impossible to ignore the similarities between the two. My prayer is that my story can be a motivational one for other people. It is possible to go on. That first year without Aaron was the hardest time of my life, but I look at where I am now and I know that I'm only "here" because of what I went through then. I learned things about myself that I never knew existed. I humbled myself in ways that I never imagined having to do. I did it all because I had no other choice. I had two tiny little babies depending on me and counting on me to keep it together. And although there were dark days, we made it through and the sun is now shining brighter than ever before.

Five On Friday? Five For Friday? Hive Five Friday? FRIDAY!

1) We have a showing on the house tomorrow! I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this because the house has had many other showings now (errr, at least 5...in the past month and a half). Ugh whatever! But, I can't help but feel like maybe this one could be different? Only time will tell, huh? 

2) The past week has been blah for me. I have been feeling a lil funny....sick, I suppose. After three nights of going to bed less than 45 minutes after my kids, I am starting to feel on the mend. I'm thinking it's mostly weather-induced (I loathe cold temperatures!). I'm seriously considering a happy lamp. I could picture myself perched contently under the fake rays for a little mood-lift at the end of every night! (I promise to post pictures if I go to this extreme.)

3) Three of my girlfriends from high school and I have started an online bible study. This being our first one, we're keeping it small. But I'm excited to see where this goes for us. We're all tainted girls with an ugly past (ugh, stupid college years!), but we're all Christians now and it's so awesome to see how God has brought us all together again to share in this journey.

4) Have I mentioned how grateful I am that my husband didn't get deployed this Fall? I am so thankful that he's home every day with us and helps as much as he does. I should tell him to this more often. I'll start today. #beintentional

5) I start back working out with my trainer next week. I'm scared. Happy. Anxious. Tired. And sore just thinking about it. I'm so happy to be getting off my booty and to be getting back into a routine with her, but if I'm being totally honest, I don't love (or even like) working out. I have a new love for yoga, but I don't even do that regularly anymore. I should really commit to things better. Maybe I'll start that today too. Eh. Tomorrow. (And you see how I've gained so much weight since my wedding). #oink

God's Provisions

It was hard to go back to work yesterday after the four day weekend. Can I get an Amen? It was harder than the normal Monday. It was harder than the normal four-day-weekend-Monday. It was one of those mornings where I wanted to lay in bed, kicking and screaming "no! I won't go!" until I finally got my way. Well, that didn't happen (the getting my way, not the kicking and screaming- that really did happen). So I went to work and did what I do. But I sit here today (at the coffee shop) thinking again about how I don't want to go to work today. I want to sit here and write all day long. And I want to read the hilarious (yet somehow educational) book that I bought Sunday. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire others. But I don't know how that can happen. I don't know how I can fully vest myself in that without changing a lot of other things in my life. And I'm 99% sure my husband is panicking while reading this right now, fearing that I'm going to quit my job and spend 9 hours a day at the coffee shop writing and reading. (Calm down hubbs, I won't do that!)

My mother-in-law is moving across the country in just a few short weeks. She's going to Scobey, MT...population 1074, to teach kids about Jesus. Ahhh! She is seriously AH-MAY-ZING! If there ever was an inspirational  person in this world, it's my mother-in-law. She felt that God was maybe calling her in a different direction in life, so she took a two week vacation for some clarity, and came back and announced to her family that she was moving! She doesn't know how it will all work out, and she really hasn't figured out all the details, but she is trusting that God will provide and that this is what He's calling her to do. I mean, if you're gonna move across country to a teeny tiny town, twenty miles from Canada (or whatever is it), it better be for a good reason (Hey Jesus!). I just admire her courage. I admire her strength. And I admire her faith in the Lord and for trusting in His provisions. And...I want that. I want to love like that. I want to trust like that. I want faith like that. I want to do what I am passionate about in life like she has done over the past 25 years of her life. 

"The longer the journey, the higher the risk, the greater the need for provision." 

One Day At A Time

I woke up early this morning and was looking back through old Facebook posts. I came across two things from late 2009, early 2010. The first was a Rick Warren quote that my old worship pastor sent me. It said "If God answered your prayers immediately, you'd begin thinking God was a big vending machine: put in a prayer,  pull out whatever you want."  Then I also stumbled upon a song that I had posted by Corey Smith called "One day at a time." I'm listening to that song on repeat (thirteen year old girl style!) as I write this and it takes me back. I thought back to what was happening in my life during that time. Aaron had come back from treatment in late October, 2009. It was hard. Really hard. At that point we had been together (and I use that term very loosely...we had always had a very toxic relationship filled with breakups and makeups...extremely unstable) for about four years.  I guess at that time, I thought treatment had "fixed him" and he would come home and we would be a perfect family of four. I had done some work in my own life and I guess I assumed he had worked on "Aaron the boyfriend" and "Aaron the dad" along with "Aaron the addict." I remember begging for God to work through us and rebuild our family. I remember thinking "Nothing's happening. Nothing is different. Our family is broken." And that was it. Our family of four was not meant to be. It wasn't in the cards. And I spent the next year working through that in my mind. I basically wasted the year of 2010!
Flash forward to today. I look at how different my life is. I can't help but look at that post from 2009 and realize exactly why my worship pastor sent me that quote. I was praying my guts out for God to give me my family. I sooo badly wanted my family to work..to just BE. There were so many times in those years that I felt so lonely. I couldn't understand why God wouldn't want Aaron and I to be together. I couldn't see why God wouldn't just give me what I thought I wanted. Oh how naive I was! I see now why God made me wait. I look at my sleeping babies this morning and I know that their hearts are happy. I know why God made me go at parenting alone for awhile. And I thank God daily  for making me wait for my husband. I look at my marriage, and yes it's flawed, but my husband adores this family. I have a Godly man. I have a man who will love my kids and me like it's his job. I have the marriage and the family that God designed perfectly for me over time. How great is our God!

Marriage 101?

It's Marriage 101...you do not put yourself in situations that are dishonoring to your spouse. You don't put yourself in a situations that would make any other person question your intentions and motives. I can say that in my own experience, as someone who has a lot of guy friends, that this is something in the early stages of my relationship that I thought I might struggle with. Girls are catty and mean (don't act like you don't agree)! It was always easier to be friends with guys. I remember something the first Pastor at Sonrise (who has since passed away) said in one of his messages probably 4 years ago...he said that no matter what, we would never see him with another woman unless his wife was there. He would never have an "innocent" lunch with another woman than his wife. He would pastor to everyone in the church, but if it was a female coming to him about a marriage problem, a relationship issue, etc.. he would refer her to a female pastor on staff.  I remember thinking how cool that was...that his wife never had to worry that an innocent lunch might make her look bad to other people, or that a friendly text message might be misconstrued by the receiver. Her marriage was safeguarded by her husband. Ahhh, that must be refreshing, I thought.

As an almost-5-month married gal, I'm finding the same to be true in my marriage. My husband would never put himself in a situation that would make me question him. I never wonder who he's with or who is texting him throughout the day. And in the same way, I've had to cut out some of my friendships with guys (especially a lot of my ex boyfriends that I've managed to stay friends with over the years) because when you're married, those friendships just take a different priority in life....towards the back. New friendships with men aren't even an option outside of my marriage. Of course this isn't saying that my husband and I don't have friends of the opposite sex, but I guarantee if I got a text from a guy or an email from an old guy friend, my husband would be the first to know about it. I have nothing to hide. I am an open book. My husband has the password to every account I have (facebook, emails, twitter, etc) and he knows that he could look into any account anytime and never find anything I've hid from him. I refuse to build my marriage on distrust, dishonor, and unfaithfulness. I have seen too many marriages fail because of this and I won't stand for it in my own marriage. 

I have a couple people in my life who have confided in me over the past year about troubles in their marriage. And while I ache for their tumultuous relationship, I can't help but feel a little insensitive about it. I have a girl who swears that her marriage has been doomed for years...after being together for a decade before they even got married, now five years into their marriage, she has been unfaithful. When she tells me it was an accident and it wasn't intentional, I can't help but remind her that she intentionally sent hundreds of text messages to a man other than her husband. And while her relationship with this other man may have began innocently, the fact remains that she didn't cut it off after it crossed a point of betrayal. I can say all I want to her about what I think she should do to get her marriage back on track, but what do I know? I've only been married 5 months! (that's what she tells me!)
But my marriage values aren't something my husband and I just created. The values and promises in our marriage are rooted in God's Word. You can read anywhere about how temptation will destroy a marriage. You can read about how the heart does things that sometimes we can't even understand. Jeremiah 17:9 says The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it? It's saying that it's the nature of our heart to be drawn towards sinful ways. We fall into a routine and we forget and forsake God. It's a CHOICE we have to make every single day. We have to ask God to help our heart and guide it in the right way...a way that is honoring to Him.
Without faith, it's clear to see how so many marriages fail. Without some moral compass, and not the humanly kind, I can see how it would be easy to get lost. When I see people push me away because of the things I say to them (which are things that are rooted in the Word of the Lord)...and I see them not want to turn to God's wonderful way, I see how it would be easy to lose hope. 

WWYD

A little play on the WWJD, WWYD is my new mantra (okay honestly I just made that up). WWYD is What Would You Do?! Did I really make that up?  So I was sitting here at the coffee shop and overheard a girl on the phone talking to her insurance agent. She said she's moving to Mexico next week to work in an orphanage as an assistant teacher. It got me thinking about how many opportunities I've missed out on...not because I turned them down, but because I haven't sought out these opportunities. The accessibility to just pack up and move to another country isn't exactly what it might have been for me ten years ago, I get that. But there are things I could be doing in my day-to-day life that I'm just not doing...opportunities to change lives, improve relationships, and be a "someone" to someone other than myself.
See, I think so often I get caught up in the mundane repetitiveness of my life that the idea of stepping outside of that scares me. And the fear of not knowing what "out there" looks like holds me back from taking a peak at what might be.
I posted on FB the other day that even certain FONTS were starting to bore me. I'm bored with my life. I LOVE my husband and my family, of course. They don't bore me, obviously. That would be impossible...have you met my family?! But my job, my interactions (or lack thereof) with other people, etc. I feel like there's something I'm missing. I think there's something else I should be doing. I have said this for the past four years...I LOVE my job. I love the people I work with. I seriously DO like what I do. But...it's become...repetitive, habitual, it's become a job rather than something I enjoy. I don't feel like I'm making a difference anymore.
I was talking to a dear friend this morning and he recommended that I read 1 Thessalonians 4:11. He paraphrased it like this:  "Inspire to lead a quiet life, to mind your own bid-ness, to work with your hands. Make it your goal, your ambition, to lead (live) a quiet (peaceful) life." Ah yes, how awesome? So my mission over the next few weeks will be finding how to do this and finding what this looks like for me and my family.