He Chose ME

I think a lot about my kids. And how they're all mine. And how everything I do, impacts them. I like to think that every choice I make comes after considering how it will affect them. Sure sometimes I make mistakes...some minor, some not so minor. Regardless, my babies love me. Probably because they're so young, and I don't doubt that eventually they will hate me (or at least feel like they hate me) because that's what kids do. No matter how hard I try, I'm never going to be a perfect parent. I'll screw up the words to a song, or I'll make breakfast wrong, or I'll tuck them in too tight. I'll get mad over little things and I'll use hurtful words, and I'll take out my frustrations on my precious babies, even when they don't deserve it. Because I'm not perfect.

Something that I'm really trying to remind myself, over and over, is that I was chosen to raise my Lilly and my Anderson. God chose me. He knew that I could handle it. He knew that even through all the mistakes, all the frustrations, all the good and the bad, I'd be able to raise these two kids. How. Humbling. Is. That?
When my daughter has difficult days and tests my patience, I need to remind myself that I was the chosen one. That she and I were paired up for a reason. That we were hand-picked to be together. Even after the really hard days, the days where my abilities as a parent are challenged, I have to remind myself that there's a reason for it all. There's a reason that I'm parenting without a partner. I know I'm never alone...not just figuratively speaking. I know I always have help...be it my mom, Aaron, my brothers, my cousin, etc...I am never alone. But even beyond all that, I have my God, guiding me, protecting me, trusting me, and helping me. He is with Lilly, even on the really tough days, working her through this phase (God, please let it be a phase!). We're going to get through it. He chose me.

Follow Along

You know when you don't have anything special to write about so you just cram everything into one big blob of a post? Well, that's what you're getting today!

• The weather has been AMAZING lately and the kids have ABSOLUTELY LOVED wearing shorts and dresses. I can bribe Lilly into doing just about anything (read: cleaning MY bedroom, making MY bed, etc) by letting her wear a dress and sandals. Mom-Perk, woot woot!
• The kids are going with my mom to Chicago this weekend so I can spend Saturday night with my absolute favorite cousin! We'll be celebrating Megan's 30th birthday with a viewing of The Hunger Games, followed by dinner and wine that night! Yay!
• Also this weekend, JM is coming to town. It's been a VERY VERY VERY long eight weeks without seeing his face. No people (Gretchen), this does NOT change anything. We're still not a couple and there are no plans of that changing. This is simply two friends, spending a nice quiet evening together, enjoying one another's company. Nothing. More.
• Who's pumped to watch IU Friday night? ME! ME! ME!
• Have I mentioned lately how much I ADORE my precious son?! He is a gem! I was laying in bed this morning and saw Anderson get up to use the bathroom. When he finished, I "psst'ed" for him to come into my room (but quietly, so Lilly wouldn't here...that girl NEEDS her sleep!) and crawl into bed with me! He just smiled a big cheesy smile and climbed in and snuggled his little booty into me! I miss our snuggle time! He's the absolute BEST cuddler IN THE WHOLE WORLD! I love it! (This cuddle time was quickly interrupted by my not-a-morning-person daughter!)
• I spent a couple hours this morning with my dear friend Shannon and her presh little baby Kinslee! Kinslee is A-DORE! Here's a cute pic of her!

"Stop taking my pic Auntie Gretchy!"



PERRRFECT PIGGIES!

Spring Spring Spring!

Let's just say my family is SO ready for this lovely weather to stick around! Here are some pictures from this weekend!

Such a cool little man! 

Precious Ava

Lilly and Chloe, being silly girls! 

Anderson, Ava, Lills, and Chlo Chlo

Is it me, or does she look WAY older than 5? 

My pretty little girl! 

The kids, watering our only blooming flower! 

Lilly, on the way to the baptism

"I believe in God, Mom!"

Tonight our church put on an incredible celebration! Every summer we do a baptism in the pond in front of our church, but since so many people had been asking to do it other times than just the summer they decided to do one tonight inside the church. The "party" started at 6pm, and everyone was invited and encouraged to come, even if you weren't one who was going to be baptized. There would be tons of worship, lots of food, and so much to celebrate. Since the kids and I go to the one in the summer, or we have for the past two years, I figured we'd go tonight too!
It was more incredible than I could have imagined it to be!! There were tons of middle school and high school students there, as this was the time that they usually meet for F.U.E.L (their "youth group"). And I can't even begin to explain the high energy that the youth in our church give off! It's INCREDIBLE! There was MAD worshiping, people being baptized, and just people celebrating! It was awesome! When all of those who had signed up were finished being baptized one of our pastors asked if there were any other people, who had not already signed up, that wanted to be baptized. Everyone was pretty quiet...and then Anderson, sitting to my right, stood up on his chair and raised his hand. I told him to sit down, that he didn't understand what being baptized meant, and he said "I believe in God, Mom. I want to be baptized." No. Joke. I just smiled, and said "well then you can be baptized."....and so he was. Pastor Scott interrupted the worship band after a song and baptized my little Anderson. Four other middle school students followed after Anderson's lead and were also baptized.
I cannot explain how proud I am of Anderson. Sure, he doesn't understand fully what it means to be baptized. And even on the way home he asked more questions...and that's okay. I am proud of him for standing up (quite literally) and saying that he believes. If my kids can be half as excited about Christ as the youth in our church are, then I will be a happy mother.

I love my church. I love the people there. I love what it stands for. I love what I get from it. I love that I can be a part of something so incredible. I truly feel like it's not about just going through the motions at my church- it's about feeling something and doing something about it.

"Make me pretty!" Said The House

I wrote awhile back about some changes that are happening at work, and I'll spare you with the details. But basically, I have a whole new title. I'm excited for the changes, grateful to be working, and excited to be doing it with the same people I've worked with for the past few years. With that said, I can't help but be a tiny bit disappointed. Basically, there was a possibility that I could be transferring to another campus...in Bowling Green, KY. While this would have been a decision that I would have had to make on my own-- whether or not to put my house on the market and move away from everything that I've ever known-- I was willing to do it, if it meant keeping my job with RMEC. I love my job. I cannot stress that enough! (Are you SO sick of me talking about how much I love it?!) ANYWAY...to make a long story short, I'll be doing a completely different job, but I still have a job with RMEC and I couldn't be happier! (And there's a raise!)

Well, when I thought that I MIGHT have to put my house on the market, I contacted a local realtor (whom I LOVED by the way) to see what we could do with my house. He assured me that I would be able to list it well above what I paid for it, and I was secretly a wee bit excited at the idea of selling my house. (or maybe I was more excited to make money off my house!) But now that I won't be listing my house, I feel like I need to do a little work around here. There are a few minor changes that need to happen, and even more major changes that I want to do. I know that once I put it in writing, it will motivate me to start working towards getting them done. So, here's my list o' changes for the Hahn-Scudder Abode.

• ceiling fan for master bedroom
• landscaping
• front door
• counter tops for all three bathroom vanities
• kitchen counter tops
• back splash for kitchen
• new flooring in kitchen, entry, and downstairs bath
• new windows (eeeek!)
• change outdoor lighting
• new front door
• outside furniture for front porch
• fence in backyard
• deck (or stamped cemented slab)
• repaint bright green dining room
• new lighting in all three bathrooms
• new stove
• new dishwasher
• new "breakfast table"

Okay, so my list got a little bit outta control, but..that's basically EVERYTHING that I need to do to my house. Some of these things could be knocked out in a short weekend, some of them are ones that will have to take some major budgeting and planning. But...this is MY house. I WANT to make it as great as I can! I'm excited to start on this list!! Wish me luck (and feel free to help me with ANY of it!)!!!

Spring is Near!

Look! Our tulips are starting to grow!

Crazy babies!

HEEEEY!

Oh Yes I Did!

This weekend I...

• climbed into the dreaded attic to retrieve some Easter decor.
• changed the lights in the garage, and even FIXED (or at least I hope I did) the garage door opener. 
• learned how to put air in bike tires (had NO idea it was THAT easy!). 
• learned how to exchange the propane tank for the grill. 
• learned how to connect the propane tank TO the grill!
• took the kids to the park to ride bikes and play on the playground!
• spent time with my neighbors!
• heard an amazing sermon that was 100% applicable to my life at this point (always seems to work that way, huh? Coincidence?). 
• bought Anderson his first pair of Pumas! They're adore!
• vowed to stop cut back on drinking wine (after tomorrow's season finale of The Bachelor, of course!)!
• reeeeeeeeally missed my cousin (cannot wait to vacation with her soon!)!
• listened to Lilly read a TON of books!
• made an amazing Sunday-night dinner! (For those of you who know me well, you know I don't cook...this should be rewarded!)!

And I continue to rant...

So I was talking to my dear friend about my blog from yesterday. We were talking about how there's been such a shift in the maturity of men over the years. It's sad because he's a guy and even he agrees that something has changed in men. We were talking about how just because a guy is grown, doesn't make him a man.Just because he has a decent job, doesn't mean he'll be a good provider. Just because he's kind, doesn't mean he'll be a good partner. Just because he's there, doesn't mean he's committed.

My friend was asking me my take on it. Why do I think guys are so different than they were in the past? I have no idea. I kinda feel like every guy in my life is the same. It's a terrible generalization, but I honestly don't see many differences in any of them. I don't want to play the "dad-card" here, but I can't help but recognize the holes in the first male relationship I had. Although I was a bit of a "daddy's girl"...I still experienced countless disappointments from him. Perhaps as children we have extremely high expectations of our parents, especially our fathers, so when something goes wrong, we feel overly failed, let down. I wouldn't say I'm holding on to any past resentments, necessarily. I think it just goes without saying that our childhood, the way we were treated by our fathers, says a lot about the expectations of our future partners. (which worries me for my own children, who see their dad like four times a year)

Here was my friend's take on things...he says it's laziness. That guys don't want to work to provide. They don't want to work to make a relationship successful. Men are overly concerned with themselves, that they forget to run a household, a marriage, a family."But if any man does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever." 1 Timothy 5:8  I pointed out that I felt the same way of women, sometimes. That as "independent" women we forget that our role (ew, that's a scary word, but it's my blog so I can say it!) is to nurture our partner, to be supportive of our him, to obey (again, another scary word) him. "But I want you to understand that Christ is the head of every man, and the man is the head of a woman, and God is the head of Christ." 1 Cor 11:3  But then my friend pointed out, but what is there for a woman to "obey" if she's with someone who doesn't "lead"? Good. Point. And there's the vicious cycle. I'm not saying I was good at these things. As I admitted in my previous post, I have spent way too much time on my independent-woman-high-horse. I wonder if things would be different, had I taken the time to be lead, rather than trying to lead. 

I just feel like there has to be a middle ground between being independent, being able to provide for yourself (especially when you have no other choice) and being submissive in a relationship. At what point do you separate the two? And in today's dating world, how do you determine if someone is just a major controlling turd or just a strong, obedient man of God's word, who wants to do right on all accounts when it comes to being a man? More importantly, where do we (I) find these good men, because I certainly seem to be confusing good boys and good men. 

Be a Man

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I was thinking about how being alone is challenging. And I was thinking about how frustrating it is when things go wrong, because there's no one to blame but yourself. And I was thinking about how when I was with JM it was nice to have someone to bounce ideas off of. And then I got sad because he's not around anymore and that now when things happen, I don't have anyone to talk to about them. (I promise this is not another sappy post about how much I miss him...stay with me!)
As little girls, we are taught that a man will swoop in and make our lives wonderful and happy and perfect. Then we hit our teenage years and we get our first heartache and even still we think that life without a boy seems terrible. Then we grow up a little and we do things for ourselves. We spend time with girlfriends and start to learn about who we really are...but just a little bit, because we still want a boy to come along and make things complete. For a lot of people, that happens. But for others (okay me!) that doesn't happen, or at least not right away!
If you look back at my blog, you'll probably be able to point out 545486685968 different times that I toot my own horn for being a single mom. And probably another 454958634234 times that I brag about what I "have" and how I got there "on my own"....Gross. Well, this is the post where I admit that I'm a snobby whiny brat who gives herself way too much credit for doing something that a lot of other people do too. Aaaaaand this is also the post where I admit that I don't want to go through life alone. I want a man who can be the head of the house. A man who can be responsible with our budget. A man who is comfortable in his faith. A man who isn't scared to get married and raise kids and lead a family.
This is also the first post where I admit that somewhere inside me, I've felt this calling to to be someone's wife. Where I once felt the calling to be alone and independent, I now feel that I'm being called to be someone's partner. I feel that I was created to be a mother and a wife. That's. Hard. For. Me. To. Admit. I have spent so much time wanting to be the hero of the world...playing the martyr about being a single parent...trying to appear to have it altogether. And while I admit that I do handle myself well and I am doing well for myself and for my kids, I can admit that there's something missing.
I thought JM was that person in my future. And I have no doubt that JM thought he was headed that way too. But something changed for him. I don't understand it, but it's not for me to understand. I am excited for my future. I am not going to shut down like I did in the past. I'm not going to be so closed off and "against" relationships. Sure, it stinks when things don't work out, but I look back and wonder where I'd be if I had never "risked" falling in love with JM. I'm ready to start a new life story. I'm ready for great things to happen, on their own. I'm ready to step back and get out of the way of myself. I am open to a future that just happens. Stay tuned y'all!

It's Okay!

So I read a blog that I found on another friend's blog and every Thursday she does an "It's okay Thursday" post. I LOVE it! Anyway, it makes me want to totally copy cat her and do one today!

 It's okay...



• to look forward to lunch when it's not even breakfast yet.
• to secretly enjoy it when people talk crap on your ex and tell you how much better off you are.
• to love spending time with an old friend, even if it's under crappy circumstances.
• to take a self-pic in the mirror of your outfit and fwd it to your work friend to make sure you look okay before heading in to work.
• to be OB-SESSED with calling people from your new car now that you have Bluetooth!
• to slack on housework and blame it on every possible factor other than laziness.
• to have gained a pound for the week and not even care because you're still under your normal weight!
• to have eaten fast food three times this week already.
• to listen to Sara Bareilles Radio on Pandora just because the songs are sometimes sad.
• to consider having a drink with a co-worker's son, even if he is a little a lot younger, just because he's super hot!
• to have a countdown on the refrigerator to when your kids leave for a visit with their dad, and to be more excited than they are about them leaving for a week!
• to copy someone else's blog idea for an "it's okay" post. Right?

There ya have it folks! That was very therapeutic, you should try it too!

Sleeping Angels

Am I the only psycho stalker mom who takes pictures of her babies sleeping? Each night before I go to bed, I do my routine check on my kids to make sure they're covered up snugly, breathing well, and sleeping soundly. I always remember something my grandpa used to tell me. He'd say "Whenever you look at your kids sleeping, you always think how purely innocent they look and you'll wonder how you ever got mad at them!" He's so right! As frustrating as bedtime routines can be, when I see them (finally) asleep, it's as though none of the up-and-down ever happened! They look....well PERFECT! Take a look at the pictures I've snapped of my sleeping angels...

JM and Anderson, this warms my heart!



Bahaha! This is pretty typical for Anderson!

Look at those lips! My grandma always loved Lilly's lips!

Is she praying?

Such a boy! His daddy got a kick outta this one!



Ava and Anderson, during our sleepover last weekend!



Lilly, sleeping diagonally in Mama's bed! It's what we Hahn girls do!

Unexpected? What's That?

"If you expect the unexpected, then doesn't the unexpected become expected?"

If I could plan out every detail of every day, I'd do it. If I could write a script for the things people should/would say, I'd do it. I just want to hear what I want to hear and see what I want to see...and block out everything else. When things are going a certain way, headed a certain direction, I let myself get tripped up in my own expectations, and so when something goes ascew, I don't really know how to react...because it wasn't what I had planned on happening. Follow me? I'm smart enough to know that the world doesn't revolve around me or my desires. I'm smart enough to know that there's a Higher Power, something much bigger than me, controlling it all. And I'm okay with that (you're welcome God!).

I remember a year ago when I was obsessing over something so ridiculous that once I was able to get myself back into that situation, allow myself to really BE in the moment again, I realized that it was in fact not where I wanted to be...nor was it as I had once remembered it to be. I wrote about it here. I'm not saying that I'm in the same (or even similiar) situation now, but I do remember what it was like to feel like I needed "just one more chance" to figure it out. It was as though I was given another look back at what I thought I had. Boy was I way off! The things that were going on in my mind, prior to this second look, were nowhere near what the reality was. Again, I'm not saying that this is the case now, but this is an a reminder of how my idea of my life plan is just that-- what I want.

I'm not good at letting go. I'm not a relaxed, laid-back, calm person. I am a control-freak. I am a planner. I am impatient. I hate waiting. But, I'm willing to attempt to make these changes...because let's face it, "I may be wrong." What I want for me, isn't necessarily what God wants for me. Where I thought my life was heading obviously isn't where God has planned for me. That kinda sucks! BUT, I trust Him. I trust that He has something amazing planned for me.

 

A Few of My Favorite Things

You asked for it (or maybe you didn't?), so here is a list of a few of my favorite things...

• my desk calendar at work...I love writing on it.
• filling out forms. I love to see my own handwriting
• curling Lilly's hair. I could literally spend an hour curling her hair in the morning, if it wasn't for her constant complaining and carrying on!
• seeing Anderson in a tie. Someone was a little TOO excited to celebrate Dr.Seuss's bday today-- he wore a button down shirt with a tie to school today. That's my boy!
• Katy Perry's song that she sang at the Grammy's. I've become oddly inspired by it.
• Little Caesar's Crazy bread..."pizza pizza!" 'Nuff said!
• my job and my co-workers....LOOOOOOVE them!
• reading for fun.
• THIS WEATHER (aside from the predicted storms...eeeek)
• my "old" friends...especially Tiffany and Brandon. (Did I mention that Tiff sent me flowers to work this week? She's AMAZING and my flowers are huge and BEAUTIFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
• the fact I planned a vacation less than two weeks of returning from my cruise. My cousin and I are going to FL in June! CANNOT WAIT!
• having my own home.
• being able to spend so much time with my kids!

AND, did I mention that I bought a new car? I pick it up Monday. I'm so excited!!!!

Okay so there ya have it! It's an AWESOME day...and I'm SO blessed to have such a good life!

#itsthelittlethingsinlife