Recharging the battery.

So I was having a conversation with a girl at work today about how addicted I am to my phone and how I'm finding that it's actually causing problems in my relationships. I rarely talk on the phone (other than to my mom, of course!)as my communication of choice is either facebook or text. I would rather gouge my own eyes than carry on a lengthy conversation with someone on the phone.

With that said, I am seeing how complicated "texting" relationships are. Not only do you miss out on the facial expressions and the different tones of a person's voice, but you also lose the anticipation of getting to talk to that person. Sometimes I just feel like "oh, it's you" when I see someone because I've already been "talking" to them all day via text. Remember the good ole' days of coming home from school (or work) and waiting by the phone for your friend/boyfriend to call?! There was such anticipation and anxiety (the butterflies in your belly kind of anxiety) about the conversation! Nowadays we're chattin' it up with our friends all day long that it leaves no time to be excited to see them or talk to them.

The other MAJOR (and I mean MAJORLY ANNOYING) problem with texting is that we can't truly "hear" the tone of the person or the true intention of the person. Without adorable smiley icons (thank you Spell Number app) or a million exclamation points, texts just lose their emphasis and come up short.

My co-worker was talking about how they're working on a series at their church called the Blueprint for Life. This week they talked about needing to "recharge" and that God designed us to be able to be alone, and that we are so bombarded with communication (enter Gretchen's obsession to her iphone) that we fail to seek our "recharging" time. I couldn't tell you the last time that I left my phone OFF for an entire day or night. I almost want to challenge myself to "recharge my battery" both figuratively and literally (my phone is ALWAYS dying!). I think it would do me (and my relationships) well to recharge temporarily. I'm fine being with just me (in fact I love it most days!), but I guess it's because I'm never truly ALONE. I always have my phone, and thus my multiple texting conversations...Here's to recharging!

"You gotta do you, girl!"

For a lot of my life, I've tried to please other people. I've tried to not ruffle too many feathers, and I've put my own happiness on the back burner for the sake of other people's benefit. As a single parent, I feel that part of this is to be expected, as my first priority is the safety and happiness of my children. But at what point do I get to make myself a priority?
With the start of this year, I decided that I need to focus on me. I mentioned earlier this month that we started a series at church about working towards being the best version of ME that I can be. And I'm attempting that. I've also mentioned that I've been working out, and trying to improve my mom-body! I'm getting results and I'm feeling great! Another big aspect of my life is the relationships I have with other people. I have been lucky enough to reconnect with old friends, make new friends, and even try out the dating world. Although my feelings on dating remain the same as last year's (that dating is NOT an essential, or even desired, part of my life), I have allowed myself to be open to the idea of dating again, mostly because things have just fallen nicely into place, without any effort. While I still maintain the position that I do not NEED a relationship in my life, I am allowing myself to be open to the "idea" of dating again!

I was talking to some girlfriends about this last week and they basically encouraged me to "do me"....I have put up a very tough facade' in the past two years, trying to control everything in my life, especially my independence, but I am excited to see what happens as I slowly let my guards down. As the first month of 2011 comes to a close, I am hopeful that my "do me" take on life will pay off.

Matt Redman - You Never Let Go

Heard this song on my way to work this morning. It reminded me that no matter what is going on in my life, no matter how bad things get, no matter what....I'm not alone, I'll get through it. God never turns His back on me. I wonder...how do people get through life without God in their life and without trusting that they're not going it alone?

Making Big Plans?

So I was talking with a friend today about how I feel like I need to set some big goals for this year. 2010 was a pretty huge year for me: buying the house, finishing school, and doing it alone I might add...I just feel like I need to keep it going and make something great happen in 2011. Here are some ideas I've been coming up with:

1) GET FIT. We started a twelve week fitness challenge at work at the beginning of the year. In an attempt to lose a little extra weight and tone my mom-body, I joined the challenge and have been working out regularly. My body feels more in shape than ever, although I know I have a lot more work to do! While "get fit" is a pretty broad term, I think it will satisfy the things I'm working towards for my physique!

2) COOK IT UP. I've mentioned before how I struggle...okay suck, at cooking. I've tried harder since Aaron moved out, but for the most part I stick to the staples of pizza, spaghetti, beef and noodles, tacos, etc...things that my toddlers could make. Although I blame it on the lack of mouths I'm feeding, the reality is that I just don't know how to cook. Perhaps I'll take a cooking class or find a personal chef to teach me (Nicky, you think your hubby is available!?). Overall, I just need to be open to trying new things in the kitchen.

3) TEND TO OLD FRIENDSHIPS. Recently I have been lucky enough to reconnect with two of my old high school friends. They were two of my best friends growing up and it's been nice catching up with them, albeit on facebook, but it's a start. We've all grown up and started families, and I think it's just time to bury the hatchet and move on. Woot woot!

Like I said, 2010 was a HUGE year for me. I'm hoping that 2011 can top last year! All of my friends are getting married or having babies, and while that's DEFINITELY not in my future, I still think great things can happen for me this year! Here's to 2011!!!

Lost

I started going to Sonrise about a year and a half ago...Father's day of 2009 to be exact. Pastor appreciation week (or month?) was in October and I wrote to one of the pastors at Sonrise telling him what an inspiration he had been to my newly found faith, and that he and his worship team were what kept me coming back each week. He wrote back telling me how moved he was with my appreciation letter and encouraged me to call on him or any of the other pastors at anytime. Over the next few months I would be in contact with him and was able to get through a very hard time with help from him. He gave me guidance when I was lost, he encouraged me when I wanted to give up, he prayed for me when things got bad (or good!), and most importantly he became a very close friend to me and my family.
I just got word today that he was resigning from Sonrise. I don't know all the details of his resignation, nor do I need to, but I can't help but feel a little lost knowing he's leaving.

You will be missed JW.

AMANDA

They say that when you meet someone and it's meant to be, you just "know"...Well, of course they're typically talking about future mates, but in my case, I'm talking about my dear friend (and neighbor) Amanda. She and her family came over to introduce themselves when I first moved in. I had been painting the entire day and looked a hot mess, but they were nice as pie (and even brough DELICIOUS cookies). We saw each other periodically the following weeks, but we eventually exchanged numbers and haven't stopped talking/texting ever since!
In the short six months that I've been able to get to know Amanda (and her family) I feel like there's truly a reason we're in each other's lives. I trust her completely and I love her like a sister! She is incredible and I am SO lucky to have her as a neighbor and even more importantly as a friend!!!!! I LOVE YOU GIRL!!!!

My favorite Jilly Bean

Jill is nuts...in all the right ways! She's hilarious! She's crazy! She's genuine! She's SO MUCH FUN! Although Jill and I have a million stories worth telling, we have learned to keep them to ourselves to stay out of trouble! Hehehe! Jill and I met each other about seven years ago, when I moved back to Ft.Wayne. We worked together for a few years, until we both grew up and started families! We lived together for a year...one of the best years of my life!
Although Jill and I don't get to spend as much time together as we used to, and although we don't talk on the phone every night...I still consider Jill a great friend. I miss our old days, but I'm also very proud of us both for finally growing up!!!

I LOVE YOU BEAN!!!!!!

BRANDON

Continuing my friend tribute...

Brandon and I were introduced in March of 2003 by a mutual friend of ours. I wouldn't say we were destined to meet, but I definitely think there's a reason we came into each other's lives. We dated for a few years, but eventually that ended. We took our time away from each other, but always remained friends in some regard. He would kick my butt when I dated some random moron. I'd cuss him out and cry when he found a "perfect" girl. Although there was always that "spark" between us, there was just never the solid romantic bond that kept us together. Trust me, we tried..and tried...and tried!!!



Brandon and I just recently came to a good point in our friendship where we BOTH fully understood and accepted the terms of our relationship. We aren't good together as a couple, but we both need/want each other as friends. We have both hurt each other deeply, but we always mend our friendship. There is no one who could take the place of Brandon, or the friendship that he offers. He's truly one-of-a-kind and I feel insanely lucky to call him one of my best friends!!!

SHANNON (and baby!)

I've decided that since it's the beginning of the year, what better way to start it out than by paying tribute to all my great friends. I'll dedicate a blog each day to some of my most fantastic friends!

I have learned over the past few years that as much as you want to keep the friendships from your childhood, sometimes that just can't happen. Although I had a very close group of friends from high school, I really only stay in touch with one of them. Shannon and I have been friends since middle school. I remember going to her house with Cassie Perkins and just being ridiculous middle-school-boy-crazy girls! We had a blast! We remained friends throughout high school. Of course we had our normal girl drama, but for the most part, Shannon and I were always close!
I have tons of great memories with Shannon, but one of my most fabulous memories was when she called to tell me she was getting married to Jason! I was standing out in my driveway, and she spilled it...she told me the story of how he proposed and I remember crying when I hung up the phone because Shannon is one of the most WONDERFUL people in the world. She has the biggest heart of anyone I know (with a touch of bitchy, at all the right times). She deserves to be happy, and I KNOW Jason makes her happy. I felt SO honored to be in her BEAUTIFUL wedding last September! The wedding was INCREDIBLE....did we really expect any less from Shannon!?
A couple months later when Shannon texted me telling me she "might have news for me later today" I KNEW she was pregnant! She said she was still waiting on the results from the doctor, but I just KNEW she was being blessed with a baby! Jason and Shannon will be AMAZING parents! Like I said, Shannon has a great heart and is so caring and nurturing. She'll be a phenomenal mother.

I love you Shanny! I value our friendship so much, and you have been such a huge part in my life. Thank you for always encouraging me, pushing me on, and sometimes giving me the tough love I need. You are amazing! I cannot wait to meet McBaby!!

Girls are CRRRRRAZY!

After watching another tragic episode of The Bachelor last night (complete with a bottle of wine, of course), I realized that girls are crrrrazy! No, this isn't some grand epiphany I had just after last night's show, but it served as a reminder of what NOT to do!

I have a couple single friends who try SOOOOOO hard to make things work with guys. I understand their logic of WANTING to be with someone, but I hate the way they go about it. It seems so desperate, and I know these girls are better than that! It makes the rest of us look equally as nutty! I'm not entirely innocent, as I'm sure there was a guy who I pined over pathetically. But hopefully I've grown up since then and I've learned that when it's over, it's over! Girls are kind-of dumb when it comes to relationships-- maybe even worse than men. Things are pretty black and white for men. Girls try to find the gray area in what he says/does, to make it "fit" into what she wants. In reality, when a guy says it's over, it's over!!! Let it go! Chuck it up to it being HIS loss and move on to the next eligible bachelor willing to see you for what you are!

The Me I Want to Be

We're starting a new series at church called "the me I want to be." Today was the first day of the series and I'm so excited to see where it goes. This comes at a very good time in my life, as I am finally content with where I am...with that said, I need to question whether or not I'm being the best version of me that I can be.

There were four different aspects to the idea of "finding my identity" that we discussed this morning that sometimes get in the way of being the best version of me...the me that God made me to be. These aspects really ring true for me (and for others, obviously), but I think listing them out helps me to see that I don't HAVE to live behind them. They are: 1) the me that I pretend to be, 2) the me I think I should be, 3) the me other people want me to be, and 4) the me that fails to be.

The me that I pretend to be-- we all portray ourselves as a certain way, but we all fall short of being that person. It's funny, a friend and I were just talking about this last night. Facebook, while a great way to network and stay connected, fails to hold people accountable. I mean, we all have read (and maybe even written) status updates bragging about our perfect children, wonderful spouse, or perfect life, when in reality it's just not true. We write these status updates to pretend to be someone that we're just not. Perhaps it's our intention to be that way, but we fall short, because the reality is that no one, other than God, is perfect or has a perfect life. Once we can start living our reality, we can get closer to being the me that God intended us to be.
The second idea of this series, the me that I think I should be, is sometimes a heavy burden. We have all these ideas of what we SHOULD be doing, what we SHOULD be making, where we SHOULD be living, what we SHOULD be eating, wearing, saying, having, etc...This holds us back from being who we were truly intended to be. If we could just live our life, accepting the way things are, acknowledging that we may not be who WE think we should be, but trusting that we are who God intended us to be, we are steps closer to being the best version of "me".
The third point, the me other people want me to be, is one that hit a huge nerve for me. While I can say that the people in my life are very supportive and rarely push their opinions on me, I DO think I'M guilty of forcing my ideas on other people, and what they SHOULD be doing. I'm no expert on life, but I look back at my friendships and I wonder if I don't push people too hard and make myself out to appear that I have it all together and have all the answers (going back to the me I pretend to be). I have a good friend going through a divorce. Instead of being supportive and compassionate during this very difficult time, I was tough and very matter-of-fact with him. I basically told him what he SHOULD be doing, how he SHOULD be feeling, and how he SHOULD be living. I want to be one of the supportive people in the lives of others, because I think that's the best version of me I have to offer. Being hard and tough and brutal isn't really ME.
Finally, the me that fails to be. This one confused me a little bit, but the most important lesson I got from this one was this: "Life isn't about hwow long you've existed, but rather how long you have LIVED." There are times in our lives that we feel like we're REALLY LIVING. For me, this was the birth of my kids, the purchase of my first home, and some other minor accomplishments. Although I was born almost twenty-nine years ago, I can say that I've only truly LIVED for minutes...maybe less than twenty minutes. It's a sad reality, but I think knowing that and realizing that I WANT to LIVE more, will make me appreciate more moments and help me feel like I have a purpose and a reason to LIVE.

I'm very excited for this series and I look foward to working towards being the best version of me that I can be.

Ephesians 2:10:
For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.

Say It Ain't So!!!

Britney's first single ("Don't Hold It Against Me") off her new album (due out in March) is coming Tuesday January 11th! I may or may not be a weee bit excited! Maybe THIS is her come back?

Babies.

A couple days ago, Megan, an old friend of mine had a baby. At a time when I would have typically been a part of this celebration, I was instead hearing of the event from a mutual friend. Although at first I played it off as though I could care less that she was about to deliver, the truth is I was super excited for her and a bit sad that I wasn't partaking in the celebration. We started out as enemies in middle school, but late into our high school years we became close. After high school she and I would grow even closer, and she would introduce me to my ex (and now, best friend), Brandon whom I was with for many years. Megan and I always had a rocky relationship. We always had trust issues and we always seemed to brew up some kind of conflict between each other...usually over the most ridiculous things. Last year we had another blow up and basically wrote each other off. We haven't spoken since March.

Megan was there for me during one of the hardest times of my life. Although I probably never told her, I appreciated her SO much and I felt SO blessed to have her friendship. Megan helped me "figure out" my faith and encouraged my walk with Christ. She laughed with me when I told her how ridiculous I felt crying in church, and admitted that she too had moments like that! She and I had more good times together than not...and I hope she can remember those times as well.

I am so excited for Megan and Stephen and their new little addition. They will be great parents...God willing Megan has cleaned out her car (hehehehe!)! I am hopeful that in the future she and I will be able to rekindle some level of friendship.

Mumble Jumble

I somehow managed to duplicate over 80% of my contacts twenty-four times each. I now have over 4,000 contacts in my phone. I will now have to restore the phone to it's factory settings and run a backup from October of last year, losing anything I've aquired since then. Ugh.

It's snowing. Ugh.

Did you know all vehicles have rear brakes? For some reason I was thinking that you only had rear brakes if you had AWD or 4WD. I looked like an idiot when I came to this realization in front of friends today. Ugh.

Aaron and his mom fly in tomorrow to spend the weekend with the kids. They're going to Indy and plan to visit the Children's Museum. The kids are SO excited to spend a weekend in a hotel. I, on the other hand, find the thought of it exhausting and disgusting. Ugh.

I've been participating in a 12-Week fitness challenge at work for the past three days. I've lost .6 pounds so far (hehehe) and am excited to continue losing...even if I catch grief about it from co-workers! Hey, girls can always afford to lose some weight, right? Ugh!

My house is still in shambles from the holidays. I have put off taking the Christmas decorations (and tree) to the attic. The last time (and only time) I went to the attic I was scared senseless and made my toddlers cheer me on from below! This sounded like a good project for this weekend since I'll be kidless, but then who would cheer me on? Ugh.

Overall it's been a great week (with the exception of all the above "ugh's"). The kids had a different dress-up day each day this week. Anderson nearly puked at the idea of wearing mismatched clothes or wearing a shirt backwards for Crazy Clothes day. He thought it was ridiculous, and I can't say that I blame him! Lilly, however LOVED it! She picked out her own outfit for the day and had a blast mismatching her clothes! (She did a great job at it, I should mention!) Tomorrow is Crazy Sock day. Lilly is so excited to FINALLY wear her Hello Kitty socks that I forbid her to wear on normal occasions!!!

kenny chesney - somewhere with you

For you.