Blue Skies

It's no secret that I've gone a little off the emotional deep end! But...I have to admit that I'm starting to see the light! This is not to say that I love JM any less, or that I miss him any less...because I'm not sure if/when those feelings will go away. But, I can say that things are different. I'm not bawling my eyes out everyday, I'm eating again (although I was REALLY loving the weight loss!), and I'm pretty much a happy person again- the person that I FEEL like I always was.
A couple weeks ago, a dear friend at work brought me a little pick-me-up care package! It was absolutely the EXACT thing that I needed to get me out of my funk. The bag included a little note which read: "The journal is for a place to put your thoughts. The book has great quotes and stories in it. The tissues are to let you know it's okay to be sad and cry. The candy is a must! The flower is to remind you that you are loved."  My precious work friend will never know how much that meant to me. Here is a picture of the book that she bought for me:
You may have noticed that I just spent a little time tonight redoing the look of my blog. At the risk of treating my blog too much like MySpace (where we could change the backgrounds and stuff as often as we wanted), I just felt like I was at a point where I was ready to acknowledge that there IS life after loss. Of course, I MAY be a little dramatic, it's not like JM has died, but...a huge part of my heart is missing and I'm pretty sure it's with my handsome ex in Michigan. With that said though, I am ready to start fresh. To acknowledge that I loved and lost..and I'm still living. And that no matter how hard this is, that there WILL be brighter days again. Sure there are going to be dark days-- days where the rain is pouring and I can't keep myself together. The quotes on my header are from the book in my survival kit! I have read (and reread) the book many times since she gave it to me. It has truly helped me make me look at situations in a different way. I'm excited to get on with life. I NEED to do this for myself and for my kids. As AMAZING as JM was to me and the kids, it just wasn't meant to be. It makes me very sad, but I remain extremely grateful for having the chance to fall in love with such an incredible man, and to have spent the past ten months of my life with him. I will be forever thankful for that.

Where Does She Get It?!

I just had to share some funny pictures of Lilly from this weekend! The girl doesn't leave the house without at least three bracelets on her little arm, usually a necklace or a ring, lately her pink purse, and of course those GIANT sunglasses! Wow! Gotta give the girl credit...she's cute!!


Milkshake diva!



Pretty little girl!



Accessories queen! Barretts, purse, necklace (and I'm sure there are some bracelets on there)...and all of that- just for breakfast!

One in a Million

My mom is ah-may-ziiiiing! It's funny, I just wrote about how a little card in the mail could provide a quick pick-me-up, and there it was this morning in my mailbox-- a cute card from my mom! My family has always been one to send cards and letters. I think my grandma passed this on to all of us (God I miss her!), but my mom is one to know EXACTLY when we need it the most.

After I dropped off my kids at daycare this morning, I got a little emotional thinking about how lucky I am to be a mom. (This was before I saw the card in the mail from my mom!) Sure there are TOUGH days, but in the grand scheme of things, I would be lost if it wasn't for my role as a mother. And I couldn't help but acknowledge that the reason I am the parent I am, is because of my mom. She made it look so simple. I have no doubt that being a single parent was hard on my mom at times. I have no doubt that she made huge sacrifices for us. But my mom never let us know that. My brother, sister, and I never knew how hard things were for my mom, or how tired she was, or how stressed she was. We had no clue that she was giving up so much to be able to take care of the three of us. I hope that my kids look back and feel the same way.

I wish that I hadn't waited so long in my life to be such good friends with my mom. I wish I hadn't waited until I was on my way to being a mother, to actually LISTEN to my mom. I wish that I would have taken her advice ten years prior to when I actually did. I'm SO very grateful to have the relationship that I do with my mom today. Without her, I'd be lost. Lately, I've been mad at people for telling me to "stay strong" or complimenting me on being so "independent"...I kept saying that I don't WANT to be strong or independent, that I just want my boyfriend back (furril!), but I know that's not an option. I know that her strength and independence are two of the best traits my mom has, and if I can be half the mother she is, I'll follow whatever traits I need to follow.

Snail Mail

When I was a younger, we would pay to have pen pals. I don't know exactly where that money went, or who I was sending money to, but I'm pretty sure I have a "friend" in Bangladesh who is WAY behind on sending letters to me. I paid good money for her to be my friend! Ugh.

Anyway, as things have progressed over the past couple decades, writing letters or sending mail has become a thing of the past. We're a society of instant gratification, so we send emails, texts, or update Facebook or Twitter when we want to talk to someone or get a message to someone quickly. The problem with snail mail, is that it takes a few days (or a week) to reach the desired recipient-- what if we change our mind by the time that person receives the card or package? Short of waiting for the FedEx delivery truck to pull up, there's not much we can do once the package is sent. Awkward!

This poses the chance for a new experiment. With texts, emails, and IM's we can easily blurt things out (even if we don't mean them, entirely), without much thought. But with sending a card or a letter, you better be darn sure that what you say now is what you're going to still mean in a week from now when the person receives your letter. Perhaps we should go back to being a society of patience. We should really think things through before speaking. We should write more, type less. We should experience the emotions of anticipation again. What do you think?

She's a Snow Princess!

The day I left for my cruise, my precious Lilly had a choir program at school. It broke my heart to not be there for her, but I knew my brother, mom, and grandpa would make up for my absence. We had been rehearsing the lines she would recite in front of everyone for weeks leading up to the program. Uncle Adam helped her work on her costume one Sunday afternoon. Everything was perfect and Lilly was ready for the program!
The night of her program, my brother and I were already on the ship and couldn't get service to call back home, but the second we could, we got an update from G as to what had happened. Lilly did perfectly, she was so happy to have so many family members there, and Aunt Miranda even showed up to support her (Aunt Miranda doesn't go ANYWHERE!)! She was a hit! Here are pictures from the night!

Anderson, always wanting the attention! LOL! Before the program!



Lilly and friends, on stage!



Pretty Snow Princess!

Such a diva!

Thanks Uncle G, for all your help, not only with the choir program, but for the whole long weekend!!! You're amazing! XOXO!

On My Way...

We had an exceptionally relaxing weekend...one of those weekends that makes you feel "okay" with Monday coming around because the weekend was a success! It's been quite awhile since I've had that feeling, but for some reason, whatever the cause, here it was.

Friday after a (dramatic) day at work, I decided that I REALLY just needed some girl time. I called my cousin, who THANK GOD always comes to my rescue. We made arrangements for all four of our kids (thanks Mom), and agreed to not discuss anything "sad" the whole night. We went for dinner, enjoyed a LARGE pitcher of margaritas (broke our agreement of NOT talking about sad things...sat at the restaurant, both in tears), then went back to Megan's house to listen to some OLD SCHOOL Sheryl Crow (c 1993), and polish off a bottle of wine. We sat up, reminiscing about the good ole' days when boys were just fun to tease, when your girl friends caused worse heartaches than boys, and when we were skinny and carefree. Ah, those were the days!

Saturday morning the kids and I headed back home to get ready for a day of shopping with my mom! We went to the mall, found the kids' Easter outfits (so cute! cannot wait!), had a quick lunch (yum), and finally made our way back home to enjoy the rest of the afternoon and evening. I read a lot, the kids played a lot. It was very relaxing.  Over dinner, the kids and I talked about how long it had been since we'd been to church. It's not something I'm happy about, but I suppose when JM was here every weekend, it's just something that we stopped doing. Although JM went to church with us a few times, and enjoyed it, it was just different...and so we stopped going. The kids and I decided that we'd start back up in the morning!

Church was perfect-- exactly what I was needing and had been missing. Where I once let JM fill my heart, I realized was the place I could/should open back up to Christ. It's humbling to be standing there, knowing that He's been there all along, and I just pushed Him out of the way for my own selfish desires. I'm clinging to the hope that I can get to the point where He is enough-- and that I won't long so much for JM (or any other relationship). I spent a lot of the day Sunday, reflecting on my own life. (It's sad that it takes a disappointing event, like my breakup with JM, to force me to look at my own life, and my own faults.) I read in my daily devotional that I should take the time to reflect on the "nature of your nature." What makes me me? Why am I the way I am? What patterns show up, time and time again? What am I missing? Although these are things I'm still trying to discover, I know that taking the time to get to know ME is something I should be doing...I'm WORTH learning about.

Sorry, back to the weekend!! Sunday afternoon the kids and I did our weekly grocery shopping (they were ANGELS at the grocery). A man in the check-out line asked me how old my kids were. He said that he and his wife had been trying to have children for years. He told me how blessed I was to have such well-behaved, gorgeous children. Oddly enough, I needed to hear that...not because I don't love my children or think they're blessings, but because sometimes we just need to realize how lucky we really are. Sometimes we get caught up in the low-parts of life, that we overlook the amazing things we have in life. (Thank you Mr.CheckOut Guy!).

Here's to today. Learning to live life again (without JM), and to have faith.

#justwantingtogetthrutodaythentomorrowthenthenextday

I'm Not The Finest Wine

Pardon my lack of blogging, but my mind might still be in the Bahamas. I've suffered from Post-Cruise-Blues (well that and strep and bronchitis) for the past week, and my mind is still a blur!

Here's a quick update:

• Anderson announced early this morning that he has his first girlfriend. WWWWHAT! Her name is Kaitlynn. An older woman, of course. And she likes biscuits and gravy. Aside from that, the only thing I know of this precious girl is that she has a navy blue hoody, like Anderson's.
• Lilly has another wiggly tooth, and apparently with wiggly (and missing) teeth, comes hissing. She has been hissing at me and Anderson ALL week. It's disturbing (and annoying).
• Work has been AWESOME! I found out Tuesday that I'll be trying out another "Ross hat!" I'll be working a couple hours a day in a new department. I am hopeful that it might turn into something permanent! We'll see! Stay tuned!
• I've still not caught up on my sleep from the cruise. Although I enjoyed the four, almost five, days away from reality, I still feel exhausted! I'm hoping this weekend is very relaxing and I can use the time to get some extra sleep!
• The kids have both been doing SUPER well at school lately. They have both had excellent behavior charts each day! I'm very pleased!
• My house is a mess. I may or may not clean it this weekend.
• The weight loss is creeping closer toten pounds, even after my cruise!
• I REEEEEEALLY need a girls' night out! Any takers?!
• I've started reading again! I was just talking to my brother on our cruise about how I literally haven't been reading books for the past year or more. After a fun, quick read on the cruise, I've picked up a couple more books to read in the evenings!
• My song of the week is "Wanna Make You Love Me"...it's a song that JM sent to me a few weeks before we split. It's an adorable song, and it makes me have hope that one day I'll find someone who feels that way, for real.  
• Although my heart still aches at the end of my relationship with JM, I am getting stronger daily and I know that I'll be okay!
• I'm still very proud of myself for the things I have, the things I've done, and the things I continue to accomplish...on my own. Maybe I'll never find someone who can "handle" those things, but if that's the case, I'll still be proud of myself. And I refuse to let someone make me feel bad for feeling that way.

Hopefully I'll take some time soon and post the millions of pictures that I've been putting off posting! If not, well....oh well!!!

Letters of Love?

Someone emailed me a couple days ago and asked how I ever became such a cynic of love. Ha! If only I had a day to explain it all!
A few years ago, I had written on here about what happened with Aaron (the kids' dad) and I. But I deleted it. I explained in great detail that Aaron had left to go to treatment in Minnesota for a drug abuse problem that I had NO idea about when we were together. I had lived with this man for five years and I had no idea the issues that he had with drugs. I always thought he was just crazy and that I was too weak to leave him. Enter months of al-anon and a weekend at the treatment facility in MN, and I realized that I had been victim to his abuse. I had been manipulated and physically, mentally, and verbally abused by this guy. I FINALLY grew a backbone and I was able to stay away from him, to not let him "back in" and to maintain my independence.  In doing so, I pretty much wrote off every other male in the universe, because surely they would hurt me as deeply as Aaron had.
Almost two years later, I met JM. And you know that story-- it's a perfect love story, with a tragic ending! (okay, maybe that's a bit dramatic!) But the truth is, I wish I had stuck to my gut feeling about relationships. Sometimes I wish I had never gone through everything that I did with JM, good or not, because of how I feel now. It's a terrible, horrible, gut-wrenching feeling to know that I spent ten months with someone, whom I considered my s-s-s-s-soul mate (puke!). I HONESTLY thought JM and I were going to be MARRIED! ME, MARRIED! Gretchen doesn't talk about MARRIAGE! But I found a PERFECT man and I wanted to be with him FOREVER. What. A. Joke.
I wrote last week about how hard it has been to find little love letters from JM all over the place. As much as those letters made me happy in the past, reading them now makes me hurt so badly. I still just DON'T understand.

Here's the reason I am writing this today-- It's not to make myself look like a poor pathetic girl who constantly gets dumped (although that seems to be the looks of it, eh?!). But I feel like I "deserve" to be a cynic! I "deserve" to be bitter about relationships. I feel like I have been through enough CRAP relationships to make me jaded for L-I-F-E. It's SUCH a different level when you have kids. It's not just a matter of me being a negative Nancy! It's me being cautious of who comes around my babies. And I was foolish enough to trust that this person wouldn't disappoint me. I trusted that JM was "the one"...and I was fooled.

Ugh, I guess it's just not in my cards to be in a "happy, healthy relationship." I think I'm okay with that now. I tried. I put EVERYTHING into my relationship with JM. I put myself out there 100000%. And it didn't work. It wasn't enough. But that's okay. I'll be okay. I AM okay. Lesson learned.

Watch for Alligators!



What a weekend! The kids and I spent Friday night in Wabash visiting my family who had come in from TN! It was SO nice to catch up with everyone. The kids had SO much fun playing together, and even got to stay up "super late!" It has been awhile since I've seen my TN family, and everytime we're all together it just warms my heart! My sides literally hurt at the end of the night from laughing so hard! I certainly needed that!

Noah and Lilly...being so silly!



Saturday morning, I had to head back to FTW super early for a pre-cruise hair appointment! The kids and my mom came up later that afternoon so we could do a little shopping and lunch! I decided I needed to spruce up my bedroom (I've written about my bedroom a million times, but still haven't posted pics of the finished product!). So, here's kinda where it's at right now:



Yes, I realize ALL the pictures are of Lilly...I'll get that changed!







Saturday evening the kids and I hunkered down for the Indiana vs Purdue game! Go HOOSIERS! The kids were SO excited to be able to stay up for the whole game! And of course, they were thrilled to be celebrating a Hoosier's victory!!!

Sunday we slept in (until almost 8am!), and then got up and made breakfast! Since Anderson has a snotty, green nose, we stayed home from church. We just played ALL day...it was nice! It had been awhile since they "let" me play with them!!!

Things are really going well! And only a few more days until I leave for my cruise!! 

Make Me Keep Wanting You

S-i-x More Days

And have I mentioned that I leave on a cruise in just six short days? I plan to spend a majority of the time laying out, drinking cold beer, and jamming to boy-hating music...because I can! The now-five lbs that I have lost throughout this ordeal with JM will make me feel THAT much better about myself in a bikini! WOOT WOOT!

#TheThingsIWouldSay

For most of us, Facebook and Twitter have become a way of life-- a way to not only reconnect with old friends, but a way to keep up with everything, whether we REALLY care about that person's biz-niss or not.
With recent events, I've thought a lot about the role that FB plays in my life. For me lately, it's been a way of monitoring (or gauging) where my relationship stood with JM. If he still had my picture as his profile pic, then we were still "good"...or at least we COULD get there. If our relationship status didn't change, then again, we're still "good" or at least we both were acknowledging that we COULD get back there. Well now I realize how silly this was! JM could care less about FB. And chances are JM could care less what his picture was or what his relationship status says. But for girls (me) it's different.
So, instead of running to Facebook and updating my status, or being tempted with constantly checking out my handsome (ex) boyfriend...I figured I'd just deactivate my account. I don't need to see pictures on Facebook of JM and I don't need to look too much into what he has or hasn't changed. The reality is that for now, it's over (my relationship with JM AND Facebook!)!

#ijustdontunderstand

It's My List O' Good!

I've been "terribly negative" in my last two posts. I hope that's not normal behavior for me, but just in case, I want to be sure I focus on the things that make me happy in life!!! So here is my list o' good things that are going on right now...

• 8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
• I've lost 4 lbs since Friday, woot woot!
• I get my hair done tomorrow!
• The kids were in SUPER great moods today!
• Lilly had watch-week at ballet yesterday and did an AMAZING job! She's MUCH better at ballet than tap!
• We are having a FANTASTIC week at work!
• 8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
• My family from TN is coming to Wabash this weekend! I CANNOT WAIT to see them!
• The weather has been awesome!!! Yesterday it was 58 degrees when I got off work. And it was 45 degrees when I came into work today! February WHAT?!
• I'm still VERY excited about life. (I feel as though I went a tad off the depression deep end yesterday!)
• We get to wear jeans and an NFL jersey tomorrow to work! YAY!
• 8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
• It's the first day of the month, and all my bills are paid for the entire month already! Woot woot!
• I am still very much in love with JM!
• My son is HILARIOUSLY entertaining!
• OOOH, and 8 more days until my cruise with my brother!

So, for any of my readers who feared that I had become a cynical, depressed, negative writer (or person)...here is my dose of happiness!