It's All Coming Up Gretchen!

I walked into my office today to see a gorgeous bouquet of flowers on my desk from an anonymous friend. The card read "Just because you're you." I later found out who the flowers were from and I am absolutely flattered! It makes me realize that there are people out there reading my blog and who are going through life with me, even if from afar. 

I got a text from a friend late last night saying that he had read my blog and had really connected to the post titled "Delays". He thanked me for reminding him that God still loves us no matter our faults. He said that he appreciates my honesty in my blogs (no matter how "ugly" they may seem). It just made me feel really great to know that my words...my heavy-on-my-heart words are reaching someone else. 

It's been a rough start to this year, but I really see things taking a major turn towards greatness. I am happy again. I feel like me again. Yes I still miss JM. It feels good to see the big picture again...to not let the rainy days overshadow everything else wonderful around me. Maybe it's just the season, but I honestly feel like my world is coming up all Gretchen. It feels AMAZING. 

My beautiful flowers!

The Ugly Truth

No one likes a complainer. No one likes to read about someone constantly bitching about her life. I get it. For those of you who side on those two opinions, you should skip this post!

For those of you still reading...let's talk about the truth...even if it's not fair. Let's chat about it, want to?

I'm friends with my most of my ex-boyfriends. For me, I see it like this: I spent months with you. During those months I would like to believe that we REALLY enjoyed each other's company. Although I've only been in love a couple times, I can honestly say that I gave it my all during those relationships, so it shouldn't be a huge surprise that I want to remain friends. And for my ex's, this doesn't seem to be an issue...However, I'm now realizing that there are ulterior motives, sometimes. You all know what I'm talking about.. I'm realizing that my ex's aren't friends with me because I'm just THAT awesome that they can't part ways with me. As with most past relationships, there's that level of comfort that you just can't trade in for someone new. You feel those comforting feelings with an ex. You feel that security. That familiarity. That trust. You get to talk about the ugliest things of your day, and your ex-bf will still talk to you again the next day! You get to answer the door in jammie pants because he knows all your looks and this won't disgust him. You get to just be YOU, and not have to worry about what he's thinking. Sadly, these unrealistic friendships end. There will be a day he finds a pretty girl (who doesn't answer the door in her jammies). A day when he can have meaningless "relations" without the baggage from the past, that inevitably creeps in with an ex. A day he can call someone else on his two hour drive home from work, and not have to hear about your work drama or hear stories about which of your kids has green snot hanging in his/her mouth. I get it. That's part of the moving on and growing apart. It's a sad reality, but it happens.

Let's talk about another bitter truth...in continuing with the ex-boyfriend debacle. Am I the only one who feels slightly jaded about the fact that oftentimes the "bad guy" gets to move on first? Right, I realize I just put that in print. I'm just saying...my ex was HORRIBLE to me (yes, my own fault for staying in the relationship for too long, but we have kids together so that was my excuse) and yet he's coming out smelling like roses now. Why is it that I feel like I'm being punished?! I know I know, dramatic much? But seriously, while we're being honest (and clearly we are, right?), am I the only one who feels cheated by this harsh reality? Because if we really looked at the reason I'm single and he's not, I'd say I have a lot more on my plate and that I'm a lunatic because of all of it. And not to be the most shallow girl in the world, but why is it that our (please tell me I'm not the only one) ex seems to always find someone skinnier and prettier?!!

Ya'll, I'm sorry. I promise I'll be back to normal tomorrow.

But....it did feel damn healthy to get that all out.

Time to Grow Up

I talk to my kids a lot about getting along with each other. I explain to them how annoying it is for other people to hear them fight. I tell them how much it hurts when people are mean to us, and that we should treat people how we would want them to treat us. I break up a lot of toddler fights in my house, and it just drives me absolutely BONKERS to hear them fight ALL THE TIME! 

With that said, I have been forced to look at my own relationships. Although I'm no longer clawing the skin off my brother's arms during a fight, I still have my little 'tude with people and sometimes it's very ugly. Most recently I've been in a multi-month battle with the kids' dad. It's HARD to get along with him, folks! HARD. It's not that he's a mean person, he just doesn't GET IT. He doesn't understand my stance on ANYTHING. And that bothers me, deeply. I came to this realization this past weekend. My cousin was dealing with a similar issue with her ex husband, and she called me in tears over it. Again, it's not that she was upset about the actual fight, she was just upset with him for not getting it. It was SO easy for me to guide her back to reality...that is, the realization that we aren't with them for a reason, that they're men and they won't EVER get it like we do, that we've got to hold it together for our kids, and that he's probably just saying all this stuff to get under her skin. Sure the arguments may be justified, but it's the way we react that says a lot about our own character. 

I have high hopes for me and Aaron. I know that somewhere, deeeeep down, there's a good man. A man who truly believes that he's doing the best thing for his kids. A man who doesn't hate me. A man who wants something more for his own life. It's not for me to fix anymore, it never was! I just need to trust that God chose Aaron for me and for my kids for a reason. I don't see it, but I have to believe that there's a reason! It's time for me to grow up, be an adult, put our past aside, and just move on  to the future-- whatever that may be. This is going to take extreme patience on my part. Wish me luck, people! This isn't going to always be pretty! 

Delays

"This means tremendous joy to you, I know, even though you are temporarily harassed by all kinds of trials and temptations. This is no accident — it happens to prove your faith, which is infinitely more valuable than gold ..." (1 Peter 1:6-7 PH)

In order to build your faith, God will give you a dream. Then, He'll urge you to make a decision. But then He'll allow a delay, because in the delay He matures you and prepares you for what is to come.

The truth is, you'll have difficulties while God delays. This isn't because He doesn't care about you or that He's forgotten your circumstances; rather, it's one of the ways He pushes you toward the deep end of faith. God does this because He is building our faith and character. When we finally come to a place where the difficulties become so bad, where we've reached our limit, where we've tried everything and exhausted all our options, it is then that God begins a mighty work through us.

So, I subscribe to Rick Warren's "Daily Hope" and I've been receiving them for probably the past two or three years...and although I used to read them religiously (no pun intended), I can't deny that I've pretty much just overlooked them for the past year or so. Today's title really caught my attention though, "The Difficulties While God Delays." Hmmmm.... And what a perfect day to open this email! 

I've always known there was a reason I started going to my church. And I've always felt that it all "happened" at just the right time. It was father's day, three years ago. Aaron had just left for Minnesota. Everything that I had been trying to do to keep my life together wasn't really working. The relationship that I had just spent five years invested in, was failing. The man I was engaged to was a drug addict. The children I was raising with him, were now all mine to raise. Everything seemed to be falling apart. I knew I needed help. Around that time, I went to MN to visit Aaron in treatment and I spent two days participating in the Family Program at the treatment center. To say it was life changing would be an understatement. It was there that I felt this overwhelming sense of Christ. It was there that I met the people, total strangers, who prayed for me, with me, and over me. I honestly think this was the first time in my life that I felt like I didn't HAVE to do it all alone. Although I've always been a Believer, this was different. This wasn't just a feeling. This was a call to action. I came back home rejuvenated, focused, and stronger than ever...or so I thought! 

More recently, the breakup with JM has really challenged my faith again. My feelings for JM were genuine. I allowed myself to be so vulnerable. I let him into my world...which I had spent the past three years protecting so closely. For the first time since Aaron, I let someone into a life with my children. I was completely open. I see now that this may have been the dream that God gave me. Maybe He was preparing me for what's to come. Although things didn't work out with JM, I now see how amazing love can be. I know now what it feels like to be truly happy, to feel true love. Even though things didn't work out, I don't doubt the love that JM and I shared. I just think God has a different plan for me.

So now I'm in the delay stage. God is encouraging my faith. He's pushing me deeper into my faith. He's maturing me and preparing me for what's to come. Although I feel like I've already experienced the "worst day of my life" I know that I've not been given more than I've been able to handle. I've come out of each of the worst (so far) situations in my life, shining brighter than before. I know that I'm destined for great things. I know that God's got my back! I know that trusting Him, believing in Him, learning about Him, and following His word is my path to greatness. 

Trending Now

Here's what's trending now in the Hahn household...

DrawSomething has not only become a favorite pasttime of mine, but the kids also love it! They both have it on their iPod Touch, and Lilly also plays it on the MagnaDoodle in the car! She's really good at it!!!

Bath and Body Works' FOREVER SUNSHINE lotion! Lilly and I LOVE it! I haven't used BBW products in YEARS, but there's something about this lotion that just makes me SO happy! Lilly has moved up from the "Baby Magic" lotion that she's used since she was a baby. She thinks this is "big person" lotion, so she feels pretty special sharing it with Mommy! hehe! 

I'm IN LOVE with these Ruffled Dolman Sleeve Tops from Express. I have them in two different colors because I love them so much!

C'mon! Who doesn't love a cute little boy band? The song is super catchy...and something about my toddlers singing it just makes it even that more appealing! LOVE. IT. (So does my brother, apparently!!! LOL!)

My brother introduced me to this website this past weekend! After a few bottles of wine, we thought it would be a good idea to reflect on our diets! bahaha! This site has so many awesome recipes-- and they're actually things I could do! I'm so excited to try some of them! YAY!

No, LC is not trending in our house (although maybe she should be...kinda hot, no?!), but LC's braids are! Lilly has been OBSESSED with braids for a few months, but since coming home from her dad's house, where his g'friend braided her hair a couple times, she now wants her hair braided ALL the time! I need to learn to make fun braids like LC's! Not to mention, I'd probably sport this look!

I Believe...

I believe that there's good in everyone.

I believe that everything works out the way God planned.

I believe that my children are my soulmates- they are my constant. I am blessed for that.

I believe that I was put on this earth to be a life-changer.

I believe that there's so much more than what I can see in front of me.

I believe that I have gone through everything in my life, for a purpose beyond my understanding.

I believe there's an answer for everything, but I'm not always supposed to know the answers.

I believe that at some point, my kids' dad and I will become good friends. I'm hopeful.

I believe that I will be stronger than even my own mother, someday.

I believe I will inspire my kids someday, as my mom has inspired me and my brother.

I believe I am a role model to others.

I believe I will be a leader, someday.

I believe that I am destined to live in the South someday soon!

I believe that I am exactly where I am meant to be.

I believe that I am capable of being happier alone than I am with someone else, for now.

I believe I have the best friends and family in the world.

I believe that I am destined to live a very successful, happy life.



HAPPY EASTER!

Make it a season of second chances. It's time to start fresh, look at things from a new perspective, jump into everything full-force and be willing to mess up. Take wrong turns, just for the adventure. Learn from your past, but don't repeat it. Be the bigger person, and admit when you're wrong. Plan for the future, but do everything for TODAY. And most of all, be open to the beauty of love. 

X388

30 is the new 20, right?

So my thirties didn't start out the best! My ex boyfriend promised to throw me a surprise party (that I had already planned for him), and that didnt' pan out. And I was okay with it. It was annoying, but what was I thinking leaving minor any details up to a man? I still had an awesome birthday celebration! About two weeks later, I got dumped. Okay, so the first month of my thirties was HORRIBLE. But...that's over now. It's now almost three months later and I'm finally snapping out of my funk! AND, I just read an article on Yahoo that said according to a survey, people said they were happiest when they were thirty-three! Have I mentioned how much I'm looking forward to turning thirty-three?! LOL!

I will say though, that since I turned thirty I notice that there's been a slight change in my way of thinking. I've become more of a planner. I've made lists (and not just for the purpose of seeing my own handwriting, like usual) about things I want to get accomplished. I've set a five-year plan (which I MIGHT share with everyone at some point). And I think most importantly, I've set higher expectations for myself and have shifted the focus from other people to myself. There are things I want to do this year. Changes I want to make. Goals I want to reach. I'm excited!

It's always a big joke in my family that "we're so blessed"...but it's seriously true! What in the world do any of us have to complain about?! We really are blessed! Things could be so much worse! Ya know?! I'm celebrating that today...my blessings! You should too! Enough complaining, ya'll!

April, What What?!

New goal for April....blog more. Complain less. (after today)

• Spent the weekend in Michigan, visiting family, seeing an old friend, and spending a final visit with JM.
• My family was great-- got to see my "baby" cousins and my uncle and his wife! Fun times!!!
• My old friend is a comedian now. He's a friend from high school who has made it big! He's been on Leno, Letterman, Comedy Central, and performs at clubs across the country. This is the first time I've spent time with him in years! It was SO fun catching up with him.
• The "final visit" with with JM was disappointing for so many reasons. First off, who plans a "final visit" with their ex? A farewell of sorts. Just seems odd to me. But after spending the past two months in this "is he or isn't he" bubble, it was inevitable that this was right around the corner. We both need to be completely cut out of each other's life, at least for now. JM is very set in his ways as a bachelor, and although I'll never understand it, it's the way he has chosen to live. At the same time, I'm pretty set in MY ways, and I'm not ready to budge for anyone-- not even JM. To think that he and I won't even speak anymore, breaks my soul, but it has to be this way.
• Kids have been in MN since last Friday. I'm DYING! Not only do I miss them like CRAZY, I've become more and more annoyed with Aaron everyday.
• Lilly lost her 3rd tooth on her second night at Aaron's. I had warned Aaron that this might happen, and asked him to please follow the same "tooth fairy routine" that I've done for her previous two lost teeth. In our house, the tooth fairy doesn't sneak into your room at night and replace your hidden tooth with money. Instead, you put your tooth in water and it grows money (coins), until the tooth fairy has finished growing it and takes the tooth away. Although I was willing to overlook the tooth fairy procedure that Aaron did (the tooth under the pillow thing) because maybe the tooth fairy in MN is different than the tooth fairy at home, I can't overlook the fact that he LOST HER TOOTH! WWWWWWWWWWWHAT?! How do you LOSE your daughter's tooth?! Especially for Aaron-- this was the first tooth that he saw her lose! How do you LOSE IT?! I'm livid!
• Aaron has kept the kids busy 24/7. They are constantly going somewhere or doing something. He has spent ZERO alone time with them. They're always with his mom or sister or his girlfriend. It's just frustrating that he CANNOT be alone with them-- he doesn't know how to interact with them, so he has to have other people around as buffers. It makes me sad for the kids. I know they're having fun, but I don't doubt that they would enjoy some alone time with their dad.
• I CANNOT wait to have them back home! Although I always love the break from reality, I constantly worry about them while they're gone. I just want them back home NOW! Saturday can't come soon enough!
• Did I mention Aaron quit his job last week and doesn't have anything else lined up? Can't wait to see how he pays child support now! Ugh!
• Tis the season for yard work. Gretchen HATES yard work. I finally got my mower up and running yesterday and mowed the lawn for the first time this year. I'm so grateful to be a homeowner, but what the heck was I thinking not hiring a lawn boy? LOL! This MAY be added to the monthly budget for the summer months.
• My raise went into full effect beginning April 1st. So glad for that!
• The house projects continue...still trying to find a landscaper who can work with my tiny little budget of $1500!
• I've eaten take-out everyday since my kids went to MN. I should feel guilty, but sadly I don't. What's wrong with me?!
• I have all day off on Friday for Good Friday!!! I cannot wait...although I have no plans! LOL!
• I've taken complete advantage of being alone the past few nights. I have worn zero make-up, put on jammies at 5pm, and laid on the couch, sometimes even dozing off, then drag myself to bed at 11pm! I still sleep with a light on in the hallway (okay so maybe it's not just Anderson who needs the extra light at night). And I wake up at the very last possible second, giving myself JUST enough time to get ready for work.

Okay, so I promise that I'm going to make this the most positive month of blogging! I just needed to get it all out of my system! Ready! Set! Go!!!