There's no easy or pretty way to say what I'm thinking. There's no simple way to explain the thoughts that are flooding my mind. And although you may not understand why I'm writing this, there is a purpose in writing it.
Recently I starting following a complete stranger's blog. One of my other blogger friends follows her and I got hooked on her "story" and starting following her too. You can read Amy's story here. Anyway, at the risk of sounding like a complete blog-stalker, I started reading some of the blogs that this girl follows, and came across this one. OH. MY. GOSH. I sat at my computer for over an hour yesterday just engrossed in Jessica's blog. For those who aren't interested in reading it, or don't become completely obsessed with her story like I did, let me explain her story. Jessica and her husband had a beautiful little girl, Elizabeth. Elizabeth passed away from cancer at the age of five. Jessica writes about the many different emotions that she goes through after the death of her daughter. As a mother of a five year old daughter, it made me literally sick to think of losing her, and of having to ever experience the things that these parents experienced (or are experiencing). Yes, I know many of you are probably thinking that it's incredibly morbid for me to even be thinking these things, but after reading her blog, I couldn't help but go "there".
I realized that I have used my blog as a way to talk about myself and not so much about my kids. I want this blog be a journal of my thoughts for the kids to eventually go back and read one day and see the silly things that they were doing, the things they said,the things we went through as a family. Sure, I love writing about my love story, and I want the kids to be able to look back and see how this relationship started and played out in the beginning (and hopefully they'll witness it throughout their life because JM and I will still be together!). But, even more so, if anything ever happened to me or to one of them, I want to be able to have this blog as a catalog of our lives. I want these memories to last a lifetime, no matter how long or short that may be.
Again, not to take it to the "dark side" but I have to be realistic that life on earth is a gift, and that it can end at anytime. As much as the kids drive me bonkers at times, I never want to live life without them. I cannot imagine not seeing their face every single day or not hearing their precious voices every single day. I can't imagine seeing piles of toys go unused or closets of clothes go unworn.
As cliche as it is, it's true that life is too short. My mom once sent me a quote that said "Enjoy the little things in life for one day they will become the big things." This is so true and I pray that I can live everyday with this in mind.
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