They're All Gone

I typically write on the eve of my kids' long trip to MN. I guess since they weren't in MN all summer (you remember that fiasco), I was a littttttttttle ready for the long break. I realize that sounds like the worst thing a mother should say. But after the hectic (yet amazing) year that we've had, I was ready for the break from reality. The kids in MN, my husband in MT. It was the seemingly perfect setup for a stressed out, tired, and emotionally drained mom and wife.....Except that it wasn't. Less than an hour after I was home from dropping the kids off in Chicago, I sat down thinking that I would relax with a bottle of wine, a romcom from Redbox, and put the cleaning that I promised myself I would do while they were gone off until tomorrow. And then I got a text from our realtor saying that we had a showing the next day! Oh brother! So I put the wine away, paused the movie, and got to cleaning. Of course my house isn't terribly messy, but there were Christmas presents that needed homes in our already crowded house, kids' sheets to wash, and clean clothes from the laundry to put away. A few hours later, I was done. Ready to relax. Except that I didn't. It was almost 9:30pm and I took my lonely self upstairs and went to bed.
Every time the kids leave, I think of all these great plans I'll make. The friends I'll catch up with. The tasty restaurants I'll try out. I think of the cleaning I'll get done. The naps I'll take. But I never do any of those things, and then before I know it the kids are back and we're back to the chaotic day-to-day routines that are our lives! And I kinda love it. 

2014

This year was the second time I put my blog link on our family Christmas cards. In the past, it was a great way for out-of-town family to keep connected. This year, my intention is to be much more family-focused and less Gretchen-focused on my blog (don't worry peeps, I promise not to write about every little milestone my kids cross...although Anderson is about to lose his first tooth and I'd be lying to say I'm not a wee bit sad about the enormity of this. So don't be too disappointed to read about the loss of my baby's lateral incisor. You've been warned.) This blog never started out with a greater purpose. It was simply me putting down my day-to-day journey through my un-directed life. Now I realize how much more there is to this life and I don't want to miss anything about it. As with every year, my goal is to document more. More of our marriage. More of my kids' growth. More of our family joys. More of our real (messy) life. Oh I absolutely love our life.  If ya'll don't mind, I'd like to write a quick note to each member of my little family and let them know what they've meant to me over the past year and where I hope we'll all go in the coming months...

Lilly, 
You are my absolute true joy. You are so much like me, good and bad, that it sometimes scares me. I've seen you grow so much over the past year. You've accepted the changes that have been thrown your way this year with mostly grace. I feared so much at what my marriage may have done to your growing mind and changing heart. I worried that you would feel unneeded, unloved, confused, or even angry. I've not seen these things in your behaviors, and if I'm being completely honest I'm a little shocked. I'm not sure I could handle these changes at such a confusing young age. I'm proud of you. And thank you for all you've done for our family over the past year. You continue to be my very best friend...I wish it would stay that way forever! You're a very pretty little girl! You change before my eyes daily. I've watched you become quite the little writer this year, even starting your own blog and writing in many different journals. You are so incredibly helpful with your brother, especially at school and with the bus (Bus 2 Bubbs!) I love seeing your beautiful soul. My hope for this coming year is that you continue to write, that you continue sharing your heart with people around you. My hope is that you'll come to me and Charlie with any problems or concerns that you have and that you always know that your heart is safe with us. And most of all,  I hope you and your brother get along better this year! Hehehe!

Anderson, 
My little gem. I've watched you grow so much this year into the little boy who now touches frogs, dreams of owning an ATV, and has a very good man in his life to mimic. I apologize for the things I made you miss out on in the past...but I never really liked frogs or slimy things! I'm grateful that you have Charlie for those things now! hehehe! I'm proud of your educational milestones. You're a smart little man and I'm SO proud of you for that. You are so goofy, and though sometimes we have to muffle it a bit, my hope is that you'll never lose that personality. You pick up on things so quickly and you can build a Lego set like it's nobody's business! Holy cow! It's super awesome! My hope for you over the next twelve months is that you continue learning every single day. That you use your silly behavior for good. That you continue loving me like every son should love his mommy. I pray that you appreciate the things we have in life. I hope you discover more and more "manly" things with Charlie, and most of all I hope and pray that you don't break a bone doing something crazy! (and stop telling me I'm afraid of everything. Trampolines ARE dangerous and you're NOT getting a bike with shocks this year so stop asking!)

Charlie, 
My one true love. This past year has been incredible, emotional, overwhelming, romantic, special, and even hard. You continue to stick with me, support me, and love me. You are as patient as one man can possibly be. You have given up your house, your dogs, and everything you've known for the past 31 years, all to move here with us. You have gone from a single, simple man to a husband and a father of two crazy babies.  I have learned so much from you. Your faith. Your patience. Your behavior. You have shown me what true love means and you've made me feel safe and protected. My hope for you over the next year is that you'll continue growing in our marriage. I hope that you'll continue to lead our family in a way that is Christ-honoring. I hope that you never stop learning, never stop studying me, never stop growing in your faith. I pray that you continue to learn what your role is as a father to Lilly and Anderson, and the enormity that it is. I pray that God blesses our family, our marriage, and these kids in ways we never imagined. 


Happy New Year's, all.

The Best Present

Before I met Charlie, I never imagined that I would find someone who would truly love and adore my kids enough. I have very high expectations, especially when it comes to loving my kids, and it just never occurred to me that someone could actually live up to those expectations. Of course I realized very early on (read: the first night) that Charlie was absolutely amazing and would be a WONDERFUL boyfriend, but I never imagined in my wildest dreams that he would be such a loving dad to my kids. Everything in my relationship with Charlie moved extremely quickly (engaged after just three months, married four months after that), even meeting my kids. I had a very strict six-month rule. I would never bring someone that I was dating around my kids until I was "sure" about him. I can honestly say that only one other man besides their dad ever met my kids. Obviously, something about Charlie made me want to break my six-month rule. The first time Charlie spent time with my kids, it was when we took Anderson to a hockey game for his fifth birthday. I sit here reflecting on that night because my baby Anderson turns six tomorrow. It's incredible to think back to last year. I was so nervous about taking Charlie on this little outing with Anderson, but at the same time, I knew Anderson wouldn't want to just go with boring ole' mom. Little did I know Anderson would be Charlie's little buddy and I would hold a little less special place in his teeny tiny heart. Flash forward to this Christmas....

You know how your kids always make cute little gifts at school around the holidays? It's always an ornament with their little face plastered on a popsicle stick or a piece of foam shaped in the shape of a star. Regardless, I was looking forward to this present this year...but it never came! Instead, I walked in the door one evening and noticed a box under the tree that read To: Charlie From: Anderson  Thinking that my present MUST be under the tree somewhere too, I started digging around only to discover that there was no present for me. I asked Charlie about the gift from Anderson and he just laughed, "I don't know babe! He didn't mention one for you." Ummm, WHAT? My thoughts went a little something like "EXCUSE ME? I BIRTHED YOU, SON!" So I did what any normal mom would do. I ripped open the taped box, (carefully of course) to see what my son made for Charlie. And that's when it happened....Full. On. Meltdown. It was one of those ugly cries, desperate for some empathy from my husband, crushed that surely this mean my son loves me less.

So there we are, Christmas morning. THE gift comes out. I see Anderson run to Charlie to give him the taped box. I sense Charlie looking at me from the corner of his eyes, a slight grin on his face. I rolled my eyes and watched two of my favorite men sitting close, opening this box. And it hit me...this love is exactly what I wanted. This was the relationship I had prayed for, even long before I met Charlie. And in only one year, the two most important boys in my life were buddies. I couldn't have asked for a better present.

Christmas with the Coynes!

Yesterday, we celebrated our first Christmas together as a family of four! It's so crazy to think that just last year at this time, Charlie and I were newly dating, texting 1500 times a day, and absolutely infatuated with each other after only spending a few days together. I looked back at a picture of the kids and me from last Christmas and although life has always been good with my kids, it's awesome to know that things have changed so much for all of us this year. Having Charlie in our lives has been a true blessing. He has brought the "boy" out in Anderson, he's shown Lills how a good man behaves, and he's been a rock for me and this family. (It goes without saying that there have been struggles, of course.)
Yesterday was my first Christmas with the Coynes and it was just as great as I imagined it would be. Last year I remember getting all these texts from Charlie and facebook messages from his sister telling me that I should go over and meet the whole family. WHOA! Although I definitely would have if I could, I just couldn't slip away from my family Christmas to go meet everyone. But this year, being a part of that Coyne family Christmas, was perfect. I'm so grateful for such amazing in-laws. I know not everyone gets so lucky! The day was great and it was the perfect way to kick of the Christmas week!

Sunny Days Are Ahead

I have said a thousand times over that I feel like we go through things in life to teach us a lesson...not that God is punishing us and making us "learn our lesson" but rather to go through things and learn from them and react in a way that is honoring to Him. I also believe that sometimes we are used as examples to other people. That we go through situations and that, even if we don't learn from our situation, that someone else may be watching and learning from us. I know that I've failed at this so many times. I know that I've questioned situations a lot. I also know that it's all coming full circle in my life now.
I oftentimes wonder why I had two children with a person who was a drug addict. How did that happen to me? I would question God..."God why would you put me in a relationship with someone so abusive and sick?" Looking back, I guess I got mad at God for that. I remember though, going to the Family Program at the treatment center in MN that Aaron was at. I remember meeting a man who Aaron took to pretty much right away. "Karl with a K" he would say. Karl with a K was a bit older than Aaron...he had kids Aaron's age, in fact. But for whatever reason, Karl took Aaron under his wing and during my weekend at the treatment center I got the chance to learn a lot about Karl. I just remember thinking "Shut up! We have SO much in common!" And whether or not that was true, it just showed me that God put people in my life at that time that I could relate to. Karl became a friend. I thought about him often when I came back home. In fact, after both Aaron and Karl got out of treatment, Karl hired Aaron to come work for him. When my kids would go to MN to visit Aaron, Karl would hang out with my kids. The kids called him Uncle Karl! To this day I am thankful for the opportunity to meet him...even if it was at a drug and alcohol treatment center!
My point with that story is that I truly believe each person comes into our life for a reason. And I believe that each situation serves a lesson. My life with Aaron seems like a hundred years ago. And although I have few good memories of my years with him, I know that I went through it all with him for a reason. I have had so many close friends struggle with a loved one's addiction. I have heard stories of other girls who are in a seemingly hopeless relationship. I know that each of them have to find their own way, but it hurts my guts to know what they're going through. I want to fast forward life for each of them and show them that it will get better. They will find their way out of this exhausting roller coaster and they will look back and wonder why they wasted so many tears. It seems that so many addicts have the same story. I have seen this with the two addicts in my own life. I see the disappointment that my own dad has caused and I've seen the damage Aaron has done too. It would be impossible to ignore the similarities between the two. My prayer is that my story can be a motivational one for other people. It is possible to go on. That first year without Aaron was the hardest time of my life, but I look at where I am now and I know that I'm only "here" because of what I went through then. I learned things about myself that I never knew existed. I humbled myself in ways that I never imagined having to do. I did it all because I had no other choice. I had two tiny little babies depending on me and counting on me to keep it together. And although there were dark days, we made it through and the sun is now shining brighter than ever before.

Five On Friday? Five For Friday? Hive Five Friday? FRIDAY!

1) We have a showing on the house tomorrow! I'm trying not to get my hopes up about this because the house has had many other showings now (errr, at least 5...in the past month and a half). Ugh whatever! But, I can't help but feel like maybe this one could be different? Only time will tell, huh? 

2) The past week has been blah for me. I have been feeling a lil funny....sick, I suppose. After three nights of going to bed less than 45 minutes after my kids, I am starting to feel on the mend. I'm thinking it's mostly weather-induced (I loathe cold temperatures!). I'm seriously considering a happy lamp. I could picture myself perched contently under the fake rays for a little mood-lift at the end of every night! (I promise to post pictures if I go to this extreme.)

3) Three of my girlfriends from high school and I have started an online bible study. This being our first one, we're keeping it small. But I'm excited to see where this goes for us. We're all tainted girls with an ugly past (ugh, stupid college years!), but we're all Christians now and it's so awesome to see how God has brought us all together again to share in this journey.

4) Have I mentioned how grateful I am that my husband didn't get deployed this Fall? I am so thankful that he's home every day with us and helps as much as he does. I should tell him to this more often. I'll start today. #beintentional

5) I start back working out with my trainer next week. I'm scared. Happy. Anxious. Tired. And sore just thinking about it. I'm so happy to be getting off my booty and to be getting back into a routine with her, but if I'm being totally honest, I don't love (or even like) working out. I have a new love for yoga, but I don't even do that regularly anymore. I should really commit to things better. Maybe I'll start that today too. Eh. Tomorrow. (And you see how I've gained so much weight since my wedding). #oink

God's Provisions

It was hard to go back to work yesterday after the four day weekend. Can I get an Amen? It was harder than the normal Monday. It was harder than the normal four-day-weekend-Monday. It was one of those mornings where I wanted to lay in bed, kicking and screaming "no! I won't go!" until I finally got my way. Well, that didn't happen (the getting my way, not the kicking and screaming- that really did happen). So I went to work and did what I do. But I sit here today (at the coffee shop) thinking again about how I don't want to go to work today. I want to sit here and write all day long. And I want to read the hilarious (yet somehow educational) book that I bought Sunday. I want to be inspired. I want to inspire others. But I don't know how that can happen. I don't know how I can fully vest myself in that without changing a lot of other things in my life. And I'm 99% sure my husband is panicking while reading this right now, fearing that I'm going to quit my job and spend 9 hours a day at the coffee shop writing and reading. (Calm down hubbs, I won't do that!)

My mother-in-law is moving across the country in just a few short weeks. She's going to Scobey, MT...population 1074, to teach kids about Jesus. Ahhh! She is seriously AH-MAY-ZING! If there ever was an inspirational  person in this world, it's my mother-in-law. She felt that God was maybe calling her in a different direction in life, so she took a two week vacation for some clarity, and came back and announced to her family that she was moving! She doesn't know how it will all work out, and she really hasn't figured out all the details, but she is trusting that God will provide and that this is what He's calling her to do. I mean, if you're gonna move across country to a teeny tiny town, twenty miles from Canada (or whatever is it), it better be for a good reason (Hey Jesus!). I just admire her courage. I admire her strength. And I admire her faith in the Lord and for trusting in His provisions. And...I want that. I want to love like that. I want to trust like that. I want faith like that. I want to do what I am passionate about in life like she has done over the past 25 years of her life. 

"The longer the journey, the higher the risk, the greater the need for provision."