Romans. And Me Being Me.

I have to let you in on a little secret. I'm currently sitting in my favorite coffee shop writing. This is literally something I've envisioned doing for the past...ohhh 5 years. I know that many of you bloggers do this every single day, but I've never been able to do it..for one reason. My laptop. Take out the fact that it's from 1987 and has to always be plugged in, but it also weighs more than my first born child. It was just never convenient! My husband got sick of hearing me complain about this, and bought me a cute little Samsung Chromebook. It's PERFECT for everything I need to do! I'm ERB-SESSED with it! (Thank you husband!)

So, here I am at the coffee shop (eeeeee!), computer open, coffee in hand (well, not exactly but you get it), and my Bible open. We spent some time in Romans last Sunday and the message is something I CANNOT get outta my mind. It's funny because as I opened up to Romans, I found page after page after page after page of old church bulletins, many of them with passages from Romans. So then I think "Self, you need to dive into Romans. What is there that you're not doing? What are you overlooking?" Wowza! There's a lot. Romans Chapter 12 is quite literally one of my favorite lessons in the Bible. (especially 12: 6-8) More on that later...

I can't help but reflect back to a quote in an email that hit me like a ton of bricks last week. It said "your beliefs don't make you a better person, your behavior does." It's interesting because when I read that I instantly felt like this person wrote it directed towards me. Ouch. It got me thinking...if this offends me so badly, it must be because I'm doing something wrong. When Charlie and I first started dating, we would have hour long conversations about our faith and what we wanted for each other and for our family. I remember driving to Ohio one afternoon on one of our impromptu diner road trips and telling him my vision for my blog. (I've written about this a hundred times on here and have done very little about it) He was encouraging, of course. Look, my life isn't easy. My life isn't hard. My life just IS. It's a lot like yours, I'm sure. I've tried a lot to be someone else- someone whose blog I read, someone who I work with, someone who I go to church with, someone who is a Pinterest queen, the perfect wife, the perfect mom, the perfect daughter, the perfect Christian...I'm none of those people. I'm just Me. I read a Rick Warren Daily Hope this weekend about being yourself. At the end it said "There's something liberating about just being yourself. The quickest way to an ulcer is to try to be somebody you're not. If you want to live an effective life, just relax and be yourself."

Back to Romans, (whew...stay with me folks!) Paul encourages us to use our spiritual gift. We each have a specific gift and we are to use that gift to the best of our ability. My gift is different than everyone else's. My spiritual gift was created just for me, and when I find myself trying to use my voice the way that someone else does, I feel deflated when I fall short. I'm not an eloquent speaker. I'm not a graceful writer. I'm not overly fabulous at anything (just ask my mom about the time my piano teacher told my mom to stop wasting money on my piano lessons!). My fear is that I'll go through life trying to mimic someone else's spiritual gift and I'll never truly find the way to use mine. Eeeek. That's scary. I think it just reminds me that I need to do what I do, and what I do, I need to do it intentionally.

I can't speak enough of what it means to go through life doing things intentionally. Imagine my excitement when I heard our pastor saying "use your gift intentionally. BE intentional." YES! Instantly I thought of my marriage and our promise to each other. It excites me to be married to someone who wants the same things for our marriage and who promises to love me intentionally. Just the same, I want to live intentionally so that if/when I "find" my spiritual gift, I'll be doing it to the best of my ability. I never want to get to Heaven and stand before God and say "I'm sorry that I failed you. I'm sorry that I didn't try harder to live my life for You. I'm sorry that I never gave it my ALL. I'm sorry that I tried so hard to be someone else that I never really got to be who You intended me to be. I'm sorry that I didn't do everything with YOU as my guide. I'm sorry that I didn't intentionally live my life for You." Ugh. Scary stuff ya'll.

Catch Up, Ya'll.

I've been  intending to write for a few weeks, but we've been busy with back-to-school routines, tennis lessons, work, and other fun LIFE things.

• Anderson spent three days last week at home with tonsillitis and a fever. Charlie was a blessing and stayed home with him two of the days. Andy is officially on the mend and doing much better.
• Charlie and I had a date night a couple weeks ago. Neither of us were available to do anything on the weekend, but I knew it was still super important to plan out some "us" time. Before I came home from work one afternoon, I stopped at Target to get a plain white table cloth (why I hadn't had one up to this point, I have no idea), black napkins, a cute candle, and a new vase! I asked Charlie to stop for steaks and any pink flowers he could find (to match the candle, duh). The kids helped me set up the romantic setting(which I moved into our living room, next to the (unlit) fireplace) while Charlie went for a bike ride. I think Lilly was just as excited as I was to see Charlie's reaction to the scene! I think it turned out pretty lovely and it was SO nice to have dinner with my husband after the kids went to bed. Sometimes we get so caught up in hearing about who the kids played with at lunch recess and who got in trouble on the bus, that we fail to really talk to each other about OUR days. It was a sweet change. I've had a few friends ask me about our #beintentional motto, and this is exactly what I'm talking about. The table cloth (which I'll be able to reuse a thousand times), napkins, candle, and vase all cost me less than $35. The homemade dinner and flowers cost less than $35. This is a once-a-month thing...we can spare the occasional $70....if it helps our marriage and brings us closer together...I'll spend that $70 every single month.
• The kids have been doing well in school so far. I think Lilly is struggling this year with making new friends (her two best friends transferred schools this year). I worry about her. Anderson has been adjusting nicely to being in school all day long. He has been playing a lot of basketball during lunch recess (see?) with some boys that he already knew from church. Both of the kids started taking tennis lessons this year. Lilly would be GREAT if she only paid attention better. She is soooo busy looking around and watching other people (where does she get this?) that she sometimes fails to hear the directions from the coaches. Anderson has taken lessons a few other times so he's doing really well too (even on the 7 & 8 year old team). I would LOVE to be able to take them twice a week, but our work schedules just don't allow for that right now.
• Last month Charlie and I went to a "marriage seminar" of sorts. Kirk Cameron and Warren Barfield came to Kokomo. It just so happened to be a weekend that Charlie was at the Base working anyway, so he got tickets. Although I'm not a HUGE fan of Kirk Cameron's ministry (some of it seems a little off track at times..read: the whole FB/YouTube debacle), I do like his take on marriage. At a time when Charlie and I were still very much struggling with trying to figure out how to be married and live together and raise kids together, etc...this was exactly what we needed. I know that our marriage will always be a work in progress, it was nice to sort of hit the "refresh" button on our marriage (yes, two months into it).
• My grandpa and my mom are coming to town this morning. They're going to go to church with us and then to lunch to celebrate Grandparents day. A lot of things have been happening in my extended family lately that make me soooooooooo ridiculously grateful to have the relationship that I do with my grandpa. Although it does make me sad to spend time with him, knowing that there's something missing, I still think it's extremely important to make memories with him while we still can. I know that in the past four years I have avoided going to his house because it reminds me of my grandma being so sickly and bedridden in that house, but I know that I need to do a better job of going to see HIM instead of him just coming to see us. My grandpa is an absolute gem, and I can't help but think that he is who he is partially because of who my grandma was too.
 

Back to School..again!

It seems absolutely BONKERS that my youngest baby just started kindergarten this year. And even more than that it's IMPOSSIBLE to think that my little Lilly is in second grade. But...the school year is once again upon us! This time around I've had Charlie by my side through the emotional roller coaster that comes with getting two babies through their (and my) first week back!
Anderson wasn't nervous at all about starting a new school. I definitely think his time at "Junior K" helped tremendously. He was used to a structured day, with lessons and (very little) homework. He handled the transition like a CHAMP! Lilly struggled a little on the first few minutes of the first day back. She walked with us to drop Anderson off to his new classroom, and as we left her little brother behind, her eyes welled up with tears. She knew the names of the kids in her new class, but barely recognized any of them. One of her best friends from first grade transferred to a different school, leaving poor Lills to make new friends (it's rough being seven!)!
As the first few days passed, Lilly seemed to be adjusting just fine. Anderson has already made a few new friends and talks non-stop about his teacher! This makes my heart very happy! Here are a few pictures I was able to snap of them on the morning of day one! How cute are these babies?



Cute little goodie bags for the first day of school!

First day of Kindergarten, 2013

My precious little lady!

First day of Second Grade, 2013

Someone didn't want to leave her baby brother!

Monday, Aug 12th...more...

I apologize for leaving you all on the edge of your seats as Aaron and I battled it out in court....errrrr actually it went nothing like that, really. Truth is, I wrote more that night but our oh-so-lovely-1947-Toshiba-laptop took a huge poo on me that night and I lost everything I had written. I'm working on getting the hubbs to agree to a pretty new MacBook, won't you pray for me! Well, basically if you were praying for us that morning, it worked. After three months of swearing that he wouldn't "negotiate" with me, Aaron did just that. We worked out a visitation schedule that we were both comfortable with (read: exactly the one we'd been doing for the previous four years). And his request to lower child support substantially, was denied. Kids, this is just a prime example of what happens when you have God on your side, with a ton of prayer warriors...oh, and doing the right and honest thing doesn't hurt either. We're still waiting to find out exactly when he starts paying child support again (we're going on well over 15 weeks without it now), and we couldn't agree on a couple things, so we're waiting to hear from the courts on those issues. But for now, the majority of it is settled-- the biggest thing is that I'm OVER THE MOON thrilled that I won't be putting my babies on a plane at the beginning of summer, only to see them again seven weeks later. Amen!

Monday, Aug 12th...the beginning.

In a couple hours I'll be in a court room listening to a judge tell me what's best for my kids. Aaron started this court process about three months ago, after four years of he and I working together when deciding visitation and child support. When I announced that I was going to be getting married, Aaron filed paperwork to get things set up through the courts. I'm not at all upset that we're making things legal, it's definitely time. But the way he went about it and the way he has treated both me and the kids since filing is not something that's easy to overlook.
He gave up the four weeks of visitation for the summer, stopped paying child support, and has only called the kids a few times in the past three months or more. To say that he has done a total 180 would be the only way to accurately describe his actions.
With that all said, it's frustrating (and gut-wrenching) to know that someone who doesn't know my kids will be determining what's "best" for them. Aaron is asking that the kids spend seven weeks of their summer break with him in Minnesota, as well as half of Christmas break and all of spring break. There are a thousand reasons why this is a terrible idea. He is also asking to pay significantly less in child support.
I know this decision is out of my hands at this point (it always has been, huh?). I trust that God has His hand on the situation and I know that whatever the outcome, it will be just as it was meant to be.  I know that I only have to be honest because I have nothing to hide. My kids are my motive behind every decision that I make. I do things the "right" way and I don't try to weasel my way through life's complicated situations.

“If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don’t you think he’ll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I’m trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God’s giving. People who don’t know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don’t worry about missing out. You’ll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matthew 6: 31-33 MSG

If it's not too much trouble, I'm asking for prayers in this situation. Pray that God will have His hand on the attorneys and the judge today. Pray for me to have the strength to handle whatever the outcome is. Pray that God would open Aaron's heart and mind to help him do the right thing. Pray that my kids come out of this situation unchanged and unaffected by any negativity that has occurred. Pray that they know and feel the love that so many people have for them.


....to be continued

Dance with Me

I promised my husband that I wouldn't put our relationship on blast here in my blog, but I think there are certain aspects to our relationship that others can benefit from my sharing.  As I mentioned in earlier posts since our marriage, it's been tough getting into a flow of adding a forth person to the mix. There are "boy" things in our house (and garage) that I've never seen before...but tools, boxers, and foot cream aside, there are emotional wounds that have reopened in both of us that neither of us expected to resurface. Things from our past that we had dealt with individually, but had never envisioned how they may pop up in future relationships. I won't put Charlie's past issues on here, but I have no shame admitting my shortcomings publicly.
I am a self-admitted-control-freak. I am very use to "handling" things on my own. I am use to blaming no one but myself for mistakes that I caused, and dealing with the consequences for my actions. Coming into this marriage, I guess I was very unprepared to "let go" of that control. I can say that I struggle with letting go because I'm scared of being "left" in control again...but if I'm completely honest, that's not really it. I don't fear Charlie leaving. I don't worry that I may have to "take over" again. So then I don't really know why I struggle at letting go. I can't just blow it off and say "that's just how I am," but that's sooo unfair. This a partnership, not a dictatorship. I can say "that's how I had to be," but things are different now and I don't need to be that way anymore.
This is something I've really been struggling with in our marriage...six-ish weeks in. It's scary to have these things pop up from the past because I thought I had dealt with them...and I supposed maybe I had...but not in the realm of marriage. The hardest thing has been learning to let go, learning that Charlie's intentions are pure and good, and that everything he does he does out of love. He wants the very best for me and the kids, even when he does things differently than I would do them. We are different people and we are going to take different paths to get to a place we both want to be.
I suppose this is all part of maturity. We studied Ephesians 4: 1-16 this morning at church and wowza. It was like a slap in the forehead, saying "helllloooooo, grow up!" It's time to live a life focused on faith, to lose the selfish behavior, to look beside me and see the man who is willing to walk this faith journey with me, to dance and not trudge through this journey with me. It's a partnership. He wants to dance with me- to be in step with me. My husband, my best friend, wants the same things that I want. I trust that. I want to move easily with him, dance with him, through this journey. It's time for me to stop trudging and shuffling my feet through life...I have a dance partner now. Ahh, what a feeling!

"By No Means!" -Paul

As I sat down to blog this morning I was looking over my "notes" that I jotted down during this morning's sermon...the words "cray cray" and "bonkers" are on the page. Preach Gretch, preach! Our pastor was talking about a trip he went on two years ago and how he made a mental note to make the next five years of his life the best five years yet. And he asked himself how he had done during these past two years since he made that vow to himself...and then he asked us to think back two yeas ago and see if anything was different in our own life.
My first thought was to come look at my blog two years ago and see where I was during that season of my life. I'm proud to say that I think I've grown a lot, especially in my relationships. But I was disappointed to see that as I read through my different posts from August of 2011, I'm dealing with a lot of the same issues that I did then. Bummer. Which brings me to my "bonkers" and "cray cray" notes..Romans 6:1-5 talks about how God forgives and that His grace is never-ending, but that doesn't give us the right to keep sinning. We must live a changed life. Just because we know we will be forgiven does not give us the excuse to keep living our "old" way of life.
For a lot of Christians there's this "ah ha" moment where it all really sunk in...when they realized the seriousness of what it meant when Jesus died for their sins. I still can't fully understand it, but I want to so badly. I remember blogging about the freedom I felt knowing that I'm not alone and that I can't do life on my own. I wrote about it here. But I don't think I completely get it when I think of the enormity that Christ died for me and my sins NOW.
Anderson got caught up in a lie this past week. And when he realized he was busted (I'm the mom, I know everything!) he walked over to Charlie and said "what does the Bible say about telling lies." Charlie proceeded to talk to him about how lying is a sin and that Jesus died on the cross for us and for our sins...to which Anderson said "yeah, but he came back to life." (touche') When he came back out to me, I asked him what Charlie said and he regurgitated what his little five-year-old-mind comprehended. And when he got to the part about Jesus dying on the cross for our sins he said "but I wasn't alive back then so they weren't my sins." Crap.
I don't have to completely understand why Jesus died for our sins, I just need to know that He did. Follow me? I was given a second chance. I was given a chance at a new life, and sadly I see remnants of my old life probably everyday. I need to live my life differently. I want my life to look differently than non-believers. I don't know if it really does right now. Sure, I go to church and we pray before meals, etc... but does my language, my actions, my heart really scream "I'm a Christ follower!"? I'm not sure it does. Ouch. If my heart feels changed, why do my actions not show it?
'Tis time to start livin' differently.
#bedifferent #beintentional