Naked

I mentioned in a recent post about how vulnerable I felt after witnessing a horrible fire and how scared I was that I wouldn't be "enough" to keep my kids safe. I have thought about this many more times over the past week and I've come to the conclusion that this incident has changed me. Something in my heart has been changed.
With the most recent events in Newtown, CT it has once again been on the forefront of my mind. The truth is, I'm not enough. While I trust that I was chosen by God to be Lilly and Anderson's mom, He is still their Father. He's still the one in control of our fate. He is still the one we should be looking to for guidance and love and understanding. He's the one who holds us and protects us. I can't do this on my own- I'm not meant to do it on my own.
With this realization comes a freedom, a nakedness. I feel like I can only do so much before things are out of my hands. I feel like the best thing I can do is pray for protection. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for love. Pray for freedom from worry. God loves us. He wants the best for us. He has promised this to us over and over. Psalm 56:3 says "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You"  We are called to put our faith in Christ. We are meant to lean on Him and not on our own understandings. We aren't meant to go through life alone. We are meant to do life with other people- with people who will be there for us and pray over us. We are meant to do life with people who will hold us up when we're scared, people who will fill that gap when we're failing, people who will protect us and hold us and watch over us. What a freeing realization, no?

Mommy Perks

Being a mom is so rewarding and all that other good stuff...but let's be honest, there are some definite benefits when it comes to having kids (other than the obvious ones, der). I present you with....

Mommy Perks

1. Pre-boarding on most airlines
2. Someone to do the chores that you don't want to do (I call it teaching responsibility, you call it what you want!)
3. Excuse to get out of nearly ANY event you want to miss ("Kids are sick, sorrry I have to miss your baby shower!")
4. Reason to watch Disney shows, kid movies, and listen to teeny-bopper music (Bieber fever anyone?)
5. Someone to get you the remote when it's four feet away from you
6. Excuse to go to bed extremely early, even on a weekend
7. Extra arms to carry groceries
8. Assigning additional chores as punishment (see #2)
9. Being able to make your child cuddle with you when you're cold (or sad)
10. Having a miniature (better) version of yourself

Am I Enough?

As a parent I think we all have our insecurities, but last night something hit me harder than ever before. For those of you who are friends with me on FB you know that there was a house fire near my house last night. To say that it was scary would be the understatement of the universe. Not only had I never seen a house fire, but the flames and the noises that were coming from the fire were like nothing I've ever witnessed before. It was insane. My legs instantly started shaking, my hands were sweating. I panicked. I don't know why this made such an impact on me, but it did. I called my mom at 11:30 (something NO parent wants to wake up to). I just couldn't believe what I was seeing and I had to know that I wasn't alone. I needed my mom, y'all!
Once things calmed down a little bit and I was able to peal myself away from the window, I sat down on my bed and just started thinking about every possible scenario. I ran through our fire escape route and our meeting place that Lilly had designated just a few months earlier (the Moon family's fence!). I went over what I'd do if a tornado was coming. I thought about what I would do if someone tried to break in. I ran through what our plan would be for every possible scenario that I could think of...and still, at the end of it, I wondered if I would ever really be prepared for these types of things. All I wondered was "what if I'm not enough?" What if I wasn't able to get both of my kids out of the house? What if I couldn't protect them? What if I messed up? What. If. I. Failed.
Someone wise told me that I should never again question if I'm enough. He encouraged me to never again say things like "I might not be enough." And even though I told him that that's how I felt he assured me that our feelings aren't everything. Ummm rude. I get it though. I get that I was created to be just as I am. I get that I'm enough, right now. And I get that I was created to be THE mom to Lilly and Anderson. And trust me folks, I'm grateful. Soo grateful. I just want to be sure that I am enough. I just want to be sure that I can protect them. That's scary stuff. I've always known that I was the sole provider and protector of those kids, but seeing that fire last night just lit (no pun intended) something in my soul. It hit me so hard that it's JUST me and those kids. It's all on me. So. Scary.

Asking The Tough Questions

Lately I've become an "asker"...in that I'll ask ANYTHING. I've noticed that for a lot of my adult life I've held myself back because I was afraid to ask. This probably comes as a shock to those who know me well and know me to be pretty vocal...about. everything. But when things are really confusing to me, or when things just don't seem to have a clear answer, I think I've either assumed an answer (which we know what happens then) or I've just not asked. I feel so confident in myself lately that I don't feel afraid to ask the tough questions. I'm not afraid of the answers anymore. Maybe because I know, no matter what the answer, I'll be alright. Or maybe this is part of growing up-- that you want to seek out answers to life's questions. Whatever the reason, I like asking the questions.

Ah-may-zing!

We sang this today at church and, although I've heard it a hundred times before, it really moved me today. Rumor has it I have some prayer warriors out there. Let me just say that I feel it and I am loving it. I never want to lose this feeling...

Sticking With Me...

I was driving home yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks...I've been a difficult friend this year. I've put myself before most of my friendships. I got so wrapped up in the turmoil of my relationship with JM that I failed to look at everything that I had right in front of me- the relationships that had been there through thick and thin. I doubted everything and everyone. It's embarrassing to look back at the past year and realize the mistakes that I made, the relationships that I've hurt. All I can say now is thank you to those who have stuck with me. I am insanely lucky to have the cheerleaders that I do in my life.

I Want That

Have you ever been around someone who just really challenges you...like challenges you to be a better person? And somehow, it seems unintentional  on their part. You see the way this person lives and just is and you long for that for yourself. I'm not talking about someone having things that you don't have, it's not about money or material things at all. It's truly a way of life-- the way they live. You look at them and you see what a GOOD person they are and you just wonder HOW they do it. And when you hear their story you think, "that's not too far off from what I've been through..so why am I not like that?" And the answer is simple. It's a choice. A choice to just do the right thing.

I think we all have our own version of "right" and we all have our own measure of "goodness"... but what if we all lived for the same standards? What if we all chose to live God's version of "right" and lived to seek His measure of "goodness"? I wonder what that would look like?