POP! BOOM! BANG! POP! BOOOOM! SNAP! SQUEEEEEAK!

Happy 4th! After a boomlicious week, filled with super loud firecrackers, insanely annoying pops, and midnight waking-fits performed by both of my little tots, I've been wondering...what's the fascination one has these idiotic explosives we call entertainment? Why do we get enjoyment out of seeing burning ash float down to the ground? What's the entertainment value from hearing constant booms without the aforementioned flash? My kids are still young enough where the firework spectacle is nothing more than an interruption to their soundly-sleeping innocence. To me, it's just a hassle to hear the madness, knowing that the next "POP" will surely be the one that wakes the kids to a frazzled state! Perhaps in two years I'll look forward to letting off fireworks, lighting sparklers, and watching my kids throw "snappers" at each other's feet (just as my brother always did to me!). Until then however, I'm choosing to sit in bed (wide awake, of course...how could one sleep through the war-like noises outside my bedroom windows?!) and watch the Botson Pops Fireworks Spectacular on CBS!!!! LOL!

Reference Checks

I finally got word that Ross Edu was checking my references. Relieved that they were actually calling to find out what wonderful words my chosen references would reveal about me, I got to thinking...I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who would go to bat for me in just about every aspect of my being. The people I chose to use as lifelines were not only previous supervisors (Rachael and Dick), but also two friends (Heather and Frank) whom I knew would represent me well. After all my references had been called, each person called me to relay their kind words about me. I hung up from each and every phone conversation (or voicemail, Heather!) knowing that I have built incredible friendships with people who are not necessarily in my age group (Dick and Frank), with people who's views differ from mine on many levels (Heather!), and people who I've had rough patches with in the past (Rach!)...with all that said I'm confident that I have made an impact on each person's life to the point where they'd take time from their busy evening to help promote me as a worthwhile individual and as an asset to a company.
Sometimes our own self-destructive thoughts get in the way of what our potential really is. We get caught up in creating our own definition of ourselves, failing to take the time to notice how others see us, that we limit ourselves and stunt our personal growth. So today, I vow (and hope you will too) to get out of my own way. By focusing on the good in myself, I can start to lose the self-deprecating attitude and beliefs and start seeing myself as others see me.

I read today, "Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."

Congratulations, but ugh....

As much as I'd love to JUST be happy for my close friends who are making all these life changes, I can't help but be a little envious of them. My dear friends Shannon and Megan just recently got engaged (not to each other, but to Jason and Stephen, respectively). And while I couldn't be MORE excited for either of them, I just can't shake the feeling that while all my friends are progressing in their life, I'm regressing back to the days four years ago when I was still wondering where my place was in this giant universe. Two children, an engagement, and STILL no marriage later, I feel like I'm the only one who is standing still. With the recent changes in my life, (see previous post), I know that everything happens for a reason and I KNOW that this is all in the plan for my life...it's just kinda hard to see it when everyone else around me seems to be moving forward...namely in their relationship. Although I can accept that my life isn't a Hollywood romantic-comedy, I'm having a hard time accepting it as a monotonous screenplay.

pre mid-life crisis?

27 is not old. At least I hope it's not old enough to be considered age-appropriate for the midlife crisis which I think I'm experiencing. Recently I've been polling my good friends and family to see what they think about me going back to being a brunette (not the midlife crisis, wait for it!). You see, I feel as though I'm stuck between feeling like I'm 23 and being a 27-year-old mom with two kids. While I can still (sorta!) fit into the "juniors" clothing and FEEL like that's where I should be shopping, I know in reality that the tshirts and zip up hoodies I wear daily aren't necessarily age appropriate. As a stay-at-home-Mama I don't always have reason (or motivation) to get dressed for anything more than playing outside or cleaning the house. But when a quick impromptu trip to the grocery arises, I'm stuck wearing an IU tshirt, looking young enough to be my kids' babysitter. This whole age crisis/epiphany happened after being carded for the 2nd time for LOTTERY TICKETS. Thinking that maybe they had changed the age from 18 to 21 I asked the clerk what age you had to be to get tickets and found that they in fact had not changed the age...she really though I looked questionably young. Wow. Now, I know I look old enough to buy lottery tickets, and get secretly excited when I don't get carded for buying alchol (which rarely happens), but I think about what people must think when I take the kids to the park or when we visit Lilly's preschool. The last thing I want is for people to judge me for "looking" young when I am, in reality, 27 (soooo not young! Hahaha! Kidding!). It's not just about what other people think, obviously...I know people have "issues" about turning 30, but what about 27? Has anyone else ever had this problem? It seemed when I was 26 I could still justify the way I dressed and looked (!), but at 27 I feel like I'm ready to take the Mom-leap. I'm not saying I'm ready to bust out the holiday sweaters or denim jumpers, but I AM saying that I am trying to find where I fit in the clothing debacle and wonder if the attire I have and wear now is age-appropriate.
I had another slight epiphany when two good friends of mine came to Fort Wayne for a visit. After not seeing them for almost three years, I was excited to spend some time with them. About thirty minutes into dinner they requested that we all go back to my house with a case of beer and "party" at my house. As I sat stunned at the use of the word "party" and scrambling to think of an excuse to NOT have everyone at my abode, it really sank in that "partying" at my house was out of the question and I was perfectly happy with that. Not only would Aaron have NEVER gone for company at our house at 10 o'clock at night, but I had NO desire to bring the party back to my house where my precious babies were fast asleep. I guess it just made me realize that while some parents are okay with partying with friends while their kids are asleep upstairs, Aaron and I just aren't those parents. Aaron and I are the type of parents that get jammies on the second both kids are asleep, get out the ice cream and cookies, and divulge into a sugar high while watching the latest episode of Survivor together. And I love that about us!

Hearts Hurt Sometimes

Although this post is induced by ratings-seeking-ABC's "The Bachelor" I can't help but be slightly obsessed with the outcome of the show and apply it to my life and the life of my close friends. After Bachelor Jason was dumped last year by Deanna (the Bachelorette) he came back to try his luck again at finding his perfect mate (this time as the Bachelor). And while he THOUGHT he met that perfect person, he later reneged on his decision, thinking instead that he wanted the girl he originally sent home. (Whew!) At first glance we think this guy is a basket case and has unreasonable expectations...until you really look at his eyes and see that he is genuinely hurt and confused. Jason, a single dad of a three year old son, has loved and lost many times. To see it from his side is something that many people may not normally do.
Sure, I haven't been on The Bachelor and I haven't made my relationship a must-see television show (although sometimes I think I have the drama that it would take to make one!) I HAVE been the parent who is sitting there thinking, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" I'm sure that everyone has those days when they wake up next to their partner and thinks, "Really? This is it? Forever?" (And if you're one of those people who doesn't think that, I don't want to hear it!) BUT...where do we draw that line of what's just satisfying and what's what we TRULY want? When does a married man decide that he's had enough and go towards a life that couldn't be farther from the life he promised himself and his wife? When does a mother decide that what SHE truly wants isn't what she promised for her children?
All I'm saying is that we all go through confusing times. We're all Jason Mesnicks.

Transferring

I'm not a clean freak. I don't even insist on keeping a nearly spotless home. I do, however have designated spots for nearly every item in my house. Items are to end up in that designated spot by the end of each day. Simple. Or so you'd think. It's not that I don't make my expectations well-known. Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't leave people wondering what I want!!! My kids understand my expectations. Lilly knows that the cooking toys go into the plastic tote next to her kitchen, the cars go into a blue KRAFT bag, and the puzzle pieces go into her red Build-a-Bear bag. Both bags fit nicely into the toy box. Easy, right? So explain to me why my 25 year old fiance is clueless when it comes to these simple tidying-tasks. Aaron's idea of cleaning is what I like to refer to as "transferring." I've had a toolbox-load of tools on my dresser for over two weeks (just a reminder of the closet doors in my laundry room that have yet to be properly hung). When I asked Aaron to finish hanging the doors and to PLEASE put away those hideous tools that were junking' up my bedroom, he quickly followed orders (God, I hope he never sees that I wrote that.."followed orders!"). I came upstairs later to find my dresser looking clean and screwdriver-free! Woot woot!.......And then I walked downstairs....only to find a hammer peaking out from the top of my REFRIGERATOR! What?! Why are there tools on top of my fridge?! Our garage is literally 20 feet from our refrigerator! No joke!!! I've tried convincing Aaron that relocating a mess is NOT cleaning...but three years later it hasn't sunk in so I'm pretty sure it never will.....! Ugh!

Just a quick reflection

I remember telling my mom that we'd never be "okay" with the absence of grandma, but that eventually we'd get "better" with it. With time, it'd become easier to go through the day without crying, without obsessively holding on to the last memory of her. I said that, yet I wasn't sure if it was true.
At the time, I couldn't see how it'd ever become easier to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house without envisioning the hospital bed in the middle of the living room where she laid helplessly for her final weeks. I couldn't see the end to sensing her eyes looking tiredly at us, to feeling the tight grasp she had on my hand during her final week- when I knew it took so much strength for her to squeeze it. I wasn't sure how I'd ever be able to stop secretly driving to Wabash to "visit" grandma's final resting place. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put my daughter to bed without reminding her how much GiGi loves her. But now I realize that those are the memories we'll have forever. Those aren't things that will ever go away-- nor do we want them to. Those are the memories that will live on forever so as to NEVER forget the incredible impact Grandma had on us all.

It's been five months since Grandma passed away. Slowly things have become somewhat normal again. It's good to see Grandpa smile. It's nice to see him enjoy things he missed doing when Grandma was sick. It's refreshing to sit with Mom and talk about Grandma. It's breathtaking to hear Lilly say "Gigi's in heaven mama!"

I can't help but think often that Grandma is looking down on me, trying to make me a stronger woman than I sometimes prove to be. I can't help but wonder if she's the one helping me through the tough times and walking beside me during the good times. I think of her often. I think of her when Lilly plays with the babydolls Gigi gave her. I think of her when I see anything purple because that's my last memory of her healthy-- wearing a purple outfit. I think of her when I see Grandpa's smiling face, knowing that he's doing exactly what she would want him to be doing. I think of Grandma mostly though, when looking at my mom. Mom and I joke that now we know why Grandma used to get so annoyed with Grandpa (especially his driving and his eating habits!)! I see Grandma in mom when I see her with Lilly. I know how much Lilly meant to grandma and it brightens my heart to know my little lady had that much effect on the short time Grandma and Lilly had together.