"HUH? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!?"

I've noticed lately that I'm really loud. I've noticed lately that Anderson is even LOUDER. Oh. My. Gosh. That boy. I first noticed how much noise this little man produced while at the airport last weekend. I was literally two gates away and I could hear word-for-word the conversation Anderson was having with his uncle. Thinking that it was probably just the excitement of the flight, I basically overlooked it and ignored the annoyed stares from those around us (errrr, in a two hundred yard radius).
Last night I went to dinner with the kids, mom, and Grandpa. I noticed that Grandpa was hearing every word that Anderson was saying, which doesn't typically happen. And then the more I looked around, the more I saw other people staring at my human megaphone. Uh oh. My son IS loud! Crap!

Am I back to square one?

The kids just got home from a week-long visit with their dad in Minnesota. After sobbing on my closet floor until 1am the night before they left, I woke up with swollen eyes and an angry heart. My kids shouldn't have to travel across the country to see their dad. They shouldn't have to be away from school for a week at a time because their dad lives in a different state. They shouldn't have to pack their favorite toys and items just because their dad doesn't have these things at his house, in another state, across the country. As I looked at my (smiling) kids, waving from the windows of their dad's fancy BMW, it hit me. My kids aren't suffering. They aren't mad to be driving across country. They aren't upset about packing up their belongings for a week, or even missing school. The reality is that I'M mad. I'm still SO angry, a year later, that Aaron lives so far away. Those of you who know me well know that I have no romantic connection to Aaron, nor do I want to be with him again. While there will ALWAYS be a soft spot in my heart for Aaron, as the father of my children, my love for him as a life partner has passed. I've made myself very open to his manipulation, lies, and well to be frank, his bullshit for far too long. When I think of what I want in a husband, Aaron does not have those qualities. Soooo where does this anger come from? I laid in bed last night contemplating this...knowing that I had read something earlier this year that had (temporarily) helped me. I pulled out the book and flipped to the page:
June 26
Forgiveness can be just a change of attitude. When I realized my bitterness hurt me more than anyone else, I began to search for another way to view my situation. I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a beetter and more loving life today.

I read, and re-read these words, knowing that this had nothing to do with Aaron. This has everything to do with ME. No matter how badly Aaron has hurt me, how terrible the choices are that he makes, etc...these no longer affect ME. I have come so far in the last year, including finding a job I love, a daycare/school the kids love, finishing my degree, and buying my first home, to allow my bitterness to drag me back to square one.


"Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt."