Christmas at Daddy's

My kids are on an airplane as I write this, heading to MN to spend Christmas with their dad. As with every other time they've left for Minnesota, I have a mix of emotions going through me. Part of me welcomes the break, but the majority of me hates that my kids are gone! The past few years Aaron has spent Christmas in Indiana or has just sent a package of presents for the kids, but with the new visitation schedule that the two of us agreed upon, we decided that the kids should spend half of their Christmas break with Daddy. It breaks my heart to send my kids off, but I know that it swells Aaron's heart to be able to see his kids during the holidays!

Aaron and I have really struggled to get along over the past few years. It seems that everytime we get something ironed out, some other situation comes up that takes us back to square one. I've been telling myself over and over that I can't control Aaron or what he does, but I can control my own actions and the way that I react to Aaron's choices. I have to remind myself over and over (and over and over and over) that Aaron is not ME. He's not going to do things exactly like I do them. He's not going to feed the kids at exactly the time I would. He's not going to drive exactly like I do (although he really should!). And most importantly, he's not going to call them everyday just because I think he should, or just because I would. Moms aren't dads. Dads aren't moms. And most importantly, no two people are the same. It's hard for me to "accept" that Aaron isn't going to do things exactly like I would do them, but I am learning that this is something that I absolutely have to deal with and learn to accept.

Lilly was over-the-moon excited to leave this morning, and for me, that's enough. As long as my kids are happy, healthy, and safe I am happy to send them to MN for little getaways! (Remind me of this in 24 hours when I miss my kids to death and am moping around!)

Christmas Card

This is the first time in six years that I didn't send out Christmas cards. I almost feel like I need to send out cards apologizing for not sending out cards! I know a lot of Aaron's Iowa relatives look forward to seeing the pictures of the kids, since they don't get to see them very often, but time just got away from me this year and I totally forgot to order any. Oh well. Last year was the first time that I included my blog address on our Christmas cards, and I'm so glad that I did! Not only did it provide Aaron's family a way to keep up with the kids' happenings, but also some of my out-of-state family too. In sticking with a true "Christmas card post" I figured this would be the perfect way to catch everyone up on what's going on in the Hahn household!

Lilly is in first grade and doing really well! She has an awesome teacher who seems to really "get" Lilly and her special talents and interests. She is in her second year of ballet and seems to really love it! She's quite the little reader and writer these days! I'm so proud of her! It's incredible to see how much she has changed in the past year. It absolutely blows my mind to think that my little baby girl will turn seven next spring! She loves to be "girly" and adores her little brother (most of the time!)!

Anderson is halfway through Junior Kindergarten. He's still a tiny little thing, but making strides at becoming "all boy!" He writes his (very long) name, knows about ten "sight words" and is still very much into tennis! He took tennis lessons this summer, but due to scheduling conflicts won't start back up until the first of the year, once he's five! YES, my baby turns FIVE in just a few short days! He's a stubborn little fella (like his daddy!?!)  but I can see his personality developing more and more every single day. Crazy to think he'll be in kindergarten in the fall! I look forward to Anderson and Lilly being at the same school soon! Anderson is so outgoing and I love his spirit. I see amazing things for Anderson's future! 

2012 has been a long, but motivating year for us! I am so grateful for healthy, happy, and beautiful children!! I look forward, very much, to a new year and I have NO DOUBT that 2013 is going to be an incredible year for us!  

MERRY CHRISTMAS! 

The Dinner

So what started as an innocent dinner with old friends would be the dinner that truly changed my world. You can call that dramatic as you want, but oh...my...goodness! The three girls I went to dinner with that night were all talking about the dating world...at that time I was casually seeing someone so when a friend mentioned that someone from our hometown had asked about me, I kinda blew it off. But later that night I got to thinking about it. After very little convincing from my cousin, I sent this fella a message on Facebook. He was overseas at the time and so his responses came sporadically, but over the next few weeks we emailed back and forth and made plans to meet up once he got back. Honestly at that time I never really thought I'd actually meet up with him (sorry babe!). But then....on Thanksgiving day I got a message from his sister that he had been involved in a little accident and that he was in the ER. WWWHAT?! Two things...the fact that his sister thought to email me and let me know what was going on with him absolutely meant the WORLD to me. It showed me that he had been talking to her about me. She knew who I was. And she thought enough of me, based on what he had told her, to think that I'd want to know. OOOH I absolutely love her for emailing me! The second thing about finding this out was that I was truly bothered by the fact he was hurt. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me when I heard that he was hurt. It crushed me a little...probably more than it should have for someone I knew so little about. But for whatever reason, I just wanted to hear his voice and know that he was okay (yes, this was someone I had only been talking to for a month, via email!). The best thing that came out of this whole accident was that he was holed up inside for the rest of his vacation and was "stuck" talking to me! haha! We texted each other the entire weekend and had some pretty intense conversations. I could tell, even then, that we were headed toward something pretty awesome!
We've spent a lot of time together over the past month, and writing about how incredible it's been wouldn't give it the credit it deserves. I can honestly say that I've spent YEARS with people in the past and I've never had the conversations that he and I have had in just four weeks. I could write for twenty-four hours straight about all the things I like about him and it still wouldn't be enough time. He is a Godly man. He has a giant heart. He truly cares about people. He wants the best out of life. He commits 100% to everything he does. And most importantly, he's become one of my most favorite people to spend time with, and I can't wait to see what happens in the future.
"So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart." 2 Timothy 2:22

Naked

I mentioned in a recent post about how vulnerable I felt after witnessing a horrible fire and how scared I was that I wouldn't be "enough" to keep my kids safe. I have thought about this many more times over the past week and I've come to the conclusion that this incident has changed me. Something in my heart has been changed.
With the most recent events in Newtown, CT it has once again been on the forefront of my mind. The truth is, I'm not enough. While I trust that I was chosen by God to be Lilly and Anderson's mom, He is still their Father. He's still the one in control of our fate. He is still the one we should be looking to for guidance and love and understanding. He's the one who holds us and protects us. I can't do this on my own- I'm not meant to do it on my own.
With this realization comes a freedom, a nakedness. I feel like I can only do so much before things are out of my hands. I feel like the best thing I can do is pray for protection. Pray for forgiveness. Pray for love. Pray for freedom from worry. God loves us. He wants the best for us. He has promised this to us over and over. Psalm 56:3 says "When I am afraid, I put my trust in You"  We are called to put our faith in Christ. We are meant to lean on Him and not on our own understandings. We aren't meant to go through life alone. We are meant to do life with other people- with people who will be there for us and pray over us. We are meant to do life with people who will hold us up when we're scared, people who will fill that gap when we're failing, people who will protect us and hold us and watch over us. What a freeing realization, no?

Mommy Perks

Being a mom is so rewarding and all that other good stuff...but let's be honest, there are some definite benefits when it comes to having kids (other than the obvious ones, der). I present you with....

Mommy Perks

1. Pre-boarding on most airlines
2. Someone to do the chores that you don't want to do (I call it teaching responsibility, you call it what you want!)
3. Excuse to get out of nearly ANY event you want to miss ("Kids are sick, sorrry I have to miss your baby shower!")
4. Reason to watch Disney shows, kid movies, and listen to teeny-bopper music (Bieber fever anyone?)
5. Someone to get you the remote when it's four feet away from you
6. Excuse to go to bed extremely early, even on a weekend
7. Extra arms to carry groceries
8. Assigning additional chores as punishment (see #2)
9. Being able to make your child cuddle with you when you're cold (or sad)
10. Having a miniature (better) version of yourself

Am I Enough?

As a parent I think we all have our insecurities, but last night something hit me harder than ever before. For those of you who are friends with me on FB you know that there was a house fire near my house last night. To say that it was scary would be the understatement of the universe. Not only had I never seen a house fire, but the flames and the noises that were coming from the fire were like nothing I've ever witnessed before. It was insane. My legs instantly started shaking, my hands were sweating. I panicked. I don't know why this made such an impact on me, but it did. I called my mom at 11:30 (something NO parent wants to wake up to). I just couldn't believe what I was seeing and I had to know that I wasn't alone. I needed my mom, y'all!
Once things calmed down a little bit and I was able to peal myself away from the window, I sat down on my bed and just started thinking about every possible scenario. I ran through our fire escape route and our meeting place that Lilly had designated just a few months earlier (the Moon family's fence!). I went over what I'd do if a tornado was coming. I thought about what I would do if someone tried to break in. I ran through what our plan would be for every possible scenario that I could think of...and still, at the end of it, I wondered if I would ever really be prepared for these types of things. All I wondered was "what if I'm not enough?" What if I wasn't able to get both of my kids out of the house? What if I couldn't protect them? What if I messed up? What. If. I. Failed.
Someone wise told me that I should never again question if I'm enough. He encouraged me to never again say things like "I might not be enough." And even though I told him that that's how I felt he assured me that our feelings aren't everything. Ummm rude. I get it though. I get that I was created to be just as I am. I get that I'm enough, right now. And I get that I was created to be THE mom to Lilly and Anderson. And trust me folks, I'm grateful. Soo grateful. I just want to be sure that I am enough. I just want to be sure that I can protect them. That's scary stuff. I've always known that I was the sole provider and protector of those kids, but seeing that fire last night just lit (no pun intended) something in my soul. It hit me so hard that it's JUST me and those kids. It's all on me. So. Scary.

Asking The Tough Questions

Lately I've become an "asker"...in that I'll ask ANYTHING. I've noticed that for a lot of my adult life I've held myself back because I was afraid to ask. This probably comes as a shock to those who know me well and know me to be pretty vocal...about. everything. But when things are really confusing to me, or when things just don't seem to have a clear answer, I think I've either assumed an answer (which we know what happens then) or I've just not asked. I feel so confident in myself lately that I don't feel afraid to ask the tough questions. I'm not afraid of the answers anymore. Maybe because I know, no matter what the answer, I'll be alright. Or maybe this is part of growing up-- that you want to seek out answers to life's questions. Whatever the reason, I like asking the questions.

Ah-may-zing!

We sang this today at church and, although I've heard it a hundred times before, it really moved me today. Rumor has it I have some prayer warriors out there. Let me just say that I feel it and I am loving it. I never want to lose this feeling...

Sticking With Me...

I was driving home yesterday and it hit me like a ton of bricks...I've been a difficult friend this year. I've put myself before most of my friendships. I got so wrapped up in the turmoil of my relationship with JM that I failed to look at everything that I had right in front of me- the relationships that had been there through thick and thin. I doubted everything and everyone. It's embarrassing to look back at the past year and realize the mistakes that I made, the relationships that I've hurt. All I can say now is thank you to those who have stuck with me. I am insanely lucky to have the cheerleaders that I do in my life.

I Want That

Have you ever been around someone who just really challenges you...like challenges you to be a better person? And somehow, it seems unintentional  on their part. You see the way this person lives and just is and you long for that for yourself. I'm not talking about someone having things that you don't have, it's not about money or material things at all. It's truly a way of life-- the way they live. You look at them and you see what a GOOD person they are and you just wonder HOW they do it. And when you hear their story you think, "that's not too far off from what I've been through..so why am I not like that?" And the answer is simple. It's a choice. A choice to just do the right thing.

I think we all have our own version of "right" and we all have our own measure of "goodness"... but what if we all lived for the same standards? What if we all chose to live God's version of "right" and lived to seek His measure of "goodness"? I wonder what that would look like?