Dance with Me

I promised my husband that I wouldn't put our relationship on blast here in my blog, but I think there are certain aspects to our relationship that others can benefit from my sharing.  As I mentioned in earlier posts since our marriage, it's been tough getting into a flow of adding a forth person to the mix. There are "boy" things in our house (and garage) that I've never seen before...but tools, boxers, and foot cream aside, there are emotional wounds that have reopened in both of us that neither of us expected to resurface. Things from our past that we had dealt with individually, but had never envisioned how they may pop up in future relationships. I won't put Charlie's past issues on here, but I have no shame admitting my shortcomings publicly.
I am a self-admitted-control-freak. I am very use to "handling" things on my own. I am use to blaming no one but myself for mistakes that I caused, and dealing with the consequences for my actions. Coming into this marriage, I guess I was very unprepared to "let go" of that control. I can say that I struggle with letting go because I'm scared of being "left" in control again...but if I'm completely honest, that's not really it. I don't fear Charlie leaving. I don't worry that I may have to "take over" again. So then I don't really know why I struggle at letting go. I can't just blow it off and say "that's just how I am," but that's sooo unfair. This a partnership, not a dictatorship. I can say "that's how I had to be," but things are different now and I don't need to be that way anymore.
This is something I've really been struggling with in our marriage...six-ish weeks in. It's scary to have these things pop up from the past because I thought I had dealt with them...and I supposed maybe I had...but not in the realm of marriage. The hardest thing has been learning to let go, learning that Charlie's intentions are pure and good, and that everything he does he does out of love. He wants the very best for me and the kids, even when he does things differently than I would do them. We are different people and we are going to take different paths to get to a place we both want to be.
I suppose this is all part of maturity. We studied Ephesians 4: 1-16 this morning at church and wowza. It was like a slap in the forehead, saying "helllloooooo, grow up!" It's time to live a life focused on faith, to lose the selfish behavior, to look beside me and see the man who is willing to walk this faith journey with me, to dance and not trudge through this journey with me. It's a partnership. He wants to dance with me- to be in step with me. My husband, my best friend, wants the same things that I want. I trust that. I want to move easily with him, dance with him, through this journey. It's time for me to stop trudging and shuffling my feet through life...I have a dance partner now. Ahh, what a feeling!