It's Time

Sometimes you have to have an honest conversation with yourself. As easy as it is to just go through the motions of life, to just go on doing the common thing, sometimes you find yourself realizing that you just deserve more than that. And even more, you get to a point where you start to feel terrible about who you're becoming by doing what you know is wrong- or what you know you don't want.
I've spent the past four months in a "relationship" that I knew was wrong from the second date. Although he's a great guy, I knew early on that he was not "the" great guy for me. He knew it about me too. But we went on with things because it was fun and fairly easy. We had just the right amount of dysfunction to keep things interesting. Anyway, I woke up the other morning realizing that I really hated who I was becoming in this relationship. And although he didn't make me who I was becoming, there was just something about the two of us together that made me feel horrible about myself. All my insecurities that were leftover from the failed relationship with JM were lingering into this relationship and I was constantly adapting to the "get him before he gets me" attitude.
I think this realization is all part of growing up and being able to acknowledge that sometimes we have to take a personal inventory. It's hard to look at things about myself and know that these traits are there because I am letting them be there. It's easy to point out things I don't like in other people, but when I think about why I'm "letting" these people in my life, or why I'm letting them stay in my life...that's all on me. I think I'm getting to a point that I question what positive things people bring to my life? And if we can't mutually bring good to each other's life, what's the point?
I'm just ready to be that positive light in someone's life and to have that from whomever I choose to spend my time with. I am so tired of worrying about what someone "might" be up to or what someone's intentions "might" be. It's time to just be the best version of ME that I can possibly be.