Daddy Disappointment

I'm struggling majorly right now. I want to scream. Or cry. Or scream and cry. And maybe even kick. Or stomp my foot. I'm just mad. Really mad. The kids' dad is in Iowa right now for a funeral. He's a little less than halfway here, and while I understand that it's still a six hour drive, I don't understand how he can NOT want to come see the kids. He knows the bind that I'm in with a sitter, and he knows the cost of getting a sitter to keep the kids for a few hours. He doesn't work for the next three days and has ZERO reason to NOT come here to see them. I understand that it comes at a cost (literally) to him, but he hasn't seen the kids since the beginning of August, and I just don't see how any parent can go that long without seeing his kids.

I admit that a little part of the reason I'm so upset with Aaron is because my own dad did the same thing to me and my sister this weekend. Since he moved to MI earlier this summer, we haven't seen him once. And although mostly I could care less, there's still part of me that tries to stay in touch with my dad simply because he's family. I wrote before about my relationship with him, and I truthfully feel the same way about things, but I guess as someone's child, I still feel that sickening disappointment when a parent rejects you. It truly broke my heart to know that my little sister was sitting at home, waiting on his call to take her to lunch yesterday. Sadly, because I've lived that disappointment from my dad before, I knew he wasn't going to show up. And even worse, I knew he'd have an excuse ("she told me that she didn't want to go." Well she changed her dang mind! GO GET HER!).

I'm so extremely tired of this type of disappointment. I'm exhausted with trying to extend the olive branch only to have it snap back in my face later. I feel the same way with Aaron. I know better than to allow my hope in him grow. I know that he's going to disappoint me and the kids. And while I know Aaron owes me nothing, he does owe the kids tremendously. They are changing drastically from week to week. He's missing out on so much..and I know I shouldn't care because I'm here to see it, but I can't help but feel sad for the kids.

I feel guilty for putting them in a family like this. I feel guilty for bringing them into an environment where there are going to be a lot of hard times. I feel bad that there are things they'll have to miss out on because we simply can't afford it, don't have the time for it, or where it just doesn't fit into our schedules. I'm sad because I feel like if their dad was closer and more involved, they'd get to do everything they want.

And more than anything, I fear that they'll grow up wondering if their dad loves them as much as their mom does. I worry that they'll have a void in their life that they'll try to compensate with other things. It scares me that they'll resent me for things that I did wrong in my relationship with their dad. It worries me that if I stop trying that Aaron will go away altogether. I know that type of disappointment, and I just don't want it for my kids. They deserve more than that- just like I know me and my siblings did too. I don't know what is wrong with me that I met someone just like my dad, but I pray to God that Lilly finds a good man one day. I hope that she never has to experience this type of pain and guilt. And I pray that my son never turns out to be this type of father. I hope he's an honorable man, no matter the circumstance. I hope my kids know that they're loved and that even without a full-time dad (or grandpa), they have so many people who love them and adore them. They have so many people in their life who will always be there for them, support them, and care about them. I will spend every single day of my life making sure my kids know they are loved and I will make every effort to make sure they don't feel that void.