Bittersweet

Well, I found out this morning that I got the job at Ross Education. Out of four hundred applicants, they chose ME! I'm honored! I'm excited to get back into the work force.

At the same time though...I'm very apprehensive about leaving my kids. They have never been to a babysitter. They've never had anyone else stay home with them throughout the day other than their mama! Of course I'm incredibly partial, but my kids are precious and the thought of someone enjoying them less than what I would just makes me sad. Of course there's a side of me that knows that this will be good for the kids. They need to be around other people, but I'm not sure I'm ready to completely immerse them into a full day daycare with snotty nosed kids just quite yet. I'm hoping to find someone in high school or college who will be able to come to MY house to watch them. I want them to have someone's full attention, someone who will enjoy being around them, someone who will play with them and be silly with them. I want the kids to have fun while I'm gone and feel like they have someone who can adore them just as much as I could. It's hard because I just don't know many "young" kids around here.

Anyhow, as much as I DON'T want to work full time and be away from the kids right now, I KNOW it's the only option we have. I know that I've been lucky enough to stay home with them for the past three years, but that life is over and it's time for things to change. It's going to be a transition that will definitely take time to get use to, but I know in the long run it'll be best for all three of us.

Many of my close friends from high school will remember a dear friend of mine from ten years ago. I met Chris at Catholic Heart Work Camp, in New Orleans, the summer before my senior year of high school. I'm not sure the exact details of how we started talking, but it was silly high school flirting. I'm sure it went something along the lines of my friends going to talk to him and his friends and then relaying messages back and forth through our friends. During the short church trip, he and I and became good friend with intentions of staying in touch even when he went back home to Carlinville, IL and I was back in Wabash. We exchanged phone numbers and addresses, thinking we were going to forever be friends!
My youth group and I got back to Wabash on July 3rd, or sometime around there. Chris and I talked a couple times. Finally on July 5th I got a call from his friend, telling me that Chris had been in a terrible diving accident and was in the hospital with little chance of ever walking again. I called my dad begging him to drive me to Carlinville, IL to see Chris! Thinking that I was probably nuts, Jere' offered to take me. We made the LONG trip to the Illinois hospital where Chris was staying. I met his family and many members from his church. I don't remember much of our visit, other than being completely depressed when I had to leave his bedside.
I recieved many different cards from members of Chris's family and also a card from his pastor telling me how delighted he was that I could visit Chris. I still have those cards. Then one day I got a letter from Chris. As part of his rehab he had to practice writing, so he wrote to me. Again, I still have that letter.
Weeks (maybe months) passed. Chris was walking, and from what I can recall, was recovering well. He came to Wabash the summer after my senior year to meet my friends (who also helped me make a home video for Chris, showing him around Wabash, etc!..so cheesy!) and we had a great time seeing each other again. Of course we promised to stay in touch, but haven't been able to REALLY talk much since we're both at such different places in our lives, but we have recently reconnected through Facebook.
Today I got a text from Chris telling me that he appreciates me being a part of his life during that tough time (I'm sure it was a text sent to many other people as well), and for the love and support I gave him. To think that ten years ago, God was working through me to help someone else is incredible. I think of all the miracles in life that I have been witness to, and I can't help but be very touched and feel extremely blessed.

POP! BOOM! BANG! POP! BOOOOM! SNAP! SQUEEEEEAK!

Happy 4th! After a boomlicious week, filled with super loud firecrackers, insanely annoying pops, and midnight waking-fits performed by both of my little tots, I've been wondering...what's the fascination one has these idiotic explosives we call entertainment? Why do we get enjoyment out of seeing burning ash float down to the ground? What's the entertainment value from hearing constant booms without the aforementioned flash? My kids are still young enough where the firework spectacle is nothing more than an interruption to their soundly-sleeping innocence. To me, it's just a hassle to hear the madness, knowing that the next "POP" will surely be the one that wakes the kids to a frazzled state! Perhaps in two years I'll look forward to letting off fireworks, lighting sparklers, and watching my kids throw "snappers" at each other's feet (just as my brother always did to me!). Until then however, I'm choosing to sit in bed (wide awake, of course...how could one sleep through the war-like noises outside my bedroom windows?!) and watch the Botson Pops Fireworks Spectacular on CBS!!!! LOL!

Reference Checks

I finally got word that Ross Edu was checking my references. Relieved that they were actually calling to find out what wonderful words my chosen references would reveal about me, I got to thinking...I've got some pretty amazing people in my life who would go to bat for me in just about every aspect of my being. The people I chose to use as lifelines were not only previous supervisors (Rachael and Dick), but also two friends (Heather and Frank) whom I knew would represent me well. After all my references had been called, each person called me to relay their kind words about me. I hung up from each and every phone conversation (or voicemail, Heather!) knowing that I have built incredible friendships with people who are not necessarily in my age group (Dick and Frank), with people who's views differ from mine on many levels (Heather!), and people who I've had rough patches with in the past (Rach!)...with all that said I'm confident that I have made an impact on each person's life to the point where they'd take time from their busy evening to help promote me as a worthwhile individual and as an asset to a company.
Sometimes our own self-destructive thoughts get in the way of what our potential really is. We get caught up in creating our own definition of ourselves, failing to take the time to notice how others see us, that we limit ourselves and stunt our personal growth. So today, I vow (and hope you will too) to get out of my own way. By focusing on the good in myself, I can start to lose the self-deprecating attitude and beliefs and start seeing myself as others see me.

I read today, "Do not look where you fell, but where you slipped."

Congratulations, but ugh....

As much as I'd love to JUST be happy for my close friends who are making all these life changes, I can't help but be a little envious of them. My dear friends Shannon and Megan just recently got engaged (not to each other, but to Jason and Stephen, respectively). And while I couldn't be MORE excited for either of them, I just can't shake the feeling that while all my friends are progressing in their life, I'm regressing back to the days four years ago when I was still wondering where my place was in this giant universe. Two children, an engagement, and STILL no marriage later, I feel like I'm the only one who is standing still. With the recent changes in my life, (see previous post), I know that everything happens for a reason and I KNOW that this is all in the plan for my life...it's just kinda hard to see it when everyone else around me seems to be moving forward...namely in their relationship. Although I can accept that my life isn't a Hollywood romantic-comedy, I'm having a hard time accepting it as a monotonous screenplay.

pre mid-life crisis?

27 is not old. At least I hope it's not old enough to be considered age-appropriate for the midlife crisis which I think I'm experiencing. Recently I've been polling my good friends and family to see what they think about me going back to being a brunette (not the midlife crisis, wait for it!). You see, I feel as though I'm stuck between feeling like I'm 23 and being a 27-year-old mom with two kids. While I can still (sorta!) fit into the "juniors" clothing and FEEL like that's where I should be shopping, I know in reality that the tshirts and zip up hoodies I wear daily aren't necessarily age appropriate. As a stay-at-home-Mama I don't always have reason (or motivation) to get dressed for anything more than playing outside or cleaning the house. But when a quick impromptu trip to the grocery arises, I'm stuck wearing an IU tshirt, looking young enough to be my kids' babysitter. This whole age crisis/epiphany happened after being carded for the 2nd time for LOTTERY TICKETS. Thinking that maybe they had changed the age from 18 to 21 I asked the clerk what age you had to be to get tickets and found that they in fact had not changed the age...she really though I looked questionably young. Wow. Now, I know I look old enough to buy lottery tickets, and get secretly excited when I don't get carded for buying alchol (which rarely happens), but I think about what people must think when I take the kids to the park or when we visit Lilly's preschool. The last thing I want is for people to judge me for "looking" young when I am, in reality, 27 (soooo not young! Hahaha! Kidding!). It's not just about what other people think, obviously...I know people have "issues" about turning 30, but what about 27? Has anyone else ever had this problem? It seemed when I was 26 I could still justify the way I dressed and looked (!), but at 27 I feel like I'm ready to take the Mom-leap. I'm not saying I'm ready to bust out the holiday sweaters or denim jumpers, but I AM saying that I am trying to find where I fit in the clothing debacle and wonder if the attire I have and wear now is age-appropriate.
I had another slight epiphany when two good friends of mine came to Fort Wayne for a visit. After not seeing them for almost three years, I was excited to spend some time with them. About thirty minutes into dinner they requested that we all go back to my house with a case of beer and "party" at my house. As I sat stunned at the use of the word "party" and scrambling to think of an excuse to NOT have everyone at my abode, it really sank in that "partying" at my house was out of the question and I was perfectly happy with that. Not only would Aaron have NEVER gone for company at our house at 10 o'clock at night, but I had NO desire to bring the party back to my house where my precious babies were fast asleep. I guess it just made me realize that while some parents are okay with partying with friends while their kids are asleep upstairs, Aaron and I just aren't those parents. Aaron and I are the type of parents that get jammies on the second both kids are asleep, get out the ice cream and cookies, and divulge into a sugar high while watching the latest episode of Survivor together. And I love that about us!

Hearts Hurt Sometimes

Although this post is induced by ratings-seeking-ABC's "The Bachelor" I can't help but be slightly obsessed with the outcome of the show and apply it to my life and the life of my close friends. After Bachelor Jason was dumped last year by Deanna (the Bachelorette) he came back to try his luck again at finding his perfect mate (this time as the Bachelor). And while he THOUGHT he met that perfect person, he later reneged on his decision, thinking instead that he wanted the girl he originally sent home. (Whew!) At first glance we think this guy is a basket case and has unreasonable expectations...until you really look at his eyes and see that he is genuinely hurt and confused. Jason, a single dad of a three year old son, has loved and lost many times. To see it from his side is something that many people may not normally do.
Sure, I haven't been on The Bachelor and I haven't made my relationship a must-see television show (although sometimes I think I have the drama that it would take to make one!) I HAVE been the parent who is sitting there thinking, "WHAT HAVE I DONE?" I'm sure that everyone has those days when they wake up next to their partner and thinks, "Really? This is it? Forever?" (And if you're one of those people who doesn't think that, I don't want to hear it!) BUT...where do we draw that line of what's just satisfying and what's what we TRULY want? When does a married man decide that he's had enough and go towards a life that couldn't be farther from the life he promised himself and his wife? When does a mother decide that what SHE truly wants isn't what she promised for her children?
All I'm saying is that we all go through confusing times. We're all Jason Mesnicks.