I remember telling my mom that we'd never be "okay" with the absence of grandma, but that eventually we'd get "better" with it. With time, it'd become easier to go through the day without crying, without obsessively holding on to the last memory of her. I said that, yet I wasn't sure if it was true.
At the time, I couldn't see how it'd ever become easier to go to Grandma and Grandpa's house without envisioning the hospital bed in the middle of the living room where she laid helplessly for her final weeks. I couldn't see the end to sensing her eyes looking tiredly at us, to feeling the tight grasp she had on my hand during her final week- when I knew it took so much strength for her to squeeze it. I wasn't sure how I'd ever be able to stop secretly driving to Wabash to "visit" grandma's final resting place. I wasn't sure I'd ever be able to put my daughter to bed without reminding her how much GiGi loves her. But now I realize that those are the memories we'll have forever. Those aren't things that will ever go away-- nor do we want them to. Those are the memories that will live on forever so as to NEVER forget the incredible impact Grandma had on us all.
It's been five months since Grandma passed away. Slowly things have become somewhat normal again. It's good to see Grandpa smile. It's nice to see him enjoy things he missed doing when Grandma was sick. It's refreshing to sit with Mom and talk about Grandma. It's breathtaking to hear Lilly say "Gigi's in heaven mama!"
I can't help but think often that Grandma is looking down on me, trying to make me a stronger woman than I sometimes prove to be. I can't help but wonder if she's the one helping me through the tough times and walking beside me during the good times. I think of her often. I think of her when Lilly plays with the babydolls Gigi gave her. I think of her when I see anything purple because that's my last memory of her healthy-- wearing a purple outfit. I think of her when I see Grandpa's smiling face, knowing that he's doing exactly what she would want him to be doing. I think of Grandma mostly though, when looking at my mom. Mom and I joke that now we know why Grandma used to get so annoyed with Grandpa (especially his driving and his eating habits!)! I see Grandma in mom when I see her with Lilly. I know how much Lilly meant to grandma and it brightens my heart to know my little lady had that much effect on the short time Grandma and Lilly had together.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Monday, August 4, 2008
"It's Only Life"
Tears are forming in your eyes,
a storm is warning in the skies,
the end of the world it seems,
you bend down and you fall on your knees,
well get back on your feet ,yeah,
don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith,don't run away,
it's only life.
You were always playing hard,
never could let down your guard,
you can't win, if you never give in,
to that voice within, saying pick up your chin,
baby let go of it , yeah,
don't look away, don't run away ,
baby, it's only life.
Don't lose your faith, don't run away,
baby it's only life.
Take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,
just take your time, it's only life,
i'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone,
just hold on tight,it's only life,
oh..don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby, it's only life,
it's only life, it's only life,
don't look away...
[ It's Only Life Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
a storm is warning in the skies,
the end of the world it seems,
you bend down and you fall on your knees,
well get back on your feet ,yeah,
don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith,don't run away,
it's only life.
You were always playing hard,
never could let down your guard,
you can't win, if you never give in,
to that voice within, saying pick up your chin,
baby let go of it , yeah,
don't look away, don't run away ,
baby, it's only life.
Don't lose your faith, don't run away,
baby it's only life.
Take your hesitance, and your self defense,
leave them behind, it's only life,
don't be so afraid of facing every day,
just take your time, it's only life,
i'll be your stepping stone, don't be so alone,
just hold on tight,it's only life,
oh..don't look away, don't run away,
baby it's only life,
don't lose your faith, don't run away, baby, it's only life,
it's only life, it's only life,
don't look away...
[ It's Only Life Lyrics on http://www.lyricsmania.com/ ]
Monday, July 28, 2008
"Count On Me"
Can the lyrics to a song truly tug on your heart strings to the point that you are willing to change your whole life? Can the same mentioned song really provide insight to what else is out there? Does it provide a valid case for reality? Or are songs like movies? Do they set out to remind us of what SHOULD be, but isn't?
Something to ponder, I suppose.
Something to ponder, I suppose.
Friday, July 18, 2008
Changes
It seems there's been a recent tornado of change swirling right in the middle of my being and all I can do is hold on and hope things twist out the way they're intended. With my recent decision to go back to school comes a lot of stress that I never imagined. After a mid-May event (that I'll keep private!), I decided that the only way I was ever going to be prepared for things in my life (or BETTER prepared) was to start taking things into my OWN hands and not be so reliant on other people.
So for that reason, along with others, I decided to finish up my degree at IPFW. Although I was completely apprehensive about going back to school at the age of 26, I have adjusted nicely (although tiredly) and have actually met a few good people in my classes whom I already consider "good" friends. I've heard from many people in my family how proud they are of me for going back and it just worries me that maybe I let them down in the past when I DIDN'T finish, and for that, I'm disappointed in myself. However, it's time to look towards the future and stop reflecting on the past.
I've definitely done things in my life chronologically-backwards but I can HONESTLY say that there's nothing in my life I would change up to this point. I'm truly starting to realize that everything happens for a reason. There have been people in my life who I never imagined being there. There are those who are NOT in my life, who I could have never imagined life without. However, I'm a better person today than I've ever been before. Sure there are so many changes left to be made, but knowing that I now have goals and aspirations, I'm confident that my life is headed for greatness.
This isn't just about going back to school. For me, this is about taking the role of being a mother, and doing whatever physically, mentally, and emotionally necessary to achieve perfection for my children. I honestly can say that I now know that "mother's intuition" is a completely accurate and real trait. It's not one of those things that you either have or don't have. When you're a mother, a MOM, you just have it, and there's nothing you'd do to get rid of it.
So for that reason, along with others, I decided to finish up my degree at IPFW. Although I was completely apprehensive about going back to school at the age of 26, I have adjusted nicely (although tiredly) and have actually met a few good people in my classes whom I already consider "good" friends. I've heard from many people in my family how proud they are of me for going back and it just worries me that maybe I let them down in the past when I DIDN'T finish, and for that, I'm disappointed in myself. However, it's time to look towards the future and stop reflecting on the past.
I've definitely done things in my life chronologically-backwards but I can HONESTLY say that there's nothing in my life I would change up to this point. I'm truly starting to realize that everything happens for a reason. There have been people in my life who I never imagined being there. There are those who are NOT in my life, who I could have never imagined life without. However, I'm a better person today than I've ever been before. Sure there are so many changes left to be made, but knowing that I now have goals and aspirations, I'm confident that my life is headed for greatness.
This isn't just about going back to school. For me, this is about taking the role of being a mother, and doing whatever physically, mentally, and emotionally necessary to achieve perfection for my children. I honestly can say that I now know that "mother's intuition" is a completely accurate and real trait. It's not one of those things that you either have or don't have. When you're a mother, a MOM, you just have it, and there's nothing you'd do to get rid of it.
Saturday, July 5, 2008
Can't ever prepare for something like this...
"Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
A couple weeks ago, my mom sent me an email with a few fitting quotes for the type of day I had been having. Above is one of those quotes, and hopefully today my mom will read it and know that I'm sending it HER way because I know she needs it just as much as I did.
My grandma is very sick. Most of us didn't think she'd still be here today, but thankfully she's still holding on. Perhaps it's selfish of me to be grateful that she is still here, I don't know? I know she's not happy. She's in a lot of pain. And worse of all, she's scared. I never want her to suffer, but I don't want her to leave me either.
Grandma Anglin isn't your typical grandma. Of course she always had the cookie jar filled, like everyone's grandma did, but that aside, she was so much more than most grandmas. (I use past tense because of the state that she's now in--- she's not the Grandma we grew up knowing, and I don't mean that in a negative way...just, things are different now.) Our grandma cared deeply about our every need. She made sure we had everything we could possibly need (or NOT need!). She was the social butterfly of Wabash.
I remember my Grandpa and her taking Adam and I downtown to the Sweet Shop. Not only were we lucky because of the "green rivers" the Sweet Shop served, but also because we were in the spotlight because we were with Bob and Donna Anglin! Everyone knew them and loved them. What was there NOT to love about Donna!?
I remember taking my middle school friends (the 7Up Gang, yeah, that's right!) to their house to swim every summer. Grandma would come out and just chat it up with each and every girl to be sure that we had everything we needed to have a great time at her house. She never turned away anyone! The more the merrier was her motto when it came to having visitors!
My memories of Grandma are endless. And like my mom, I just pray to God that I remember them forever. I look back now at our days with her before she got sick and just try to grasp onto those memories of what she was wearing, saying, doing, etc... Sure she was goofy at times, and sure she was sometimes embarrassing, but that's what made her "Grandma"! I can't imagine her any other way!
I'm very blessed that Lilly knows her GiGi. It sickens me to know that Anderson will never know her like Lilly got to. I think back to when I found out I was pregnant with Lilly. Grandma knew LONG before Grandpa did and the best thing about it was that I never felt judged by her. Grandma, whether she meant it or not, always put on a happy face when she talked to me about being pregnant. I'll never forget what she told me near the end of my pregnancy...."Hunny, enjoy being pregnant. It's a lot easier to raise them in there than it is out here!" (Boy was she right!) I'm not sure how much of GiGi Lilly will remember, but I know it's my duty to carry her legacy on. It's my duty to remind Lilly how much her GiGi loved her, how much she loved when she backed her little butt up to Grandma, and how many times she made Grandpa take her to WalMart to buy dolls for her house so Lilly had something to play with. Even now, in the state Grandma is in, she asks about "her Lilly". I pray that Lilly's visits help Grandma to be at peace with her life.
If I could let Grandma know anything, I'd tell her what an incredible job she did raising her daughters....I'd tell her that I'm so lucky to have a mom like I do and an aunt like I do. I'd thank her for showing MY mom how to be an amazing mother. I'm scared to death at how my family will adapt without Grandma, but I know we'll survive because my grandparents instilled the value of family in us.
So Mom, just know that we'll always remember everything about Grandma. She's been such an influential person in our lives, how could we ever forget? Be grateful that we lived so close to them and we had the chance to see them as often as we did, for we have memories that no one could even imagine having. And even when she's not here for us to see, smell, or hold, she'll always be in our hearts.
I love you Mom.
A couple weeks ago, my mom sent me an email with a few fitting quotes for the type of day I had been having. Above is one of those quotes, and hopefully today my mom will read it and know that I'm sending it HER way because I know she needs it just as much as I did.
My grandma is very sick. Most of us didn't think she'd still be here today, but thankfully she's still holding on. Perhaps it's selfish of me to be grateful that she is still here, I don't know? I know she's not happy. She's in a lot of pain. And worse of all, she's scared. I never want her to suffer, but I don't want her to leave me either.
Grandma Anglin isn't your typical grandma. Of course she always had the cookie jar filled, like everyone's grandma did, but that aside, she was so much more than most grandmas. (I use past tense because of the state that she's now in--- she's not the Grandma we grew up knowing, and I don't mean that in a negative way...just, things are different now.) Our grandma cared deeply about our every need. She made sure we had everything we could possibly need (or NOT need!). She was the social butterfly of Wabash.
I remember my Grandpa and her taking Adam and I downtown to the Sweet Shop. Not only were we lucky because of the "green rivers" the Sweet Shop served, but also because we were in the spotlight because we were with Bob and Donna Anglin! Everyone knew them and loved them. What was there NOT to love about Donna!?
I remember taking my middle school friends (the 7Up Gang, yeah, that's right!) to their house to swim every summer. Grandma would come out and just chat it up with each and every girl to be sure that we had everything we needed to have a great time at her house. She never turned away anyone! The more the merrier was her motto when it came to having visitors!
My memories of Grandma are endless. And like my mom, I just pray to God that I remember them forever. I look back now at our days with her before she got sick and just try to grasp onto those memories of what she was wearing, saying, doing, etc... Sure she was goofy at times, and sure she was sometimes embarrassing, but that's what made her "Grandma"! I can't imagine her any other way!
I'm very blessed that Lilly knows her GiGi. It sickens me to know that Anderson will never know her like Lilly got to. I think back to when I found out I was pregnant with Lilly. Grandma knew LONG before Grandpa did and the best thing about it was that I never felt judged by her. Grandma, whether she meant it or not, always put on a happy face when she talked to me about being pregnant. I'll never forget what she told me near the end of my pregnancy...."Hunny, enjoy being pregnant. It's a lot easier to raise them in there than it is out here!" (Boy was she right!) I'm not sure how much of GiGi Lilly will remember, but I know it's my duty to carry her legacy on. It's my duty to remind Lilly how much her GiGi loved her, how much she loved when she backed her little butt up to Grandma, and how many times she made Grandpa take her to WalMart to buy dolls for her house so Lilly had something to play with. Even now, in the state Grandma is in, she asks about "her Lilly". I pray that Lilly's visits help Grandma to be at peace with her life.
If I could let Grandma know anything, I'd tell her what an incredible job she did raising her daughters....I'd tell her that I'm so lucky to have a mom like I do and an aunt like I do. I'd thank her for showing MY mom how to be an amazing mother. I'm scared to death at how my family will adapt without Grandma, but I know we'll survive because my grandparents instilled the value of family in us.
So Mom, just know that we'll always remember everything about Grandma. She's been such an influential person in our lives, how could we ever forget? Be grateful that we lived so close to them and we had the chance to see them as often as we did, for we have memories that no one could even imagine having. And even when she's not here for us to see, smell, or hold, she'll always be in our hearts.
I love you Mom.
Friday, December 21, 2007
A CRAZY LAST MINUTE MESS!
So it's nearing the end of the year. Our precious baby boy will soon be here and Christmas is less than five days away. Oh my goodness....Where has the year gone!?! I figured I'd close out the year (because let's be honest, I doubt I'll have time to write another blog before the end of 2007!) with a final blog of madness, that is my life!
THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:
1) I'm INCREDIBLY thankful that I've found a good nail place close to our house (Q Nails), a FABULOUS tanning salon only minutes from us (Studio Tan), and the most outstanding pedicurist right in the comfort of my own home (AARON SCUDDER!!!).
2) Only DAYS away from delivering our second child. ANDERSON LEE SCUDDER! (That's right, he'll have Aaron's last name before we're married. Poor Lilly and I aren't Scudders yet! Or is that such a bad thing!? SCUDDER!?!)
3) No more noodle-making for at least four more months....After Christmas, I figure the only time I'd have to POSSIBLY make them again is for Easter...and even that's highly doubtful!
4) I'm only weeks away from fitting back into my REGULAR clothes! Although I've HIGHLY enjoyed lounging around in sweatpants and jammie pants, the time has come for me to squeeze my fatness back into jeans and sweaters for the remainder of the winter months! And oddly enough, I'm surprisingly excited about it!
5) Less than ten days until I can have something other than a non-alcoholic beverage! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING ON THE BLACK CHERRY VODKA! (Sounds trashy, I know, but I'm EXCITED to have a drink, damn it!)
6) I'm not Jamie-Lynn Spears....or her boyfriend!
7) Watermelon Arctic Rush from Dairy Queen. I wonder if I'll still be as addicted to them once I'm not a fat cow anymore!!?
8) Lilly has easily made the transition from her baby crib to her big-girl-bed! After only two "sleeping on the floor" incidents, she seems to understand that her crib isn't coming back and that this little bed is where she is to lay her head each night! A-DORABLE if I might say so!
Overall, I have to just say that Aaron and I are in a great place in our lives. We have the perfect little family. It's insane that it'll soon be completed by our little man! It's such a comforting thing to hear the love of your life comment that his life is just beginning and he couldn't be happier about it! Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky! He's quite the catch, if I might say so! I have the best daughter a person could ever ask for...and although she's developing quite the little 'tude, I have to say that I mostly enjoy it...because it only signifies that she's growing up into a mini version of her mother! LOL! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL! And have a SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THINGS TO BE HAPPY ABOUT:
1) I'm INCREDIBLY thankful that I've found a good nail place close to our house (Q Nails), a FABULOUS tanning salon only minutes from us (Studio Tan), and the most outstanding pedicurist right in the comfort of my own home (AARON SCUDDER!!!).
2) Only DAYS away from delivering our second child. ANDERSON LEE SCUDDER! (That's right, he'll have Aaron's last name before we're married. Poor Lilly and I aren't Scudders yet! Or is that such a bad thing!? SCUDDER!?!)
3) No more noodle-making for at least four more months....After Christmas, I figure the only time I'd have to POSSIBLY make them again is for Easter...and even that's highly doubtful!
4) I'm only weeks away from fitting back into my REGULAR clothes! Although I've HIGHLY enjoyed lounging around in sweatpants and jammie pants, the time has come for me to squeeze my fatness back into jeans and sweaters for the remainder of the winter months! And oddly enough, I'm surprisingly excited about it!
5) Less than ten days until I can have something other than a non-alcoholic beverage! THANK YOU GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BRING ON THE BLACK CHERRY VODKA! (Sounds trashy, I know, but I'm EXCITED to have a drink, damn it!)
6) I'm not Jamie-Lynn Spears....or her boyfriend!
7) Watermelon Arctic Rush from Dairy Queen. I wonder if I'll still be as addicted to them once I'm not a fat cow anymore!!?
8) Lilly has easily made the transition from her baby crib to her big-girl-bed! After only two "sleeping on the floor" incidents, she seems to understand that her crib isn't coming back and that this little bed is where she is to lay her head each night! A-DORABLE if I might say so!
Overall, I have to just say that Aaron and I are in a great place in our lives. We have the perfect little family. It's insane that it'll soon be completed by our little man! It's such a comforting thing to hear the love of your life comment that his life is just beginning and he couldn't be happier about it! Sometimes I wonder how I got so lucky! He's quite the catch, if I might say so! I have the best daughter a person could ever ask for...and although she's developing quite the little 'tude, I have to say that I mostly enjoy it...because it only signifies that she's growing up into a mini version of her mother! LOL! I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS ALL! And have a SAFE and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! CHEERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, December 3, 2007
Is it Too Much, Too Soon?
I can't help but wonder if we're pushing Lilly to be a big girl, too soon. With the new baby coming anyday now (okay, 24 days still, but I'm hopeful!), it seems like we're rushing Lilly into new milestones in order to prepare our lives for a newborn again.
For example, tonight is Lilly's first night in her "big girl bed"...and while I am the one who has been bugging Aaron to get the bed, I sit here now wondering if she's really ready. She never once tried to climb out of her crib. She's never ONCE slept anywhere in our house other than her OWN BED (crib). From the first day she came home from the hospital, Lilly has taken her naps and has slept at night IN HER OWN BED. She has always had a very strict bedtime routine, which she has always embraced easily. We never have to fight Lilly to go to bed ....until tonight!!! And although her first night in her big girl bed has been smooth sailing (so far)...I still wonder if she's TRULY ready.
She went to bed at her normal bedtime, 7pm. She slipped out of bed before I even got to her door!!! I sat next to her bed and "explained" what was going on. "This is your big girl bed. You're a big girl Lills! No more baby bed! It's for baby Anderson!"....Followed by me nearly sprinting out the room before she could follow me! After nearly twenty minutes of crying at her door (her, not me!), I heard her breathing heavily through the door...I peaked in to find her asleep near the door. I put her in her bed, and she's been sleeping there since.
I know that every child has to grow up and move onto new things....But I just hate the thought that my baby girl isn't really my BABY anymore. There's a NEW baby coming, making Lilly the big girl. I just fear that we've rushed into this second baby, and that we didn't give Lilly enough alone time with us. I know that we're both excited about baby Anderson, but I can't help but feel sorry for Lilly. I just PRAY that she never feels neglected or ignored! I talked to Aaron about it and he assures me that she'll always be our little "Lills" and that we have nothing to worry about. I'm excited to embark on the path of being a mommy to a new baby again, but I just worry about my little Lills.
For example, tonight is Lilly's first night in her "big girl bed"...and while I am the one who has been bugging Aaron to get the bed, I sit here now wondering if she's really ready. She never once tried to climb out of her crib. She's never ONCE slept anywhere in our house other than her OWN BED (crib). From the first day she came home from the hospital, Lilly has taken her naps and has slept at night IN HER OWN BED. She has always had a very strict bedtime routine, which she has always embraced easily. We never have to fight Lilly to go to bed ....until tonight!!! And although her first night in her big girl bed has been smooth sailing (so far)...I still wonder if she's TRULY ready.
She went to bed at her normal bedtime, 7pm. She slipped out of bed before I even got to her door!!! I sat next to her bed and "explained" what was going on. "This is your big girl bed. You're a big girl Lills! No more baby bed! It's for baby Anderson!"....Followed by me nearly sprinting out the room before she could follow me! After nearly twenty minutes of crying at her door (her, not me!), I heard her breathing heavily through the door...I peaked in to find her asleep near the door. I put her in her bed, and she's been sleeping there since.
I know that every child has to grow up and move onto new things....But I just hate the thought that my baby girl isn't really my BABY anymore. There's a NEW baby coming, making Lilly the big girl. I just fear that we've rushed into this second baby, and that we didn't give Lilly enough alone time with us. I know that we're both excited about baby Anderson, but I can't help but feel sorry for Lilly. I just PRAY that she never feels neglected or ignored! I talked to Aaron about it and he assures me that she'll always be our little "Lills" and that we have nothing to worry about. I'm excited to embark on the path of being a mommy to a new baby again, but I just worry about my little Lills.
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