End the Silence on Domestic Violence

Dr.Phil has been campaigning to "end the silence on domestic violence." Although I'm not a huge fun of Dr.Phil, I can't help but tune in daily to his show. Tonight's show really got me thinking about domestic violence and the situation I have personally been involved in. Although my "story" is nowhere near the tragedies of the guests on Dr.Phil's show, I still can't help but feel a bit scared at the reality that I once lived and how blinded I was to it.
Today's show really focused on what happens to children who have witnessed domestic violence and what can happen when children are alone with previous abusers. I'm not suggesting that Aaron is abusive, but Aaron has had very abusive tendencies in the past, mostly when he was using. I've covered black eyes, dodged flying objects being thrown at me, and ignored the verbal slurs he sent my way. Again, the physical events were limited to the times he was using, I assume, but the verbal slandering continues to date, though not nearly as badly.
I've "allowed" the kids to visit Aaron in MN three times now. Each time they go, I welcome the time alone, but every time I fear that he might be "up to something" deceitful. As we enter a second year living apart, in different states, I think the time has come that we get something set up through the courts to insure that Aaron doesn't keep the kids longer than our agreed limits. Although I have documented each and every day of our time apart (mostly for when the time came to go to court for this exact reason), and nothing makes me fear that my side of the street is dirty. I've put off going to court with Aaron mostly because I am afraid that he'll be granted "too much" time with them, or will be ordered to pay me even less than the measly support he pays now. But regardless of what happens, I know that I have nothing to hide, nothing to worry about, and most importantly, I know that I'll be doing it to insure my kids safely return from MN each time they go. This is a very difficult decision for me to make, but after watching Dr.Phil today, I know that things can go terribly wrong, even if I don't want to believe Aaron has that side in him still.

He's missing so much...

This song made me think today, of how much Aaron is missing out on. Regardless of where he lives, I feel sorry for him that he's missing out on so many milestones in our kids' lives. It makes me sad for him and for my kids, but makes me feel extra lucky to get to spend everyday, and experience every new phase with the kids. I'm a very blessed mama. These babies are growing up too fast. How can you NOT want to see every single step of their life? It won't be like this for long, afterall.

The reason why...

So, I've strayed lately from my normal rants and badgering for the sake of my not-so-cynical readers. However, things have happened in my life recently to make me want to get back to my "normal" writing topics.
As many of you know, Lilly celebrated her fifth birthday last weekend (oy!). Aaron was able to make the trip home, after missing his flight in Chicago (where he was literally three feet from the gate, wide awake (per Aaron's words), and after only a short ninety minute layover). Regardless, he caught a later flight and five hours later he made it to Fort Wayne, and was able to celebrate Princess Lilly's birthday extravaganza with the rest of us.
After Aaron's short five days here, my mind was swirling. Did I miss him? Did I want him back home? Was I just enjoying the homemade meals? Was I enjoying someone else getting the kids ready for bed every night? Was I just being completely lazy? Did I just miss adult company? What was going on in my very confused mind?

It wasn't until today that I got some clarity on all of this...yes, a week later! My friend whom had reached out to me two years ago when I blogged about Aaron, and my experience with him going to treatment, contacted me and needed to talk. She's going through some really confusing things and through it all, the person she had been counting on to go through life with her, was back to his old ways and had once again let her down. She came to me for a listening ear and maybe even a little advice. The conversation we had back and forth was ridiculously beneficial to me and my dilemma with Aaron. Why is it that we are so quick to give "obvious" advice to someone else, but ignore it when it comes to our own situations?

This dear friend told me that I seem to always have the right words to say to her, but if she only knew how much she has helped ME over the past two years...She is an amazing girl and I wish NOTHING but the absolute best for her. She's a very strong girl and I trust that she'll make all the right decisions for herself....just as I know I'll continue doing for myself.

Am I...???

Get Sober, Again.

When Aaron was in treatment, I sent him this song. He loved it and told me many times that it's what got him through the night sometimes. I wish, for Aaron, that he could get back to this place in his sobriety. I miss the Aaron who put God first. The Aaron who missed his kids. The Aaron who would do anything to stay sober. The Aaron who took sobriety seriously, and knew what he could/couldn't do. The Aaron who stopped manipulating every situation. I just miss Aaron and the way that he had been for the past two years. It scares me to think he's falling away again.

Old School!

This isn't normally my kind of music, but Aaron played this song for me MANY moons ago. I came across Aaron's Musiq Soulchild CD this weekend and it reminded me of a sweeter, romantic side of Aaron that is rarely seen!

For my Lills

This song will forever hold a special spot in my heart. When Lilly was born, I would dance with her to this song to get her to sleep. Aaron worked nights so there were many nights it was just Lilly and I at home. Lilly was an AWESOME baby, but some nights she needed just a little extra cuddling. This song became super special to me. Before Lilly's third birthday, Aaron and I started having our "problems" and I oftentimes reflected back on our happier times, dancing with Lilly, living in our old house, etc. I made a cute video to this song with a bunch of Lilly's pictures. Lilly's 3rd birthday was the first birthday without her Gigi, and at the end of the video I had a picture of Grandma and Lilly. I remember showing my mom the video before Lilly's birthday party, and just crying with my mom. This is a very special song and it'll forever remind me of happier times and also serve as a reminder that my wish is for my kids' happiness, whatever that may be.

Younger days..thinner times.

I LOVE Britney! Although her new album is FABULOUS (especially when working out!), I can't help but miss the old Britney and her fabulously tan and thin physique! Her videos were hot, the lyrics exciting and sometimes raunchy, and her dance moves were perfect! Oh Britney, can't you do it one more time!?!

Even though this video was post-baby #1, I still love it! Go Brit!

Remember this, ladies?!

For all my high school girls! I miss you all TONS and everytime I hear this song, it takes me back to our days of chasing "Miles From Home" across the state (errrr, Wabash?!)! I love you all dearly and think of you often! XOXOXOXO!

WONDERLAND

After an amazing Mother's Day getaway to New York City, I came out with another Broadway show to add to my list of favorites! "Wonderland" wasn't one of the shows that we initially planned to see, but after eliminating some, due to time constraints, we decided on the Alice in Wonderland spin off! It was GREAT! Here's a quick clip of some of the show! Enjoy!

Workin' on the Beetle

For my dad...

Love

Although Fleetwood Mac is an old favorite in my book, Santana's rendition of "Songbird" this week on Glee made me rethink my loyalty to Fleetwood Mac. I love this song and I love Naya Rivera's sultry take on it!

For you, my love!

Music in May

So, my brother did a month of blogging with pictures. I thought I'd do my own spin on this. Music is such a huge part of my life. There are certain albums I can listen to repeatedly and never get tired of them. There are certain artists I've listened to for years and their music still resonates with me. There are songs that take me back to middle school and songs that help me reflect on certain memories. My plan is to post a song each day...a "song of the day" if you will!

I read this today when searching for this song:

The Script taught me how to move on.
Greenday taught me that government's gonna fail someday.
Bruno Mars taught me to do anything for that one person I love.
Eminem taught me that life is hard but you can make it through.
Taylor Swift taught me not every guy is going to treat me right.
30 Seconds to Mars taught me to speak whats on my mind.
Michael Jackson taught me to always love the people around me.
Music taught me to live

Enjoy!