HAPPY!

This makes ME happy. I have the best friends in the entire world!!!!!!!!!

Phew!

Well, I blogged a majority of the month, missing only a few days. I am very impressed with my dedication to blogging, and I had a great time doing it! Although I noticed a trend with my blogs (I bitch a lot, especially about Aaron!), it's proven to be very therapeutic.

To my dedicated readers: No need to fret. I'll be back again next month! Toodles! ;)

Baggage?

How is it possible that you can spend so long with someone and never remember the "good times" the two of you had together? I literally never remember feeling like I just couldn't get enough of Aaron (although I'm sure those moments existed). As much as I have tried to keep the good memories alive, I just keep letting the bad times overshadow everything else. I talked to Aaron last night about this and he can vividly remember certain times where he felt like he just couldn't get enough of me. (Now he's around me for five minutes and has his fill! I have that effect on people! LOL!)
My point is, when you have so much baggage with someone, someone who you once loved so much, is it normal to just let all the good stuff fall by the wayside? Or is this what happens after you're with someone for so long? I know things change after you're together for awhile, but the mushy mushy of a new relationship (or friendship!)seems to fade too quickly.
Or do I just have it all wrong? Is this why I am a single gal? I don't want to think that life is a fairytale, and that we all get the happy ending that Kate Hudson gets at the end of How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but I also don't want to become so cynical that I don't believe that happy endings exist.

BROTHER

I have the world's best brother. Seriously. I look back at my life growing up, and the majority of my memories of my brother and I are NOT the greatest (ie...him telling me I was adopted, him making me laugh until I peed my pants on a dirt hill, me pinching him until he scarred, him spitting ice at me, him burping and blowing it in my face, etc..), BUT....I wouldn't trade ANY of those memories for the world because of how our relationship is now. Adam has been there for me through everything. He has listened to me cry MANY times, he's been there to snap me out of it, and to tell me when I'm being an absolute fool! He has helped me with the kids, given me breaks when I'm on the brink of losing my mind, he has motivated and supported me in finishing school, and he has been my biggest cheerleader with all the changes I've made these past few years.
This past weekend was such a great time. There's nothing I love more than spending the day in Chicago with my mom, Adam, and Gary (and Andrea!). Lunching, shopping, and just hanging out together makes me reflect on how great my family is and how super blessed I am to have such amazing people in my life.

Complete

My kids are finally home from a week in MN. Nothing warms my heart more than seeing the two of them snug in their beds, sleeping peacefully. My mind feels at ease knowing my house is full again with the two loves of my life. I am complete.

ending

My kidless, carefree, no-stress week is finally coming to an end. I've had a FABULOUS week without my parental duties, but I am very excited to see my babies and get back to reality. Here's a rundown of my fun week, that I won't experience again for another four months...

Saturday: I had lunch and some good beer with my old boss, then went and had a mani/pedi. Later that night I went to Snickers with Derek and his work friends.

Sunday: Woke up early, went to church, spent the majority of the afternoon in jammies, and spent a few hours with Derek, watching basketball.

Monday: Had a very productive workday, and later that night met up with my work family (new and old) for some margaritas at my favorite Mexican eatery, Cebollas.

Tuesday: Had another great day at work, went home and took a two-hour nap. Then I got take-out from my favorite Chinese place, and a bottle of wine. Spent the evening with a co-worker, drinking and laughing into the wee hours of the night!

Wednesday: Spa day. Had a terrible, traumatic spa experience. Pretty sure my ass is bruised from the rubdown and still peeing blood from the kidney massage. Had lunch with my work family and then met up with my old boss for more yummy beer! Stayed out way too late, drank way too much, but enjoyed every minute of it!

Thursday: Slept in, went to the spa for a hair appointment, then had a great day at work. Ended up spending a quiet, relaxing evening with my bestie/neighbor.

Friday: Today has been a GREAT day at work (yet sad, as we say goodbye to one of our favorite ladies and send off Jeff for the weekend). Planning to go out for a margarita after work with the work-fam and then head home to tie up any loose ends before my kiddos come home and destroy my perfectly-tidy abode.

While writing this blog I'm noticing a trend. I spent the week with my work family, drinking and eating, or pampering myself. Overall....a successful and fun week.

Chicago

This weekend mom and I are heading to Chicago to spend the day with "the boys" before meeting Aaron on Sunday to get my boogie babies back. I haven't seen Adam and Gary since I spent my birthday weekend in Chicago with them, which was in January. I'm really missing them and I cannot WAIT to see them this weekend.

With that said...I'm equally excited about our planned dining ventures. Fernando's for lunch and Andy's for dinner. What does it say about me (and my eating habits) to already have planned out what I'll be in eating in three days?!

Decisions

Last week I wrote about my routine. Well, it's day four without the kids and I'm literally LOST without them. I can't make up my mind about ANYTHING. It's as though my ability to make decisions is nestled in one of my kids' suitcases in MN.

Last night I was meeting up with a friend from work. I volunteered to make the plans, as I'm the local and he's from out of town. I contemplated for at least thirty minutes about what to do. Should we stay in? Go out? Do dinner? I called him and told him directions to one of my favorite hangouts. Minutes later, on my way to the establishment, I called him back with different plans...and changed plans two more times while on the phone with him. I just couldn't decide what I wanted to do...as though this freedom was somehow overwhelmingly confusing me and my decision-making capabilities.

As much as I've enjoyed these past four days, I am SO ready to have my kids back home. I have loved playing "kidless Gretchen" long enough. I'm ready to get back to reality and to our routine.

Swooper (I'm sure it's a word!)

I've never given my mom enough credit. For anything. But, with my kids' mini-vacation to MN this week, I'm realizing something in not only my own kids, but in myself and my siblings.

My parents divorced when I was about eight. Back then (ya know, the olden days), divorce wasn't AS common as it is today. Single-parent families were in the developmental stages and there were many more struggles than in today's world. My mom did everything she could to make things as normal for us as possible. I never remember this catastrophic change when my dad moved out and into his own place. I don't remember feeling abandoned by my dad when he left, nor do I remember hating my mom for "kicking him out" (as it's oftentimes said in today's relationships). The truth was, my parents didn't get along and they were going their own ways. My mom never sat my brother and I down (or at least I don't remember it if she did) and listed her expectations of us. She never told us that we couldn't smoke or drink. She never told us to be respectful of adults. She never told us that we had to get good grades. She never told us that we had to keep a job in order to pay for what we wanted. She never HAD to tell us anything...we just knew, because of the example she set for us. It goes without saying, that my brother and I were successful teens, young adults, and now adults (yes, even with the bumps along the way) because of the way that my mom raised us. My dad has said MANY times that mom did a "hell of a job" raising us, and that he has never doubted that we are the way we are because of Mom.

With that said, I can't help but be a little prideful of the way my kids are. Aaron called me yesterday saying he wanted to take the kids to his church last night. Although I should have been happy that the kids were able to experience Daddy's church with him, the reality was that Aaron only wanted to take the kids to church to "show them off" and parade them around as though they are the kids they are because of something HE did.

I got a text from Aaron during their drive from IL to MN yesterday. "If I have to tell Anderson to quit whining one more time, I might lose my voice." This really bothered me. How dare him try to swoop in every three months and try to "man-Anderson-up"... Aaron even criticized my parenting saying that I do a good job of raising "little sheltered baby GIRLS"...Again, these ignorant comments by Aaron do nothing to me. I know that I'm doing a FABULOUS job as a single parent. My kids are the way they are because of ME, and very little because of Aaron. He can criticize the way my son acts or the way he thinks I parent, but the reality is, it's not up to Aaron how I raise the kids. He checked out on his parental role two years ago. He trusted ME to do it 99% of the time. He can't expect the kids to just flip into what HE wants them to be during the 1% that he has them.

**again, stepping off my soapbox***

Realizations

(My Sunday post, FOR Sunday!)
Ya know when you have something in your mind that you just can't shake? You become so obsessed with the "idea" of something that you lose sight of the reality of it. Then, when you are able to reconnect with that "situation", you realize the laughing-hyena, bear-yawner, isn't nearly as entertaining or charming as you had once remembered (him) to be. Being able to come to the realization that you were obsessing over something so lame and boring, helps you close that chapter of your life and be grateful that you're not a part of it anymore.

Saturday

I'm posting this today for yesterday.

So the kids left this morning around 10:30. Although Anderson wasn't feeling well and really didn't seem to want to go to MN (see picture to the left!), I helped load the kids and all their gear into Aaron's car and sent them all on their merry little way. I got a call, less than an hour later, saying that they had stopped already for lunch. (They must have made it to what, Warsaw?!)Aaron was annoyed that Anderson "suddenly" doesn't like chicken nuggets or french fries...little does he know, Anderson hasn't been into chicken and fries for the past few months.
A couple hours later I got a text from Aaron. "Puke everywhere!!!!!" Although I was, of course, concerned for Anderson, I couldn't help but feel a little bit of cheer that now Aaron would be the one dealing with our sick baby. For once, Aaron could play Doctor Daddy and see how life with a sick baby really felt. Sure, it's a bit petty and a tad psychotic of me to feel that way, but...It's how I felt! And me, knowing that Anderson sometimes does this, let go of the desire to be there to do it "my way" and just trusted that Aaron could handle this one on his own. (Knowing damn well that the new shirt I sent Anderson in would be ruined...ugh!)
The trio made their way to the Clock Tower Resort in Rockford, IL, only to find out that the indoor pool was closed for repairs. We had literally called the hotel, hours earlier, to assure that there was an indoor pool. The person we talked to said nothing about it being under repair, so Aaron griped enough and got three free passes to the indoor waterpark (CoCo Key), attached to the hotel. Score! Unfortunately, Anderson still wasn't feeling 100% and Lilly was a little timid of the waterpark, so it was basically an overall bust!
I had the chance to call and talk to the kids before they went to bed. Neither of them seemed overly thrilled to talk to me, but I did get a "love you mommy" out of both of them before we hung up.

Overall, day one without the babies was enjoyable. Although I snuck in a little "me" time (mani/pedi) at the nail salon, I still couldn't shake the lonely feeling that comes with an empty, quiet house. I need this break, I welcome the alone time, but I miss my kiddos. I know they're having a blast, I know Aaron is loving his time with the kids, but... to be continued....

Daddy!

This kinda warms my heart.

Routines

I'm big on routines. They bore the crap out of me, but they're necessary. Without a routine, my life would be a big ole' mess of chaos and disaster. With the kids leaving in a few days, their normal routines are about to go out the window, and a week of craziness is about to take place. Here's what will happen:

Thursday night: Aaron is picking the kids up from school because I work late. They will be RIDICULOUSLY excited that he's picking them up. They will act like complete insane children as they walk through the hallways and out the school doors. They will come home, throw everything from school on my clean counter tops, eat home-cooked food (this is NOT part of our normal routine, hehehe), and stay up way too late. I will come home from work, clean up their messes (Aaron's included), put my kids to bed, and then have to 'deal' with Aaron's presence. Ugh.

Friday morning: The kids will be super tired from staying up all hours the night before, be extremely grouchy (towards me) until they realize daddy is asleep downstairs on the couch. I will then turn over ALL parenting duties of our normal morning routine, to Daddy...and I will critique his every move (Lilly's hair won't be right, Andy's socks won't match, etc..). Aaron will make an extravagant breakfast (which I will later have to clean up) and HOPEFULLY take the kids to school for me.

With that said, I am looking forward to the break from the routine. I know the kids will have fun in Minnesota, and I KNOW I'll enjoy at least the first two days without the kids...even though they'll be WAY out of their routines when we reunite, it's definitely worth it, for all of us.

Rain

So I know that many of us have spent many weeks (or months) complaining about the weather, especially the snow. With spring quickly approaching, March 20th to be exact, we should all be prepared for the rain. Again, many of us agree that rain is better than snow...but not in ALL circumstances.

My hair is not rain-friendly. My cute shoes, not so rain-friendly. And getting the kids in and out of the car at the grocery store, school, or mall..definitely not rain-friendly. With these minor exceptions, I welcome the rain and am happy to say goodbye to the snow!

Yeah?

I can't help but love this song, especially after tonight's finale of "The Bachelor"...but I wonder, IS marriage for everyone? And if it's not, how do we (single gals) enjoy these mushy, lovey, romantic, and sweet songs without feeling slightly jaded and cheated?! (Damn you ABC!)

Failure

After regularly blogging for 11 days, I missed yesterday. Failure.

It was an extremely busy day yesterday. I took Anderson to Wabash so that he could spend the day with Nana and I could take Lilly to Disney Princesses on Ice. Lills and I definitely needed a girl's day. We went to lunch, picked out new jewelry at Charlie Girl, and headed to the Coliseum for the show. I realized yesterday, even more so, that I have a VERY girly daughter. I love it!!!

Also, Megan and I finally registered for the Ravenswood Run in May. While it's only a 5K, it's a pretty huge deal for both of us!!!

So, today it's Sunday and the kids and I have agreed to make it a relaxing, lazy day. Here's to the start of another great week!!!!!!

Flowers

There's just something about fresh flowers that makes the soul happy. Lilly and I bought ourselves some flowers from the grocery store a couple days ago. They were discounted because they'll surely wilt and die any day, but we snatched them up anyhow because they're just what we (I) needed to cheer things up around our house. The weather has turned cold again the past few days, the sun has kept itself hidden behind the gray clouds, and emotionally it's been a draining week for both me and the kids (no specific reason, probably just the lack of sun again!). Lilly has been grumpier than usual, Anderson whinier than usual (who thought that was even possible?), and I just gave up wine for forty days (code for: Mama's in a deep depression as well!). Here's a picture of the flowers on our dining room table...our last hope of cheer in our house!

Hidden

I wonder, how does one live a separate life, as though his former life never existed? I imagine that it must be very hard to do so, and even harder to keep up the lies to the people in his new life. When he begins to date someone, does he admit to his past life? Ya know, the life with children in another state, the ones he sees few times a year and pays minimal support for? I wonder, what kind of girl finds this attractive? What kind of girl thinks "Now HE is husband material!"...and if said prick doesn't let on the details of his previous life, how does one look at himself in the mirror everyday? Living such a hidden, secretive life must be challenging and lonely.

Regardless, my dating life may not be as eventful and exciting, but at least my datees know the truths about my life. I have kids. I raise my kids. 99.9% of my money goes to supporting my kids. My kids are ALWAYS going to be around me. Lunch dates are not an option. Weekend getaways are most likely NOT an option either. And in order to go on a date on the weekend, I must get my mom to agree to keeping my munchkins for me. So no, my dating life isn't eventful or easy, but it's real and I have nothing to keep hidden.

REPENT

The Lenten season is upon us. Beginning today, many of us will celebrate a day of repentance, begin a fast for the next forty days, and hopefully become more like Jesus. Oftentimes, we see the word "repent" and think of it as a term in which we have to air our dirty laundry and promise to never do any of it ever again. In reality, to repent means to make a change. Regardless of the direction we have been going, by repenting, we are saying that we are ready to go a different direction and we are going to make the effort to go in that changed way.

Well, I am celebrating the day of change-- I'm looking for a different way to travel. I am making the conscience effort to stop trying to control everything. I am willing to let go and just let things play out-- without trying to force them. Also, I have chosen to give up wine for the next forty days! Wine and I have quite a close bond, but in preparation for the 5K in May, as a way to lose some extra weight, and just for the sake of giving up something that means a lot to me (hehehe) I'm giving up the delectable drink!

Here's to the next forty days!!!

Remembering

I got a text this morning from Aaron, reminding me that today is the seventeenth anniversary of his dad's passing. Of course I never knew Aaron's dad, but my heart hurts for Aaron. I know this is something that weighs heavy on his mind and on his heart. Today, more than most days, I worry about Aaron's sobriety. Even though I know he's taking every step to assure his sobriety, I still worry that the stress and memories can become overwhelming. I wish, more than anything, that the kids and I could have known Aaron's dad. I've heard from other people in Aaron's family that Aaron is a lot like his dad. I wonder how things would be, if he was still alive today.

So Aaron, if you're reading, know that I am remembering you and your dad today. You are loved by so many people, and I am confident that you're making your dad proud. Even though our situation may not be ideal, I still trust that you are making the right decisions for your continued sobriety...and I'm sure that would make your dad happy. Chin up young lad, and know that you are on my mind today.

Liar

My daughter is a con artist. Lilly seems to think up the most extravagant stories and tries to play them off as truths. I first thought of this as somewhat entertaining, as a chance for her to put her fabulous imagination to use, if you will. But it has now crossed the line of story-telling to flat out lying. She gets very offended when I call her out on her "fibs" but I want to make it crystal clear that she cannot get away with lying. I worry that I have a demon child on my hands! EEEEEEEK!

Exhausted

In a word, I'm too "exhausted" to even write a blog today! The weekend was great, but tiring, and I know the work-week I'm about to enter will also be exhausting. So, here's to an early bedtime tonight, and the start to another week of blogging.

Today

Today was the first time I've opened my home to friends and family. It was fantastic!

Today was a reminder that winter isn't quite over. The snow started decorating the sky shortly after my get-together ended, and seems to still be coming down. Boo.

Today I was told that I was beautiful. My heart skipped a beat, first time in a long time.

Today I was reminded how amazing my mom is. She came to town yesterday, after Lilly was sent home sick from school. She not only tended to Lilly by painting her fingers and toes, but also cleaned all three of my bathrooms in preparation for today's party. She's so much help to me, and I truly don't know what I'd do without her.

Today I felt like a kid again, playfully arguing with my cousin Megan, like we did when we were younger. Although she's been going through some crap, it's good to "have her back" and be able to share everything with each other again.

Today I listened to a BUNCH of songs by Brantley Gilbert. I love country music so much!

Today I took the kids to Oley's for some good, local, pizza. My kids are so well-behaved (most of the time) in public and I feel very proud of not only them, but of myself...because I know that they're good little kids because of ME!

Today, I sat alone in my bedroom and cried. I am extremely blessed to have such great people in my life. I have worked so hard for the things I have and I just feel such an overwhelming sense of pride to be where I am today.

Thank God for today.

Martyr

martyr: a person who seeks sympathy or attention by feigning or exaggerating pain, deprivation, etc.

We all know people who play the martyr, people who take on overwhelming tasks just for the sake of bitching about it. Even when these people are offered help, or solutions, they still choose to do it the hardest way possible, so as to have something to hold over people's heads later. When you are lucky enough to have a team of people all working towards a common goal, utilize each and every person's strengths to meet these goals. It seems that failing to do so is just suspending common sense! Accept the help, trust that your teammates are capable of doing the task, and learn to let go of some of the responsibility!!!


**stepping off soapbox now**

Success

We all define success differently. For some, success is measured by their job. For others it's the car they drive or the square footage of their house. Although we all want to say we aren't "those" people who define success by the things we have, the truth is, we all probably are guilty of this at some point and time.
What we should really take a look at are the relationships we have with other people, the friendships we've made over the years, the job we do as parents, the impact we have on those around us, and the lives we've changed over time. I had a very powerful conversation with a co-worker today. She has a lot of "stuff" going on in her life, with her kids, her job, her husband, and just within her self. By looking at this person, you'd never really know that she has so much "stuff" in her life. Not only is she A-DORABLE, but she almost always pulls everything together with such ease and grace. After talking with this co-worker, I realized something...We all have "stuff" going on in our lives. We all have bad days. We have days that are wonderful. But I really think it's how we pull through each day, that determines our level of success.
To me, a successful day is one with little confrontation from the tots in the morning, a day of little road rage on the way to work, hearing my favorite song (of the week) on the radio, enrolling prospective students during the workday (helping to better his/her life), a chat with an old friend on the phone in the evening, and a solid night of uninterrupted sleep. Sure, my definition of success may change on a daily basis, but regardless of my level of success, ending the day, knowing I'm doing good things for all the right reasons, is successful enough for me.

DIRTY

Today's word is DIRTY.

There are dirty people, dirty things, dirty words, dirty conversations, dirty businesses, and dirty thoughts. I think I've encountered all of the above today.

People are dirty, both literally (think Anderson's crusty face after a day at school)and figuratively (think the douche bag painter who left my house in shambles today). There are dirty things (think of my plaster and paint filled sink from aforementioned dirty painter). Some dirty words are worse than others (think "c" word-- that's for you Jessica Le!). Girls and guys can have dirty conversations and dirty thoughts...none of which should be "okay" but usually are!

Sure, most of these things can be cleaned up, but maybe the point of all things dirty is just that...to be gross, wrong, and...well, dirty!

NEW

NaBloPoMo's theme this month is "In a Word"....so as a prompt for this month's blogging, I'll try it out!

The word "new" is actually something that I put into practice at the start of the year. I promised myself to try new things, take new risks, make new goals, and meet new people. I promised myself to try a new way of thinking, and for the most part I've started doing all these "new" things.

Today is March 1st. A new day, a new month, a new start. It's a chance for me to forget (or get over) the stuff that happened in February, make new choices for this month, and put into play new plans. I'm super excited!

Another "new" thing happening is the finishing of my bedroom remodel. Although I didn't demo any walls or fixtures, I did have my room painted a new bold color, purchased new bedding and furniture (which will be delivered today, fitting eh?!), and went with a whole new decorating scheme! I've really made my room for ME. This is the first time I've been able to do this, as I've always had to consider Aaron's opinions in the past (although they weren't REALLY that weighted, but I did do greens instead of purples out of respect for him). I'm so excited to go home today and enjoy my NEW bedroom (pictures to follow)!

Well, here's to a new day and a new month of blogging!