Lucky Chance

It's My List O' Good!

2012-02-01T14:50:00.000-05:00

I've been "terribly negative" in my last two posts. I hope that's not normal behavior for me, but just in case, I want to be sure I focus on the things that make me happy in life!!! So here is my list o' good things that are going on right now...

8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
I've lost 4 lbs since Friday, woot woot!
I get my hair done tomorrow!
The kids were in SUPER great moods today!
Lilly had watch-week at ballet yesterday and did an AMAZING job! She's MUCH better at ballet than tap!
We are having a FANTASTIC week at work!
8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
My family from TN is coming to Wabash this weekend! I CANNOT WAIT to see them!
The weather has been awesome!!! Yesterday it was 58 degrees when I got off work. And it was 45 degrees when I came into work today! February WHAT?!
I'm still VERY excited about life. (I feel as though I went a tad off the depression deep end yesterday!)
We get to wear jeans and an NFL jersey tomorrow to work! YAY!
8 more days until my cruise with my brother!
It's the first day of the month, and all my bills are paid for the entire month already! Woot woot!
I am still very much in love with JM!
My son is HILARIOUSLY entertaining!
OOOH, and 8 more days until my cruise with my brother!

So, for any of my readers who feared that I had become a cynical, depressed, negative writer (or person)...here is my dose of happiness!

And then came the anger

2012-01-31T09:06:00.001-05:00

There are seven steps to grief, or so they say. I think I'm in the anger stage. I'm not just mad at JM. I'm mad at myself. Probably more so at myself, in fact.

I'm mad that I let someone in. I am, by nature, bitter about relationships. Happy couples make my stomach hurt. They gross me out. But then I met JM and all that changed. We were disgustingly cute together. We were mushy, lovey, and just make-you-puke happy together. I'm mad that I became "that" girl. I let my wall down and I got crushed. Lesson learned.
I'm mad that I let someone around my kids. JM was the first person (other than their dad, obviously), who I let spend any amount of quality time with my babies. I have protected my kids from as much as I possibly can-- even when it came to their own father. I swore to myself, to my family, and to their dad that I would never have guys "in and out" of their lives. I swore to myself that, unless I felt my relationship was solid, I'd never let someone around them. I'd never bring someone into their life that had the potential to leave them. I'm mad that I failed my kids.
I'm mad that I find love letters from JM all over my house, my office, my car...I'm mad that they still make my heart skip a beat every time I read them.
I'm mad that I don't have the strength that I once had when it comes to relationships...or moving on from them.
I'm mad that I cried myself to sleep for the past three nights.
I'm mad that I have slept less than 12 hours in the past three nights.
I'm mad that JM wasn't willing to put anything into making things work. I'm angry that I find people who seem to easily walk away from me and the kids (their dad, and now JM).
I'm mad that I'm so insecure. I need to get over it.
I'm mad that JM doesn't even care that the kids asked about when he'd be "home" next. I'm mad that I don't have an answer for them.
I'm mad that I'm so mad.
I'm mad that EVERYTHING reminds me of him and that I am on the verge of tears for at least ten hours a day.
I'm mad that my closet is half empty.
I'm mad that I didn't keep just one of his t-shirts to sleep with. (I'm mad that I just admitted I act like a thirteen year old girl!)
I'm mad that I'm so mean. I'm mad that I have a big mouth that gets me in trouble. I'm mad that I don't have a filter. I'm mad that I say things that "insecure Gretchen" feels, but that "reality Gretchen" knows to be untrue. I'm mad that I focus on the first way too often.
I'm mad that I used the word "perfect" to describe JM, our relationship, and our love SO often. I feel like I was duped.
I'm mad that I'm tired.

You Realize....

2012-01-30T09:28:00.000-05:00

After you lose someone important, you realize that nothing you do seems normal anymore. You realize how much a part of your life that person was. Here's what I realized driving in....

I can't listen to the radio anymore. Every. Single. Song reminds me of him. I tried to listen to Bullfrogs and Butterflies (my kids' Christian cd, that my brother and I used to listen to as kids also), but then I was reminded that I was listening to it because I couldn't listen to the radio. Ugh.
You can get heart burn, even if you haven't eaten in two days.
Cramming your clothes into one side of the closet, because you can't fathom the idea that he's never coming back and won't need that side of the closet anymore, is okay. This works also with a dresser. Who needs six dresser drawers to herself? Three will work. It's worked for the past 3 months, it can work for a while longer.
It IS possible to keep your kids out of said closet, so as to escape from having to answer questions, quite yet.
Avoiding text messages from friends and family to avoid tears is okay. As much as the "pep talks" are intended for warm wishes, they actually do quite the opposite. Thanks, but please don't send anymore, at least during business hours, or hours that might be spent with my children.
The old saying is true...."Appreciate the little things in life, for one day they will be the big things."
Words hurt. You can't get away with saying mean things your whole life. You have to be willing to stop trying to protect yourself, and be open to trusting the person you love. I failed at this. Over and over.
NEVER use things associated with your boyfriend as ALL your passwords. The next time you try to sign into ANYTHING, you'll cry.
Little things, like making the bed, should be rewarded...at least today! GO GRETCHEN! (See? That worked for me!)
Going to bed at 7:30pm is NOT beneficial if you're just going to wake up every two hours.
When people tell you that you're strong, it's not always a good thing. Sometimes it's okay to cry. Sometimes it's okay to need someone. Sometimes it's okay to pray to God that he can help change this.
It's okay to have days where you want to call him and text him and let him know that you still love him...other days it's okay to write a blog about it!
Most importantly, I realized this morning that I might have to MAKE myself have a good day today. I'm probably going to have to remind myself to smile. But, I have two beautiful babies who remind me how blessed I am, and I will cling to that, more today than ever before.

Here I Am!

2012-01-27T12:24:00.001-05:00

It's been a minute since I've written anything...just a quick update...

We're still alive and well!
Lilly lost her tooth (picture to follow). It's been growing money in a glass of water, for the past few days! Lilly thinks its awesome!!
Lilly got Cody Coyote Wednesday at school (WOOT WOOT!) on her 100th day of kindergarten! We celebrated with Cebollas (thanks Daddy!)
I'm adjusting quite well to my 30's (hehe)!
Aaron and I just planned the kids' next visit to Minnesota! They're going during Lilly's spring break! I am excited for the time alone, but I'll miss them dearly, of course! I know they'll have fun!
JM's 31st bday is right around the corner! I'm planning something super fun (I hope!) for him!
Two weeks from yesterday is my cruise! Uncle G is staying with the kids-- they're super excited! Thanks Uncle G!!!!!

Birthday Dinner!

2012-01-15T16:08:00.002-05:00

Thanks to all my girls who were able to come last night to my birthday dinner! It was a perfect way to prepare for the big 3-0! I am so lucky to have such amazing friends to help me celebrate! Love you all!

Birthday Celebrations!

2012-01-13T16:26:00.001-05:00

Today began what was once referred to as "Gretch-fest" in my younger days! Gretch-fest is the days leading up to my birthday, and this year, it's my 30th!!! In my early twenties (sooo long ago!) I worked at a bar with one of my best friends. Every year, we celebrated for an entire week leading up to our birthdays. Although the tradition has tapered off, I still appreciate a few days of celebration! LOL!

At work today, my co-workers bombarded my office to sing Happy Birthday to me! One of my favorite work sisters (hehe) baked the most delicious cupcakes, one of the guys brought in doughnuts this morning, people chipped in and ordered a bunch of pizzas for lunch, and at the end of the workday, we had ice cream cake! YUM! It has been a FABULOUS day! To top it off, JM worked in FTW today and was there to celebrate the whole thing with me!

Tomorrow I'm doing dinner with some of my closest girlfriends! I'm SO excited!

As It Should Be...

2012-01-11T14:12:00.000-05:00

It's been awhile since I've done a hodge podge post...so here it goes...

Rumor has it that we're supposed to get some snow tomorrow. Ugh. Although I figured this "winter wonderland" that we've had (sunny, 50 degrees, GORGEOUS) wouldn't stick around ALL winter, I was hoping it'd at least push on through January! Oh well...If we get the snow Anderson and JM will be pleased. (For the record, I am NOT going out to play in the fluffy white stuff. You'll find me cuddled up inside with my precious Lilly!)
I'm SO excited to be spending Saturday evening with some of my best friends for my birthday dinner. It's my 30th birthday and I can't think of a better way to end my 20's than hanging out over good food and wine, with my girlfriends. I CANNOT WAIT!
Lilly's tooth is still hanging on! She's become quite clever coming up with new ways to eat out of the side of her mouth! Haha! We'll see how long this lasts! I told her to ask Crampa (my dad) to pull it for her tonight, but she about FLIPPED when I suggested that!
Things at work have been improving. I decided that I have no other choice right now than to make the most of the situation with the change in hours. The bottom line is that my kids are happy to spend the time with my mom and dad every week, and they LOVE our neighbor friend whom they'll spend the other day with. I know that my kids will be taken care of and happy! I'm choosing to make the most of the less-than-ideal situation. Like I've said a million times, I LOVE my job and I love the people I work with. I'm not sure I'm ready to throw in the towel on all that just yet.
Less than one month until my brother and I leave for our cruise! To say I'm excited would be the understatement of the century! I'm SOOOOOOOO excited! I can't wait to be laying out in the sun! This will be my very first cruise EVER! CANNOT WAIT!

Tooth Fairy No More?

2012-01-10T14:51:00.001-05:00

So I wrote Sunday about Lilly's wiggly tooth. Well, it's still hanging on, but I doubt for long! Today, my brother texted me and asked how she was doing with it. And he asked what our "plans" were for when it fell out. Huh? Plans? Ummm, I PLANNED to put it under her pillow and give her a buck from the Tooth Fairy. What other PLANS are required?

According to my brother, losing a tooth is a big deal for kids, especially that FIRST tooth! I agree, it IS a huge deal and I'm SO excited for Lilly to join her other gap-smile friends. BUT, I don't plan on calling out the entertainment clowns to celebrate! The more I thought about it, I wondered if my brother was on to something. He pointed out that a lot of people don't necessarily think giving kids MONEY for a tooth falling out is a good idea. And maybe he's right. Why "reward" biology?

What do you do when your kid loses a tooth? Give me some ideas...and quickly, because I don't think that little toofer has much longer!

Wiggly Tooth

2012-01-08T20:02:00.001-05:00

Lilly has her first loose tooth! This is a monumental event in our home, as Lilly has been hoping for one for months...or ever since her cousin Chloe lost a couple teeth! Mama, on the other hand, is not so excited for this event for a couple reasons. First of all because this means my little girl is growing up. I'm not good at handling that! Secondly, because I HATE blood and all gross things! I just DON'T handle that!

Lilly called her daddy tonight to tell him the exciting news! Aaron laughed when Lilly blurted out "DADDY, I HAVE A WIGGLY TOOTH!" He asked Lills if she knew what happened when her tooth fell out. He said "the tooth fairy brings you dollars!" I quickly corrected him...the tooth fairy brings A dollar!

The next few days (or however long it takes for a wiggly tooth to finally fall out) will be stressful on us all! Lilly is SO anxious for it to fall out (and for the tooth fairy to visit). I am just PRAYING that it falls out on someone else's watch. I'm not sure how I'll handle it! Keep us in your prayers during this exciting time!!!

But We'll Do It...

2012-01-07T23:22:00.003-05:00

JM is a Lion's fan. We are NOT Lions fans. We are Colts fans first, and Packer's fans second. It's always been this way! But, since JM is pretty much a part of our family, we have agreed to jump on his bandwagon, as long as it doesn't interfere with our own personal choice of teams (ie Michigan vs Indiana basketball! GO HOOSIERS!).

Bubby, trying to be a good sport!

But then the game just got pathetic. And Bubby got bored....so it looked more like this...

"Lions. Seriously?"

How Do I Manage?

2012-01-06T18:16:00.003-05:00

I've been asked a lot about how I "manage" being a single, working mom. I always answer, "oh, I just MAKE it work." Well, today has been one of those days where I literally sit here wondering how I'm going to manage.

I. Am. Exhausted. I'm not tired from being overloaded at work, because Lord knows that's not it. And I'm not exhausted because of my kids, because they really are easy-going, good babies. I'm not exhausted because of my boyfriend, because he's amazing and makes things as easy as possible for me (love him!). But, when I look at things, as a whole, I get EXHAUSTED.
Things are changing at work, where I'll have to start working two late nights a week. As it sits now, I work one "late" night (11:30-8pm). My parents have been AMAZING in helping me. They take turns driving an hour (each way), to make sure my kids are taken care of every Thursday night. They drive straight from work, pick up my kids from school, feed them dinner, get them ready for bed, and put them to bed EVERY SINGLE Thursday night. It makes it SO much easier on ME to know that my kids are happy and well taken care of while I'm working. I HATE being away from them at bedtime. It's aggravating to think that now I'm going to be working TWO nights a week and have to count on another person to put my kids to bed TWICE a week now. It doesn't just aggravate me, it makes me LIVID, to be quite honest. Since my parents are already doing one night, I have a neighbor friend who is willing to get them the other night, although of course it's going to cost me. So, on top of being away from my kids an additional night each week, I'm now going to be paying an extra $90 a month for someone else to put my kids to bed.
It makes me SICK to think that I'll not see them for two nights. It makes me sad to think that I work for a company that's so family UNfriendly. I'm just not "that" parent who can be away from my kids that much EVERY SINGLE WEEK. I just don't have it in me. It's bad enough being away from them ONE night a week, but it makes it easier knowing they're with my mom or dad.

I'm asking for some prayers for this situation. I am completely torn as to what I need to do. I know what's best for my family, but I also know that it's just ME financially supporting this family. I need to figure out how to "manage" this on my own. Thanks for your prayers in advance.

Oh Lilly!

2012-01-05T15:06:00.002-05:00

So I was going through my phone looking at pictures that we've taken recently. And I came across a trend. My kids ~~like~~ ~~love~~ are OBSESSED with posing for pictures! Lilly sees a camera and just instantly strikes a pose! See what I mean.....

Throw together an outfit and POSE!

Before ballet

Before school

Road trip!

Today, before school...

Curious Boys

2012-01-04T16:32:00.001-05:00

Warning: This post contains some notsoflattering pictures of both my boyfriend and my son. You've been warned.

So Tuesday nights are ballet nights. Lilly has ballet from 4:30-5:15. Usually, I leave Anderson at daycare while I take Lilly to ballet because it's just easier than having to find things to keep Anderson quietly entertained for forty-five minutes in the lobby at the dance studio. ANYWAY...yesterday, I decided that, with the cold and snow, I'd just get Anderson at the same time. I brought along his iPod so he'd have something to do. After Lilly went into her class, Anderson and I were talking and I noticed brown marker behind his ears. WHAT. IS. THAT!? He told me that he met Curious George at school and that he's now brown like Curious George (thanks daycare teachers!). So, there sat my brown-behind-the-ears son, thinking he looked like Curious George!
I quickly texted my mom and JM to tell them of this...and here's what I got back from JM:

Text from JM (while on a conference call): "Curious (JM)"

When I showed Anderson the picture of JM, he laughed and did this:

"Curious Bubby!"

My my my...what silly silly boys I have! **Oh, and guess which super mom forgot to clean off the brown marker behind Curious Bubby's ears this morning before school! Whoops! That's what I get for letting them skip a bath!**

But Who Would Be Our Mom?

2012-01-03T09:00:00.003-05:00

Morning drive conversation went like this today:

Lilly: Mom, we go to heaven when we die, right?
Me: Yeah, why?
Lilly: But if we go to heaven, we're there forever, right? We never come back down?
Me: That's right. (seriously confused where this conversation is coming from)
Lilly: But, if I am in heaven, who will stay with Anderson?
Me: Well...
Anderson: If you're going to heaven, I'm going with you!! (in an almost panicked voice)
Lilly: But then who will be with Mom?
Me: Well, hopefully I'll be in heaven before you are Lills.
Anderson: But if you're in heaven, who would be our Mom?
Lilly: NANA!
(*smile!*)
Anderson: Nana will be in heaven before Mom. Right Mom?
(I'm literally tearing up at this point. WHY are we talking about this?)
Me: Well...I mean, it's up to God when He lets people into heaven.
Lilly: He let Gigi in heaven, right mom?
Me: Yep!
Lilly: So when Nana gets to heaven she can be with Gigi again?
Me: Yep!
Anderson: I can't wait to get to heaven.
(*tears*)

So this conversation went on a couple more minutes, but here's what struck me...It's interesting how kids are SO open to talking about death. I STILL have chills from our early morning conversation, but it makes me happy to know that the kids know about heaven and death. It doesn't need to be such a taboo topic. It's part of life, afterall. When we first moved into our house, there was a spot along the final road leading to my addition where Anderson would roll down his window and say "Hi Gigi!" It was no joke. It seemed like there was one spot where he would always "see" Gigi. It warmed my heart. It's interesting that anytime we talk about death, heaven, Gigi, God, etc...the conversation seems to also start at that same spot on our drive. Hmmm!

FaceTime

2012-01-02T09:35:00.000-05:00

My kids each got an iPod Touch for Christmas! To say they LOVE them would be an understatement! They loooooooooooooooooooooove them! They have downloaded a lot of games, many of which are just silly games, but most of which are educational! When my brother set up their iPods, he had to assign email addresses to them. The kids' email addresses are funny (little nicknames he has for them!) and it's SO weird to have the kids' names in my contacts on my phone!

As if having their little names in my phone isn't weird enough, receiving CALLS from them (FaceTime) is even crazier! Imagine my surprise to see Lilly's little face pop up on my phone, while she's at my mom's house and I'm at home!! Then, while I was at the grocery yesterday I got an iMessage from Anderson! It's so funny!!!

Showing off their new iPods!

Let's Begin...

2012-01-01T19:16:00.001-05:00

Happy 2012! Last night JM took me to dinner at a nice little place near home. Dinner was great, conversation was perfect, and to top it off, the Hoosiers WON! After dinner we came home and played cards with our neighbor friends, Josh and Amanda! It's so nice to have such good friends nearby! The kids stayed the night with Nana, so JM and I took advantage and stayed up late to watch the ball drop! Kissing him at midnight was so special, and I look forward to spending the next 365 days with him! I fall more in love with him each day. And that's no joke!

I am so excited to get this year started! At the risk of jinxing myself, I have to say that the past two years have been absolutely great! Although there have been bumps along the way, for the most part I have really progressed upwardly (is that a word?!). Each year life just seems to come together more easily and things just really feel settled. I absolutely love it!

I look forward to all the exciting things that are in store for us this year. I'm excited for Lilly to get back to school this week. And I am excited to see how much she'll change throughout the rest of the school year. Anderson will start Junior Kindergarten later this year. JM will be moving here in a few months, if all goes as planned. I know 2012 is going to be an amazing year! I cannot wait to see where we all go!

It's A Wrap!

2011-12-31T11:09:00.002-05:00

As 2011 comes to a close, I can't help but reflect on the AH-MAY-ZING year it's been! Here's how it all went down...

January: I spent my 29th birthday in Chicago with my brothers! Their friend Andrea was kind enough to watch my kiddies, so that the guys and I could go downtown to Kinzie Chophouse for dinner. Dinner was delicious and it was SO nice to spend time with A and G for the night! It was BY FAR, the best birthday I've ever had! My brothers are so amazing!!!

February: I took a major self-inventory and realized that the way I was living was... hard...because I was MAKING it hard. I learned to finally put into practice the simple steps that I'd heard for so long. Learning (and living) to take things "one day at a time" really helped me take a step back from trying to control life, stay calm, and just turn things over to God. Although it's still something I have to remind myself of daily, it has helped me to enjoy things more. I've learned to try to accept things (and people) for what they are, not question "why", and just "do me"....these are things I obviously still struggle with, but for the most part I can honestly say I have taken a step back and just let things BE.

March: When our boss told us that we'd be getting a new traveling admissions rep for awhile, our entire staff whined that our "normal" guy, Cliff, wouldn't be coming. We didn't want this new guy. Ugh. Who knew that this boy would turn my world so completely upside down! I remember when JM walked into our campus for the first time. I barely looked up from my computer to welcome him. He quickly walked by my office and into his own, and I don't really remember talking to him the first two days that he was here. Finally, we made small talk and QUICKLY became inseparable. The week my kids were in MN with their dad, JM and I spent four out of the five days together, learning as much as we could about each other.

April: JM and I continued building our relationship, though from afar, as he was working between here and Michigan for a majority of the month. We went out as much as we could, (thank you Mom for helping with the kids SO much!), but most of our dates were via phone late at night once he got off work!
My cousin Megan and I took our two older girls to Disney Princess on Ice! They loved it! It's so much fun having kids the same age!

Chloe and Lilly at Disney on Ice

May: The first weekend this month, Megan and I ran our very first 5K in Chicago! Although it's not much to most people, the 3.something mile race was a huge accomplishment to us! We "trained" for a couple months, and were VERY proud of ourselves for finishing!

Megan, Me, Gary, Manny, and Andrea..post race pic!

Also this month, we celebrated Lilly's 5th birthday by throwing a big polka-dot party! It was so much fun to have friends and family here to celebrate with us! Aaron was able to come in from MN to be here with Lills too! It was just a GREAT party for our little lady!

Happy Birthday Lilly!

June: My dear friend Shannon welcomed her first daughter, baby Kinslee! Yay!
Earlier in the month, Megan and I joined my brothers and their friends in Indy for the wine festival. FUN!!! Although it was SUPER hot, we had SO much fun together! I can't wait to go again next year!!
I spent a majority of the early months of summer outside in the sun, with the kiddies...just enjoying life!

July: The kids, JM, and I spent July 4th in Wabash with Megan, and her girls! It was very low-key, and so much fun!
Late in the month, the kids went to MN for another week! I took the time to spend a night in Michigan with JM for the first time. I met his immediate family and LOVED them! The next weekend, I took a weekend trip with Megan, to St.Joe, MI and then onto Chicago. Megan and I took full advantage of being kidless, by sipping on Shandy for a majority of the weekend! FUN!

Me and Meg, at A&G's place in Chicago

August: And so began the rest of her life! My little Lilly started kindergarten this month! We had a lot of things leading up to her first day, including kindergarten registration, kindergarten kick-off, and a quick meet and greet with her teacher. Finally the big day was here. Lilly's. First. Day. Of. School. OH MY GOODNESS! I can't believe she is old enough to start school...REAL SCHOOL! Although it was (VERY) hard leaving her in the classroom on that first day, I knew she was in good hands, and I knew she'd be just fine. She made it through her first day (and months) just fine!

September: What a month! I met JM's extended family at a Labor Day cookout. They were amazing, of course. Then the next weekend, JM met my brothers for the first time! He was a hit! They loved him! JM and I took our first major roadtrip together! We went to Cleveland for a wedding. It was nice to meet JM's friends for the first time!
JM and I joined some friends for a country music festival in downtown FTW. It was FUN to spend the evening with friends, family, and good music!

Josh, Amanda, me, and JM

October: I took the kids to JM's house in MI for the first time. We spent the day in GR for Pulaski Days (eeeeh!).
I interviewed for (and didn't get) a new position at work.
The kids and I went to FL with my mom and brothers for a quick little weekend vacation! We flew in on a Friday morning, spent the day shopping in Orlando, and woke up the next day to go to Sea World. It was SO much fun! The kids LOVED Sea World, and it was the PERFECT trip!

November: We ventured to Chicago for Thanksgiving! It was great having JM celebrate with us this year! We had our first (and only) snow of the season. Thankfully it was over as quickly as it started! The snow melted after a couple days!

Uncle Adam and Lills

December: Still no snow (knock on wood). It's been the most PERFECT "winter" so far! One day of snow, temperatures in the 40's, and a GREEN Christmas! Woot woot!
It was our first Christmas with JM. He spoiled me like CRRRRAZY (I thoroughly enjoyed it!)!
Anderson turned FOUR this month!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe he's already FOUR! He keeps telling us that "four year olds are so much nicer than three year olds!" We'll see!!! JM and I took Anderson to his first hockey game for his birthday! He LOVED it!!!!!!!!!!!

I cannot wait to get another year started! I'm so excited to see what 2012 has in store!!!!!!!!

Eh, Why Not?!

2011-12-30T12:33:00.002-05:00

Having a couple days off work inspires me...to sit on the couch and mess around with the look of my blog!

Yesterday, JM and I both had the day off. We took the kids to daycare (don't judge my parenting!) and used the "free time" to return a few Christmas gifts, use up our gift cards, and just enjoy each other's time! It was nice to spend a weekday together, without babies. Last night, we took Anderson to his first hockey game! HE. LOVED. IT! We all three had so much fun! (Pictures to come, I promise!)
Today is another relaxing day! Kids are at daycare, JM and I are about to head to a movie (or first movie together in nine months!), and it's after noon and I'm still in my jammies. I'm taking FULL advantage of this long holiday weekend!

Passing It On

2011-12-28T12:14:00.000-05:00

My cousin Megan and I were the BEST of friends when we were younger. We would lie and tell people that we were twins! It was so much fun! A couple weeks ago, we took a night for "us" and watched (for the millionth time) our favorite movie, Beaches. I think I already blogged about that! Anyway, Megan and I have kids the same ages. It's been fun to see our kids grow into friends too!
One of my favorite memories from my childhood, was spending holidays with my cousins at Grandma Hahn's house. We were a family of traditions. We met at the same time, every holiday. The kids did the same activities every year! We would go bowling after Thanksgiving or Christmas (and it almost always resulted in a big argument). But we always had fun together! Each family's kids were similar in age, so it was nice to have specific cousins in the same age group. For me, it was Eric and Megan. We always had fun!

It's been fun to see my kids and my cousins' kids "pair off" again! Lilly and Chloe are good buddies (although Lilly LOVES little Eli too!). And Anderson seems to do whatever precious Ava is doing! It's so cute! This year at Christmas, it was fun to see ALL six kids play together! Here's a picture I was able to snap (this NEVER happens so easily!)!!!

Noah and Eli (Aaron and Sarah's kids); Lilly (mine!); Chloe and Ava (Megan's kids); and Anderson (mine!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ANDY MANO!

2011-12-27T09:32:00.001-05:00

Today is my precious baby's birthday! Here are just a couple pictures from his birthday party yesterday! I'll take the time this week to catch up on the past few days!

Such a happy birthday boy!

Uncle G and Anderson

Our Christmas Letter

2011-12-24T07:54:00.000-05:00

Wow! I cannot believe 2011 is already coming to an end! There have been a lot of exciting changes that have gone on this year. So, in case you've missed out on anything that's happened this year, here's what we've been up to!

Lilly started kindergarten this year! Although it was rough on us all (okay, me!), Lilly seems to have adjusted well and has only had a couple minor transitional issues. (Who knew it was bad manners to stand on your head at circle time?!) She rides the bus this year, which is a pretty big deal too! I see changes in her daily, and it's still so hard to believe that my little girl is in kindergarten! Lilly is also in ballet and tap! She takes class once a week, for forty-five minutes. She has a lot of fun and seems to really enjoy it! I cannot wait until her recital in the spring! (Stay tuned for pictures!)

Anderson is still at preschool all day. He loves it! He has developed quite the personality, and is such a silly boy! Anderson took tennis lessons this past summer. Fort Wayne has a parks and rec summer program, which includes a five-week tennis class. Although his class was earrrrly on Saturday mornings, he enjoyed the lessons and I think he'll probably want to do it again next summer! Watching him grow into a little man absolutely warms my heart. It's hard to believe he'll be four at the end of this month!

I'm still working for the same company in Fort Wayne. I have made amazing friendships with my co-workers, and I feel so lucky to love my job as much as I do! For those who don't already know, I bought a house last year (July 2010). I love being a homeowner and it's been very exciting making changes to the house! I can't believe we've already had our house for over a year now!

The kids spent a few weeks in Minnesota over the course of the past year. They have fun spending time with their dad, and I love that they're still able to see him, even with him being so far away. Although I dread their time away from me, it IS nice to have a break every once in awhile! The kids and I went to Florida a couple months ago for a quick weekend getaway! We spent a day at Sea World, and the kids absolutely loved it! It was a perfect, quick trip! In addition to these trips, we also spent some time in Chicago with my brothers! I look forward to taking more family trips next year (starting with a cruise in February with my brother, to celebrate my 30th birthday!!!!)

I look forward to starting 2012 with as much enthusiasm, and hope for another amazing year!

Butterflies

2011-12-22T14:28:00.000-05:00

Lately certain things have given me that butterfly feeling...ya know, the feeling like you could just jump up and down because your heart feels so full of love and excitement! I thought I'd make a list of things that give me butterflies!

seeing JM's handwriting on forms at work. (we work for the same company)
hearing Anderson crawl into bed with me in the morning and feeling his little hand on my shoulder
hearing songs that make me think of my grandma
waking up and seeing JM's love letters to me
the pictures on my desk of my kids
thinking of my little Lilly...doing anything. Oh I just love her to pieces!
getting a vm from JM, and hearing him call me "baby girl!"
receiving a text from an old friend
thinking about Christmas morning!

She takes my breath away

2011-12-21T16:16:00.002-05:00

I've had this picture saved in my inbox since August of 2008. On days like today, I open it up for a little reminder that someone very special in heaven is watching over me. It helps to calm my mind and settle my nerves. Knowing that I'm not going through life alone, that I have someone very special helping me through each day, makes my heart happy.

In my free time...

2011-12-20T13:42:00.002-05:00

With Aaron being here these past few days, I've realized that with the help of another parent, it frees up a lot of my time! I haven't made dinner in five days. I have managed to squeeze in a haircut, a manicure, and have tanned more than once in the past week. Last night, I even got home after 6:30pm. OH. MY. GOSH!! Although I've enjoyed my free time, I feel like I haven't really spent quality time with the kids-- since when I am home with them, they're either on their new DS's or they're climbing all over their dad. I have missed reading to them at the end of the day, I've missed bathtime, jammie time, and even bedtime. Daddy has put them to bed the past two nights and it kinda makes me sad! As much as I've enjoyed the mini-break from reality, I miss our normal routine and I'm looking forward to getting back to it. Aaron will be gone in less than four hours, and I can't tell you how happy I am to have my kids back to myself!!!!

Lesson Learned

2011-12-18T20:50:00.002-05:00

"When the past calls, let it go to voice-mail. It has nothing new to say."

So, I mentioned earlier this week that Aaron is home to spend some time with the kids for the holidays. Although ~~every one~~ many of my friends wondered WHY I was being so generous to Aaron by paying for a room for him and the kids (JM "donated" his hotel points) at a hotel one night so the kids could swim, letting him stay at my house one night (while I stayed in Wabash with my cousin), and letting him hang out with the kids at my house while I was at work for two days, the bottom line was that I was willing to do anything to keep my kids in FTW over the holidays versus them traveling to MN for a week. With the winter weather, I wasn't willing to risk them driving across country for a week, just to celebrate Christmas with their dad. It made more sense for him to hunker down here in FTW for a few days instead.

While I appreciate the fact that Aaron agreed to celebrate in FTW, I can't help but regret my decision to be so generous to him. He has taken advantage of my gratuity, for the millionth time. I came home today to find my Christmas tree still aglow (middle of the day), my space heater running on full-blast, my kitchen lights on, the television blaring, and my dryer full of HIS clothes. SERIOUSLY? Aaron and I haven't been a couple for the past two years or more. He doesn't have the "right" to just leave my house in shambles and more importantly, to do laundry with MY soaps, without my permission. I've been more than generous by opening up MY home to him.

The bottom line is that I did what I did this year, for my kids. I wanted them to be able to spend time with their dad over the holidays, but I wanted them HERE. I guess this is what they mean when they say "you do what you have to do for your children." Things don't always work out perfectly, but as long as I can keep as much normalcy for my kids during the next couple days, I've done what I've needed to do.

Prayers please.

Christmas with Daddy!

2011-12-16T13:24:00.001-05:00

I'm so excited for my kids this weekend! Aaron gets to town later today, and he and the kids will spend tonight in a hotel (with a pool of course!)! Tomorrow morning they'll come back home and open their gifts from Aaron! They are under the impression that Santa stops in Minnesota first because it's closer to the North Pole (sure!)! So, since Santa already stopped at Daddy's house, we're going to celebrate Christmas with Daddy Saturday morning! I'm excited for the kids, mostly because Aaron got them exactly what they wanted (of course), but also because I'm glad that Aaron has never missed out on a Christmas with them. Even if they have to celebrate it on a different day, it still means a lot to me that they have their own Christmas with their Dad.
Stay tuned for pictures.

The rest of the weekend, the kids will hang out with Aaron, while I go to Wabash to spend some quality time with my cousin Megan! Her kids are also going to be gone, so we plan to go get manicures, maybe get some pizza and wine, and watch our ALL TIME favorite movie, Beaches! We used to watch that movie three times a day when we were younger! I cannot wait!!!

A Wise Girl Once Told Me...

2011-12-14T09:58:00.001-05:00

I was dealing with a lot of heavy "stuff" on Monday. Things were weighing heavy on my heart and making my mind swirl. Before I picked up the kids that afternoon, I just lost it. I sat in a parking lot, just sobbing my heart out on the phone to JM, (bless his heart for not freaking out and running the opposite way!). It wasn't pretty, let me just say that! Anyway, by the time I picked up the kids from school, my eyes were puffy and red, and I looked a mess! I tried to pull myself together, but Lilly asked what was wrong with my eyes. Ugh, bad parenting...never let your kids see you upset.

When we got to the car, Lilly asked what was wrong. She was very concerned. My only answer to her was "sometimes people just say mean things and it hurts Mama's feelings." Lilly's response: "Mom, you just need to walk away and not bite their hook." What? I asked her what that meant. She explained that when people are mean to you, you just need to plug your ears and walk away. She said that sometimes people just say mean things to trap you. They want you to cry. She said "as long as you don't bite their hook, you can't get hurt." Wow. My five year old just said one of the most profound things I had ever heard (seriously!)!

It's true. We sometimes set ourself up for disappointment by letting people hook us. We take the bait and end up getting hurt, for no reason. If we had just walked away and carried on with life as usual, maybe we wouldn't have ended up crying in a parking lot somewhere. My plan for the future-- walk away and don't bite their hook. (Thanks Lills!)

Keep It Happy!

2011-12-13T08:55:00.001-05:00

So I totally was "that" facebooker the past few days. Sunday night I posted about my struggles with Aaron. I did the vague, "...and just when I think I've heard it all, he comes and shocks me with another one. I truly thought, in the past six years, I had heard it all from him. Wow." Although my close friends and family knew who/what I was referring to, I still took it "there" and it was just unnecessary. Then last night I posted something about being exhausted with having to be the positive voice in a crowd of so much negativity. Again, it was one of those "tell just enough to make people ask questions" type of posts. It's tacky, and I apologize to my fb friends who also read my blog!

But here's the deal. I LOVE my life. I LOVE my job. I am HAPPY with where I am in life. But, there are bad days and there are issues that come up that make me question everything (and post a bogus fb status or two!). And sometimes I just get tired of having to be the team's cheerleader. Sometimes I just want to blubber to my boyfriend about the crappy day I had. Sometimes I just want to be mad at the world for...everything. I really feel stressed about having to keep everyone else happy. I am tired of hearing about EVERYONE'S crap. BUT.....

In posting my pathetic fb status, my bff Brandon's step-mom wrote: "'Let no one encounter you without your parting gift of encouragement and hope.' I know how hard it is to remain positive in a negative world; but let me encourage you to LET YOUR LIGHT SHINE BRIGHTLY! William James said 'Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.' You are always planting seeds with your words of encouragement! Be blessed my friend!"

So yes, sometimes it's tacky-magacky (yes, you can use that word) to post garbage on facebook, but sometimes you just need that encouragement from someone. For me, it was Karen, reminding me to keep on shining and keep on keeping on. Because regardless of how exhausting it may be to ME to cheer people up or keep people happy, it must be a lot more exhausting to have such a negative outlook on so many things in life.

Nana time!

2011-12-11T09:06:00.001-05:00

The kids and I had a very relaxing weekend! Friday evening we picked up pizzas on the way home from work/school and watched a movie cuddled up on the couch together. As much as I LOVE having JM here, sometimes it's nice to get alone time with the kids!

Saturday morning, my mom came to town. She promised the kids that they could help her decorate her Christmas cookies this year, so she brought all her cookies to our house and let the kids go crazy on them! The kids LOVED it and had so much fun with Nana! We discovered that Anderson has a knack for decorating cookies....Lilly, not so much!

Making the icing!

Putting on the sprinkles!

Stay In Touch!

2011-12-09T10:30:00.001-05:00

I took a huge leap of faith this year by putting my blog address on our family Christmas cards. My blog has somewhat switched from an online journal of my own life, to a way of keeping family and friends informed about what is going on with the kids and me. There are so many hilarious stories about the kids that it would be a shame to not share them! I think every parent, at some point, has said that they should write a book about the silly and crazy things their kids say or do. Well, my blog is my way of "writing that book" about my kids! I hope you all enjoy keeping in touch with us and I'll be posting a "Christmas letter" closer to the big day. Although my blog has detailed many of the exciting events and changes over the past year, a year-end recap will be nice for all our new readers and followers!

A Natural!

2011-12-07T12:20:00.001-05:00

Last night was Anderson's Holiday Program...and it was all that a kids' Christmas program could hope to be! He was adorable and did a fabulous job on stage! He's a natural!

At home before the program

Cody Coyote!

2011-12-06T13:16:00.001-05:00

Finally, after nearly a month of being sent home with less-than-perfect behavior charts, my little Lilly had a great day at school yesterday and was awarded for it with Cody Coyote! Apparently, the "good kids" (as Lilly has termed it) get to spend time with Cody Coyote during the day (according to Lilly, it's a small stuffed animal that stays in the classroom until the end of each week when it is then sent home with a child with the best behavior, for the weekend). I know Lilly isn't a bad girl, she just struggles with listening and following directions, and is easily influenced. We're working on this, and I know yesterday is the start to better days for Lills! GOOO LILLY!!!

He's lucky he can't write!

2011-12-05T08:44:00.001-05:00

My children have had trouble lately remembering that crayons and pens are for coloring on paper and not on household items. I was always one of those parents who said "my kids would NE-VER write on walls or furniture." (Of course I was also that parent who said my kids would NEVER cut each other's hair, but that happened a couple years ago too.) Well, imagine my surprise when I walked in and saw the word "happy" engraved into a piece of furniture.

Immediately I questioned Lilly about it and of course she blamed her three year old brother. Anderson's response: "It wasn't ME, I can't even write letters!" (I giggled to myself!) Kid has a point!!!

**Lilly was punished appropriately (calling her uncle (who had given the table to us) to apologize, cleaning the baseboards in the entire downstairs on her hands and knees, and an early bedtime) and that was the end of the conversation. The word remains uncovered on the table, which sits at the bottom of our strairs, and serves as a constant reminder everyday to be "happy." (Thanks Lills!)

What's In a Name?

2011-12-02T06:30:00.000-05:00

I always get so excited when the list of the 100 most popular baby names comes out each year! It takes me back to the time when I was choosing names for my own kids, and praying that my favorite choices weren't near the top of the list of popular names. I had a rule when I was picking names, that it couldn't be anything with a strange spelling, it couldn't be a name that any of my friends' kids already had, it couldn't be shortened and it couldn't be in the list of most popular baby names for that year. Well, I clearly broke that rule for Lilly, as she was #14 in 2006 (even though the spelling was different). And I sometimes catch myself calling Anderson Andy. Although I'm proud to say that Anderson's name is still not on the list, four years later!
I remember writing out different names that we liked...Ella, Lilly, Harper (yes Katie, I know you still laugh at that one!), Brody, Oliver (Mom's favorite), Reid, and Anderson. With Lilly, I would practicee writing different names, until finally I got butterflies when I wrote Lilly Jane. Lilly is a family name (Lillian, actually) on my Mom's side, and Jane pays tribute to my dad's mom, and of course my mom. Anderson's name took us a little longer to decide upon (and to this day, there are people who openly dislike his name, RUDE!). Mom wanted us to name him Oliver, but it reminded me of a dog. Aaron liked Brody Aaron, but I was afraid Brody was too trendy because of Brody Jenner (hello hotness!). I openly have a weird infatuation with Anderson Cooper, and I use to say that if I ever had a boy, I'd name him after Andy Coop.

I'm pretty sure I had the final say in naming both of my kids. I know Aaron really liked Ella better for Lilly, and I'm sure he would have rather had Anderson's middle name be tied more closely to him, but...! I ended up giving in and letting Aaron name Anderson's middle name Lee, after both Aaron and Aaron's dad who passed away twelve years before Anderson was born.

I wonder now, what's in a name? I picture Lilly to be a carefree-fun-loving girl. I imagine some creative career for her...something without much structure or boundaries or limitations. I see Anderson as a strong, conservative, businessman with a rigid schedule and overwhelmingly high standards and expectations. I guess we'll see, huh?!

We're getting closer!!!!

2011-12-01T15:55:00.001-05:00

It's finally December! Only 24 more days until Christmas! Last weekend we put up our tree and a few decorations around the house! And just yesterday we put our first presents under the tree. With JM back in town, I had been hiding his gifts in Lilly's closet! Finally Lilly and I just decided to wrap them and put them under the tree to be totally sure JM wouldn't see them! (Lilly was verrrry worried that he might!) I CANNOT WAIT to spend this Christmas with my kids and the love of my life. It's going to be the happiest Christmas EVER!

"You can call me Mom"

2011-11-30T09:20:00.001-05:00

I was laying in bed this morning, listening to my son scream "moooooommmmm" from his bed. He apparently was awake, but too ~~lazy~~ sleepy to walk into my room across the hall! I heard Lilly dart in to save him, pretending to be his Mommy. It went like this:

Lilly: Oh bubby, what's wrong hunny?
Anderson: I want brekafus. (breakfast)
Lilly: Hunny, it's not time for breakfast. It's still night time. (because it's still dark, der!)
Anderson: Okay mommy.
Lilly: You can call me mom.
Anderson: Okay mom.
Me: HEY! I'm the mom! You can call ME mom!
Both kids laugh hysterically, and proceed to call each other mom for the next ten minutes.

I remember when I was younger (hehe!) I used to diiiiiiie at the idea of being called "mom"! I never pictured myself with a kid on my hip, let alone TWO! Now I wanna flick my kids if they call EACH OTHER mom! That's MY name!!!!!!!

Lilly, Mama, and Anderson @ Thanksgiving in Chicago!

It's HEEEEEEEERE!

2011-11-29T13:41:00.001-05:00

Winter is here. Boo. It has been raining for two days straight now. My road is flooded (literally). And now the rain is turning to sleet, which is said to turn to snow later tonight. We are projected to get up to five inches through the night and early tomorrow morning. I'm HOPING that this is just Fort Wayne's meteorologists at their finest and we'll wake up tomorrow to birds chirping and the sun shining! Prayers please?

Pic

Weekend of Thanks!

2011-11-28T13:10:00.001-05:00

Well, the first of the holiday season is over! Thursday, as I already mentioned, was spent in Wabash at my aunt's house. Friday, it was just me and my boys (JM and Andy). Anderson and I hung out and watched a movie, while JM hung Christmas lights on the house! Then, the three of us went to dinner. It was SO nice to just spend time with the boys, although we all missed Lilly dearly!

Saturday morning we got up early and headed to my brother's house in Chicago. It was a fun little roadtrip! Lilly and Anderson were so excited to be reunited (it had been one whole day, afterall!). It was a fun day, spent with the perfect family! I always love our visits!

Yesterday the kids, JM, and I got home in the early afternoon, only to relax for the rest of the day! We put up our Christmas tree and other Christmas decorations, ordered pizzas (of course!), and just spent the day together. It was the perfect ending to a perfect Thanksgiving weekend!

I Cherish The Time

2011-11-25T07:16:00.001-05:00

After the Thanksgiving festivities yesterday, my mom decided to keep Lilly until we all met up again in Chicago for Thanksgiving part deux, on Saturday. Of course I jumped on the chance to be down one kid (hey, everyone needs a break sometimes!), and so Anderson and I were on our way back home, without Lilly. Anderson was missing his sissy before we even got out of Wabash, but I assured him we would do something fun that night. Well, after his coughing progressed to "ew" status, we ended up stopping at Walgreens for some cough medicine and then making our way home to get on warm jammies.
After dinner, Anderson and I cozied up on the couch and watched a movie. I couldn't tell you the last time Anderson sat (still) with me for more than a few minutes. I mean, he is almost FOUR, afterall! But he actually sat on my lap, cuddled up with a blanket, and watched an hour of the movie, before he asked to go to bed (told ya he wasn't feeling well!).
I truly cherish the alone time with each of my kids. It's rare, but when it happens, I just eat it up. They are both SO different. Where Anderson is content sitting at home with a movie and leftovers, Lilly would rather be out and about (pedicure and dinner, for example!). They are such beautiful little blessings, I wouldn't change a thing about either of them.
Thanks mom, for giving me the chance to do this. I love you so much and I know Lilly loves the time with her Nana too!

Happy Thanksgiving

2011-11-24T06:49:00.001-05:00

At the risk of being predictable, I thought it'd be nice to take today and write about what I'm thankful for...

My perfect-to-me babies. I wouldn't be where I am today without them. They are my world and I will spend my whole life loving them unconditionally and making sure they are taken care of.
My family. Without their support, I'd be lost. They have been my rock, my soft place to land, my sounding board, and my sanity. I have the best family in the world!
My job. I have met the most amazing people through my job. I love what I do, and I love the people I work with. My job was the first step to becoming the independent person I am today.
My friends. I have learned over the years who to trust, who I can count on, and who to listen to. I have weeded out the toxic relationships in my life, and those who remain are TRUE friends. I am forever grateful to those trustworthy, honest friendships in my life.
My boyfriend. He is the most incredibly patient, understanding, forgiving,nurturing, loving man I've ever met. His optimism is inspiring, his good mood contagious. I love loving him.

It has been an awesome year and I'm so excited to kick off the holiday season today with family!

SURPRISE!

2011-11-23T10:56:00.001-05:00

I hate surprises. Plain and simple. I love gifts, der, but I HATE to be surprised! This causes a little trouble at Christmas time. All I want to do is tell everyone what I bought them BEFORE Christmas! I am like a child. I cannot keep secrets about gifts! It's torturing me to wait until Christmas to find out what other people are getting! It's not even that I want to know what I got (although I'm very excited for that too, of course!)! I just get so anxious! I've been begging JM to let us do our Christmas this weekend, but he's not going for it (Scrooge), so if I spill the beans and tell him what I got him, sometime within the next month, it's not my fault!

The Face God Gave Me is Flawed!

2011-11-22T13:23:00.001-05:00

I don't care what people say, there's nothing wrong with getting a little work done! In a ~~news-worthy~~ story earlier this week, it was reported that Kate Gosseling may or may not have had a little work done. And? I say anyone who had eight children is MORE than entitled to get a tummy tuck, boob job, and whatever else she wants!
Earlier this year I went under the knife (shocked?!). For me, it was more a self-esteem issue rather than wanting to look better for other people. As a single gal, not even thirty years old, and a mother of two, I really just wanted to "reward" myself. It's something that I always wanted, especially after having my kids. Things change after having a baby-- NO MATTER how hard you work at keeping your body up to par (which I attempted to do)!!! It's inevitable! I don't regret anything that I did to my body, and after the improvement, I'd even like to have more work done (to be continued....).

My Little Performer

2011-11-21T14:03:00.001-05:00

Last week I got a letter from Anderson's school letting me know that they would be having a ~~Christmas~~ Holiday Program at the beginning of December. I am so excited to see my little man perform. I've been hearing him sing Christmas songs around the house lately, but whenever I ask him if it's the song he's singing at his holiday program, he says no! Hmmm? The other night at dinner, I FINALLY got little man to open up and show us what he'll be performing. I got tears in my eyes as I heard his little voice belt out the words to "Up on the Rooftop" WITH MOTIONS! It just made me realize how much my baby boy is growing up. He'll be FOUR in no time! He is going to be quite the performer, if I may say so! He had no problem remembering the lyrics or the motions to go with it. It was adorable! Hope you enjoy it as much as I do!

And please excuse his silly outfit! It was Friday night and we were veggin'!

Insecurities of Parenthood

2011-11-20T18:33:00.001-05:00

When Aaron and I split up, I always told myself that I was swearing off relationships. It wasn't necessarily that I didn't want to TRY a relationship again, but rather I told myself that no one would ever be good enough for my kids-- that no one could ever love my kids enough to be "worthy" of my love. Sure it was probably arrogant thinking, but I just knew that being alone with my kids would be better than being with someone who couldn't love them like Aaron or I could. Then the fear became what if, on the off chance I did meet someone who I felt was good enough for my kids, my kids didn't like him? Or what if, by some cosmic chance, the stars aligned and I found "the one" and he loved my kids and they equally adored him?

My fear is, what if someday my "one" realizes that he got in over his head? What if he thinks my kids are insane? I worry that the normal day-to-day tantrums will be too much. Does he think my kids are misbehaved? Does he think these "normal" five year old 'tudes are horrible? Does he think I'm a bad parent? Will his family think my kids are terrible when they meet them?

I've always given myself a fair amount of credit for being a single mom. I like to think we've got it pretty much together at home. I like to think that my discipline is working (or at least a work in progress), and that my kids respect me. I like to think that my kids know how to treat other people, and that they use their manners even when I'm not around. Sure, we're a normal family. We have meltdowns (all three of us!). We make bad decisions. We say things we don't mean. We're human. But what if, to an outsider, that's too much?

The worst feeling in the world is to feel like you've failed as a parent...to think that someone sees your parenting as flawed. It's a horrible feeling to think that someone sees your children as something less than what you know they're capable of. It's a terrible feeling to think that someone you love doesn't love your children as much as you do. Loving someone, other than the father of my children, is scary. Is it even possible for someone, who didn't ask for these children, to love them like a biological parent does? I guess this is just one, of many, insecurities of single parenthood.

Blessings!

2011-11-20T11:26:00.001-05:00

Heather, from H.Renee Photography, has outdone herself. I absolutely love this picture of my children.

Why can't I...

2011-11-19T07:00:00.000-05:00

So I've had my house for over a year and there are still TONS of things I want to do to it. One of the biggest things I want to do is replace the flooring in the kitchen, downstairs bathroom, and entry way. Of course, that's a $1800 project, so I don't see it in my very near future, but...part of the reason I want to change the kitchen is because it feels empty. We had friends over last weekend and Dan asked if we had JUST moved in because the house looked empty! LOL! (In my defense, he only walked from the front door, through the kitchen, and into the garage!) So right now I have a small two-seater table in the kitchen. We never use that table because we usually sit in the dining room, but it's still nice to have the extra seating. I'm really hoping to do something like this:

I've been asking JM to whip something together, but I don't see it happening in the near future either. Until then...I'll just keep hoping! I just wish I could make my house feel "complete". I really love my living room, my master bedroom (which I've still never posted pictures of), and both of my kids' rooms. Those are the rooms where we spend most of our time, of course...but it'd be nice to have the rest of the house finished. I know it's all a work in progress, and I've only been in the house a year, but....I'm a VERY impatient person! I want it done NOW!!!!!!

We're just THAT close!

2011-11-18T06:30:00.000-05:00

I think JM got his first taste of just how close the Hahn bunch really is. Remember I've not been feeling well, so by 8pm I was ready for bed. I was asleep on the couch when JM got home around 8:15pm. He had brought home a couple little gifts for me, so I woke up long enough to accept them of course, but then fell right back to sleep. As JM was tucking me into bed (isn't he perfect?!), he pointed out that I had missed a call from mom earlier in the evening. I told him I was too tired to call her back and that I'd just talk to her in the morning. And then I was OUT.

Around 5:20 this morning I woke up to my darling son belting out the lyrics to Christina Perry's "Jar of Hearts" from his bedroom. JM and I laid in bed laughing hysterically for a minute before I fell asleep again!

Later, JM told me that my brother had called last night on the house phone after I was in bed. Apparently, Mom had called out the SWAT team since I failed to answer my phone and texts. JM explained to my brother that I hadn't been feeling well and that I had been asleep for over an hour at this point. My brother promised to call off ~~Jane~~ the troops and let ~~her~~ them know that I was safe!

I love my mom for being so concerned! That's just how we are....if one of us can't get ahold of each other, we call the other person to see if he/she has talked to them. We never "ignore" each other's calls or texts, so when we don't hear back from someone, we panic! I love my family and I'm so glad that we're as close as we are!

You Can't Rush Perfection

2011-11-17T06:30:00.000-05:00

Patiently waiting on me...

So I write a lot ~~maybe too much~~ about how amazing JM is, and how lucky I am to have met him. And I started to touch on this a couple days ago, but I never went completely into the story...I know I know, get to it already huh? Well, last weekend when we were kidless, JM and I both felt pretty miserable (not because we were kidless, but because we had terrible colds). I woke up Friday morning with a head full of..well ya know. And things just kept getting progressively worse as the weekend went on. Saturday I mustered up as much energy as I could to watch the Michigan game with my perfect boyfriend, but I kept getting up from the bar every five minutes to go blow my nose (pretty, I know). By the end of Saturday, I was D-U-N done! As soon as we got home from dinner that night, I was ready for bed. JM drugged me with cold meds and I was fast asleep by 9:30. Sunday morning proved to be just as torturous. I woke up at 8am, watched a few episodes of Friends, and then tuned into LMN until 2pm. During the four-hour movie on lmn, I whined to JM about my nose, my cough, my sore throat, and my hunger pains. He was soooo loving the whole time...running to get groceries, more cold meds, lunch, etc...all the while putting up with my pathetic moaning and groaning about my "terrrrrrrible cold" (which he also had!).

We've all heard and loathed the old saying that good things come to those who wait. Well, as cliche as it is, it's true. I never in my life thought I'd find someone as amazingly perfect as JM, but I met "the one" and I thank my lucky stars for him everyday!

I just love 'em!

2011-11-16T09:15:00.002-05:00

I have the BEST work family EVER! We have become like sisters...we tell each other everything (way too much, at times!), we get mad at each other and then we're over it ten minutes later, and we just have a great time together. This is by far the best group of girls I've ever worked with! I'm so lucky to have met each and every one of them!

Whoopsy Daisy!

2011-11-14T10:06:00.004-05:00

Although I'm not officially participating in Nablopomo 2011, I was hoping to blog everyday. Well, clearly I've failed at that more than once this month! Oh well! Tis life, right?! So I had a pretty fab-u-lous weekend!

Friday I took the day off to go Christmas shopping with Mom. Last year we decided to take a day off so to do our shopping so we didn't have to worry about doing it at a time when the kids were either with Aaron (ha!) or with a sitter (bigger ha!). So, we got up EAAARLY Friday morning (in fact, I got a text from my mom at 6:15am asking when we were leaving...ummm, AFTER 8am preferably!). We dropped the babies off at school, and headed to Kohls (mom had a 30% off, der!)! We then ventured to Old Navy and Target. Target was a HUGE success for me for the kids' gifts! I was SO excited! Then we had lunch at my FAVORITE place, Cebollas (YUM!), where we rechecked our shopping lists and came up with a plan for the remaining hours of our shopping trip! After a trip to the mall and Toys R Us, our day was coming to an end. Aaron would be at my house soon to get the kids for the weekend, and I still had tons of stuff to do before I picked them up from school.

Aaron decided about three weeks ago that he would come here for a weekend to spend time with the kids. Although he says it's a hassle for him (I don't doubt that it is, but that's not really my problem), he followed through on his plans and he and his brother arrived in Fort Wayne around 4:30 Friday afternoon. The three of us went to get the kids at school and then took Anderson to get a quick haircut before the four of them headed off for a weekend of fun! I went back home to relax (with a glass of wine) and wait on my darling boyfriend!
JM and I spent Friday night on the couch, catching up on DVR'ed shows, and just relaxing without kids. It. Was. So. Nice.

Saturday morning we slept in, relaxed on the couch for a few hours, and then headed out for lunch. We tried a place neither of us had been before! We went to Target for an impromptu shopping trip, got a few things for the house, and then drove around aimlessly until our afternoon plans of watching the Michigan at one of our favorite hangouts. After the game (Go blue!) we stopped for dinner at a little locally-owned pizza place, close to home. By this time it was close to 9pm and I was ready for bed! I'm pretty sure I was asleep by 9:30 that night! Eh, I needed it!

Sunday I spent the morning (okay, and part of the early afternoon) cuddled up on the couch watching a Lifetime Movie (seriously) and whining about my terrible cold (which I'm SURE JM gave me!). JM did a few things around the house before the kids got home. Around 4:30, the kids came home!!! I was SOOO happy to have them home. As much as I LOVE the alone time with JM, I just need to have the kids home in order to feel "normal" again. JM and Aaron met for the first time. It went really well (not that I was too worried...how could anyone NOT love JM!?). I got a text from Aaron a couple hours later saying that he was really glad that he got to meet JM and that he really seemed like a nice guy.

It was a VERY enjoyable, relaxing weekend, but I'm glad to be back to the normal routine of life this morning. Happy Monday!

She's My Girl!

2011-11-10T14:17:00.001-05:00

Lilly has been AH-MAAAAAY-ZING lately! She has been SO helpful, SO pleasant, and SUCH a delight to be around, which isn't always the case with a five year old! I don't know if something has changed in her little growing mind, or if this is just the start to a better behaved, more settled little lady. Either way, I'll take it! I'm so proud of her and just love her to pieces! She's so adorable and such a blessing to my life. I cannot imagine life without my little Lills.

*even if she does have her daddy's eyes!

"Breakfast with us?"

2011-11-09T12:02:00.002-05:00

JM is AMAZING for so many reasons, but one of my favorite things about him is that he takes the time to have breakfast with my kids in the morning before he leaves for work. I've mentioned before that he has a two hour drive to whichever campus he's working at for the day, so he usually leaves the house around 6:30am, but some days he squeezes in a few extra minutes to have breakfast with the babies. They are always SO excited to be hanging out with him before he leaves for the day, and I'm excited to be able to shower and get ready without trying to break up early morning sibling feuds!

This morning I stood on the stairs listening to the three of them chat over their bowls of Captain Crunch...It just made me feel extremely blessed to have such an incredible person in my life who my kids love. It truly is the little things in life that mean the most.

Andersonisms

2011-11-08T08:17:00.003-05:00

Anderson has been quite the fountain of information lately. Let me just fill you in on a few Andersonisms that we've heard over the past few weeks.

Q: Do you know why there are stars in the sky?
A: Because it's dark.

Q: Do you know why your tongue is wet?
A: Because it's in your mouth for so long.

Q: Do you know how God makes the sky?
A: With a sky machine with sky buttons.

There are more, but these are just the few I can think of off the top of my head. He reminds me of the little boy from Jerry McGuire. So full of VERY important information, that boy!

Boobs and Poopy

2011-11-07T08:41:00.002-05:00

This weekend my kids thought it would be hilarious to add a couple words to their once-innocent vocabulary. Boobs and poopy. First off, let me say, I never really baby talked to my kids. Aaron and I found it repulsive to hear such ridiculousness come from new parents' mouths. All that cutesy baby talk makes me wanna vomit. It's unnecessary and to be quite honest, I feel that by talking to our children as humans, rather than adorable zoo animals, we have actually improved their vocabulary and their comprehension...until now. So we never baby talked to our kids, but perhaps sometimes we should have been more selective with what we talked about and showed them. We never shut the bathroom door at our house-- ever. It's not unusual to be having a conversation with someone who's showering, while the other person is sitting on the toilet. I mean, we all lead a busy life-- we squeeze in conversations whenever possible, right? And since it's usually just me and the kids at home, we all get ready in my bedroom in the mornings. Well, looks like that may have to change soon.
Saturday morning I was getting dressed. I had clothes on, but just jeans and a tank, not a shirt yet, as I was still finishing my normal morning routine. Anderson comes in my bathroom and says "I see your boobs!" and then runs away, laughing hysterically. Two minutes later, Lilly comes in and does the same thing. I was annoyed! I can't have my children talking about my boobs! Later that day, it was the same thing, but with the word poopy instead of boobs. Again, not something I want my kids running around talking about. Oy!
Here's to hoping they don't use those words at school today.

Oh to be a fly on the wall...

2011-11-05T08:00:00.001-05:00

I'm just now getting around to writing this, but I have to share the conversation the kids and I had first thing Tuesday morning. It went something like this:

Lilly: Mom! It's November today!
Me: Yep!
Lilly: What happens in November? Referring to what holidays are in November.
Me: Just Thanksgiving.
Lilly (screaming): NO! I HATE TURKEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Me: Well, sometimes we have ham at Thanksgiving too. You like ham!
Lilly: Uncle Adam said he's not having ham at his house.
Me: Well, should we just cancel Thanksgiving then?
Lilly (still on the verge of tears): Yes!
Me (in my ~~practiced~~ announcer voice): I HEREBY DECLARE, THANKSGIVING OF 2011 IS OFFICIALLY CANCELED!
Enter Anderson, just waking up, hair all amuck, eyes barely open.
Anderson (crying): Buuuuut IIIIIIII LOOOOOVE Thanksgivinnnnnnnggggggg. (Imagine the worst whining sound ever.)
Me: Anderson! I was just kidding! I can't really cancel Thanksgiving.
Lilly (now in hysterics): But I hate turkey!
HAPPY NOVEMBER YA'LL!

Shamu + Hahn/Scudders= True Love

2011-11-04T07:30:00.000-05:00

Last weekend, the kids and I took a mini-vacay! It was exactly what we all needed! I'll let the pictures tell all...!

Thank you Uncle G for taking us swimming!

First night: Dinner with my favorite uncles!!

Waiting for Shamu!

*I cannot believe Lilly actually went on this ride and L-O-V-E-D it!!!! Look how happy they are!!! Thanks G!*

First Attempt

2011-11-03T12:36:00.000-05:00

Here's my first attempt at a Gluten free product! I have been reading a lot about the gluten free lifestyle, not because it's trendy, but because I really think JM has a gluten allergy. Although he completely disagrees (mostly because he's done zero research on it), I am convinced that taking steps toward becoming a gluten-free household is a good decision for all of us. A basic description: Gluten is a protein that lives in wheat and rye, and for people who have gluten allergies, it can cause difficulty digesting gluten, thus the need for a gluten-free diet. Regardless, going gluten-free can only be an improvement to our diets. I've been looking at GF products, and although they're still a bit pricey, in the long run, I feel it'd be beneficial to us. Today I tried a GF dressing on my salad (everything in my salad is already GF). The dressing was super strong, but had I used even a forth of what I used, it would have been perfect.

O-V-E-R IT!

2011-11-02T07:29:00.002-05:00

This precious little golf game WILL be the demise of my almost perfect relationship.

Hallowoo-hoo!

2011-11-01T08:19:00.000-05:00

I dislike Halloween SO much that I would do just about anything to avoid the whole thing altogether. As much fun as it seeing my little punkins all dressed up and eager to candy-hunt in the neighborhood, I could literally forget the whole day completely and not feel an ounce of remorse. The holiday is satanic, dark, scary, and well, just plain dumb. Even my kids weren't that into it. We hadn't even made it across the street before the complaining started. "It's so cold." "My feet hurt." "My hair is falling off!" Thirty minutes and a half block later, we found our way back to our house where we handed out candy to the happy trick-or-treaters for the rest of the night!

Lilly, my future little _____.

2011-10-26T12:31:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was my first parent-teacher conference with Lilly's teacher. I was a little nervous because poor Lills had had some behavior issues during the first nine weeks, and I was worried the teacher would call me out on my poor parenting. I imagined it much like a firing range-- that the teacher, principal, and a guidance counselor would put me in front of the black board and just point fingers at my lack of follow-through, my poor song-selection in the car (seriously, Ke$ha? Britney?), my awful food habits at my family's dining table, etc. You get my point. Truth is, the classroom didn't even have a black board, the principal and the guidance counselor were no where in sight (LOL!), and Lilly's teacher and I found that we actually have a lot of the same parenting guidelines. Shew!

Lilly tested above average in both reading and writing. She scored a little below the national average for math. When I was telling JM about the "results" of her beginning-of-the-year testing, he simply replied "eh, so she won't be an accountant, big deal!" Which got us laughing and wondering if our parents said the same thing after our first parent-teacher conferences! Does what we learn about our child's educational abilities really set the tone for the rest of their life? Did I really want to be a teacher when I was growing up? Or did my mom just think I was comfortable with and good at bossing people around (which I did a lot of!)? Regardless, we have high hopes for our little lady! I'm sure she'll make a great career path...in twenty years from now!

My little Hopper!

2011-10-25T08:22:00.000-05:00

I'm one proud mama! Yesterday I got a letter from Anderson's teachers saying he had been selected as Hopper of the Month for his class! In November, Anderson will have a bulletin board in his classroom that's ALL about him! He gets to pick out some pictures to take in and share with his friends, he has to write about his favorite food, movie, color, and toy. Needless to say, I'm very proud of my little man and am excited for him! About a month ago, Anderson was home sick from school. He was just vegging on the couch, watching a movie, while I used my afternoon at home cleaning and catching up on laundry. I kept shouting out "I love you!" and he'd reply "love" in his adorable little sickly voice! Since then, everytime I say "I love you" from a different room, I hear "love" from my little boy! We'll do it six or seven times! "I love you!" "Love!" "I love you!" "Love!" I love you!" "Love!" And then finally he gets annoyed with it and says "I said LOVE!" LOL! I've written before about how funny and entertaining Andy is. The other night JM got home late from work. The kids had been in bed for well over an hour. JM came back downstairs and asked if I knew what my little boy was wearing to bed. "Ummm, yeah I put him to bed in his jammies, der!" "Ummm, you might want to go take a look at him!" There was my boy, sleeping soundly....in a pillowcase. He was using the pillowcase as a sleeping bag. He is just so random! He's such a good little man! He's always happy, always smiling, and always ready to help Mama, with just about anything! He puts up with A LOT from his always-moody big sister, and is a trooper about being the "man of the house"!!!! He's such a delight and I am so lucky to have such great, amazing, gorgeous little babies!

Ziggy's Privates!?

2011-10-21T10:52:00.000-05:00

So I mentioned that I volunteered in Lilly's classroom yesterday. It was quite entertaining and it was nice to be able to put a face to the friends that Lilly always talks about. I have to admit though, that it made me want to dictate who Lilly hangs out with at school. Wow, I just admitted that, huh? I'm sorry, but when I see her little friend "A" act out in class, it helps me see why Lilly sometimes acts ~~silly~~ crazy too. *I'm in no way blaming friend A for the actions Lilly takes. Lilly is aware (now) that she is responsible for her actions, no matter how her friends are acting.* I know it's wrong for me to ~~encourage~~ strongly encourage her to spend her time with certain friends (friend H and friend R please!), but I just can't help it. Sometimes our little tots need that little push to make better decisions in the friend department, right? It's never too early to start, right? So this morning when Lilly and I were talking about her classmates, she told me about her friend C who talks about privates all the time. SHOCKED, I asked her WHAT she was talking about. She said that friend C was talking about his dog Ziggy's private parts and that Mrs.Summers said "Now *friend C* is that appropriate conversation for the classroom? I know that people potty and animals potty, but we do not need to talk about it." Wowza. It's CRRRRRAZY the things my little five year old is already exposed to. I know that this is all bound to happen eventually, but REALLY? In kindergarten? My daughter knows how to spell "kissing" because of the lovely "sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g" song. Ugh. Already? LOL!Oh, it's always something. Thanks Lilly for the entertainment, but could you PLEASE slow down please? You're FIVE!

For My Children

2011-10-21T08:36:00.003-05:00

There's no easy or pretty way to say what I'm thinking. There's no simple way to explain the thoughts that are flooding my mind. And although you may not understand why I'm writing this, there is a purpose in writing it.
Recently I starting following a complete stranger's blog. One of my other blogger friends follows her and I got hooked on her "story" and starting following her too. You can read Amy's story here. Anyway, at the risk of sounding like a complete blog-stalker, I started reading some of the blogs that this girl follows, and came across this one. OH. MY. GOSH. I sat at my computer for over an hour yesterday just engrossed in Jessica's blog. For those who aren't interested in reading it, or don't become completely obsessed with her story like I did, let me explain her story. Jessica and her husband had a beautiful little girl, Elizabeth. Elizabeth passed away from cancer at the age of five. Jessica writes about the many different emotions that she goes through after the death of her daughter. As a mother of a five year old daughter, it made me literally sick to think of losing her, and of having to ever experience the things that these parents experienced (or are experiencing). Yes, I know many of you are probably thinking that it's incredibly morbid for me to even be thinking these things, but after reading her blog, I couldn't help but go "there".
I realized that I have used my blog as a way to talk about myself and not so much about my kids. I want this blog be a journal of my thoughts for the kids to eventually go back and read one day and see the silly things that they were doing, the things they said,the things we went through as a family. Sure, I love writing about my love story, and I want the kids to be able to look back and see how this relationship started and played out in the beginning (and hopefully they'll witness it throughout their life because JM and I will still be together!). But, even more so, if anything ever happened to me or to one of them, I want to be able to have this blog as a catalog of our lives. I want these memories to last a lifetime, no matter how long or short that may be.
Again, not to take it to the "dark side" but I have to be realistic that life on earth is a gift, and that it can end at anytime. As much as the kids drive me bonkers at times, I never want to live life without them. I cannot imagine not seeing their face every single day or not hearing their precious voices every single day. I can't imagine seeing piles of toys go unused or closets of clothes go unworn.
As cliche as it is, it's true that life is too short. My mom once sent me a quote that said "Enjoy the little things in life for one day they will become the big things." This is so true and I pray that I can live everyday with this in mind.

Kindergarten Helper

2011-10-20T13:27:00.001-05:00

This morning I had the opportunity to volunteer in Lilly's classroom. Although at first I was dreading the thought of spending an hour with 20 five year olds, it ended up being an awesome experience. I got to the classroom before Lilly and her friends arrived from the bus. I made a few copies for her teacher and by the time I got back to the room, there was my precious baby, sitting perfectly at her desk, working on her morning exercises. (I have no doubt my daughter is always this perfect and that it had nothing to do with me being there! RRRIGHT!) She blushed when she saw me and ran to give me a giant hug! She was so excited to "show me off" to all her little friends! It was precious! What was supposed to be an hour long volunteer stunt, turned into two hours with the little tots. It was so much fun and I really do plan to do it again ~~soon~~ next month!

Heeeeey girrrrrrrl!

2011-10-18T09:45:00.004-05:00

My daughter has been quite the entertainer in our house as of lately. Yesterday she informed us about the drama in her kindergarten class. "Evan brought a real phone to school today and called the cops on NaRiah. But the cops didn't show up. Mrs.Summers called Evan's mom and he's going to be in so much trouble." Wow.
(I've never used the word "cop" around my children. She said she learned it from NaRiah. I promise.)

Halloween costume shopping for the kids is expenssssssive. Anderson wanted to be an airplane. Target had the cutest airplane costume, but of course neither of the stores close to us had his size. He settled for a garden gnome! HILARIOUS. I'd upload the picture of him, but I have to save it for Halloween! (Stay tuned!) Lilly has been begging to be Rapunzel. She saw the wig and dress at Target a few weeks ago, and I didn't buy it then...BIG MISTAKE. Every Target from here to Granger is sold out. I now have Aaron looking in MN. We found the costume and wig at Toys R Us, but the wig is $24.99 and the dress is on sale for $19.99. I cannot justify spending $45 on a Halloween costume.

So, I recently "discovered" that I've gained over ten pounds since meeting JM. EEEEK. Thank God he's so understanding and loves me regardless of my added cushion. My motivation has officially headed in a new direction, starting right now. Ten pounds? Seriously? UUUUGH!

The kids and I head to FL in a little over a week! I am SO insanely ready to get away with my little boogers! The kids are SOOOO excited to go to Sea World! (I may be even more excited than they are about it!)It's going to be the perfect little weekend getaway for us. They're looking forward to flying and staying in a hotel. (I'm not.) But it is pretty cute seeing my little travelers in the airport!

I've been trying to sell my treadmill, a twin bed, and my kitchen table on Craigslist. Although I've had quite a few interested people, none of them have panned out. I want to get rid of these items IMMEDIATELY so that JM can have the other side of the garage. It's getting colder at night and I hate that he has to climb into a freeezing cold car in the morning. If anyone knows of anyone in my area who might be interested in any of these things, PLEASE let me know!

I've been "encouraged" to apply for yet another position at work. After the previous experience and disappointment (remember?), I'm not sure I have it in me to go through it again. JM is the only person I've discussed this with, and I am really thinking it through carefully before making any moves. After going through the last interview process, I took quite the beating. I'm just not sure I want to do it again, especially if the outcome is the same. As much as I want to take chances and "move up" in the company, I'm just not sure if right now is the best timing for it all. I need to really decide if this would be best for my family. I'm praying about it and would appreciate prayers from ya'll too. This grown-up stuff is hard!!!

Stress

2011-10-14T11:24:00.003-05:00

I got this email from a friend today. I don't typically pass along forwards, but this one seems fitting! Enjoy!
A young lady confidently walked around the room while reading and explaining stress management to an audience; with a raised glass of water, and everyone knew she was going to ask the ultimate question, 'half empty or half full?'... She fooled them all..., "How heavy is this glass of water?", she inquired with a smile. Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, "The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, that's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my right arm. If I hold it for a day, you'll have to call an ambulance. In each case it's the same weight, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes." She continued, "and that's the way it is with stress. If we carry our burdens all the time, sooner or later, as the burden becomes increasingly heavy, we won't be able to carry on. As with the glass of water, you have to put it down for a while and rest before holding it again. When we're refreshed, we can carry on with the burden… holding stress longer and better each time practiced. So, as early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don't carry them through the evening and into the night... pick them up tomorrow. Whatever burdens you're carrying now, let them down for a moment. Relax, pick them up later, after you've rested. Life is short. Enjoy it and the now 'supposed' stress that you've conquered!”

REMEMBER, STRESS IS SOMETHING THAT WE DO TO OURSELVES!

1 - Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!

2 - Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

3 - Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.

4 - Drive carefully... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker..

5 - If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague

6 - If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..

7 - It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

8 - Never buy a car you can't push.

9 - Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.

10 - Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.

11 - Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

12 - The second mouse gets the cheese.

13 - When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

14 - Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.

15 - You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

16 - Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.

17 - We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.

18 - A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Plans for Me

2011-10-14T09:57:00.000-05:00

I haven't shared the latest news, mainly because I was a little scared, but also because I was a ~~little~~ really embarrassed. A couple weeks ago, I applied for what could have been a huge opportunity for me at work. Although I was reluctant to even apply for the assistant director position, I knew that I had to at least TRY or I'd regret it. My boss said that my name had been thrown into the pot by our regional VP and that I should go for it. I submitted my resume to the RVP, EVP, my campus director, and the hiring manager. A day later, I was given an online profiling assessment to complete...all leading me to think I was in the running. I got emails back from the RVP and EVP saying that they were glad I had shown interest and that they would be in touch for interviews.
Flash forward to Wednesday afternoon...I met with my campus director and our RVP. After about an hour conversation, it was clear that I was not right for the position, for many reasons. It would be too difficult to balance as a single parent. How would staff/faculty respond to me as their "leader"? Was I aware of the workload that was involved with this position? I need more experience in other departments of my campus before branching to assistant director. The list continues... I left the meeting feeling extremely defeated. Was the fact that I'm a single mom really going to prevent me from new opportunities? I mean, how would I be able to manage it all? Who would watch my kids if I couldn't get away from work? Was I really prepared to spend even less time with my kids? And then there was the issue of leadership...am I a leader? Could I rally the team and produce results? Am I strong enough to handle harsh criticism? There are so many factors that I hadn't fully considered when I applied for the job. Regardless, I felt like a failure. I felt like I was "stuck" in the position I hold now. I felt like I was letting my kids down, because the new position was a significant pay increase, and would have really made things easier on me, financially.

I talked to my dad later that night and he texted me a verse to read. He said "Jeremiah 29:11. Read this daily and get out of the way of yourself." It was perfect! It was exactly what I needed to read at that moment. "For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." As much as I THOUGHT I wanted/needed that new position, I know that it's not right for me (or my family) at this point. I NEED to be home with my kids. I NEED to learn more about my job and wait for the right moment to move on. I LOVE my job. I LOVE the position I hold now. I REALLY love everything about my job. I love my work family, I love the friendships I've made with my work family, and I love the interaction I have with our students. I love that my job allows me to make a difference in the lives of people, that I am part of the investment they make in their future.

Sure, rejection stinks. I mean, I felt really lousy...so much in fact that I took a "me" day yesterday and sat home in jammies with ~~a little~~ way too much Chinese food and a terrible Kate Hudson chick-flick. Six pounds, a few tears, and a day later, I'm over it. I know I'm lucky to even be working, especially at a job I love as much as I do. At the end of the day I have to remember that there are big plans for my future and I just need to be patient enough to wait for them. As my dad always says, "Maybe God isn't saying 'No' he's just saying 'not yet'!

Take Me Home (tonight)

2011-10-10T07:59:00.003-05:00

It's no huge secret that I have an odd infatuation with my house. Like I mean, I LOVE being home. It's not that my house is amazing, by any stretch of the imagination, or that my house is immaculately clean. It's neither of those things in fact. But when it comes to making travel plans, the thing that always holds me back is the thought of staying the night somewhere else. This isn't a new thing for me, in fact I talked about it years ago, here. Ever since I had the kids, I literally panic at the thought of what might happen at someone else's house. I worry that their cute little fingers might smudge a perfectly clean window, or that their curious wandering minds might venture into fragile, breakable collectibles. I worry that they'll mess things up.

This weekend the kids and I traveled to Grand Rapids to celebrate Pulaski Days with JM and his family. After catching the last ten minutes of the parade, we spent the remaining part of the afternoon at the park. That night we were going to be staying at JM's dad's house since they were out of town. I literally couldn't enjoy myself because I was so worried what the kids might mess up at their house. It's not that the kids are heathens and would intentionally destroy things, that's definitely not the case, but they are just kids and things do happen. But I wasn't willing to risk that happening at his dad's house. After a couple hours of stressing out, I made the decision to leave. The kids and I left MI around 10pm and got home, safely, around 1:15am...and it was SO worth it to be able to sleep at home.

"I don't have a parade, but you can come to my 50's and 60's party!"

2011-10-07T09:43:00.003-05:00

Isn't it great to have friends who will swoop you up in your moments of despair? Thanks Sally!

There are no words...

2011-10-05T09:51:00.003-05:00

I've worked for Ross for over two years and never could I have imagined something so terrible happening to our close-knit campus. Last night we got word that one of our evening MA students passed away. She was only 27 years old. Apparently she had some health complications that spiraled out of control. She lost her life at the hospital a short time after arriving there. This has definitely taken a toll on our campus, as the evening MA class was pretty small and quickly became like family. Please keep the Curtis family in your prayers.

A Strange Comparison? Perhaps.

2011-10-03T10:50:00.003-05:00

I may get stoned for making this odd comparison, but have you ever noticed that you can almost always find a way to make your daily horoscope applicable to your life? No matter what the horoscope says, somehow it was "meant" for your eyes to read that day, right? For example, here's my horoscope today: You hit the nail right on the head, and impress all the right people. Your energy just can't be denied today, so make sure that you're out in public and getting every bit of the attention you deserve. This makes sense to me and what I have brewing in my mind today. Does it make sense to anyone else, seeing my world from the outside? Probably not! And if I try to explain the similarities in my "real" world and my "cosmic" world, would it appear as obvious to anyone else as it does to me? Again, probably not.

I compare this to the message at church every Sunday. Do you ever feel like your pastor is talking directly to you? I do...every weekend! Ha! I suppose that's a good thing, huh? This weekend the message was about how we were all "dealt" a certain "hand" in life. One day, He will come back and say "what did you DO with the hand I dealt you?" It's not about how much money we have or what we drive or where we live. It's what we did with what we had. It's doing SOMETHING with what we were given. For the longest time I have just sat on what I had. I have remained idle in life. Sure, I've made changes in my life and taken chances, but for the most part I've played it safe, doing what I know, what is familiar. But I think I'm finally ready to DO more. Although I may fall on my face or I may get rejected, at least I'm TRYING.

TGIF

2011-09-30T11:49:00.002-05:00

This was one exhausting week! After having an amazing weekend with the boyfriend, it was extremely hard to get back into the swing of things at work. I'm already looking forward to next week when JM will be back in town for a few days!

Road trippin' together!

2011-09-27T10:20:00.006-05:00

So I briefly mentioned yesterday about our trip to Cleveland last weekend! We had such a good time that I felt like it deserved it's own post! I've only spent a couple hours in the car with JM at a time, so this big trip was sure to be quite the adventure. We left my house, behind schedule, around 10 o'clock Saturday morning. The trip was supposed to take around four hours, but about an hour into the trip we decided to ditch the directions, and just wing it the rest of the way. JM pretty much knew what roads would lead us to our destination, but we still kinda took whatever route our little hearts desired. We went through quaint towns with small street festivals, college towns painted orange and brown ("We're falcon awesome!"), and even drove past (and turned back around to see) an alpaca farm! We stopped a couple hours into the trip for snacks. This is why JM is the BEST road trip partner EVER...he comes out with a bag full of goodies! Anything you could possibly want on a road trip, we had it! We got close to our destination, only to pull off for a little impromptu shopping trip.

JM brought a tie, but we wanted to try to be "that couple" for the wedding-- the ridiculously disgusting couple who matches their outfits to each other. Puke, right? Four stores and almost an hour later, we stopped into Kohls. We dug through the ties for awhile, when I suddenly found THE perfect tie to match my dress! Although the tie was slightly putrid, it matched. JM said if the tie was less than $8 he'd buy it, but otherwise he wasn't going to waste money on something he'd never wear again. As JM prayed under his breath for the tie to be at least $9, I pulled the tag around and BAM...$3!!!!!!!!! Defeated (yet secretly delighted at the perfect match), JM bought the tie! We got a TON of compliments on our matching colors at the wedding! And the tie was a success, to say the least!

The trip home Sunday morning was equally as entertaining, even though we stuck to the main roads so we could make it home quicker. JM tuned in to a polka station a couple hours into the trip...ummmm yeah. Interesting. (I knew that JM was loyal to his Polish heritage, but I had NO idea the extent to his love of polka music. Wow!)

Overall, I have ZERO complaints about our trip! It was so much fun spending time with him, one-on-one. I was so relaxed and carefree during the entire trip (something I never would have done in the past!)! It was nice to just sit back and let JM take control and lead us on this little adventure! It was fun to flip through the radio stations and belt out silly songs together!

I said this to be cheesy to JM on the trip, but I truly mean it...I'd go anywhere with him!

Another great weekend!

2011-09-26T09:34:00.003-05:00

It's been a few days since I've posted anything, so I'll do a quick update!

Thursday I left straight from work to head to Lansing for our annual in-service for work. It's a great time for our work family to join together, chit-chat over good food and wine, and just let loose before the in-service meetings the following day. We went to PF Changs for dinner, followed by a couple cocktails at a local college dive bar. It was a great time and it's nice having JM with me at these things now!

Friday morning we got up early for the in-service! It was a great day and proved to be very informative! After the meetings, JM and I headed back to Fort Wayne to meet up with my brothers, my kiddies, and mom. It was the first time my brothers would be meeting JM! We all had such a great time and I think JM really enjoyed his time with my brothers! This is huge for me, as my family is such a MAJOR part of my life! It was nice to see that they all loved him as much as I do!

Saturday morning, JM and I had to leave early to go to Cleveland for a wedding. It would be our first road trip together! We had a BLAST taking little back roads, driving through small towns, and just laughing and talking for almost five hours! He's a perfect road trip partner!! (Of course!) This was the first time I met his high school and college friends, and I have to admit I had been a little nervous about it. But of course, they were all amazing and it was an INCREDIBLE night!

Sunday morning we hit the road early to get back to the babies! Although it had been a GREAT weekend with just JM, I was ready to get back to the kids and to finally be HOME. While I unpacked from the weekend and started laundry, JM cuddled up with the kids on the couch. I think they secretly missed us as much as we missed them!!

It was a PERFECT weekend, and I am so grateful for an amazing family and boyfriend!

A House for Four?

2011-09-21T13:06:00.000-05:00

I bought my house just over a year ago. Although I went through quite the struggle to finally close on my house, I wouldn't trade it for the world and I still really love my house. I love the neighborhood, I love our neighbors, and I love the location outside of the city limits. Overall, I'd say that I am very lucky to have been able to buy in the area that I did. And for the kids and I, the house is fairly roomy. Their bedrooms are a bit on the small side, and we don't have a second living area, as I had originally hoped for in a home, but the 1600-ish square feet is sufficient for two toddlers and me.

With JM traveling so much for work, he is oftentimes able to stay with us during the week. Of course I love having him there, but it makes me realize that my house wouldn't provide enough space for a family of four! (And that's not a dig at JM's giant physique or abnormally long, dangling arms!) It's just that sometimes it would be nice to have that "retreat" away from the chaos that comes with a full house.

I have to stay in my house for at least five years because of the type of loan that I took for my house. And of course I WANT to stay in my house that long, especially since we're less than three miles from the elementary school and junior high where the kids will attend. But eventually, I want to be able to send JM to the basement to watch all the Tigers games his little heart desires. And I want to be able to send the kids to their rooms to work on their homework. And I want to be able to run away to the four-season room with my ~~bottle~~ glass of wine in the evenings, without anyone distracting me!

Again, I know I'm lucky to have my house! I DO love my house and I'm proud of myself for taking the plunge into home-ownership. But a girl can dream, right?!

I just don't understand!

2011-09-20T10:56:00.000-05:00

I've never been married so it's hard for me to completely understand some of the "issues" that those close to me are going though in their relationship. However, I have been in a very long relationship, which included two kids, a cat (for a brief time), and many difficult situations. As we all know, that ended all too late. I should have done it months, if not years before I finally did it, but...lesson learned. And I think that's my point-- lesson LEARNED. I have married friends who constantly complain about their spouse. Most of the time it's just the normal wifely banter-- about her husband not cleaning up after himself or about her husband saying something moronic. BUT sometimes, my friends have a legitimate reason to gripe...and even question her desire (or lack thereof) to be married. Scenario 1: Wife is complaining about how she has to constantly do everything for her husband. I know there's a degree to relationships where we ~~should~~ WANT to do things for our partner, but there's also a point where we're almost enabling our partner to be an idiot. I mean, you're calling the doctor for your husband because he "doesn't know how" to do it? Seriously? You're running to the grocery store at 10pm because he "doesn't know" what groceries your family needs for the week? What happened to a grocery LIST for Pete's sake!? Really?! At this point, I just stopped feeling sorry for you and started being jealous of your husband! Please come shop for me and make my appointments for me! Please!? Scenario 2: Wife is always stuck at home. I remember what it was like to be a stay-at-home-mom. It was hard. Sure there were perks to being home all day in comfy clothes and such, but looking back, the majority of my memories during those three years as a SAHM include miserably waiting on Aaron to get home from work (or where ever), so I could have a freaking minute to myself! There came a point where I KNEW Aaron wasn't going to hurry home because he knew everything was taken care of. The kids were fed, the house was clean(ish), and things were as they should be. My heart aches for my friend going through this right now. It's unfair for her husband to expect her to stay home and tend to EVERYTHING, while he's ignoring her calls for help (literally, sometimes). Everyone needs a break. At what point does the wife take that final step to being completely single? I mean, her life with her kids will essentially go unchanged-- she already does everything for them. I, in no way, am suggesting that my married friends should throw in the towel. I know that relationships take work. A LOT OF WORK. And I am totally on board for that, trust me. But, at what point do we stop living miserably and start living the life that we WANT for yourself and for our children? People change. Even though we might not be the one changing, we can't stop our partner from changing. He might decide that the life he promised us wasn't exactly what HE envisioned for himself.

Kindergarten overload.

2011-09-14T13:54:00.000-05:00

I'm exhausted FOR Lilly! I knew that starting school would be a big change for all of us, mostly Lilly of course, but I had no idea how much it would impact me! It seems like we are constantly running here or there, doing this or that, and writing, cutting, pasting, or reading SOMETHING. Although we've always been a "bedtime story" kinda family, finding the time to dedicate twenty solid mintues of uninterrupted reading everyday, has proved to be challenging. The past two days we have had so much going on right after school that by the time we get home, make dinner, and finish eating, it's almost time for bath, books, and bed. I see my kids for about 2 hours in the evenings (on a good night), and for about an hour in the morning. I miss the little boogers! Lilly also just started ballet and tap yesterday. After a forty-five minute class, right after school, she looked EXHAUSTED! My poor baby!! And to think...this is only KINDERGARTEN! Ugh!

One Sick Puppy!

2011-09-08T18:38:00.001-05:00

Andy-Man has been sick for the past few days. I got the dreaded call from daycare on Tuesday afternoon. Anderson had a temp of nearly 102. I cleared my schedule for the rest of the day, got my appointments covered at work, and drove to pick up my sick little duckling, the whole way there cursing the life of single-parenthood! A couple hours and one dose of medicine later, my little man was coming back to life and his normal silly self. I had called Lilly's school earlier and instructed them to have Lilly ride the bus to our neighborhood so that I wouldn't have to go all the way back to daycare, where she usually gets dropped off. I knew Lilly would be excited to ride the bus with our neighbor girl, Makayla, and it made it much easier for me to get her! Anderson wanted to walk over to the stop with me (which is literally right across the street, and also happens to be right in front of our BFF/neighbor friends' house!). Here's what he looked like to venture across the street:

~~Sick my ass.~~ Yesterday he spent the day with my aunt. Apparently she was on vacation, and was more than willing to keep my little man! Anderson had a GREAT day with Aunt Sue, and I was at ease knowing he was having a good time, and probably getting spoiled rotten! Today he convinced me that he was feeling okay, other than his "swallower" hurting! I kept him at home for the majority of the morning, but dropped him off on my way to work at 11am. So far, no call from daycare to come pick him up! Shew!

Lucky Me!

2011-09-06T08:16:00.000-05:00

I told myself at the beginning of the month that I was going to be dedicated to my blog this month. I wanted to redo my headline, change up some themes, and make an effort to blog at least five days a week. Well, it's now the 6th and I've already failed! Whoops! So, let me catch you up on the past few days! Friday turned out to be FABULOUS! After thinking that I wouldn't see JM until I went to MI for Labor day festivities, I was excited to hear that he had changed his mind and would be joining me for the evening! The kids were SO excited to see his car in the driveway when we got home! He's amazing and anything more than a few days apart from him just bums me out! We hung out, spent some quality time with the babies and then grabbed a late dinner that night! It was perfect!

Saturday was spent like most other Saturdays...shopping with Mom and the babies! JM had to head home early to take care of a few things (ha) before my arrival on Sunday. (Code for: Michigan football game at 3pm!) Mom took the kids home with her on Saturday evening because I was leaving early the next morning for Grand Rapids. It was very very very weird to be home alone that night-- no babies and no JM. As awkward as the silence was, I actually enjoyed it and really took the time to get a couple things done. Sunday morning I was up bright and early to hit the road for MI. This would be only the second time I went to JM's house. I was nervous and excited at the same time! Although I had briefly met his parents and sister, this would be the first time I met the extended family. THEY. WERE. AMAZING! He has the most incredible family! Spending time with JM and his family made me fall in love even more with him. He's such a lucky guy to have such an awesome family! They were great! Monday I made the drive back to FTW and then onto Wabash for the Hahn Labor day BBQ. Although it was little chilly, it was still so much fun to spend time with my family! My kids had so much fun with all the aunts and of course their little cousins! After a weekend like this, I can't help but feel so blessed to have such a great group of people surrounding me. I have the most precious babies, the best parents ever, a wonderful extended family, and of course the world's best man. I would say this weekend was an epic success!

RUT-ROW!

2011-09-02T14:46:00.000-05:00

I have bad children. Well, I wouldn't say they're BAD children, they just have bad behaviors. And their terrible behavior has extended beyond the cozy walls of our own home. While the nightly battles at bedtime are to be somewhat (I said SOMEWHAT) expected of easily excitable youngsters, I would say my children's rule-following reluctance, especially at bedtime, is beyond the level of acceptability. Yes, this is ~~partially~~ mostly my own fault, as my follow-through at the end of the day is lacking. This is definitely something I am continuously working on, and I know that NOT following through on things is only hurting my precious babies. This whole ordeal started Monday, when I got a little note from Anderson's teachers saying that he had to be reminded multiple times to make good decisions. I talked to my handsome son about this at dinner that night, and together we came up with ways to make better decisions at school. The next day, his teacher said he did much better (still not great?). Then Wednesday at work, I got an email from Lilly's teacher. Apparently Lilly was having trouble following rules during circle time. Her teacher asked me to please review the terms "active listening" and "personal best" with Lilly that evening. Convinced that I was probably going to have to pull both children from school and be forced to home-school them, I turned to my brother! HELP! As a former elementary teacher,~~and a rules and manners nazi~~, I knew he could help me guide my troubled-tots back on the right path. With his support and encouragement, I took these issues by the horns, and I have hope that my kids will turn out to be quality, prosperous members of society! I know these things happen. And I know that all kids go through behavior issues in times of transitions. I also know that it's my job to make sure that these things don't go unnoticed or unaddressed. I am committed to working through these things with my babies.

"Don't play the jealous game."

2011-08-31T08:44:00.002-05:00

When you've been burned in a previous relationship, it's hard not to carry that baggage into future relationships. But for the first time in my life I feel relaxed and comfortable with myself and who I am as part of a couple. Sure there are situations that have come up in the past six months that make me insecure and make me question whether or not I "have it in me" to go down this road again. But I think the difference is, this time I'm on a completely different road. This road isn't bumpy, it's not winding, it's not hilly. It's not straight and narrow either. Rather, it's one of those smooth, calm, wide-open roads. The kind of road that you know is going to take you somewhere magical, somewhere very few people get to visit.
There are moments I catch myself being unappreciative of the things that JM does for me. He leaves me cute notes all over the place, he drives countless miles each month to be able to spend time with me, and he makes every effort to make sure I feel loved. This is a man who, I know, would do anything to make sure that I was taken care of, protected, and happy.
Oftentimes I complain about my past, and the hardships that I went through after Aaron left. There are times I feel entitled to great things because I went through so many "horrible" things. I can't help but be ashamed at those thoughts. Nothing I went through was THAT terrible. Nothing happened "to" me. I've finally been able to step back and appreciate the things that occurred in the past, because without all those tough times, I never would have found my most perfect man.

I love you JM. You are the man of my dreams. I will be forever grateful to have met you. I cannot wait to spend forever with you.

3

2011-08-30T14:19:00.002-05:00

Three years ago, the most wonderful lady was taken from this earth. It's hard to believe that her laugh, her voice, her face has been gone from our lives for so long. Although my memories of her will last forever, my heart can't help but ache at the void of her presence. They say that time heals everything. I think "they" didn't have a grandma like Donna B. Anglin.
My kids' memories of Gigi are limited. Although we still talk about her often, the only reminder Anderson has of the way Gigi looks is based on the framed picture of her and Pa-Paw on my nightstand. Lilly just remembers that she was "so tiny" and I always tease her that she'd probably be taller than Gigi by now! Lilly finds this hilarious! (As we all did once we finally grew taller than Grandma!)

Although my heart is heavy today, my hope is that we continue to remember and celebrate all the great memories we have of Grandma. And most of all, I hope my mom knows that she is not alone today, and that Grandma is watching over her, proud as can be at the things Mom is doing, especially for Grandpa. My mom has kept her promises to Grandma, and for that I know Grandma would be forever grateful.

Something quick...

2011-08-17T10:19:00.003-05:00

Lilly's second day of school seemed to go as smoothly as her first day. The only major upset that she reported was the giant tear on her new dress. She said that someone kept untying her bow on the back of her dress and when she moved away, it ripped the bottom of her dress. Is this the first sign of bullying? I certainly hope not!!!
**Anderson seemed to be "back to normal" after school today! And he was fighting with his sister within 5 minutes of reuniting! Shew!

The kids and I took a nice walk with our neighbor friends yesterday! It was a great way to get out of the house, enjoy the GORGEOUS early-fall weather, and also burn a few calories! After the walk, we enjoyed the company of our friends for an hour, before turning in for the night! Overall, a relaxing, enjoyable evening.

As JM was leaving for work this morning, he noticed some things missing from his car, which had been parked (unlocked) in my driveway. I feel terrible for him, but hope this will serve as a reminder to be more careful about locking his doors. The guy is just too darn trusting; an extreme optimist (to a fault).

Yesterday was a milestone "anniversary" for JM and me. Five months! LOL! I cannot believe that we've only been seeing each other for such a short time. I feel like he's been in my life forever, and I truly cannot imagine life without him. He came home "early" from work (7:45 instead of 10pm!)with flowers in hand! He's amazing! This morning, I found a small note in my purse. He seems to know exactly what to do to make me feel loved! He's so great!

She Made It!!!! He didn't.

2011-08-16T08:32:00.004-05:00

Lilly made it through her first day as a kindergartner! It was hilarious to hear the things she chose to focus on about her first day...the bus didn't have seat belts and she got to put her feet on the seat in front of her (a big no-no in Mama's car!), Ava's cute earrings, and Mrs.Summers' sayings ("Folder, locker, seat. Folder, locker, seat. Folder, locker, seat!")! Overall, I'd say her day was a success!

Anderson, on the other hand, seemed to be struggling a little without his big sis. When I went to pick them up from daycare, Anderson ran to me and instantly wanted me to pick him up and carry him out (a rarity for Anderson). When we got home he got jammies on, grabbed his blanket and pillow, and laid on the kitchen floor until dinner. All he wanted was a piece of Gigi toast (peanut butter toast) and water. I KNEW something was up! Today I talked to his teacher about it and she said at one point during the day yesterday, Anderson was clinging to the fence at recess, yelling "Lilly? Lilly?" It's about the darn saddest image I've ever had. I sure hope today goes more smoothly for our little guy!

Kindergarten

2011-08-14T18:31:00.003-05:00

Who knew a twelve letter word could be so life-altering? Tomorrow is the big day...the day that begins the rest of our lives. My precious baby girl starts kindergarten. Okay okay, maybe it's not as dramatic as I'm making it out to be, but it's a pretty huge deal! Of course we always knew that one day Lilly would start school, but never did I think it'd sneak up on me this quickly. She's only five!!! Are we SURE five year olds should be starting school?
I remember when she was born and everyone told Aaron and I to "enjoy it while it lasts" because time flies by. I remember thinking that we had forever. I remember thinking that she'd always be our little baby girl. Kindergarten seemed centuries away! Who knew that five years would go by so quickly? I hear people say that once they start kindergarten, there's no looking back, and before we know it she'll be driving. (EEEEEK!) I just can't grasp those milestones.

I was talking to a friend on Friday and I made the comment that I'm not really SAD about Lilly starting school, and that I was actually READY for her to get a new routine started. I don't know if I truly believed it, or if I was trying to convince myself that I was okay with it, but now, thirteen and a half hours before her first day of kindergarten begins, I TOTALLY change my mind. I'm NOT ready for her to go, and I am ridiculously SAD about this new adventure (for myself, not for her)! I know she's excited and I know my little Lilly will adapt just fine, but it still doesn't prepare me for what's about to come.

Prayers for Mama, please? Oh yeah...and Lilly too of course!!!!!!!

Be Patient. Let Go. Relax.

2011-08-10T14:28:00.004-05:00

I realized during my student teaching, that I was not cut out to be a teacher. As much as I enjoyed teaching English, I learned that I had zero patience for the students! Major problem! As a parent, I see my patience being tested all the time. I blame it on their age and tell (promise) myself it'll get better once they get a little older. My mom assures me this isn't the case! Crap!

I'm a self-admitted control freak. As much as I'd love to just let things play out on their own, and in their own time, I am beginning to realize that I just may not be capable of doing this. I use the excuse that I was put into the position of "control" when Aaron left, which MAY be true...with the kids. But what about the other aspects of my life, the other relationships?

I went on a "one-day-at-a-time" kick at the beginning of the year. It proved to be successful for me! I was happier. I was carefree, yet in control of my life. I want to get back to that point. I want to be able to just go with the flow, let things roll off my back, and just trust that it will all be okay. Although I have NO idea how to get to that point, and although I'm scared crapless of what that means for my sanity, I am willing to take the steps necessary to get there. I wonder if there's a twelve step program for people like me? LOL!

School days, school days, good ole' .....wwwwhat?

2011-08-09T10:56:00.004-05:00

Lilly and I spent the weekend picking up the rest of the supplies from the mile-long list provided by her school. OH. MY. GOSH. Since when did kindergarten require dry erase markers and Ziploc baggies?! What happened to the days of crayons, scissors, and glue? Now they're required to take not only two bottles of Elmer's glue, but also four jumbo glue sticks. How much gluing will take place in one school year? And, conveniently the #2 pencils (Ticonderoga, only) came in only a three-pack or a twenty-four pack, when the school list calls for only twelve. Hmmm? You think SACS has a deal with Ticonderoga?! LOL! Thus far, I've spent nearly $70 on the thirty-four item list...and I've yet to purchase the gym shoes which are required to stay at school.
I just cannot believe Lilly is about to start kindergarten. She's growing too quickly and I know time will go by even more quickly now that she's in school. Before we know it, Anderson will be starting kindergarten too! Eeek!

It's the little things!

2011-08-08T14:44:00.003-05:00

...and really, at the end of the day, I know I'm loved.

How does this work?

2011-08-08T12:15:00.004-05:00

As a single person, things are fairly simple, especially when it comes to coordinating plans. We're able to come and go as we please. We're able to do whatever we want on the weekend, without having to consult with someone else. Going out to see the guys every weekend isn't such a bad thing. We don't worry about what affect our actions have on anyone else...because there is no one else!!!
As a couple, how do we insure that we're being mindful of our partner, while still maintaining our own identity outside of the relationship? It goes from going out with a buddy once a week, to going out with him once every couple months. Things are just different. We want to still have our "old" friends, yet be willing and open to making "new" friendships. We want to have our "own" space and our "own" time, but still spend time with our partner. He wants to be catering to her needs, yet not her sole rock of stability. She wants to feel needed, but not used. There are so many factors to consider.

JM and I had to finally have this talk. There's a gap in where we WANT to be, and where we literally CAN be right now. Although we both agree that we want to be together, 24/7 (errr, mostly!), with him working/living in MI right now, it's just not possible. So when he's in GR and I'm in FTW, there's a sense of disconnect between old versus new life. Single verses coupled. Working through these things has been difficult for us, especially being so far away from each other. But we both see the value in each other and in our relationship. I'm confident that as long as we can maintain this mutual respect for each other, we'll work through these minor bumps in the road.

Distant Dating...

2011-08-05T13:42:00.002-05:00

...is hard. No matter what, the distance between two people in a relationship, can be tough. As AMAZING as JM is at trying to make sure I get enough of his attention, there are days that it seems impossible to keep up this long distance relationship. It's hard from my aspect because I have my babies and I can't just pick up and go visit him whenever I'd like to! It's tough for him to come here because he works ridiculously long hours and has at least a two hour drive to FTW from any of his chosen work campuses. It stinks. I have to give JM mad props for all the driving he does to come see me. There are weeks that he'll spend three or four nights in FTW during the week, each of those days driving two hours to and from his campus. He'll leave at 6am and get home around 10pm. It's terrible for him and I know this. I feel horrible that he has to drive all the time. I know I don't tell him enough that I appreciate him for driving all the way here to spend time with me-- even if it's only eight hours at night. He's amazing and I am completely smitten with him. I hope I tell him this enough.

Back HOME again...in Indiana!

2011-08-01T13:09:00.003-05:00

The kids got back from MN on Saturday morning. Aaron and I met in Chicago at my brother's condo to make the switch! This was the first time that Aaron literally just dropped the kids off and went on his merry little way. I let him know that I would just meet him out at the street when he got there, we'd make the switch, and that'd be that. In the past, Aaron always came up to Adam's place and hung out with the fam for awhile, but...things are a'changin'!

The kids wanted to see their uncles, so we spent about an hour in Chicago before heading back to Indiana! It's crazy how much kids can change in just one week. Lilly looked like a five year old, going on twelve. She had a cute little tan, and her face just looked so mature. She was very calm and reserved. It worried me a little to think that her little mind might be confused at the transition. Anderson looked about two feet taller than when he left to go to his dad's. His hair looked blonder and his little baby skin looked golden brown! SO handsome! Needless to say, mama was happy to have them back!

On the way home, the kids told me about their time at Aaron's...a lot of which included stories about Daddy's "friend" *****(whom we'll leave nameless, because surly it'll be a different gal before their next visit). The kids really liked her and said she was a lot of fun! This made me happy, which was a surprise reaction for me! I never want to be with him again, but for the longest time, I was possessive of him. Looking back, I'm sure it was more about not wanting another girl around my babies, but after hearing how much fun they had with Aaron and ******, I was more relieved that he was with a nice girl and that she enjoyed spending time with my kids. I just want the babies to be happy and have fun when they're with him...even if that means he has them around a new girl everytime they visit (which to date, has been the case). But that's his business.

The reality is, I know I'm providing stability at home. I am learning to let go of my past resentments. I am learning that the time the kids spend with Aaron is very minimal, due to the distance, and that spending time with his flavor-of-the-month when they are there, won't damage my kids. We're already back into the swing of things at home and it was as though they never left! We're doing just fine!

**I just tripped, stepping off my soapbox!!

Terrible. Terrible. Terrible.

2011-07-26T09:32:00.002-05:00

I'm ready to get my kids back. I don't think my mind will be at ease until I have them safely in the comfort of our own home. Yesterday was the first day I've not spoken to my kids since they were born. Aaron and I got into a little (huge) spat yesterday, so as my "punishment" he refuses to let them talk to me. Mature, huh? Aaron's issue with me is that I am in control. My issue with Aaron is that he's clueless. I know this is like beating a dead horse, and I know I've complained about my issues with Aaron way too many times to count. Aaron is now threatening to take me to court, which I'm sure he'll follow through on...and that's okay. Although I always thought Aaron and I would be able to work things out on our own, without the courts, the reality is Aaron HATES that I have control--of anything. He doesn't understand that he left me with all the control when he moved to MN, leaving me to make all the decisions.
Regardless of what happens, if he takes me to court or not, I know that everything is going to work out just fine. My kids are happy and healthy. Even though it's going to be terrible not being able to talk to them for the next few days, I know I'll survive and they'll be HOME before I know it!

"PURE" Perfection!

2011-07-25T12:25:00.003-05:00

Being that JM is from Michigan, I can't help but give him a hard time everytime I hear a "Pure Michigan" commercial. Although Tim Allen's voice makes the numerous Michigan lakes and other attractions seem incredibly enticing, I can't help buy get a chuckle at how desperate the state of Michigan sounds with their constant ads! It's impossible to listen to the radio on the way to work without hearing a Pure Michigan commercial at least twice! It becomes obnoxious!
Well, this was the first weekend I went to Grand Rapids to meet JM's family! First of all, his family is AMAZING! Although I had NO doubts that they would all be fabulous people, I was still a little anxious to meet them. It's kinda a huge deal! JM's family means the world to him and I just wanted to make a good impression.
We got a really late start Saturday morning. It was noon before we even left FTW. We had to drive separately because JM was working from GR on Monday and it wouldn't have made sense for him to come all the way back to FTW. We made a little detour on the way to GR. I was pleasantly surprised that JM was taking me to my uncle's pub in Richland, MI. Although it was a little out of our way, he wanted me to be able to stop in and see my MI family since we were so close! I told you he's perfect!
We finally made our way to GR, met the fam, and then JM took me to Saugatuck. It was the most romantic, relaxing, PERFECT setting! We walked the shoreline for what seemed like miles. We went through the families, the sunbathers, and finally walked to the most secluded part of the beach. It was perfect! Walking hand-in-hand with the most wonderful man, seemingly thinking the same things, stopping every once in awhile for a quick kiss....he made my heart melt. It was perfection, through and through. We stopped in Grand Haven on the way back to GR for a quick bite to eat. Overall the trip, although way too short, was perfect! I think Tim Allen is really onto something! Who knew?!

You think you're sooooo funny! (You kinda are!)

2011-07-22T09:54:00.009-05:00

I'm really missing my babies this morning. I made it through the first night without them with flying colors (and a bottle of wine). I woke up at 6:45 this morning to a call from Anderson! It was the PERFECT start to my day! He was up and at 'em, begging his daddy to wake up and make breakfast (5:45am IA time). Positive about kids being gone for the week: sleeping in, and NOT having to make breakfast for anyone!

My normal mornings go something like this: I wake up around 6am to Anderson crawling in my bed, telling me "I'll cuddle you Mom." He wraps his tiny little arm around me, making it as far as grabbing my boob. Eh, whatever. At least he's cuddling me! We'll lay there for as long as it takes for Lilly to wake up (usually another 20 mins). During our alone time, Anderson rambles about the most bizarre things! You truly never know what will come out of Anderson's little mouth! His mind is all over the place!

I got a call from Aaron earlier this morning. He was laughing about how random and hilarious Anderson is! I told Aaron how Anderson provides me with so much entertainment! He's toooo funny (and he knows it!)!!!

They're gone...

2011-07-21T12:03:00.005-05:00

The kiddies are en route to Minnesota right now. They left this morning around 9. They were both RIDICULOUSLY excited to go, but this Mama was ridiculously sad to see them go.

Aaron got to town yesterday around 6pm. The kids and I met him at our FAVORITE Mexican restaurant, Cebollas, for dinner and then ran to Target for a few last minute supplies for their trip. This was the first time that I insisted that Aaron buy his own kid necessities for his house, rather than taking mine with him (only to NOT return them!). The evening went well, considering (our disdain for one another). After our quick shopping trip, the kids and I went home (Aaron stayed with a friend) and began the wretched chore of packing. Ugh!

This morning went well. Aaron came over first thing, loaded up the car, packed a cooler, and they were on their way....

I made both kids PROMISE to call me everyday (although I know they won't WANT to talk to me everyday!) and made them pose for a quick picture on their way out the door. As every other time, I know the kids will have a GREAT time with their Dad, and I REALLY do want the break from reality...but I cried for a greater part of the nine o'clock hour thinking about how my little loves won't be home when I get off work tonight, or there in the morning when I wake up. Here's to making the most of these next seven days!

buh bye now...

2011-07-19T13:33:00.004-05:00

The kids leave in a few days for MN. I am super excited for some time alone, but of course I'll miss my babies. I've started a list of things I need/want to get done while my hunny-bunches-of-energy are gone.

1) Clean out the garage. I have four or five totes of "stuff" sitting on my garage floor waiting to make their way up to the attic. I tried going into the attic once, but only with a lot of encouragement from my babies cheering me on from below, remember? The fiasco ended with me cursing all men (because putting heavy totes into a hot, buggy attic is clearly not for my kind), breaking a freshly manicured thumb nail, and most importantly, promising myself that I'd never again attempt to put anything in the attic. JM swears that this is a man's job and that he'll handle this. Perhaps I'll let him do it while I supervise. I'm great at that.

2) Finish my bedroom makeover. I started my bedroom remodel about four months ago. I talked about it here and here . It got a fresh coat of paint, new furniture, and new bedding. I have yet to hang anything on the walls or decorate beyond a framed picture of my grandparents on my nightstand. I'm planning to rearrange the furniture, hang a mirror, hang black and white pictures (maybe of the kids?), and HOPEFULLY move out the treadmill-turned-closet.

3) Road trip to Michigan. This weekend, JM and I will make the trek to Grand Rapids so I can meet some of his family! I'm SUPER excited to meet these amazing people I've heard so much about! JM is an incredible man, and it'll be nice to be a part of "his world" for a weekend! He's been so patient and understanding, driving to FTW to see ME all the time; I'm ready to go to his stomping grounds for a couple days! The following weekend, Megan and I are taking a day trip to St.Joe, MI. One of her teacher friends told her about the quaint little town, so we figured we'd take the day and explore. From there, we're going to Chicago, where we'll (hopefully) meet up with Adam and Gary for dinner/drinks, before getting the kids back the following day!

4) Try a new eatery. Every time my kids are gone, my old boss promises to take me to a local restaurant that I've not yet experienced. Last time we went to Henry's for a burger, YUM! And the time before that we went to Aboite Grill, where I tried tons of new foods! This time we're thinking either Bourbon Street in downtown FTW, or Joseph Dequis in Roanoke. Either choice will be delish, of course! I can't wait!

5) Get back-to-school ready. My baby starts school in less than four weeks. I CANNOT BELIEVE that Lilly is going into kindergarten already! We had a BLAST school-shopping last weekend. Nana definitely took care of Princess Lilly, preparing her to enter kindergarten as fashionable as possible! Lilly is very excited to go to a new school, but I can't help but worry about her making this very big change. Lilly has been through a lot of change in the past two years and has handled herself very well. I'm sure this will be no different. But still..she's my baby! I need to get myself ready to send the queen off to kindergarten. (Prayers please!)

The last time the kids were in MN was when Jeff and I started spending time together, outside of work. We were together EVERY evening and really got to know each other. It was AMAZING! I am TRYING to embrace my eight kidless days as much as possible, as I know it'll be December until it happens again!

Mothering

2011-07-01T10:39:00.004-05:00

Happy July 1st, all! When I was telling the kids that it's July already (as though this means ANYTHING to them), I was reminded of my 7th grade English teacher Mrs.Wion. On the first of every month, Mrs.Wion would make a dramatic presentation (complete with tears) about how there had been a death the night before, and a birth that morning. Hmmmm? She was weird.

Last night began the start to a seven-day stay with JM. He's working closer to FTW than usual, so he's able to come to my house after work for the next few workdays. Also, with it being a long holiday weekend, he's staying with us! I'm super excited to have him here, and a little anxious to see how the week will go. I'm a creature of habit, so anything (or anyone) who throws that off, may reap the negative effects of my controlling demeanor. JM reads me really well and knows when I'm needing some attention from AFAR! I'm confident that the next week will be pure (errr, mostly) bliss!

I realized this morning as the kids and I pulled into daycare listening to Ke$ha that I probably don't have the best music selections for my kids all the time. I've never been a big fan of Ke$ha's, but some of her stuff is catchy...just ask Anderson! I know I know, tacky. Bad mom.

The kids leave in a few short weeks for MN. They'll be gone for ten days. I'm nervous because this is the first time they're going there when Aaron and I just blatenly aren't getting along. He's gone days without calling the kids, he's been nothing but nasssty to me, and I've lost all but an ounce of resepect for him (that one ounce being the fact that my mom said I HAD to respect him as the father of my children). It's going to be tough sending them off with him this time, but I have a lot of stuff planned to keep my mind busy...including a weekend getaway to MI to meet Jeff's families!! I always look forward to my time away from the kids, and I know they need the time with their dad, but I still hate the thought of not being with them for ten whole days! EEEEK!

You're scary!

2011-06-29T08:27:00.003-05:00

So I've been dating my boyfriend for about four months now. Things are pretty great...better than great, actually! We both work for the same company, and all the coworkers at my campus told us that we should hang out and get to know each other. "Not gonna happen," we had both promised (them, each other, and ourselves). We were like the male/female version of each other; perfectly content in our single, simple lives. Well, one "not-a-date" later we became inseparable. Things have been nearly perfect ever since! We have the most open, honest, and loving communication. JM treats me like gold, he respects me, he adores me, he makes me feel like I'm the most important thing in his world, he does anything to try to keep me happy...and for those of you who know me well, that ain't easy! LOL! Okay, okay, I could go on for hours talking about how great he is, but let me get to the point of this post...

JM has NEVER yelled at me. Never. He's never even slightly raised his voice at me. He is so level-headed and gentle that the thought of him getting upset (at anyone) seems so far-fetched. Well, last night it finally happened (errrr, KINDA). I don't write this to display him as a monster (because that'd be impossible), but rather show how ridiculously nice this man is. Here's what happened:

JM had a long day at work. He has a lot of responsibility with his job and sometimes it gets exhausting, or at least I'd assume it does. Although he never complains about his job and does an amazing job of "leaving it at the office," last night was just one of those nights. I could tell he had a lot on his mind, as he talked about work for awhile before things turned ugly (for us!)! I started in on my normal needy tactics, he wasn't saying the right (enough) things, and I ended up pouting and telling him I needed space. He and I both knew how ridiculous this was, and normally JM would "save us" and swoop me up and tell me how perfect I am and how much he adores me. (Yes, this works for me. Childish? Perhaps!) But tonight was different...my gentle, loving, nurturing boyfriend blurted out:
"You want me to give you space? Well fine! Maybe we both need space. I'm sorry Gretchen, but I'm not going to apologize, I'm sorry. I won't. I'm serious. I'm sorry."
Now, anyone who knows JM knows that this is completely out of character for him. He doesn't have a mean bone in his body. And this argument (or sad, pathetic rant), just further proved how insanely kind my boyfriend really is. In his fit of anger (which lasted a total of 2 minutes), he managed to "not apologize" four times, tell me how pretty I am, tell me how much he adores me, etc. This guy does not have the ability to be mean. He truly is the nicest person in the world!

I know I'm a lucky girl. I know I need to make sure I wake up everyday and try to make HIS day a better day. My normal bratty ways need to vanish. I don't want to push JM to his breaking point (no matter how severe). JM is a true blessing to my life. I feel complete.

She really IS though...

2011-06-28T07:36:00.002-05:00

During my morning read on Yahoo, I came across an interesting article. As parents, its our given right to believe that our children are brilliant,(even if they're not!)! You can read the entire article here, but here are points that stuck out to me!

Retains Information: The term "in one ear and out the other" seems to apply to most children. Those who are a cut above when it comes to intelligence actually retain a wide variety of information and are able to recall it at a later time.
Does retaining even not-so-valuable-info count? My precious five-year old is the master at holding onto things and bringing them up (using them against you, even) months later. Lilly can still recall times that her brother got to do something and she didn't. She remembers times when I wouldn't get her her "gladiola" sandals for her birthday that she was just dyyyyying to have. Who knew that all these memories were a sign of her retaining information and being on her way to baby genius status?

Wide Spectrum of Interests: Gifted kiddos display an interest in a wide variety of topics. They may like dinosaurs one month, space the next month, and so fourth.
While my darling daughter isn't a fan of aerodynamics or extinct animals, my doll baby does display an interest in a wide array of things...mostly fashion accessories. While one day she is obsessed with her thousands of multi-colored bracelets, the next day she is onto new flip flops, endless bathing suit options, and occasionally switches up her favorite Taylor Swift song for the week! Does this count?

Writes and Reads Early: If your tot is a smarty pants, she may be able to read and write very early on and without having had any real formal teaching.
On a more serious note, I do have to say that I am very impressed with Lilly's writing skills. After her 5th birthday party, she sat down at the table and had to write everyone a thank you card. Of course I had to help her with the spelling, but she wrote each and every note on her own. She loves to write-- maybe she'll be an author (ya know, if that fashion career falls through!)!

Is Musically or Artistically Talented: Children who display an unusual talent for music and/or art are often considered gifted. Tots who can draw things to perspective, have perfect pitch, or display any other higher perception of forms of art usually fall into the gifted category.
Lilly is a great little artist! I've never seen a five year old make such masterpieces with sidewalk chalk! She's seriously a great little artist..and I secretly love how skinny she makes me look in every portrait!!!

Has an Advanced Vocabulary: A tot who's early to speak is not a sign of giftedness alone, but if your lil talker is using advanced vocabulary and sentences, then he or she may be as bright as you think. According to the NAGC, "Children at age two make sentences like: 'There's a doggie.' A two-year-old who is gifted might say, 'There's a brown doggie in the backyard and he's sniffing our flower.' "
If either of my children used the word "doggie" after the age of one, I'd flick them! I've never been one to baby-talk with my kids, even when they were babies. I have always talked to them like people, maybe to a fault. Lilly has started (correctly) using the word "literally"....The other day she said "Are you seriously going to wear that? I can literally see your brawl right thought that shirt." Wow.

Okay okay, maybe my tot isn't a genius, but she is a smart little girl! She is hilarious (and knows it), and I just love her to pieces!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's just one of those things...

2011-06-22T15:19:00.003-05:00

As I prepare for my little princess to start kindergarten in two short months, I am realizing how much more complicated things will be! We were trying to book our fall vacation, but for the first time, had to be aware of a school schedule! It seemed so weird to me! My little lady is too young to possibly be starting school, not to mention we are so comfortable in our routine, this is really going to throw us all for a loop (hopefully just temporarily!)! I'm nervous to go through this alone, but I know I'll work it out, as I always do!!!

Another thing I've had to consider is the visitation that I'll have to set up with Aaron. As things are now, the kids are able to go to their dad's house a few times a year. With Lilly starting school, that's going to be a little more difficult! They will visit for ten days in July and then probably won't be able to go back until Christmas break, if even then. It stinks, for everyone. I'm doing my best to "share" the kids as much as possible, but it's so hard with the distance, as it is. I just know this new school schedule is going to complicate things even more. I'm hopeful that things will fall into place nicely, without much conflict from Aaron. We'll see!

I know tons of families deal with distance like this all the time. I'm sure we'll get it all worked out. It's just going to take a lot of compromise between Aaron and I. ...and we all know how well THAT works! Oh well...I guess it's just one of things things we're going to have to conquer for the sake of our babies!